A Murmur of Fire in the Vein
by ElleCC
Summary: One stormy Seattle night, the last person Bella expects to see appears without warning at her door. How will history—hers and his—impact their unexpected and growing friendship? AH, Bella/Jasper. Winner 2010 Bellie Award for "Edward Who?" category.
1. Jasper Shows Up at the Door

**Note: For those who prefer to read elsewhere, FitV can also be found on both ADF and Twilighted.  
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**None of this would be possible without Legna.**

**The title is from Aaron English's "The Lullaby of Loneliness."**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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_**In Which Jasper Shows Up at the Door**_

The first time Jasper Hale showed up on my doorstep, thunder and lightning were warring in the sky and I should have seen it as a sign.

"_This sucks, Bella, we never have thunderstorms in Seattle!"_ Angela lamented, her voice reedy static in my ear.

"I know, I can barely concentrate. I'm giving up." I held my cell phone between my ear and shoulder as I tried to gather my schoolbooks.

"_Do you at least have tomorrow's reading done?"_

"Yeah, I have all of tomorrow's work done. I'm just trying to get ahead so I can relax this weekend."

"_Big plans?"_

"No, nothing. But, no work, no kids, no classes. Just Bella-time." I shoved my books into my bag one-handed and sat back on the couch. "What about you?"

"_I think Ben and I are going to check out the Cherry Blossom festival. You know you're welcome to join us if you'd like."_

"Thanks, Ange. I'll let you know." Lightning flashed and thunder cracked simultaneously above my house and Angela's barely repressed shriek a moment later mimicked my own. We giggled together. We were ridiculous.

"_Think we'll lose power?"_

"I hope not," I said, but I got up from the couch to go search for a flashlight, just in case.

Just as I was passing through the front hall, the doorbell rang and I nearly screamed. I was definitely going to need a beer before trying to go sleep if I wanted any rest tonight.

"_What was that?"_

"My doorbell. Hang on a sec."

"_At this time of night?" _

I glanced quickly at the clock on my cable box before heading for the door. 9:21. Well past the appropriate time for a neighborly visit.

Without looking through the peephole, I pulled open my front door. The sight of the rainy night visitor standing on my porch left me slack-jawed in surprise.

Jasper Hale.

My ex-boyfriend's best friend. My ex-best friend's boyfriend. However I labeled him, he was one of the last five people on earth I'd expect to show up at my door.

"Bella. I'm seeking refuge," he said, raising his voice to combat a thunderclap and the thin glass between us.

I flinched at the crash although a bright flash of lightning had warned me it was coming.

"_Bella? Who is it?"_

"I think I have to go, Angela."

"_Why? Who is it?"_ she asked again.

Another crash of thunder drowned out the click of the lock. I swung the door open and stepped aside to let him pass.

He trailed water along the floor and stopped on the small rug in the hall.

"Um, do you remember Edward's friend Jasper?"

"_The blond one. Is Edward with him?"_

I looked toward the street before shutting the door but didn't see anyone behind Jasper. "No, he's alone."

"_Okay."_

There was concern in her voice and I immediately understood it.

"Ange, it's fine, I promise. I won't forsake you again, don't worry."

She laughed and we agreed to meet for coffee in the morning before class.

I snapped my phone closed and regarded my visitor.

Jasper was drenched. He was wearing a University of Washington track jacket, meshy running shorts, and what used to be high-quality sneakers. His blond hair was dark with rain and sticking to his forehead.

"Out for a jog?"

"Uh, yeah. Kind of got caught off guard."

We stood in silence as he peeled off his jacket to reveal an equally wet long-sleeved compression running shirt.

I stepped around him to pull a clean towel out of the laundry basket I'd put down in the hall earlier. I held out my hands. "Trade ya," I said, pointing at the jacket.

"Thanks," Jasper said, accepting the towel and handing me the wet mess. He wiped his face and started to dry his hair.

"Actually, just a sec." I dropped the jacket on the rug by his feet and headed upstairs to my bedroom. Over the years, I had commandeered enough of my dad's and ex-boyfriends' clothing that I would have something to outfit Jasper temporarily.

The dresser drawer set aside for clothes that weren't originally mine was filled with an assortment of things. I riffled through it and pulled out an old Forks Police Department hoodie, a pair of navy Quileute Wolves sweatpants that were embarrassingly frayed but still functional, and a short-sleeved Aerosmith t-shirt that I had a habit of using as a nightshirt. They were all far too big for my small frame but I loved them anyway.

I jogged back down the stairs and handed the clothes to Jasper. "Here, change before you catch pneumonia and I have to call Carlisle. I'll put your things in the dryer." I realized with mild dismay how quickly Carlisle's name had come to mind. One minute around Jasper, a de facto Cullen, and I was already thinking of things and people I thought I had left behind.

Jasper nodded, his jaw tightening.

I paused in the hall. "You okay?"

"Yeah, fine," he said. He plucked at his shirt. "Just uncomfortable."

I pointed to the bathroom door. "I'll get some tea started?"

"Sounds good."

In the kitchen, I put two mugs of water and tea bags in the microwave and started to search my drawers for the flashlight I hoped I wouldn't need. As I sifted through a drawer, another massive thunderclap sounded overhead and my kitchen lights flickered once and died.

Immediately, silence consumed me. The kind of silence that only results from the loss of the everyday background noise that you take for granted: the refrigerator's hum, the light bulbs' buzz. The streetlights that ordinarily illuminated my kitchen when I snuck down here at night for a snack were out and the pitch-blackness was crushing.

"Bella?"

I jumped at the creak of the bathroom door and the unfamiliar voice, and cracked my wrist against the top of the drawer in which I still had my hand.

"Fuck!" I pulled my arm into my body and leaned against the counter, trying to get my bearings.

"Bella?" Jasper's voice was closer now. "You okay? Where are you?"

"Here, Jasper. Hang on, I'm looking for a flashlight."

I closed the drawer on which I'd whacked myself and opened the one below it. I carefully reached inside, trying to remember if there were any kitchen tools inside that would be dangerous to unprotected fingers. I almost immediately felt the cold barrel of my Maglite and breathed a sigh of relief.

I flipped it on and ran it over the ground to where Jasper's voice had last sounded.

He had one hand on the wall and had managed to finish changing. He held his wet clothes in his other hand. It was strange to see someone else wearing my favorite clothes and I was amused to note the sweatpants weren't the best fit for him.

"Sorry about the pants," I chuckled. "Funny that you really were out in a flood." I hadn't realized Jasper was so much taller than my ex-boyfriend Jake had been, and sophomore year of high school, Jake had been the tallest guy in his class.

He looked down at his legs and shrugged. "Hey, they get the job done. I'm happy I could put your kleptomanic tendencies to good use. You wear this stuff?"

"Yeah. I sorta have to roll the pants up. A lot. But I like to be comfortable. Alice always gave me a hard time about it." Alice... the past was flashing through my mind more quickly now.

Jasper nodded and even in the flashlight glow, I noted the lack of usual easy smile at his girlfriend's name.

"Well, so much for drying your clothes and making tea. You want a beer or something instead?" I hovered my hand over the fridge door handle, waiting for his decision. I kept the flashlight beam trained close enough to him that I could see his face.

He hesitated and I immediately realized that I had casually presumed he would stay for a bit.

"Unless you want me to bring you back to wherever you need to be?"

He shook his head. "No, it sounds like it's still pretty bad out there. No one should be driving in it. A beer would be great."

I pulled out two bottles of Sam Adams and grabbed an opener off the fridge door. The kitchen table was inviting, but I decided the blankets in the living room might come in handy if the house got too cold. Jasper followed me back down the hall. I paused so he could put his clothes in the bathroom sink, and then I handed him the beers so I could rummage around in the hall closet for a minute.

"Candles," I said, holding up a box.

"Ah, I see being the Police Chief's daughter has taught you some things about being prepared."

I snorted. "Well, that's what Charlie likes to believe."

I led us into the living room and sat down on the couch. Jasper helped me put some votives in little glass holders and I lit them while he opened our beers.

We settled on opposite ends of the couch and looked at each other. It was weird to have him here, to say the least. I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I would have expected, but the pseudo-romantic setting, plus the memories of the last time we saw one another, hung awkwardly between us.

"How the hell have you been?" I broke the silence. "Been a long time."

"Yeah. Okay. You?"

"Oh. Good, fine."

Waiting out the storm was going to be excruciating if we couldn't speak more than three words at a time.

"So..." I took a long drink of beer. "How are the Mariners going to be this season? They playing tonight?" I picked up the remote and mimed flipping on the TV. I stared intently at the screen.

I looked at Jasper and could see the hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. I giggled. His smirk turned into a full-blown smile and I completely lost it. The whole situation was utterly ridiculous and we both knew it. Our laughter cleared the tension.

I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye as Jasper's laughter faded into chuckles.

"How's the family?" I asked, both interested in and nervous about the answer. Might as well get the hard stuff out of the way.

"They're good. Status quo," Jasper answered, and again I noticed that hesitance I'd caught a couple of times now. Jasper and I had spent our share of time together, when I'd been dating Edward, but Alice and Edward had almost always been with us. I couldn't claim to be an expert on the ins and outs of Jasper, but he had a very expressive face and I wasn't blind.

"How's Alice?" I asked, trying to poke a hole in whatever was going on. I'd peeked at his hand earlier and there was no wedding band. Alice had all but had their wedding planned the last time I saw her, even though they weren't yet engaged then. She must be vibrating with anticipation by this point.

"We broke up, actually." He took a drink of his beer and almost succeeded at sounding casual.

"Oh." That was surprising. I'd never seen them anything but happy. They were polar opposites when it came to temperament – he was as laidback as she was manic – but it had always seemed to work for them. They balanced each other. "What happened?"

It was a blunt question and none of my business, but he'd witnessed the demise of my last relationship firsthand. I only felt a little guilty for asking. He could refuse to answer if he wanted.

He shrugged and swallowed another sip of beer. "She was just... too much."

I snorted and smirked in the dim candle glow. "Yeah, that's simplifying it a bit."

He looked like he wanted to grin but his face didn't quite agree with him. Then he added, and I wasn't quite sure he had meant for me to hear it, "And I wasn't enough."

My grin faded. He sounded empty.

"I'm sorry, that must be tough. You were together for so long." I wanted to add that he could talk about it with me if he wanted to – I didn't know how many friends he had outside of the Cullen family – but it seemed presumptuous that he would be comfortable enough with me to do that. We'd really only been friends of circumstance.

"It's been... pretty strange. But it's okay. It ran its course."

That sounded so similar to my own sentiments about my relationship with Edward that I again almost offered my ear, but he had a look on his face that suggested this wasn't he favorite thing to talk about.

I shifted topics. "How's your job?"

We talked about his work; he had taken the CPA exam last summer and was working at his dad's investment firm. He didn't love it but said it would do for now while he tried to figure out what he wanted to be when he grew up.

I talked about the classes I was taking for my Master of Teaching degree. He was interested in the student teaching Angela and I were doing twice a week at an elementary school, and asked how we could possibly be patient with so many little kids. I laughed and admitted it wasn't easy at all, but teaching them about creative writing – particularly when they were so young – was rewarding and made up for the annoyances. I grabbed my bag and read to him some of the crazy and amazing things the kids had written. Jasper admitted that when he was seven he'd written a story about a restaurant that catered to dogs and cats and kept the people chained up outside.

We finished our beers and I went back to the kitchen to get two more.

I told him I was taking a kickboxing class that helped me vent some of the frustration that built while I was teaching. He chuckled and I reached out and swatted his arm when he wondered if I kickboxed wearing a padded suit to avoid hurting myself. He apparently hadn't forgotten my legendary klutziness. He told me he'd been spending a lot of time at the gym and running.

"That's what you were doing when the rain started?"

"Yeah, I was at Husky but decided to hit the streets for a change of scenery. I had no idea there was going to be a storm. I'm glad I recognized your neighborhood – I wasn't sure I was going to get the right house but your truck was easy to spot."

I loved my truck but it was as old as I was and a bit of a sore thumb. I narrowed my eyes at him but he didn't look inclined to start teasing me.

"Isn't it kind of late to be out?"

His voice was a little tense when he responded. "Just needed to get out for a bit."

We had jogged together a few times when I'd been dating Edward and I knew he used it as much for stress relief as I did. It sounded like the Alice thing, or maybe something else, was bugging him.

I finished the rest of my beer and put the bottle down on the table. I looked around for my cell phone to check the time and remembered I had left it in the hall after I had spoken with Angela. Just as I was coming back into the living room from retrieving it, my lights flickered twice and then came on.

"Looks like we're good," Jasper said, standing and stretching. "And it sounds like the rain's let up."

I realized that I hadn't noticed when the thunder and lightning stopped.

Jasper collected our bottles and headed for the kitchen.

"Can I take you to your car?"

"It's late, I can walk back. I don't want to be responsible for a late-night truckjacking."

I finally looked at my cell. 10:45. That had been a quick ninety minutes.

"Please, Jasper. I'll kickbox anyone's ass who tries to drag me from the truck." I faked a Falling Star at him and giggled when he ducked out of my way.

I put his still-wet clothes in an old grocery bag and handed it to him in the front hall. He looked down at his outfit and back up at me.

"I can get it from you later," I said, not sure when later would be, but I wasn't going to make him redress in his wet clothes.

"You sure? I don't want to keep you from the clubs this weekend."

I laughed when I realized what he was suggesting and half-considered not holding back on the Falling Star.

"Yes. I'm sorry I don't have any other footwear, though. That's one thing I can't justify stealing."

He was pulling his wet sneakers onto his bare feet and I was uncomfortable just watching him.

"No big. I'll be home soon."

"Your feet will peel."

"They will?" He looked at his feet with some concern and I laughed.

"I'm sure your sister has some cream you can snag."

I was happy to find it was barely drizzling when we headed out to my truck. I'd been living in Washington when I learned to drive with the Chief, but I still wasn't a fan of driving on rainy nights. A little inconvenient for Seattle.

We drove to the campus listening to Led Zeppelin and the Eagles on KZOK, the local classic rock station. As we neared Husky Stadium, Jasper turned to me.

"It's been good to see you, Bella."

"Yeah, you, too, Jasper." I was a little surprised to find that I had really enjoyed talking with Jasper. Angela was the best friend I had and I rarely spent time with anyone other than her and her boyfriend, Ben. I had gone out with a few guys in the past several months but none of those "relationships" had gone past two dates. It was nice to hang out with someone different and the past couple of hours with Jasper had been unexpectedly relaxing. I smiled at him in the dark of the cab.

I swung into the massive parking lot next to the stadium and pulled up next to Jasper's Audi. It was the only car in the parking lot.

"Glad you didn't have your bike," I said.

"Yeah, that wouldn't have been a pleasant ride."

He paused, running a hand through his hair. Dried, it curled along the sides of his face and the nape of his neck. "So, your stolen clothes."

"Whenever. I'll call Charlie and see if he can ship me something else for this weekend's festivities."

Jasper smiled and picked up my cell phone from the center console. "I'll give you my number and maybe we can meet up sometime?"

I nodded and watched as he programmed his number into my phone and then called his phone, which was in his car, for my number. He put my phone down and picked up the bag of clothes.

"Thanks for the refuge, the ride, Bella."

"You bet, Jasper. Say hi..." I trailed off and shrugged.

His eyes searched mine for a moment, possibly assessing whether or not I meant that. I didn't know how he'd decide because I wasn't even sure myself. "Yeah, I will," he said, although I doubted he would. He dug out his keys and climbed out of the truck. "See ya."

"Bye, Jasper." I waited as he unlocked his car and got in. I gave a little wave when he looked over at me and then I pulled away.

I sang along to Aerosmith's "Blind Man" on my way home. I was halfway there when it occurred to me that it might not have been the best idea to send Jasper home wearing a Forks PD sweatshirt.

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**So much of the credit for this goes to Legna989. If you're not sick of me praising her by the time I'm done with the story, I haven't done my job as an author. She's my beta, delta, zeta, mu(se), rho, and psi. And lots of the letters in between. It was something she said that started the plot bunnies ahoppin'. She's read page after page of rambling character development and has patiently endured endless rounds of chapter revisions and insecure-author emails. She's been invaluable for unsticking the unavoidable writer's block. Bella, Jasper, and I owe her huge for this... **

**Thanks also to AccioChocolate/AccioBourbon, americnxidiot, and Touchstone. Accio gives me wonderful feedback and support; americnxidiot, despite her prejudices against my "unholy union" pairing, hasn't yet died from what she's read of it; Touchstone is responsible for my awesome banner (you can see the whole thing on Twilighted), and talks with me non-stop about Jasper&Bella. And all of them told me today to take some deep breaths. I swear, I'm breathing.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Jasper Did Laundry

**Legna is the other pea in my pod. We're cozy in here.**

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**I would be a liar liar pants on fire if I didn't tell you how giddy I am at the response to the first chapter. Thanks to all of you - particularly the strident E/B gals - for giving FitV a chance.**

**The chapter title is Legna's, the characters are SM's, the motorcycle is a Ducati, the bad jokes are mine.**

The link to my shiny Twilighted thread is in my profile.

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_**In Which Jasper Did Laundry**_

When my cell rang Thursday night of the following week, I was baffled. The display read "JWH." I had no idea who that was.

"Hello?"

"_Bella. Jasper."_

"Ah, Jasper. What's the 'W' for?"

"_What?" _He sounded as confused as I had been a minute ago.

"The 'W.' You're in my contacts as 'JWH.'"

"_Oh, right. Whitlock."_

"Whitlock?"

"_Yeah, it's my mom's maiden name."_

"Ah. I like it. It's strong. What's up?"

"_I have a freshly washed and pressed set of clubbing clothes, ready to be returned to their unrightful owner. I thought you might need them for this weekend."_

"Very funny," I said, laughing. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"_Would you be interested in meeting at Big Time for a beer tomorrow night?"_

Big Time was a popular brewery right by the campus and not much more than a mile from my house. I hesitated a moment before answering. I had to trust that he would tell me if he planned to bring anyone with him. "Sure, that would be great."

"_You should ask your friend Angela, if you want. I expect you teachers-to-be could use some good unwinding time."_

"Thanks, I'll check with her."

"_7:00?"_

"See you then."

I decided to wait until class in the morning to ask Angela to join us. I was mildly concerned about her reaction and it would be easier to reassure her there was nothing to be worried about if I talked to her in person.

. . . . . . . .

Angela was looking at me skeptically, as I'd known she would. "So, you don't know why they broke up?"

"No, he clearly didn't want to talk about it."

"How long did they date for?"

I thought for a minute. "I think since high school, maybe six years?"

"_When_ did they break up?"

"It still seemed to bother him, so I'd say fairly recently. Sometime in the past ten months, at least."

"And, who broke up with whom?"

"Ange, I have no idea. I didn't ask for a transcript of the actual break up, either, in case that's your next question. Would you like me to call him for it?" I picked up my cell from the table and arched an eyebrow at her as I started to scroll through my contacts.

Her nails clicked against the laminate tabletop while she studied my face.

"What?" I asked, exasperated that a simple meet-up for beers warranted the Warren Commission.

"Nothing, Bella," she said, sighing. "It just seems... suspicious."

"It does? Where do you get that?"

She shrugged. "He's a guy on an NBA-sized rebound. You're a beautiful, perky cheerleader in a short skirt...."

I groaned. "No more Sonics games for you."

"He's cute, right?"

"Yes, he's very cute, but-"

"Ah." She nodded as if the key witness had just admitted to having a camera crew at the grassy knoll.

"'Ah' what?"

"He's _very _cute?"

"Angela!" I dug in my bag for a five and threw it on the diner table in irritation. "We have to go or we're going to be late."

Our walk to class was mostly silent and we enjoyed the rare, clear spring day. Angela managed to stop the deposition long enough to say that she and Ben already had plans for tonight and she wouldn't be able to join us.

"But, Bella...."

I stopped in front of our classroom and looked at her expectantly.

She was fiddling with the collar of her polo shirt. "Just... just remember what it was like with Edward, okay? I met Jasper those couple of times. He seemed just as charming as Edward."

I could get some of Angela's concern. I had moped around for a month after my breakup with Edward. I had spent a lot of time thinking about how our relationship had consumed me and how so many aspects of my life had suffered for it. When I'd come out of my self-reflective haze, I had immediately called Angela. I'd apologized for being the world's biggest bitch and promised never to do it again. She had taken me back with open arms and quiet admonishments. I could understand her hesitance... she knew how I was when it came to the Cullens, and Jasper might as well be one.

She was an amazing friend. She was only looking out for my well-being. I knew that. But it didn't stop a hard edge from creeping into my voice, and it didn't stop the cold feeling of defensiveness as it coiled in my stomach.

"One time occurrence, Angela. This is beers. That's all."

"Okay, fine." She held up her hands. "And...." Now she really looked nervous.

I huffed. "What?"

"If you keep seeing him you're bound to run into Edward." She bit her lip and stared at me, undoubtedly expecting an outburst.

"Angela," I said slowly, wondering if maybe we were watching different movies. "It's been almost a year since we broke up. I don't care if I see him. What do you think is going to happen? He probably doesn't even remember my name."

"Bella-"

"Just. Beers!"

I turned and led the way into class.

. . . . . . . .

I got to Big Time just after 7:00. The day had unexpectedly remained nice and I decided to walk to the bar. I'd get a cab home, or walk if it was still nice.

In the parking lot on my way in, I saw a motorcycle that I thought was Jasper's. Once I was inside, I immediately found him leaning against the end of the bar closest to the door. He was wearing a black leather jacket over a gray shirt, with dark blue jeans and black boots, and he was attracting a lot of attention. He didn't seem to notice. Fucking Cullens. And Hales. All three of them – Emmett, Jasper, and Edward – could be GQ models, even on their worst days. They always appeared oblivious. Rose and Alice were the same way, although they tended to encourage and embrace the attention.

As I approached Jasper, he turned to me, smiling. I caught disappointed looks on the faces of at least three girls who were standing near him.

"Bella," he said, and handed me a pint glass. "I took the liberty of getting you started." I took the beer and we made our way to a small two-person table against the wall. "Your clothes are in the bike. Don't forget them before we go."

"So, about that," I started, after I'd taken a look around the bar and gotten settled in. "I realized after I dropped you off that I probably shouldn't have sent you home in that sweatshirt. I wasn't thinking."

When Jasper called last night, I took it as a sign that things had not gone to hell when he got home. But it had been plaguing me all week that he might have had to listen to his sister's – or someone else's – shit for no reason.

He chuckled but looked uncomfortable. "I'm embarrassed, but I actually thought of that before I got home, and turned it inside out in the car."

I smiled at him but couldn't ignore the tiny prickles of irritation that ran through me. I didn't want anyone annoyed with him, but really, I just didn't want it to be an issue at all. I had never understood Rose's dislike of me, although if she shared any of the sentiments that Alice had finally expressed to me, that would explain it.

"Rose and Emmett weren't even home, but...."

"Yeah," I agreed. Better that way.

We talked about how our weeks had gone. Classes would be over in another month and I was diligently looking for a summer job. I would have preferred to spend the summer working on a couple of short story ideas I had, but until I graduated, it would be tough to find time to really get into my writing. Jasper recommended a couple of bookstores that hadn't been on my radar.

Jasper went to get another round of beers and when he came back, we sat and silently observed our fellow pub patrons for a bit.

"Hey." Jasper sounded hesitant. "How's your wrist?" Jasper gestured at my left arm. I looked down and hadn't realized I had been rubbing it. The bruise from last week's incident with the kitchen drawer had almost faded completely.

"Oh. It's good." I turned my arm to show him the light purplish splotch.

"No, I mean from last year." He looked apologetic.

Oh. Although I had been spending a lot of time in the past week thinking about what had happened last year, I hadn't automatically made that leap.

I rotated my wrist around. "Good as new. I had a cast for a couple of months, but it wasn't too bad." I rubbed a couple of the pale thin scars on my forearm. I didn't notice them very often.

"Good." He took a drink of beer and looked around the bar before looking back at me. "We shouldn't have let you leave like that."

"Eh. I got to the hospital pretty much in one piece."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know? What does that mean? I never talked to Edward after that. We just texted a couple of times."

Jasper cleared his throat. "Emmett followed you."

"What? To the hospital?"

"When Edward came back in the house without you and Emmett realized he'd let you leave on your own, he was pissed. _Really_ pissed."

"Yikes." Emmett was 6'5 and clocked in around two-sixty. None of it was fat. A pissed Emmett was a scary Emmett.

"Yeah. Edward said he'd go after you but I think Emmett realized that might not be the best idea and went himself."

"Wow. I didn't notice him." I thought back to that afternoon, trying to remember if I could have seen the Jeep and just not realized it was Emmett.

Jasper's eyes were tight with a sadness I hadn't expected. "You looked pretty upset when you were leaving."

Upset was an understatement. Add together breaking up with a mostly great guy and exchanging some rather heated words with your now former best friend, throw in some blood and broken bones, and you get....

"Oh god," I groaned, suddenly remembering exactly how that drive had gone.

"What?"

I was embarrassed. I've never been one for wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I was uncomfortable with being too emotional with anyone, even Renée. "Uh. On the way, I sort of had to stop because I was crying too hard to drive. I'm surprised Emmett didn't freak out."

"Oh, is that what happened? Emmett was a few minutes behind you and said you were pulled over when he caught up to you. He was half out of his car when you pulled away. He thought you had seen him and didn't want to talk to him."

How had I not noticed that? Neither Emmett nor his Jeep was subtle. I hadn't sat by the side of the road for very long. I had finally started to notice how badly my wrist was throbbing and decided I needed to get to the hospital before I really couldn't drive any farther.

"I would have talked to him. But I was such a mess. That whole thing was such a mess."

Jasper was frowning. "It was. But no one would have blamed you for being a mess or sad. Things got... ugly. It would have been surprising if you hadn't been."

"No one blamed me for being sad," I scoffed. "I'm sure that's the only thing they don't blame me for."

In that contemplative month following our break-up, I not only reflected on the Edward-shaped bubble in which I'd lived for fifteen months, but I also spent a lot of time thinking about the Cullens. I vacillated between imagining all of the ways in which they must now hate me, and taking Alice at her word. At the time, I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd said to me: "It'll be like you never existed." And I didn't know what was worse – that they would now hate me or that they would simply forget I had ever been in their lives.

I was staring at one of the televisions mounted on the wall – there really was a Mariners game on tonight – when I felt Jasper's hand on mine. He was giving me a comforting smile. It was a nice gesture and I briefly squeezed his fingers before moving my hand to pick up my beer.

We were silent for a few minutes.

"That was really nice of Emmett," I said. I was touched he had made such an effort. It was somehow more meaningful because I had never known about it. "He didn't have to do that."

"I think he was pretty upset about what had happened, not just that Edward had let you leave." Jasper was studiously wiping condensation off his beer glass as he spoke.

"Really?"

Jasper looked up at me. "Yeah, we all were, really."

That surprised me. After replaying the whole nightmare in my head a million times, I had finally decided that no one would have cared. I had been a flash in the Cullen family frying pan, really. I'd only been with Edward for a bit more than a year. Not long enough to really make an impact on any of them. Except for maybe Alice, and she had unequivocally let me know how she felt about me. _You won't be missed...._

"Why?"

"Why?" He looked surprised. "Bella, you were there."

"Yeah, but it makes sense why I would be upset about it. Why would any of the rest of you care?" I had an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach talking about this. I hadn't spoken with anyone but Angela about it since it had happened. Not even Renée. By the time I had felt okay talking about it, I just hadn't wanted to anymore.

His brow was furrowed slightly. He opened his mouth as if he were about to speak and then closed it. He thought for another moment and tried again. "You and Edward were always so wrapped up in each other. You had your own little world."

I nodded. It had really been that way – for the longest time, we'd subsisted solely on each other and whatever air we could manage to suck down in between frantic kisses and declarations of undying love.

"And then it seemed to come crashing down all of a sudden. There was no warning." He shrugged. "It was all good one minute and then the next, wham. Shouting in the hall and broken glass...." He trailed off, staring at nothing. "It was like Cinderella and Prince Charming suddenly didn't believe in true love."

"It wasn't sudden to us," I said softly.

Jasper's attention snapped back to me. "That's not what Edward said."

I rubbed my face, rapidly tiring of the subject. "I know. I'm sure he said it was completely sudden and I was being irrational, and Alice jumped to his defense and they ganged up on me and I wasn't there to tell my side of the story. And now you all blame me." I spread my hands apart as if I had just proven my case. _Voilà._ Counselor Weber would be impressed.

"Alice," Jasper said, and I was surprised to hear just a hint of... anger? "She had no right to get involved like that."

"She was just defending her brother. Family is serious business to the Cullens. I should have expected it."

Jasper looked shocked. "You've forgiven her? After the things she said?"

"I've forgiven... not forgotten, but forgiven." I wasn't going to go out of my way to seek Alice out, but if we ran into each other, I knew I could be civil.

"But she was such a _bitch_ to you." I couldn't miss the bitterness in his voice this time. It was my turn to be surprised. I had never heard Jasper so much as raise his voice to Alice. It was unsettling to hear him say that about her. About anyone, really. He was one of the calmest, nicest guys I knew.

"Jasper, what really happened when you broke up?" I was curious again and this morning's conversation with Angela was ringing in my head.

He tipped his glass back for a long drink and set it down, empty. "Another one?" He pointed to my half-finished pint.

I nodded slowly and he got up from the table. I guess he really didn't want to talk about Alice. I watched him walk to the bar and chuckled when I saw the three girls from earlier shooting me nasty glances. In a very un-Bella like move, I raised my glass to them and winked. I sniggered to myself when they all grimaced and huddled back together, undoubtedly trying to figure out how the plain brunette had managed to land the hot guy.

Jasper returned a minute later with two more beers. "I put in an order for nachos. Sorry I didn't ask. That okay?"

"Sure. Although, 'nachos' is probably a pretty loose term here, huh?" Big Time was not that well known for its food.

"Yeah. It's impossible to find good Tex-Mex around here."

I grinned at that because it was so true. I had been spoiled living in Arizona with Renée. Access to quality Mexican food had been easy and I missed it. No one in the wet Northwest knew quite what they were doing when it came to taco shells and well-seasoned beef. Trying to find good Tex-Mex around here was like trying to get a good burger in India. Chipotle didn't count.

"I make mean fajitas," I said, voice lowered conspiratorially. "They're Charlie's favorite."

"We spent summers in Texas as kids, with my dad's folks." He closed his eyes and his smile was wistful. "What I wouldn't give for good fajitas."

"Well, you don't have to give much. Bring a six of Tecate and you'll get them for free."

Jasper's eyes widened and he broke into a broad smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I said, smiling.

He leaned across the table toward me and I couldn't help but mimic his movement.

"Can I wear my ten-gallon hat, ma'am?" His voice was a perfect Texas drawl and I burst into loud, unladylike laughter.

He grinned and leaned back in his seat.

"Jasper," I managed between fits of body-shaking laughs, "if you promise to talk like that all night, you can wear whatever the damn hell you please."

With his easy grin and my laughter, all of the unpleasantness of our conversation evaporated.

We spent the rest of the evening chatting. As expected, our nachos were subpar but we ate them anyway. We went through a couple more rounds of beers, and quietly taunted two extremely drunk guys who were trying to play shuffleboard. The Mariners won and a fight almost broke out at the bar.

Our conversation did not turn back to the Cullens.

Around midnight, I started to yawn.

"All right, time to get you home," Jasper said.

In the parking lot, we stopped at his bike to get my clothes. "Thanks again for letting me hang out last week." He handed me a plastic bag. "I almost had to keep the Aerosmith t-shirt. Did you see that tour?"

"Not that lucky. Dated a guy in college who was a die-hard. Pretty sure the shirt was a $75 purchase on eBay."

He laughed. "How'd you manage to get away with it?"

"Fled the state, actually."

"That'll work." Jasper looked around the parking lot. "Where's your truck?"

"I walked." I had forgotten to mention it to him.

"Are you planning to walk home?"

"Yeah, well-"

He cut me off. "Sorry, babe. No fucking way." He held out his helmet.

"You have a second one?" I looked past him, at the bike, but didn't see one.

"No."

I pushed the helmet back at him. "Sorry, cop's daughter. No helmet, no ride."

"How far's your place?"

"Like a mile."

"I'll go slow."

"No."

"Fine, I'll walk with you."

"Jasper, don't be ridiculous. I'm fine. I'm barely buzzed."

"Bella. I don't care if you've been drinking Tang all night and can kick Jean-Claude Van Damme's ass. You're not walking home in the dark." He looked at me pointedly. "Cop's daughter."

Fuck, he had me there. "Fine, a cab."

He nodded and handed the helmet back to me. "Don't move." He turned and walked back to the bar.

He was back a couple of minutes later. "The cab should be here in ten minutes or so. I'll wait with you."

"Thank you, Jasper."

"Next time, I'll bring a second helmet and pick you up."

"Next time?" I blinked up at him.

"Well," he said, shrugging, "yeah. If you want."

Huh. Did I want? A friendship with Jasper would be nothing if not baggage-laden. But for the second time in a week, I'd had a relaxing, easy time with him. What the hell.

"Yeah, that would be cool. And I wasn't kidding about the fajitas."

He nodded. "Maybe next week or something."

"Sure, that would be great."

When my cab showed up, Jasper opened the door for me. "Thanks, Bella."

I wasn't sure if it was thanks for the clothes, hanging out with him, or not walking home by myself. It didn't matter, he was welcome for them all.

"You bet. Ride safe."

He closed the door and hit the top of the cab twice, like guys always do in the movies.

The trip home was quick but I almost fell asleep on the worn seat. It was probably a good thing I hadn't walked home. I would have to call Angela tomorrow and let her know I hadn't run off and eloped with either Jasper or Edward. She would be pleased.

I would also have to dig out my best fajita recipe. Just in case.


	3. A Cowboy Is Nervous

**Legna does nice things to my story.**

**The outfit is mine but the characters aren't. Occasionally, I'll sneak in some of SM's words when appropriate; I did so in this one (and the last one - a few gals caught it).**

**Beginning with Chapter Four this Sunday, I will start a regular Sunday & Wednesday posting schedule. I wanted to get us a little bit off the ground first.**

* * *

_**In Which a Cowboy Is Nervous but Saddles Up Anyway**_

The second time Jasper Hale showed up on my doorstep, he was carrying the promised Tecate and wearing a ten-gallon hat.

I stopped gaping long enough to unlock the door.

When Jasper tipped the hat at me and gave me a drawn out "ma'am" as he walked into the house, I had to cover my mouth to hold back the giggles that were seriously threatening to send my lungs into acute oxygen deprivation.

When I got a grip on myself, I stopped to survey the situation.

The hat was black and just like the one Chris LeDoux might have worn. To accompany it, he was wearing some sort of black cowboy shirt that had loopy white embroidery on the chest. The buckle on the belt adorning his blue jeans was enormous and I was pretty sure it said "RODEO" in gold letters. Broken-in black cowboy boots showed below the cuff of his jeans.

He'd topped it all off with a toothpick, which he was chewing lazily.

"Jasper," I gasped. "Did the invite say formal wear and I missed it?" The giggles had become full-on laughter but Jasper was taking my atrocious rudeness well.

"I just felt that if the lady was going to make some authentic cuisine to celebrate the holiday, then I should dress the part."

"Do you dress like this a lot?"

He chuckled. "You'd be surprised how rarely the opportunity presents itself."

I took another look before I reached to take the beer. I had to admit – if I was being completely honest – that the getup was actually surprisingly sexy. On Jasper, at least.

My giggles tapered off as I took the beer out to the kitchen. Jasper followed.

He had called me last week, a week after we'd met at Big Time, to see how serious I'd been about the fajitas. I reminded him about both the Tecate and my address and we'd found that, appropriately, Cinco de Mayo worked for both of us.

As I had started to prepare the fajitas fixins when I got home from work, I had thought about the couple of times we'd hung out. I was reluctant to talk with anyone about Edward and what had happened with us, but I had to admit that it had felt good to get some of it out. It was easy to talk to Jasper. Depending on how this evening went, I thought I might ask him again about Alice, and see if I could repay him the favor of an attentive ear.

"I already started," I said, as I led us into the kitchen. I had two pans going on the stove. One filled with peppers and onions, and the other with strips of skirt steak. "I went with steak over chicken. I hope that's okay?"

He gestured at his outfit. "Need you ask?"

Once it was all done cooking and I'd heated the tortillas, Jasper and I transferred everything to the small table in the kitchen. I flipped on the radio before I sat down. Classic rock and fajitas always went well together.

Jasper cracked open two Tecates and handed one to me. We clinked cans over the steaming food and got down to serious Tex-Mex business.

"Holy hell, Bella."

I "mmhmmed?" around a mouthful of spicy goodness.

"I will bring Tecate by the case if you will make these again," Jasper said, as he started to assemble his second fajita.

I reached for the cheese. "Okay. Although, I could mix it up and throw in some burritos and chili. I've got this mol-"

"Stop!"

Jasper had frozen in the process of spooning peppers and onions onto his plate. He was staring at me intently. "Please, no more food talk. My weak heart can't take it. Just tell me when."

"You got it, cowboy."

Jasper managed four fajitas before he decided he was done. I was thrilled to have someone here to enjoy my cooking; cooking for one wasn't always a lot of fun. With classes and teaching, I often just half-assed my own meals. Making fajitas made me miss both Charlie and Renée, and it was nice to have someone in my kitchen tonight.

We made quick work of the mess I'd made, and then Jasper took two beers out to the living room while I started the dishwasher.

Music started playing as I walked down the hall. In the living room, Jasper was fiddling with my iPod speakers; it looked like he had docked his own iPod.

"You mind?" he asked, turning to me.

"No reggae and we'll get along fine." I didn't mention that I wasn't a huge fan of country music either, lest I offend the 6'3 cowboy in my living room.

"What did Bob and Ziggy ever do to you?"

"I have a thing against guys who shoot Sheriffs."

We resumed the same ends of the couch we'd occupied the first time Jasper was here, three weeks ago. He handed me my beer before slouching against the armrest. He had pulled the bottom of his shirt out of his jeans at some point, and had rolled up his sleeves a couple of times when he'd been working on the dishes. He looked comfortable. I propped my feet up on my coffee table and mirrored his pose.

We sat quietly for a bit. It was nice to relax on a Tuesday night. Usually I was a frenzy of homework and lesson plans, but I'd finished those earlier in the day.

"So, it's your turn."

"For what?" Jasper asked.

Asking him about this made me a little nervous. He'd shut down both times previously and I didn't want to ruin our night… but, friendship was about give and take. And I still wasn't convinced he had anyone to talk to other than the Cullens or his sister; he hadn't mentioned any other friends.

"For you to share. To talk about Alice. And what happened with you two."

Jasper tipped his beer back and finished it. He tapped the can against his thigh, maybe restlessly or nervously, as he watched me.

"What do you want to know?"

"It's not that I want to know, really. Just that I want you to know you can talk about it if you want to."

"Okay." His eyes lost focus as he stared somewhere over my shoulder.

"I'm going to go grab a bottle of water. You want one?" I'd give him a minute to think about whatever he was going to say, if anything.

He nodded and handed me his empty can. I quickly grabbed two bottles of water from my fridge. When I returned, Jasper had moved. He was now sitting on the edge of the couch, elbows on thighs, hands clasped between his legs. It was a more serious, "I mean business" pose, and my stomach fluttered nervously.

Brushing his hair off his forehead, he accepted the bottle I extended. He waited for me to get comfortable before he said anything.

"We broke up about two months ago."

I tentatively repeated what I had thought to myself earlier. "You always seemed so happy."

Jasper raised his eyebrows. "So did you and Edward."

Heh. Smart bastard.

"So, it's what you said before? It just ran its course?"

"Yeah, and, we… we were suffocating each other. She kept trying to..." he trailed off and was quiet for a minute. When he resumed, there was a different tone to his voice, a harder edge. "Bella, how much do you know about me? About my past?"

"Your past? Not much." I thought for a few seconds. "I know you missed a year of high school, but I guess that's it. Edward and I never..." I hated to admit it, but we'd been so caught up in ourselves, we'd never talked about the others very much. Alice had talked about Jasper all of the time, of course, but I realized I'd never really asked her many questions about anything she hadn't offered.

"Yeah, _missed_. You are... not going to like this. I almost wish Edward had told you."

"Jasper, I don't care, whatever it is."

"Oh, you'll care."

I waited.

"Okay." He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "I had this best friend when we were growing up. He moved when we were in tenth grade. When he left, I kind of fell in with... not the best group of kids."

"You didn't hang out with Rose?" I couldn't imagine bitchy princess Rosalie hanging out with anyone who didn't live up to her very strict standards.

"No, not really. And, after Bobby left, we went in completely different directions. These kids, the ones I hung out with... well. That year of school I missed? I ended up spending two months in a rehab center in California. By the time I got back, my senior year was so jacked up, it only made sense for me to repeat it."

"Rehab?" My face and tone must have given away my surprise and confusion because Jasper's expression was immediately distressed.

"I knew this was a bad idea."

I could feel how anxious he was starting to get.

"No, no. It wasn't a bad idea, Jasper. I'm just surprised. I mean... you drink all of the time and I've never seen any..." I thought guiltily about the beers we'd consumed together in the past few weeks.

"That's because it wasn't rehab for alcohol."

"Oh."

"Are you sure you want to hear more?" He already looked tired and hesitant, and like he really wanted me to say "no."

"I'm sure."

Jasper finished off his bottle of water and I pushed my half-full one toward him.

"So, in addition to getting myself into some rather indiscriminate, uh, sexual habits, my new friends introduced me first to pills. And then heavier things."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Fine. Coke and then later on heroin." He said it in a rush, like maybe if he spit it out fast enough, it wouldn't linger in the atmosphere and hang there between us, heavy and ugly.

"Wow." I was distressed to find that was all my normally extensive vocabulary could manage. I wanted to say something meaningful and comforting, something to reassure him that I didn't care, as long as he was okay now. But I couldn't come up with anything. I'd never had any close friends who had been involved with drugs beyond pot. Charlie would have killed me.

"Yeah," he continued. "I got in pretty deep. I dated this girl for awhile and she's the one who got me started on heroin. But she was a year older and when she graduated, she never looked back. By fall of senior year, I... I was just a mess. I was doing coke in the bathroom between classes and heroin with my _friends_ after school. Sometimes I think I'm just lucky..." His shook his head as his voice faded.

He rubbed his hands across his eyes. "And then the Cullens showed up and everything changed."

"Shocking," I muttered.

"Yeah, they're good at that, huh?" He chuckled quietly. "Rose immediately hit it off with Emmett and she tried to get me to hang out with Edward. Edward and Alice were a year younger but they seemed pretty cool."

"What happened?"

"Carlisle."

"Ah." Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Although he was currently serving as an ER doctor, he was one of the top diagnosticians on the West Coast. He was acutely observant; nothing got past him.

"He took one look at me and knew what was up. He pulled me aside to talk to me before he called my folks. But he did call them. David and Helen were... pretty fucking pissed. To put it mildly. I had worked hard to keep them in the dark and they were shocked. Carlisle found a good rehab house for me.

"That place... saved me. They not only got me off the drugs, but they..." Jasper took another deep breath. "Diagnosed all of my problems as stemming from clinical depression. Which they thought probably started when Bobby left. I got clean and started taking an antidepressant.

"After I got home, Alice and I started dating. We graduated, went to college. David and Helen set us up in our house... things were good. Then, sophomore year, I had a couple of slip-ups. Alice helped me get back on track and I had to change medications.

"Then, last year..." He hung his head for a minute, rubbing his eyes. I reached out and touched his arm, hoping he would find it encouraging.

He looked back up at me. "Last year, things got pretty bad again. I was just... miserable and couldn't pull myself out of it. There was this guy at the gym and he had... coke... And Alice... Alice tried really hard. She tried to understand and she tried to help me feel better. But..." He shrugged. "Somehow it just wasn't enough. We both knew it. I was dragging her down with me and I couldn't do that to her. She doesn't deserve that."

"I'm sure she was happy to do whatever you needed, Jasper," I said into the pause.

"Yeah, that's what she always said. But it just wasn't fair. She was giving and I didn't have anything to give back. And then it started to feel like she wasn't so much trying to help me as she was trying to _change _me into a different person. When I stopped being able to tell the difference... that's when it fell apart. For both of us. We just weren't good for each other anymore."

"I'm sorry," I said. I could empathize with what he was saying and feeling to a degree. But once it moved past the simple reality of two people who didn't really belong together, I couldn't do much more than try to understand what he was feeling.

Aerosmith's "Cryin'" trickled into my consciousness from Jasper's iPod. _I was cryin' when I met you, now I'm tryin' to forget you... _I considered the relevance of Steven Tyler's words.

"But, you're doing all right now?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He started tapping my now-empty water bottle against the table.

"Do you... think about it a lot?" I didn't know if that was a copacetic question. This whole subject was well outside of my comfort zone, but I wanted to know if he was okay.

"I think it about it every day, Bella. I can't get away from it."

Jasper looked pained for a moment and sighed. Then he slowly pushed up his left sleeve to above his elbow. He turned more toward me and held out his arm.

At the crease in his elbow there was a web of dark red - almost purple – lines following his veins. They spanned maybe three inches.

Although I had only ever seen pictures Charlie had forced in front of me, and videos in high school health class, I immediately recognized the lines as track marks from IV drug use.

I reached out to trace the marks – Were they raised? Did they hurt? – but he moved his arm slightly away from me and I stopped my hand.

"What are you doing?" Jasper was frowning and staring at my still-raised hand. I dropped it to my lap.

"I, uh." I didn't have a good answer. I shrugged.

"You're not disgusted?" Jasper's voice was low. He looked at his arm again and pulled down his sleeve.

"No." And I wasn't. The marks were disturbing, definitely. And funny things were happening in my stomach. But... it was just skin. It was just Jasper.

"Carlisle says they'll fade, maybe, although it's been a long time already. Or, there's some laser surgery that might help. But I kind of like the reminder of what a fuck up I was."

We were quiet for a moment.

"Oh, what the fuck," Jasper exhaled into the still room.

He rotated more toward me, so he was practically facing the back of the couch, and lifted the left side of his black cowboy shirt and the t-shirt underneath.

This time when I reached out to touch his skin, he didn't pull back.

I ran my fingers lightly over the black ink tattooed across his chest. Starting a few inches below his sternum, and wrapping around the left side of his ribcage onto his back, were the words "Memento Mori" in thick Old English-style letters.

"_Remember you must die_," I said quietly.

Jasper nodded. "I should have expected the English major would know what it means. I don't know how many people I've had to explain it to – even Alice. No one ever really gets it."

That wasn't surprising. It was kind of a deep concept. We had studied some works from the Memento Mori artistic movement in one of my English classes last year and it could be depressing as hell. But uplifting, too, if you looked at it the right way.

"I got it at the end of rehab, with one of the guys who was in there with me. It reminds me... that I can't just take what I have for granted. That it could end at any time."

"It's beautiful." I meant both the tattoo and the sentiment.

"Nothing about this is beautiful." The hard edge to his voice was back. I didn't know how to respond. I was having a lot of those moments tonight.

He pulled his shirts down. "So, Bella, I should probably go." He wiped his palms against his thighs and stood up.

"Wait, Jasper. You don't have to go yet. I mean, don't go because you think I want you to leave."

He walked to the speakers and undocked his iPod.

I stood by the coffee table, watching him. I really wanted him to stay, if he wanted to, but I could tell that he felt uncomfortable now. I wasn't sure what to say. If he left now, like this, I didn't know if he'd come back.

He walked into the hall without looking back at me.

"Jasper, wait." I followed him into the hall. "I..."

He turned back to face me and at the sight of his expression, I let my sentence trail off. He looked tired and sad, and mostly like he really, really wanted to be alone. Alone and elsewhere.

We stared at each other silently for a moment.

"Can I at least give you the leftovers to take with you?"

Jasper nodded tightly as he reached for his cowboy hat, which he'd left on a chair in the hallway.

I hurried to the kitchen to get the leftovers I'd put in plasticware for him earlier. I shoved the three containers into a plastic bag as I walked back out to the front door.

"Don't let Emmett eat them all," I said as I handed over the bag.

"I won't," Jasper said. The curtness of his words tugged at my stomach. I blinked a couple of times. I didn't cry that easily, but I could feel the telltale prickle in the back of my eyes.

"Thanks for dinner, Bella." He settled the hat back on his head and tipped the edge of it toward me. I thought I caught a glimpse of the glint that was normally in his eye, and the knot in my stomach loosened a bit.

"Thanks for coming over, Jasper. I- It was nice to see you." I gave him as big of a smile as I could manage.

He didn't return it.

"You're welcome. I'll talk to you later." Jasper pulled open the front door and pushed out the storm door. He disappeared into the darkness of my front lawn before I could say anything else.

. . . . . . . .

Two hours later, as I was getting ready for bed, the evening was still replaying itself in my head. It was my fault the night had turned out badly. All of Jasper's earlier deflections and avoidances made sense now. I shouldn't have pushed him to talk about something he clearly hadn't wanted to talk about.

As I was crawling into bed, my cell phone beeped on my bedside table. I flipped it open to find a text message from JWH.

_**sorry i was an ass**_

The relief I felt was immediate and overwhelming.

**You weren't an ass. Burritos next Tuesday at my place?**

I tossed my cell in my hand, anxiously waiting for a response.

_**you sure?**_

I quickly replied.

**Yes.**

I exhaled when his final response came in and turned off the light.

* * *

**I would like to note that I wrote the beginning of this chapter thirty minutes **_**before**_** americnxidiot posted her one-shot "In A Moonage Daydream." She must have briefly flitted into my headspace (still recovering, bb?). It was a good afternoon. If you haven't read that story – and you're a J/B fan – I suggest you make haste over to her profile (or my Favorites).**

**Because her words keeps leaking into my ANs, you should go read In. a. blue. bathrobe's _Tropic of Virgo_, pronto. It's in my Favorites.**


	4. Bella Wikis That Shit

**Legna, Iron & Wine, Panera coffee, and my writing group friend Jessica all helped me with this one. I'd still be fetal under a table without all four. Some chapters refuse to go gentle into that good night.**

**Thanks to AngstGoddess003 and WAward for the chapter title. **

* * *

_**In Which Bella Wikis That Shit**_

"Bella. Earth to Bella!"

I started at Angela's fingers waving in my face.

"What's up, Ange?"

"Where'd you go?"

"What? I'm right here."

"Body, yes. Mind, no. You've been mentally MIA all day. What's going on? I don't think you took a single note during class, and we have finals in a couple of weeks."

She was right. I wasn't even sure that I'd taken my notebook out of my bag.

Since Jasper had left last night, I hadn't been able to think about anything other than the conversation we'd had. To say that I'd been surprised by what he told me would be an understatement. Alice and Edward had never mentioned anything about Jasper's depression or drug problem. I knew substance abuse was more common than most people realized, but I had lived a pretty sheltered life and didn't know anyone personally who'd had problems. At Forks High School, being the police chief's daughter had ensured that no one offered me anything stronger than OJ at parties. Even in Phoenix, I must have emitted an aura of "law enforcement progeny"; I'd seen the occasional joint, but that was it.

The crowds I had run with had always been made up of, well, Angelas. Studious, hard-working, straight-laced kids. They weren't opposed to fun, but they usually had it in moderate doses.

In other words, kids like me.

The thing was, before last night, that was pretty much how I'd always pictured Jasper. Now that I knew I was wrong about that, I was questioning how well I really knew him at all.

Jasper had really only ever been in my periphery, a part of my life because of Alice, who was a part of my life because of Edward. Truthfully, I barely knew him. Many attributes I had associated with him were assumptions, based on what I knew of Edward and Alice, and the limited interactions I'd had with him when I was dating Edward.

I knew that he always stopped halfway through a jog to stretch, that he kicked ass at Scattergories unless the letter was J, that he played the guitar. Before a month ago, that was almost all I had known of Jasper. I was bothered, yet again, by how blind I had been... I wondered what else I had missed in those fifteen months.

But Alice had loved him; I knew she had, regardless of what had happened between them since I'd been gone. Edward and Emmett were not the type of brothers who would have let their sister date someone who they felt might be dangerous. Alice was demanding and usually got her way, but Edward and Emmett were the poster boys for _Overprotective Brothers: The Rock Opera_. If there was even a glimmer of a chance that Jasper ever would have hurt Alice, there was no way the relationship would have continued. The Cullen sons aside, Carlisle wouldn't have allowed it. Did anyone other than Alice know that Jasper had those two relapses?

In the end, was I worrying for nothing? Did it even matter? Did it change who he was? He was still the same guy I'd hung out with the past few weeks. I just knew more about him today than I did yesterday. Now a friendship with him carried more than Edward and Alice-sized baggage.

"So, what's going on?"

I snapped my attention back to Angela. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Jasper."

"Oh. Did you see him again?" She was tapping her fingers against the tabletop again as she watched me.

"He came over for dinner last night."

She raised an eyebrow. "How was that?"

"It was... fine. We had a nice time. I made fajitas."

"Fine? Nice? Then what's with the staring contest with the wall?"

I knew Angela wasn't going to leave this alone until she got something out of me. "I... asked him about Alice."

"He wouldn't tell you again?"

"Oh, he told me," I sighed, slouching in my seat.

"What did he say?" Angela's expression was one of curiosity. I wondered if I should tell her, wondered how upset Jasper would be with me for violating his privacy. I knew I could trust Angela and she would appreciate my honesty. And I really needed my best friend's advice.

"He told me..." The words caught in my throat and I just stared at her.

She waited patiently.

I echoed Jasper's words from last night. "Oh, what the fuck." I took a deep breath and blurted it out as he had. "It turns out he has a long history of clinical depression and illicit drug use."

Her mouth froze open. She blinked a couple of times.

"Wow."

"That's what I said. Exactly." I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I'd barely managed three hours of sleep last night.

Angela was quiet for a minute. I stared at the wall some more.

"Now what?"

"Now what? Christ, Ange, I have no fucking idea."

The corner of Angela's mouth twitched. "Easy there, champ."

"Sorry." I smiled at her and hoped it didn't look as fake as it felt. "I'm just... confused. And this is... complicated enough, you know?"

"Because of Edward and Alice." It was a statement.

"Yeah."

Angela was looking at me thoughtfully. "Why did he tell you? If it's all in the past?"

I had wondered about that. He didn't have to tell me any of it. He could have explained their breakup with any of a million reasons and I never would have had any idea about his problems. It wasn't like Alice was going to call me tomorrow to chat about him.

"Well, it's part of the reason he and Alice broke up... but I think he just wanted me to know."

"Did they break up because he was using?" Angela's voice went up half an octave.

"No, he said he was okay. He said that he had some issues last year..." Ah, what the hell. I straightened up in my seat and proceeded to tell Angela everything that Jasper had told me. I would have to tell him later that I had over-shared with her and I hoped he wouldn't be pissed.

She took it all well. She nodded and "uh-huhed" while I rambled.

When I was done, I picked at my sandwich and waited for her to say something wise.

"What do you want, Bella?"

"What do I want? I- Nothing. I mean, I want to know he's okay. I want to be friends with him. He's nice. And fun." The words were lame and inadequate to describe Jasper but I was too tired and confused to be more eloquent.

"What would you do if you knew he was using again?"

"I, uh. I have no clue."

"I think you should be friends with him if you want that, but I also think you should be..." She paused while she took a sip of water. "I think you should be cautious."

"I feel kind of like I don't know him at all, now."

"Then, keep getting to know him. That's what you've been doing, right? This doesn't change who he was when you hung out a couple of weeks ago, does it?"

I felt a sense of validation hearing my own thoughts repeated back to me from a much more level head.

"No, it doesn't. But what if..."

"What if...?" she prompted.

"What if I can't figure out how to act around him? He was upset when he left my house last night and I don't even know why."

"Just play it by ear. You seem to connect with him and I think you'll be able to tell if he's upset or if you've stepped wrong. And if you can't figure it out, just ask him. If he's open enough with you to tell you all of this, I think he'd be honest about something like that."

I nodded and watched her as she finished her fruit salad. We paid for lunch and made our way to our cars.

I leaned against my truck for a minute before saying goodbye. "I was sure you'd discourage me from seeing him again. You were against us just going to a bar."

"Oh, I'm not suggesting eternal commitment, Bella. But he sounds like a nice guy who needs a friend." She frowned. "Speaking of bars, isn't it bad to drink while you're taking medication like an antidepressant?"

"Oh." The guilty feeling I'd had last night tugged at me again. "I have no idea."

Angela nodded and hugged me.

After I left the diner, and all through teaching that afternoon, I couldn't get any of it – Jasper's revelations, my conversation with Angela, her questions – out of my head. I was even more distracted than I had been in the morning.

When I got home from work, I quickly heated some leftovers and made myself comfortable at the kitchen table with my food and laptop. I stared at the screen for a bit, unsure where to start. I brought up Google and typed in the first and least scary thing that came to mind.

_Clinical Depression_

The amount of information available was extensive. I skimmed through information about symptoms and signs, causes, diagnoses, and treatments. The technical jargon was dense and I searched for an article that would break it down in layperson-friendly terms. The Mayo Clinic had a good article about antidepressants and alcohol. It said that some drinking might be okay, depending on the antidepressant, but that combining the two was mostly discouraged. I bookmarked the article. I wondered if Jasper was in any sort of therapy.

The next search made me nervous and I wiped my hands on my pants before I continued.

_Heroin_

The Wikipedia entry was too clinical to understand easily. There was a reason I hadn't majored in one of the sciences. I skipped to the National Institute on Drug Abuse's site – their information was easier to follow. I cringed as I read about intravenous injection and wondered if that had always been Jasper's preferred "method of administration."

I stuck with it long enough to read about outward signs of heroin use and overdose and then moved on.

_Cocaine_

I slugged my way through the signs of cocaine use and dependence. I was surprised to learn that cocaine and heroin were two very different types of drugs. I guess I had forgotten that from whatever we'd been taught in high school Health class. I read a little bit about "speedballing" – the combination of heroin and cocaine in the same needle – and the associated dangers.

By the time I'd learned that the technical term for snorting was _insufflation, _I'd had enough for the night.

All of my newfound information made me hope that Jasper could stay clean. I threw away my mostly uneaten dinner and stowed my laptop in my bag for tomorrow.

I spent the rest of the night alternately staring at the TV and nothing.

. . . . . . . .

For the second night in a row, I sat in bed with my cell phone in my hand. It hadn't beeped. Aside from an earlier call from Angela, it has been silent all day.

The more I thought about it, the less surprised I was that Edward and Alice had never said anything. They probably felt it wasn't their story to tell. It wasn't exactly your standard conversation topic, either. _Hey, did you know Jasper used to shoot heroin? Can you pass the peas?_

How much did it matter, anyway? It was the past, right?

But what if he had another "slip-up" as he had in college? Without Alice around, to whom would he turn? I had always wondered about his relationship with Rose. They had never seemed nearly as close as Edward and Alice. How did Rose deal with all of this? Would she bother to get her hands dirty for the sake of her twin? There was Emmett, who had proven – even to me – that he would always do right by the people he cared about, but I wasn't sure how any of their relationships were now that Alice and Jasper were no longer together.

I held my thumb over "reply" on Jasper's last text message. I felt like I should reach out to him, let him know I was still okay with what he'd told me, even after I'd had a day to think about it. But I didn't know if he was even worried about what I was thinking.

I finally hit the button but then immediately closed my phone and tossed it on my bedside table.

I slid down under the covers.

I'd wait until next week to talk to him. Good conversations were hard to have via text message and I didn't feel comfortable calling him about this right now. I was sure that given a few days, I'd have this all worked out for myself. I knew I wanted to be there for him, to help him if he needed it. But... did he even want that from me?

I sighed in the dark. Dreams of fallen cowboys filled my night.

. . . . . . . .

I nervously tapped my foot as I stirred minced cilantro and freshly squeezed lime juice into a pan of rice.

It was 7:05 and there was no sign of Jasper. He'd texted to say he would be here at 7:00. Not that 7:05 was particularly late... but last week he'd been early.

Maybe he'd changed his mind. I frowned to myself. My nerves and imagination were working overtime.

I put the lid back on the rice. As I was walking to the sink to rinse the spoon, the doorbell chimed through the silence of the house. I jumped and the spoon clattered to the floor. Dozens of sticky grains of rice splattered across the linoleum.

I knelt quickly with a towel. Poor Jasper. He was going to think I was leaving him out there.

I threw the whole mess in the sink and hurried to the front hall. I twisted the lock and pulled open the door.

Jasper was standing there, his eyes already on mine. He was running one hand through his hair and holding a six-pack under his other arm.

I was a little disappointed when I noticed he was wearing just jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. I hadn't realized until now that I'd been hoping for a repeat of last week. He must have caught my expression because he looked down at his clothes. He gave me a half-smile and raised one shoulder in apology.

I unlocked the storm door and he opened it.

"Sorry it took me so long. The rice and I..." It felt dumb to be talking about rice and I turned to the kitchen. I stopped when I felt Jasper's hand on my arm.

"Bella."

I turned back to him and he was standing close. His expression was intense as he looked down at me.

We stared at each other for a few moments. Jasper ran his hand through his hair again and I wanted to take his hand and stick it in his pocket. I started to relax when I realized he was as nervous as I was.

We opened our mouths to speak at the same time. I quickly snapped mine closed. Jasper chuckled.

"We good?" he asked simply.

I smiled up at him and saw some of the tension leave his face.

His question wasn't as simple as it sounded. I didn't know if we'd have to talk about things more – if Jasper would want to, or if he'd be willing to answer the questions I had. I _did_ know that I was happy to see him here in my hallway. That was good enough for the moment.

"Yeah," I said, my smile bigger now. "We're good."

* * *

**100 reviews before midnight after the third chapter? Seriously? I'm... thankful. And would like to make fajitas for you all. And send Jasper to you in his cowboy attire... which most of you seemed to appreciate :)**

**Next update is on Wednesday. See you then :)**


	5. Bella Puts Taco Bell to Shame

**Happy birthday to Legna! Everybody wish bb a happy birthday. She's the Gemini to my Virgo. Coincidence? Naw. Since I couldn't get bb Rob for her bday (I really wanted to!), I wrote her a silly one-shot instead. It's in my profile if you're interested. It's J/B - though in no way related to FitV.**

**I still don't own any of it, aside from a kickass playlist for this story.**

* * *

_**In Which Bella Puts Taco Bell to Shame**_

Over the next few weeks, Jasper and I settled into a comfortable routine. Our Tuesday night tradition continued and officially became Tex-Mex Tuesday. I alternated meal requests from Jasper with my own ideas. We also saw each other every other Friday or so. Sometimes we spent those evenings at one of the local bars.

Jasper said I was spoiling him with all of the home-cooked food. He joked that there was a distinct possibility he might come to stay one day and never leave. After he lamented one night that Emmett had "accidentally" eaten his leftovers, I started making extras for him to take home to Emmett. I didn't ask Jasper what Rose thought of our random friendship; I figured he'd tell me if she had anything worthwhile to say. We'd talk about it eventually.

Our conversations were easy and free-flowing. We generally ate dinner with the radio on and TV off. Occasionally, we'd put on a movie afterward, but that usually only happened when one of us discovered the other hadn't seen something imperative to a well-rounded film education.

"Bella, I am almost positive that most Film Studies curricula do not include _Heathers_. This movie is almost as old as you are."

I covered my mouth in horror. "Jasper, JD speaks timeless wisdom in the language of angsty teenagers! 'Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.'"

Finals week arrived. Jasper suggested we close out exams with a small celebration. He asked if Angela and Ben would want to join us at Big Time. That reminded me that I had something to get off my chest.

"Hey, I have something... to tell you," I said to Jasper over mole chicken. I bounced my fork on the edge of my plate. "I was talking to Angela a couple of weeks ago, and I told her the things you told me on fajita night." I closed my eyes, bracing for impact.

I felt a poke at my shoulder and opened my eyes. Jasper looked amused. I exhaled.

"You're not pissed?"

"I'm not pissed. It was heavy information. I'm glad you have someone you can talk to."

"Yeah, Angela's wonderful. She'd never say anything to anyone, by the way," I reassured him.

"I'm not worried about that. Anyone you trust, I trust. I'm glad you're not closing yourself off like you did with Edward."

"Oh, Angela will never let me do _that_ again," I chuckled.

When Jasper was silent, I looked up from my plate. He was cutting his chicken like he was on a mission.

"What's up?" I asked, wondering what had spooked him.

"Huh? Uh, nothing." He looked at me with wide eyes and went back to his poor food.

I stared at him for a minute and then it dawned on me. I could feel my cheeks start to flush. Inadvertently or not, Jasper had compared our relationship to my relationship with Edward.

I picked up my knife and meticulously hacked my chicken to shreds.

. . . . . . . .

The four of us met at Big Time, Friday after finals. I was pleased when Jasper got along well with Ben. They laughed and chatted easily. When they started talking about _Public_ _Enemies_, which was opening in July, Angela and I teased them that maybe they'd need to go out on a man-date. We all promised to make more plans together soon.

It had been fun spending time with other people, and I knew we'd keep good on our promise to hang out with Angela and Ben again. I had to admit, though, that I really enjoyed the one-on-one camaraderie of our Tex-Mex Tuesdays. I was having a great time getting to know Jasper better, and I was pretty sure he felt the same way.

As we dished chili con carne on a rainy evening, I got up the nerve to ask Jasper about therapy.

"The rehab house I went to really stressed the group therapy approach and Carlisle helped me find someone here who did both individual and group sessions. For the first year after rehab, I went once weekly to both. By the time I graduated from high school, I thought I had a handle on things and stopped going as regularly."

"But you didn't? Have a handle on things?" I asked tentatively, trying to respect his space.

"Well, I did, for a while. Having Alice helped. Then that drowning feeling started to creep back in. I couldn't shake it. Alice encouraged me to go back to the therapist after... I came home high a couple of times." He cleared his throat but didn't look as uneasy as I had feared he would. "I did, and he determined that my medication wasn't working as effectively as it had been. After I switched, things were better."

"Are you still seeing the therapist?"

"Uh, no. I went for a couple of months after that... and then I just stopped going."

"Alice didn't make you go back last year?"

He frowned. "She tried. But, we were already having problems by then and... I haven't gone back in a couple of years. Carlisle takes care of my assessments and prescriptions now."

I nodded and we finished dinner discussing Hitchcock's best and worst movies.

. . . . . . . .

I found out a little more about Jasper's relationship with his sister. She had always been the more outgoing and aggressive twin. She liked to be front and center, in charge of things and getting her way. None of this was surprising, given what I'd learned about her in the time I'd known her.

"That sounds like Rose," I said.

"I think she was always been a little bit pissed that I never followed along with her plans for world domination. But I was happy to just do my own thing, regardless of who was watching. We've never related to each other very well. I just don't thrive on being singled out, like she does."

"She and Alice are a lot alike," I said casually. I was relieved when Jasper nodded assent and didn't look angry or upset.

"Rose cares, she does. But she does so on her own terms."

At the end of a random Sunday night double feature, Jasper fell asleep sprawled across the couch before the end of the second movie. It was later than it should have been by the time the movies were over because we'd spent so much time stopping to dissect our favorite parts. I covered Jasper with an extra-long blanket and let him sleep. When I got up for work the next morning, I found him – dazed and rumpled – in my kitchen, making coffee. He was rubbing his neck as he waited for it to brew, and I promised that next time he stayed, he could sleep in the guest room.

Over enchiladas the following Tex-Mex Tuesday, we talked about our high school experiences. They had been – unsurprisingly – very different. Jasper gave me some of the details about how he'd gotten into drugs. He talked a bit about what it had been like when he'd first been depressed and hadn't realized there was anything to actually be concerned about.

He told me that he had initially tried to combat the feelings of lethargy and sadness with "indiscriminate fucking." During this conversation was one of the rare times I saw Jasper become upset. Which, for Jasper, meant that he'd basically just shut down.

"It was the only thing, before I started with the pills and coke, which made me feel good after Bobby moved. The rush from the sex, the feeling of control over something, _someone_..." He trailed off, looking disgusted. The rest of the night's conversation was sparse, and I turned on the TV to find a distraction for us.

Another night, he talked a bit about the girl he'd dated during his junior year of high school – Maria. She had been the one to introduce him to heroin. On his seventeenth birthday. I had a vague daydream about liberating Charlie of his side arm and seeking her out for a little sit-down. _Happy fucking birthday._

When I offhandedly mentioned what I'd been thinking about Maria, I got a look at Jasper's rare temper. His jaw tensed and his eyebrows drew together.

"Violence is never the answer, Bella," he said tersely. I nodded and didn't press the issue. I was curious about what made him react like that. As with the subject of Rose, I figured if there was something important to talk about, we'd get there. Eventually.

. . . . . . . .

As we peeled the husks off fresh-made tamales – Jasper's idea – he asked about my parents.

"I would say my relationships with Renée and Charlie are unconventional."

"How so?"

I thought about it for a minute. How could I best describe the two people who had cared for me my whole life?

"Well, Angela says I'm the one who raised them."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Renée is a free spirit. Since the time I was nine, I was responsible for making our dinner menus and packing my own lunches. I used to do my own laundry _and_ hers. We've always been incredibly close – more like sisters than anything else. I'd probably still be in Phoenix if she hadn't married Phil. And then when I went back there for college..." I shrugged. "She just never stopped needing me, even with Phil around. As much as I love her, it was... challenging to deal with sometimes. That's part of why I transferred to UW."

"And the Chief?"

I laughed. The Chief. Jasper had never met him but I knew they'd get along. Their competition for "so laidback as to be mistaken for dead" would be fierce.

"Charlie doesn't _need _anyone."

"Like you?"

I leaned across the table to swat Jasper's arm. It wasn't the first time someone had compared my insularity to Charlie's.

"Charlie doesn't need anyone, but he liked having me around in high school. He finally had someone to care for him – someone who-"

Jasper cut me off. "Made lunches and did laundry?"

I smiled ruefully. "Exactly."

"Do you miss them?"

"Both, terribly."

. . . . . . . .

I found a summer job at a local bookstore. They needed someone to work the floor and serve as a part-time assistant manager. The money wasn't fabulous, but it would keep me afloat for the summer until my stipend resumed in the fall.

Three weeks after we hung out with Angela and Ben at Big Time, and I'd suitably settled into my job, I asked them to join Jasper and me for dinner at my place. It was a Friday night and none of us had to work the next day. I was going to make tacos, which were always good for a crowd.

I was picking out fresh tomatoes at the grocery store Friday afternoon when I had a brilliant idea. I sent Jasper a text.

**Could you bring your guitar tonight?**

He replied as I was digging through the red onions.

_**i could. why?**_

We continued our conversation as I zipped around to pick up the other things I needed.

**Would you play for us after dinner?**

_**what do I get out of it?**_

**Homemade queso.**

_**sally and i will be there**_

That stopped me near the canned black olives.

**Sally?**

_**my guitar :)**_

I retraced my steps for queso ingredients.

A few hours later, I had managed to get just about everything ready, including fresh guacamole. I had just finished arranging wedges of tortillas on a baking sheet, to go with the queso, when the doorbell rang.

Angela and Ben were huddled together on the front porch under one umbrella. I ushered them into the front hall.

"Beer," Ben said, holding up a six-pack.

"Dessert." Angela offered me a white box. She had wanted to bring something and dessert was the course on which I usually skimped.

I was stowing the drinks in the fridge when the doorbell chimed again.

"Got it!" Angela called.

I heard voices in the hall and a minute later Jasper followed Angela into the kitchen.

"He brought his guitar!" she said.

"But," he said, shaking Ben's hand, "you know the deal, Bella."

I pointed at the ceramic dish of queso already on the table.

My kitchen table, like everything else in my house, was small. I had pulled it away from the wall and brought up two folding chairs from the basement. It would be a tight squeeze, and the dishes all barely fit, but hopefully it would at least be cozy.

We started dinner a few minutes later and everyone made quick work of the tacos.

I kept bumping elbows with Jasper, who was on my left. It happened so much I started to think he was doing it on purpose. When I elbowed him back particularly hard when reaching for the onions, he feigned injury and winked at me. Ben made a couple of comments about starting to join us for Tex-Mex Tuesday before Angela wondered how much she could get for his flat screen. She grinned at me across the table.

After dinner, we lounged around the table and enjoyed the cheesecake Angela brought.

"All right, boys, go out there and get comfy and we'll take care of the kitchen." Ben and Jasper grabbed drinks from the fridge and allowed Angela to shoo them out of the room. Angela and I quickly cleaned the kitchen and joined them.

Jasper had settled on his now-customary end of the couch, and I took up mine. Ben shifted to the floor in front of my beat-up armchair so that Angela could sit in the chair. He leaned back against her legs when she sat down.

Jasper had retrieved his guitar from the front hall and was now tuning her by ear. "Sally" was an older acoustic Gibson. The pickguard and fingerboards were black and covered with a light, ornamental design that reminded me of the cowboy shirt Jasper had worn the second time he came over.

"Requests?" Jasper looked around at the three of us. Angela and I exchanged shrugs and Ben shook his head.

Jasper dragged his fingers idly over the strings while he thought.

The idle strums morphed into a coherent tune that I identified immediately.

"Of course... you're a cowboy, on a steel horse you ride." I sighed theatrically.

He winked at me and kept strumming. He paused for a minute.

"Ah, got it."

The opening was easily recognizable and I clapped. "_Much_ better."

Jasper grinned up at me and looked back down. His fingers were moving quickly and I was impressed. This wasn't an easy intro. Then he started to sing.

And

Whoa.

I had reluctantly sung in chorus in Junior High. Who hadn't? I was a self-proclaimed music enthusiast, although I wasn't the well-schooled student of theory that Edward was. All of that aside, or taken into account, I could hear that Jasper's voice wasn't perfect. Not perfect, but... rich. Rough. Deep, as his speaking voice.

Deep, but he sounded tentative, as if he was embarrassed or unsure we would like his singing.

I smiled encouragingly when my heart stopped trying to free itself via my throat.

He caught my smile and returned it in confident _more, more, mores_.

Had I never heard Jasper sing before? Thinking about it between midnight hours and rebel yells, I wasn't pretty sure I hadn't. Edward and Alice had always been the ones to sing if we were ever in a position for piano playing and guitar strumming.

What a shame.

I looked over at Ben and Angela and found Angela was looking at me, her lips pursed. I grinned broadly and she smiled back. We returned our attention to Jasper.

The next time the chorus came up, he nodded at us and we all joined in.

By the time the song was done, Angela and I were bouncing around the living room, arms over our heads. Ben had grabbed a couple of pens from my bag and was accompanying Jasper on coffee table drums.

"That was awesome," I said, collapsing on the couch next to Jasper.

"Amazing, man," Ben said, and Angela nodded in agreement.

"Thanks," Jasper said. His smile was easy and he looked completely at home, seated on my couch, the guitar resting against his thigh. Without thinking, I reached out and squeezed his arm, pleased to see him so happy.

He smiled back at me.

Now that we knew what we were dealing with, we spent the rest of the evening making requests. He was even able to pick out pick out a few songs he didn't really know, after hearing them on my iPod. He obviously had some talent; we were all thoroughly impressed.

The only uncomfortable moment came during our music-we'd-known-as-kids session. We'd just finished rocking back and forth through "Puff, the Magic Dragon."

"My mom used to sing that to me when I was little," Angela giggled. "I don't think she realized what it was about."

After a second, Angela's eyes widened and she looked quickly from Jasper to me. "Sorry!" she mouthed, looking distraught.

But Jasper had either not heard her or politely ignored what she said.

Angela and Ben left around midnight with thanks for the dinner and entertainment. I grinned when Angela gave Jasper a quick hug and Ben said he'd call him about seeing that movie they'd discussed. Jasper was behind them, one foot out the door, when I remembered the leftovers I'd prepared for Emmett. Back in the kitchen, we somehow got on the topic of my earlier proclamation against reggae.

"Tell me again why you don't like reggae. A real reason."

"I'm not sure I can make a valid argument other than that the sound doesn't appeal to me."

"How can it not appeal to you? That's twisted."

"It's not twisted, it's my opinion," I said, huffing.

Before I realized it, we were both yawning frequently and I was shocked when I looked at the clock on the stove.

"How is it 2:30?"

Jasper looked as surprised as I felt. "I guess we got caught in the space-time vortex of invalid arguments against perfectly good music." His tone was teasing and it felt good to be able to argue with him without feeling patronized.

He gathered up the leftovers that had brought us back to the kitchen in the first place, and we made our way to the front hall. I peeked out the door and saw that it was still pouring. I looked at Jasper; he was making sure Sally was safely in her case. With a glance back outside, I made a quick decision.

"I think you should stay."

Jasper turned to me, bemused.

"You can even sleep in the guest room, like I promised," I said hurriedly. I pointed out the door. "It's really late and rainy, and who knows what drunken idiots are going to be testing land speed records on Aurora."

He did his hand-through-the-hair thing and looked at me. "You sure?"

"Certainly. There's no sense being unsafe."

"Channeling Charlie?"

"Apparently."

He looked at me for a minute before he started unzipping his jacket.

I turned off all of the lights on the first floor and double-checked that the door was locked. I got my customary nighttime bottle of water and handed a second one to Jasper.

When the first floor was locked down, I led Jasper upstairs. He had never been up here before and I gave him a quick tour. He stuck his head into my bedroom and looked around quickly before accepting the towel I offered him from the linen closet.

I entered the small guest room ahead of him and flipped on the light. The bed was a queen. It was another piece of inexpensive furniture Charlie had helped me find when I moved into this house. I wondered briefly if Jasper would be too tall for it.

I waved at the bed. "It's not the most comfortable, but it should do."

"It'll be fine, Bella, really." He yawned and kicked off his shoes. "Thanks for letting me crash."

"Oh! Hang on a second."

I hurried into my room and pulled out the clothes I had given Jasper the first time he was here. Back in the guest room, I put them into his outstretched hands.

"Excellent. Another chance to steal this t-shirt."

"We'll see about that. Need anything else?"

He looked around the room and shook his head. "See you in the morning?"

"I'll be the one with the coffee." I backed out of the room and gave Jasper a small wave before I went back to my room. I leaned against my shut door.

I wondered if my dream cowboys would be singing tonight.

* * *

**Jasper sang Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell," in case you're not familiar with the lyrics, and Bella referenced Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive."**

**I know that "Puff, the Magic Dragon" wasn't **_**really**_** about drugs, but the myth is pervasive enough that a bunch of 20-somethings might believe it is.**

**I should have mentioned this on Sunday: AngstGoddess wrote an article called "OMJ - Exploring the Jasper Factor" for the _The Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster_ blog this past Saturday. A link to the blog is in my profile. There is a lot of yummy Jasper goodness in the article.**

**Until Sunday...**


	6. Jasper Paid Attention

**I am headed out of town this Wednesday for almost two weeks. All chapters for that time frame have been prepped and are ready to go, so it's just a matter of hunting down wifi. Posting times may be erratic. Chapter Seven could be up anytime between Tuesday night and Thursday morning. **

**Legna, the better, brighter half of Ellegna, will be in charge of teasers and whatnot on my Twilighted thread. With no supervision, I assume she will be taunting people relentlessly - go keep her company, please. **

**All I own is a bunch of CompactFlash memory cards.**

* * *

**_In Which Jasper Paid Attention_**

"_Bella."_

"Jasper."

"_I'm picking you up tomorrow at 2:00. Wear jeans and a jacket."_

"Don't you have to work?"

"_I have the afternoon off. 2:00?"_

"Should I even bother ask-"

"_No. 2:00. See you tomorrow."_

Jasper had asked me earlier this week if I could get this Friday afternoon off from the bookstore. My new boss had taken a liking to me so I was able to manage it without too much trouble. I had to work Saturday afternoon and evening, instead, which was less than ideal. But Jasper had been pleased when I said I could get Friday, so it was fine.

He absolutely refused to tell me what we were doing and I had finally given up guessing. "Jeans and a jacket" was not very telling. I checked the weather online and they were predicting an actual sunny, rain-free Seattle day.

Just before 2:00 on Friday, I heard the rumble of a motorcycle in my driveway. They had been right about the weather; the sky was clear and there had been a rumor at work that it might be nice all weekend.

Jasper came to the door and surveyed my outfit. He was holding his spare helmet.

"The ride will be about an hour, and it's sunny but only about 60. Are you going to be warm enough?"

I pulled a heavier fleece jacket from the closet and he nodded.

Jasper waited downstairs while I went upstairs to switch bags. I quickly emptied everything from my tote into a bag with a strap I could wear across my chest. On my way back down the stairs, I pulled my hair into a loose bun at the base of my neck. I had learned after my first ride with Jasper that 60-mile-an-hour winds did nothing positive for my long hair. I locked up and followed Jasper outside.

"You're still not telling me where we're going?"

"No. You'll know soon enough. You ready to get on?" Jasper had already mounted his bike and was pulling on thin, black gloves.

I got the helmet and my bag situated. I braced myself against Jasper's arm and swung my leg over the seat. Given my general tendency to be a klutz, it was a miracle I could get on the bike without toppling the whole thing over. The pillion seat was sloped slightly forward, so I had no choice but to snug myself against Jasper's back. I wrapped my arms loosely around his middle and clamped my knees against the seat. Jasper had custom-installed a second set of foot pegs after he bought the bike, so there was a place for me to rest my feet.

"Hold on," he said, over his shoulder, and pulled out of my driveway.

Jasper's bike was built for speed, not comfort, and I was a bit concerned about how badly my ass was going to ache after an hour's ride. I had ridden with him a couple of times before, but never for farther than a few miles.

I watched as Jasper got on I-5 South, heading out of Seattle. I was beyond guessing where we were headed.

It was the perfect day for an open-air ride; I was glad that the weather had cooperated with Jasper's mystery plans. I watched the scenery flash by as we kept heading south and noticed that it wasn't flashing by _too_ quickly. It was one thing to be trolling around neighborhoods filled with stop signs and streetlights. It was an entirely different matter to be out on the highway with nothing between my legs and the asphalt but a layer of denim. I had expressed this concern to Jasper one of the times he had picked me up to go out. I was thankful that he was keeping the speed down and knew it was for my benefit.

After less than an hour, I estimated, Jasper exited the highway somewhere in the middle of Tacoma. A minute later, we were pulling into a large, mostly empty parking lot. I looked around as Jasper parked the bike.

"Cheney Stadium, Home of the Tacoma Rainiers," I read from a huge sign. I recognized the team name. "Baseball, Jasper?"

"Hang on," he said, pulling off his helmet. He held out his arm. "Get off."

I dismounted and pulled off my helmet. My butt wasn't too sore. I shook out my legs.

Jasper watched me as I scanned the parking lot. "I know, I know, you hate baseball. But bear with me on this one, okay?"

I nodded. He was aware of my feelings about baseball. And the Tacoma Rainiers? This was too random. I would reserve judgment.

We took the helmets with us and started walking toward the stadium.

I didn't see anyone else anywhere around. "What time is the game?"

"7:00." Jasper was looking at his watch. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned to me. He pointed at me and then the ground, clearly indicating, "stay put." I snapped off a sarcastic salute. He chuckled as he walked toward the closed ticket windows, holding his phone to his ear.

He held a short conversation with someone and then beckoned me over.

"Aren't we kind of early for a 7:00 game?

"You're going to kill me, woman. Patience." He started whistling.

Two minutes later, when a door next to the ticketing windows opened, he was still whistling and I'd accompanied him in my tremulous soprano all the way up to "I been walkin' the streets at night." We broke off when a pretty blonde walked through the door.

"Mr. Hale?" She walked toward Jasper, hand extended.

"Jasper," he said, shaking her hand. "Thank you again for doing this."

"Oh, it's our pleasure, Jasper. The players' families are very important." She turned to me. "And, you are Isabella? I'm Colleen Camis."

I was beyond confused but I shook her hand. "Just Bella."

"If you'll both come with me?" She turned and walked back through the door, locking it after we followed her through.

She led us along the mezzanine. "I have you set up in one of our hospitality rooms. Mr. Dwyer has a couple of hours before he has to start warming up."

I stopped short as it clicked into place.

"Phil? Phil is playing here tonight?"

The excitement in my voice must have been evident because Jasper faced me with a huge grin. He looked very pleased.

"He's here for a four-game series."

I think I might have squealed as I flung myself at Jasper. He chuckled and hugged me back.

I noticed Colleen looking amused when I released him. "This was a surprise, I take it?"

"And it's not even my birthday!" I said, clapping my hands together like a three-year-old.

A couple of minutes later, she showed us into a room overlooking the field. Phil was waiting for us.

"Bella!" he exclaimed as he picked me up in a huge hug.

"I can't believe Renée didn't tell me you'd be here! How's your knee?"

"You know your mom; she's not the greatest with schedules. It's good, healing okay. I'm hoping to be back with the D-backs in a few weeks." He took in the helmets we were carrying. "Good ride down?"

"Yeah, it was great. Phil," I said, remembering my manners, "this is my friend, Jasper Hale. Jasper, Phil, my step-dad. Which you obviously already know."

"Nice to meet you, sir," Jasper said as they shook hands.

"Please, no 'sir' – the bum knee makes me feel old enough."

Colleen pointed out the small buffet that had been set up by the windows. Jasper thanked her again before she left.

"You," I said, poking Jasper's arm, "are going to explain to me how you did this."

"I will," he poked my arm with a carrot stick, "but enjoy your time with Phil first."

We spent the next couple of hours catching up. I hadn't seen Phil since I'd been home in Phoenix for Christmas. He was temporarily playing with the Diamondback's AAA team, the Reno Aces, while he was on the DL. Renée, who was slightly more grounded now than she had been when she and Phil first got married, was taking some ceramics and glass blowing classes at a community college in Phoenix. She didn't want to miss classes to travel, so Phil was on his own for right now.

"I think she's going to come up to Reno next weekend, when we're home for a few days."

"She'll probably try to drag you to down to Tahoe for waterskiing or something, you know."

"Oh, I know," Phil laughed. "I already went down with the guys and scouted out Renée-approved accommodations. So, when do you think you'll be home again, Bella? You know she misses you."

I had noticed Phil looking between Jasper and me appraisingly as we ate, and I knew full well that I would soon be receiving a call from my overly excitable mother. I wouldn't be surprised if I heard from her before the night was out.

"It'll probably be Christmas, again, unless I can find a cheap flight. Maybe I can make it down for a long weekend before classes start up again."

Phil "hmmed." "You ever been to Phoenix, Jasper?"

I narrowed my eyes at Phil and he blinked innocently.

"Um, no, I haven't. I spent a lot of time on the Texas shore when I was growing up, but we never made it to Arizona."

"You should come visit with Bella. The weather's a 180 from what I hear it's usually like here." He waved a hand at the window.

Jasper smirked at me.

I kicked Phil under the table. I would never hear the end of this from Renée.

A little bit later, Colleen came back into the room. "You have about fifteen minutes, Mr. Dwyer. Here are your tickets, Jasper. Enjoy the game."

Twenty minutes later, Phil was walking us to our seats. "It was great to see you, Bella. Your mom is going to be jealous. Thanks for setting this up, Jasper."

They shook hands and Phil gave me another enormous hug.

"Enjoy the fireworks!" he called before he disappeared.

"Fireworks?" I asked, as we settled into our seats. We were right behind the Visitors' dugout and had a great view of the field.

"Firework Friday. They have them every Friday night after the game. You seem like a fireworks sort of gal."

"Oh, I am. Now, tell me how you did this!"

Jasper reminded me that I had mentioned to him a couple of weeks ago that Phil was hurt and would be playing in the minors for a little while. He had done some research online and made a couple of calls when he found out the Aces would be in Tacoma.

"I can't believe you did this," I murmured.

Jasper shrugged. "It was no big deal."

"No, Jasper," I said, turning to him, "it _is_ a big deal." I gave him an awkward hug across the armrest. "Thank you so much."

He smiled at me and tugged at my hair, which I'd let down earlier.

The players came out a bit later to start warming up. I cheered and clapped enthusiastically when Phil came onto the field. He waved up at us.

Partway through the third inning, my phone rang. I looked at the display and rolled my eyes.

"Hey, Mom."

"_Bella, baby! Phil called me!"_

"Yeah, he's out on the field right now. He looks great."

"_I'm so upset I can't be there with you! So, Bella, Phil said you're there with a boy? Is there anything you want to tell your old mom?"_

I groaned. "Not now, Mom." I didn't look at Jasper, who I could feel twitching next to me.

"_But, Bella-"_

"I'll talk to you tomorrow morning, okay? I promise."

"_Okay, baby. Have fun, okay? Kiss Phil for me! And, say hi to your friend, too. Jasper, Phil said?"_

"Yes, Mom. Love you."

Jasper was snickering in his seat as I slid my phone back into my bag.

"Problem?" I asked.

"How's Mom?" He apparently had an inkling what Renée had been talking about.

"Predictable." I shot him a death glare and, with only semi-success, he tried to curb his chuckles.

During the fifth inning, Phil tossed a foul ball up to us. Jasper neatly caught it and handed it to me.

The stadium had a great small-town feel to it, and Jasper and I had fun getting to know the people sitting around us. Annie, a nice woman a couple of seats down from me, switched seats with her husband, Ray, and took it upon herself to tell me about all of the Rainier players. She was a force of statistical nature. She knew not only their personal stats, like height, weight, and date of birth, but also RBIs, batting averages, bases stolen per game, and completely obscure things like average number of walks per home series.

During the seventh-inning stretch, as the sun was starting to set, Annie took us to the top of the leftfield bleachers to see if we could see Mt. Rainier. We could, and I wished aloud that I had my camera with me. Annie promptly whipped a tiny camera out of her pocket – "You never know when you might get a photo op with the players, dear!" – and took a photo of Jasper and me with the mountain in the background. Annie told us to stand closer and Jasper casually put his arm around my shoulders. When we got back to our seats, she wrote down my email address so that she could send it to me.

"My Annie is a real champ with a computer," Ray said, kissing her forehead. I was amused when she giggled and blushed.

The Rainiers won 7 to 5, despite a late rally from the Aces, which included an RBI homerun from Phil. Phil vaulted the fence to come up and give me a last hug before heading out.

"No fireworks?" I teased.

"No, but you two enjoy them." He winked at me as he jogged to catch up with the rest of the team.

Annie and Ray didn't stay for the fireworks either. "It was nice to meet you kids." I was only half-surprised when Annie pulled me into a hug. "You drive home safely," she cautioned Jasper.

"Yes, ma'am," he said seriously. She hugged him, too.

"Are you chilly?" Jasper asked as we settled back into our seats to wait for the fireworks.

The temperature had dropped as night fell and I was glad I had gone with the heavier jacket. I shook my head as I propped my feet on the railing in front of me, but the warmth from his shoulder pressed against mine was welcome.

The fireworks started as soon as it was fully dark. I had to admit it was an impressive display. There were lots of oohs and aahs from the kids and Bellas in the stands.

"You look like you're enjoying yourself," Jasper said after one particularly colorful burst.

"I am," I smiled at him.

"Good," he said, grinning back.

The fireworks finished up around 10:15 and we slowly made our way out to the parking lot with the remaining crowd. Jasper handed me a spare pair of gloves he kept stored in the bike. I thanked him and tugged them on, giggling at how big they were.

Jasper maneuvered us skillfully out of the parking lot and we were quickly on the highway.

I was grateful for the gloves and the warmth from Jasper as we roared through the night. At one point, he covered my clasped hands with one of his and squeezed gently. I hugged his middle more tightly. The air was chilly but the ride was relaxed and comfortable. I was a little disappointed when we made it to my house a bit after 11:00.

I carefully dismounted and stood next to the bike. Jasper pulled off his helmet.

"Do you want to come in for a minute? Stretch your legs before you go home?" Jasper looked at his watch and I could see hesitance on his face. "Oh, no, you don't have to. I mean, it's late and I'm sure you want-"

"No, Bella, I would love to. It's just... I have to get up early tomorrow. For a cruise out on the Sound." He looked apologetic. "For a... birthday party."

"Oh." Of course. Tomorrow was June 20th. Edward and Alice's birthday. "Alice spares no expense, huh?" I smiled to let Jasper know I understood. He looked relieved.

Jasper got off his bike and walked me to my door.

I dug my keys out of my bag and we stood quietly for a minute on the porch.

"I had an amazing time today," I said quietly, looking up at him.

"I'm glad," Jasper said. "Me, too."

"I think I might go home Sunday to see Charlie for Father's Day. So, Tuesday? I think quesadillas are next on the list?"

"They are. Tuesday," he agreed. "Travel safe, Bella."

"You, too. Text me?" That was one of our routines. If he was riding his bike, he knew to let me know when he got home. I always reminded him, though.

"Of course." He moved to step off the porch but turned back and pulled me into a hug. I could smell the cool night on him and inhaled deeply before I let go.

He pushed me gently toward the door and waited until I was safely inside before turning to go.

"Good night," I called through the storm door.

Jasper waved as he pulled out of the driveway. I watched until the night swallowed the cowboy and his steel horse.

* * *

**Jasper's whistling GNR's "Patience."**

**You have no idea how much I adore every single review I get. I'll be piggying them up on my blackberry while I'm gone.**

**To the ladies who have rec'ed this story out and about (the ones I know about): lambcullen on Ravelry, Hmonster4 in a Deconstructing Dracula AN, cdunbar on the Temptation** **podcast, freakyhazeleyes and KTBass on The Gazebo... This face? Right here? My over-the-moon face. Seriously_._ _Thank you._**

**See you sometime around Wednesday :)**


	7. Jasper Is Late and Rosalie Is a Bitch

**Legna keeps my words and me in check.**

**We're a little early, here - I'm worried that Wednesday will be impossible and don't want to risk it.**

* * *

**_In Which Jasper Is Late and Rosalie Is a Bitch_**

It was 8:15 and Jasper was fifteen minutes late. In the three months we'd been hanging out, he'd only been delayed twice and had to cancel once. Aside from when he was less than ten minutes late on "burrito night," he had always called or texted to let me know. I sent him a quick text and joked that my stomach was going to eat itself if he didn't hurry up with the Chinese. We had opted to stay in this Friday night.

At 8:30, when he still hadn't shown up or replied to my text, I called his cell. His voicemail picked up after five rings. I didn't bother to leave a message – he would know why I called. Maybe he was stuck at the gym and didn't have his phone on him. I flipped on the television, too exhausted from a long day to focus on the book I'd recently started.

One and a half _Friends_ episodes later, I was worried. I tried calling him again, but his voicemail still picked up. Maybe he'd caught the summer bug that was going around and had fallen asleep. We'd had to skip this week's Tex-Mex Tuesday, so I hadn't seen him for a week and a half. He could be sick and I might not know.

By 10:00, I was in a near panic. I'd called his cell twice more and sent another text. I decided that even if he were sick, unless he didn't have his phone near him, all of the ringing or buzzing would have woken him up. He'd mentioned he was a light sleeper, and I'd seen that firsthand a couple of the times he'd dozed off on my couch.

I had a few options. I could drive to his gym and see if he was there. Maybe something had happened to his motorcycle and he'd forgotten his phone. My stomach turned nervously at the thought of the things that could happen to him on his bike with all of the jackass drivers out there.

Or I could swing by his house to check on the sick-in-bed theory. But that option – and the third, just calling the house to see if he was there – ran a risk. Whether or not Jasper was at home, there was a chance that I would have to talk to Rose. I still didn't know how she felt about my relationship with Jasper. I didn't know if he'd even told her we were hanging out, or if she'd seen the leftovers I sent home for Emmett.

I picked up my cell and scrolled to the JWH entry. He had given me his home number in case I ever needed it. I hesitated just a moment before calling. Rosalie and I were grown women. If she couldn't handle me being her brother's friend, that was her own problem.

The phone rang twice before a gruff voice answered. I exhaled in relief.

"Emmett?"

"_Yeah?"_

"This is Bella."

"_Bella, mi señorita! How the hell are you?"_

"I'm good, Emmett. How've you been?" I chuckled. I never knew how Emmett could be filled with energy and so mellow at the same time. It didn't sound like he'd changed at all since I'd last seen him.

"_Can't complain too much. To what do I owe this pleasure?"_

"I'm looking for Jasper. He was supposed to be here a couple of hours ago and I can't get him on his phone."

"_I haven't seen him since this morning. I think he was headed to work. Hang on."_

I heard him cover the mouthpiece. His muffled voice called, _"Rosie? Have you seen Jasper tonight?" _Then the phone must have shifted against his hand or shirt, because Rose's response was clear. It sounded like she was right next to the phone.

"_He was here for a few minutes this afternoon. He said he was going to the gym and then out. Why? Who's that?"_

"_A friend. He hasn't shown up and she can't reach him on his cell."_ It did not escape my notice that Emmett didn't use my name. I guess that answered the question about how Rose felt about Jasper hanging out with me.

"_She?"_ There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few moments. When Rose's voice came on the line, I was reminded why I'd been hesitant to call.

"_Who is this?"_ Rose's tone meant business. I sighed.

"Hey, Rose. It's Bella."

"_Bella."_ I was impressed with how much disapproval Rose was able to shove into five letters. _"What exactly is it you want from my brother_?"

Hey to you, too, Rosie. Long time, no chat.

"In general? Just friendship. Right now? Chinese food. Mostly, I'd like to know where he is because he always lets me know when he's going to be late and I'm kind of concerned. Any idea where he might be?" I wasn't going to drag this conversation on any longer than I had to. Either she knew where Jasper might be or she didn't. I wasn't up for her bullying right now.

"_What is it... one rich guy didn't work out for you, so you had to find another one?"_

I heard a sharp _"Rosalie!"_ in the background, but she would not be deterred. Emmett deserved some sort of shiny award for voluntarily dealing with this every day.

"_But this time you thought you'd go for one a bit more fragile so you'd be more likely to control him?"_

"Rose-" I didn't really care about what she was saying, but the nervous churning in my stomach was getting worse with each minute Jasper wasn't here.

"_And if you're just trying to make Edward jealous, it's not working. He couldn't care less that_ _you're 'friends' with Jasper."_

"Rose-"

"_Seriously, Bella, my brother might be kind of slow but he's not terminal. He's going to catch on to you sooner or later."_

It was one thing for her to insult me – I didn't care what she thought about me – but it was an entirely different matter for her to insult her brother. He had done nothing to deserve her nasty words. Plus, there were more worrying things going on right now.

"Rosalie! Shut the fuck up!"

I thought I heard Emmett gasp and I wondered how loud I had been.

"_What did you say?"_ She sounded more shocked than angry, which surprised me a bit. Nothing caught the Ice Queen off guard.

"Rose. I don't care why you or anyone else thinks I'm friends with your brother. As long as Jasper knows why, the rest of you don't matter. Now could we please get back on point? I'm worried as fuck and it's doing nothing good for my patience." I wiped a sweaty palm against my shorts.

She was silent.

"Fine. If he shows up, can you please have him call or text me? I might go swing by his gym to see if he's still there. Do you know if he's on his bike?"

There was some noise on the other end of the line and then Emmett was back.

"_Bella? I'm sorry about that. Rosie is just being..."_

"A raging bitch?"

Emmett chuckled and I was glad he could have a sense of humor about the Ice Queen's outbursts. Maybe that was what kept him alive. There had to be something good about her or he wouldn't be with her. A single Emmett Cullen certainly wouldn't have trouble finding a willing woman.

"_Yeah. Sorry."_

"It's okay, Emmett. I would have been disappointed with anything less than rampant hostility. Do you know if Jasper has his bike tonight?"

"_He must, his car's in the garage."_

"Okay, thanks. Sorry to bother you guys. Hope I didn't ruin your evening."

"_Don't be fucking silly. It's great to hear from you. Maybe we'll see you sometime?"_ He said the last part almost timidly and I wondered if Rose was standing there, glaring at him.

"Yeah, that would be really great. Maybe you could join Jasper and me for dinner some night. We usually just hang out here at my house." I tried to emphasize the "you" without being too obvious.

"_Sounds great, Bella. I'll let you go. Thanks for all of the food, by the way."_

"You're welcome, Emmett. It's been my pleasure." At some point I would have to thank him for following me to the hospital last year, but now wasn't a good time.

"_Hey, could you send me a text when you hear from Jasper? Just so we know he's okay?"_

I wrote down Emmett's cell number and told him I hoped I'd see him soon. He promised to bring beer.

I was halfway to my car from my front door when I heard a loud engine down the street. I turned toward it, and had never been so happy to see a single headlight in all my life. I leaned against my truck. When the familiar motorcycle turned into my driveway, I let out the huge breath I'd been holding.

I crossed to Jasper in two steps and had my arms around him as soon as he shut off his bike.

"Jesus, Jasper! Give a girl a heart attack! You drop your phone in the Sound?"

His arms came up around my back and I leaned into the embrace. Now that he was here, my body began to release the tension it had been carrying and I could feel my arms and legs start to shake. I squeezed him as hard as I could and rested my head on the shoulder of his leather jacket. He still had his helmet on and was straddling his bike so the hug was awkward but I didn't care. I was so relieved to see that he was okay.

He rubbed my back for a minute and then let me go. I stepped back so he could dismount.

He turned to his bike while he pulled off his helmet. I reached out to rub his back, so glad he was here. I was startled when he jumped at my touch. I realized he hadn't spoken since he'd arrived.

"Jasper?" I wasn't going to go all jealous-girlfriend on him, since I was anything but, but that didn't mean I didn't want to know why he was two and a half hours late. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah... it's fine, Bella."

The hair on my arms was suddenly standing up and it had nothing to do with the cool summer breeze that was blowing through my front yard.

His usually smooth voice was raspy and choked. I'd never heard it like that before but I knew it didn't mean anything good. I reached back out and grabbed his elbow. I pulled to get him closer, and he resisted for a second but then turned toward me.

His hair was matted because of his helmet and maybe sweat from the gym. It looked like he hadn't shaved in a couple of days. It was hard to see him clearly in the dim light from the streetlamp at the end of my driveway, but when he lifted his head to look at me, I saw the only thing that was truly important.

His pupils were so constricted they were nearly lost in the bright blue of his irises.

Jasper was high.

* * *

**I am thinking maybe Saturday afternoon for Chapter 8. **

**And I apologize for being review-reply-fail for the next few chapters (and the last). I'll probably be lost in a canyon by this time tomorrow.**


	8. The Cart Is Put Before the Horse

**Legna pulled out all of the ficwife stops for this chapter.**

**I listened to Sia's "Breathe Me" a lot while writing this. Go. Make with the iTunes.**

**They're still not mine.**

* * *

**_In Which the Cart Is Put Before the Horse_**

My mind quickly raced through everything I had read online in the last two months about cocaine and heroin. I assumed Jasper would go back to his old habits and not try something new.

Dilated pupils was cocaine. Constricted was heroin.

Heroin, then.

When I recalled the immediate effects of a heroin injection, I broke into a cold sweat.

Panic, worry, anger, and fear were coursing through me in equal parts. I let the emotion that I thought would most successfully get me through the next few minutes take over.

"Jasper, are you fucking _kidding_ me? Did you ride here _high?_ What if you'd been pulled over? Or worse?"

My outburst surprised him and he took a step back. I grabbed his hand before he could back into his bike.

"Let's go inside." I tugged on his hand and then let go when I was sure he was following me. My hands were shaking so badly I could barely get the front door key in the lock. Jasper reached to help me but I pulled away from him. I took a deep breath and successfully unlocked the door.

I waited until Jasper was in the hall before I closed the door with a little too much force. I could feel the adrenaline running through me and my heart was racing. I had to stop for a moment to pull myself together.

I had no idea what to do. I could feel panic replacing the anger. I couldn't very well go consult Google now. If Jasper had gotten himself here...

I looked up and he was watching me. His right foot was tapping restlessly on the small rug. He looked like he badly wanted to be doing something with his hands. I couldn't read his face at all, which was incredibly disconcerting.

Sudden waves of doubt flooded through me. How had I not seen this coming? From everything Jasper had told me, he didn't just jump into drugs. It took him weeks, sometimes months, of fighting his depression before he started using again. Had he been miserable all of these months and I hadn't known? I could feel tears start to well in my eyes. I blinked them back.

Jasper must have noticed this because he took a step toward me, his hands up, palms facing me.

"Bella..."

"Don't 'Bella' me, Jasper."

I stepped around him and walked to the kitchen. I got two bottles of water from the fridge. Water fixed everything, right? I sighed at my ignorance but handed one of the bottles to him, anyway.

I remembered Emmett's request and pulled out my cell phone. I hesitated. What did I say? "Hey, Jasper finally showed up after getting his heroin fix. Thanks for being as blind as I am. Have a good night!" I settled for a quick "Jasper is here, everything is fine" and hit "send."

I drank half of my bottle of water and looked at Jasper. He was still watching me, still tapping his foot. It was starting to freak me out.

"Bella-"

I held up my hand.

"Would you please let m-"

"No."

"Why?"

I ignored his question and brushed past him. I switched off the light in the living room. Whatever he was going to say was going to be influenced by the drugs. I wanted a sober Jasper to explain himself to me.

"Come on," I said. I checked that the door was locked and walked up the stairs.

I paused in front of the guest room. Frankly, I was scared to leave Jasper alone, so I kept walking to my room. He followed.

Drowsiness was supposed to be a big side effect of heroin. I remembered that clearly from the NIDA article. He obviously hadn't done enough to knock himself out, but sleep couldn't be a bad thing.

I grabbed my pajamas.

"Do you... want something to sleep in?"

Jasper shook his head and started unzipping his jacket. "Where am I sleeping?"

"In here, with me." I pointed to the bed as I walked past him to go to the bathroom. I looked up at him long enough to see his eyebrows go up. "Get comfortable."

I changed quickly and went back to my room. Jasper had taken off his jacket and shoes but was otherwise fully dressed. He was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, and, for the moment, he looked peaceful.

"Aren't you going to be hot?" I asked softly. "You know I have something you can wear." I stood next to him. I was almost grateful when he answered without opening his eyes. As long as they were closed, I could almost forget what was going on.

"No, I'm fine, Bella."

I slid into the other side of the bed. Jasper had lain down on top of the sheets and I felt somewhat trapped under the taut covers on my side. But I wasn't going to bother him about it.

I flipped off the light and rolled onto my left side so that I could watch him. To my surprise, he rolled over so he was facing me and opened his eyes.

"Bella..."

I waited for him to continue.

Instead of saying anything else, he reached out and ran his fingers down the side of my face. His touch was light. I felt goose bumps break out along my arms.

He dropped his hand to the bed and seconds later, his eyes were closed. I could hear his slow breathing even out.

I was suddenly struck by how surreal this was. Four hours ago, I'd been thinking about garlic eggplant. Forty minutes ago, I was pacing in my living room. Now, we were lying in my bed under circumstances I'd never imagined.

I reached out and squeezed Jasper's upturned shoulder. I was about to pull my hand away when he reached up and covered it with his own.

I could feel the tears come to my eyes again and couldn't stop one from escaping down my cheek.

All I could hear in my head as I lay watching Jasper in the scant light from a streetlamp was one thing. Over and over.

_How did I miss it?_

_How did I miss it?_

_How did I miss it?_

. . . . . . . .

Neither of us slept well.

For me, sleep did not come easily or stay long. It felt like as soon as I dozed off, I jerked awake, drenched in sweat.

Jasper did not seem to fare much better. He had quickly fallen asleep, but it seemed that every time I woke up, he was rolling over, or shifting.

At 7:00, I finally gave up. The daylight slipping past my thin curtains was making it impossible to even doze off. Jasper seemed to be sleeping more soundly now, and was snoring softly. I quickly gathered clean clothes and left the room.

A long, hot shower eased away some of the tension that a good night's sleep usually would have soothed. I was not looking forward to the conversation I knew I needed to have with Jasper. What if he didn't want to talk to me? I had thought that we'd been open and honest with each other to this point, and I had obviously been wrong about that. Would he share what set him off? Would he let me know how I could help him?

After unenthusiastically washing my hair and everything else, I slowly dressed and then attempted to run a comb through my hair. I was dragging my feet and fooling no one.

In my room, Jasper was still sleeping, in the same position he'd been in when I awoke. I eased the door mostly closed again before heading downstairs to the kitchen. I started a pot of coffee even though I knew it would probably just make my nerves worse. Ten minutes later, I kneed my door open and set Jasper's coffee by his side of the bed.

I sat in my desk chair and watched him for a little while, trying to decide for how long I should let him sleep. He stirred after a bit and I was spared having to figure out the best way to wake him.

Jasper woke slowly. I could tell when he was alert enough to know that he wasn't at home. He sat up slowly; his searching eyes quickly found me.

"Bella?" He rubbed his eyes and pushed his hair out of his face.

I pointed to the coffee next to the bed.

"Thanks." He picked it up and took a sip.

"Do you want to take a shower?"

He nodded and swung his feet to the ground.

"Towels are in the little closet in the hall."

He set the coffee back on the bedside table and disappeared into the hall.

After I heard the shower come on, I realized he would need something to wear. The same clothes he'd worn before were clean. I put them in a little pile outside the bathroom door and set on top a new toothbrush I'd found in the linen closet.

I had time to go downstairs to refresh our coffees before Jasper finished showering. My stomach was aching slightly and I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday at lunch. Depending on how this conversation went, maybe Jasper would want to stay for breakfast. I wasted some time poking around my fridge for huevos rancheros ingredients.

I was sitting on my bed with my back against the headboard when Jasper re-entered the bedroom. He was wearing the clothes I'd left for him and I noticed he had put on the sweatshirt, even though it was muggy in the house. I was queasy at the thought of what his left arm might look like today.

He dropped yesterday's clothes on top of his jacket on the floor next to the bed. His eyes didn't leave mine as he picked up his coffee.

I opened my mouth to speak, but what the hell was I supposed to say? I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall. After months of easy conversation, I hated the unbearable awkwardness that now stretched between us.

When I looked toward him again, Jasper was standing in front of my mirror, fingering the edge of a photo wedged into the frame. It was the one Annie had taken of us at the baseball game last month. You could just see the top of Mt. Rainier in the background. Jasper's arm was around me and we were both grinning at the camera. I loved it. We looked happy.

Not as we looked now.

Jasper turned back to me. His eyes were much darker than usual, maybe because of the circles under them. His pupils looked normal this morning, thankfully. Heroin highs could last six to ten hours, depending on several factors, and I figured we were outside of that window now. I hoped.

"I'm sorry I yelled," I finally said. It was the best I could come up with to start.

"Don't be. You had a right." He sighed and rubbed one hand along his unshaven jaw.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I tried to keep my tone light, but I could hear how forced it sounded.

He took a couple of steps toward the window and stood looking outside, drinking his coffee.

"I'm sorry, Bella." He said it so softly I almost didn't hear him.

"Don't be sorry, Jasper. Just talk to me. You can talk me."

He turned to me. Regret and defeat lined his face. My chest ached.

"I..."

"What?"

He shook his head.

"How long has this been going on?"

He hesitated but answered. "A couple of weeks."

"Weeks?" I had imagined days. Two or three, maybe. But weeks? A cold feeling started to creep through me.

Something clicked into place.

"Is this why you couldn't make dinner on Tuesday?"

His eyes answered my question.

Another piece.

"Or drinks last week?"

He didn't respond.

I flexed my fingers. They were freezing.

How had I missed this?

I pulled my knees to my chest, trying to warm myself.

"Why?"

His blue eyes stared and he looked like he was in pain. Was he?

"Is it Alice?" I asked quietly. They had only broken up four months ago. He rarely mentioned her in the context of their relationship. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable talking with me about her.

"No," he said quickly.

Frustration started to build when he didn't elaborate. "What _is_ it?" It came out more harshly than I intended and I held up a hand in apology.

"You'll... think it's stupid."

"Jasper. You could tell me you're leaving tomorrow to join the New York City ballet and I wouldn't think it was stupid."

He raised an eyebrow.

I shrugged. "I admire anyone who puts on tights and can dance around without tripping."

I could see Jasper loosen slightly at my half-assed joke.

"Seriously, you know you can talk to me about _anything_. You can trust me."

"I know. It's just that... sometimes..." He pushed back his damp hair and focused on the wall over my head. "Sometimes I just feel _alone_. It doesn't matter how many people I'm around or who I'm with. Sometimes I feel like it's just... me. Just me."

There wasn't anything stupid about that. I knew it was the depression talking, but it didn't stop me from feeling that I hadn't been a good enough friend to him.

"Jasper, you have me."

He looked back to me, his eyes sad. "Bella, you're Edward's ex-girlfriend."

I felt as if he had slapped me.

I hadn't heard anyone call me "Edward's girlfriend" in over a year. Those words – and the implication that I was still being defined by _him_, all of this time later – stung just as strongly now as they had then, when I had felt they were trapping me in a bubble I couldn't escape.

How was my relationship with Edward still holding such sway over me? I felt a little piece of myself fall into the dark cavity of my chest as I stared at Jasper. That _Jasper_ – with whom I had spent months talking about anything and everything, and almost never about Edward – thought of me that way hurt. More than that, it made me angry. I stood from the bed and crossed the room to stand in front of him.

"No, Jasper. I'm Bella." I poked him in the chest. Hard. "Your friend. And I'm sorry that your family hates me, but you're twenty-four and you should be able to choose your friends without anyone's interference."

"No, Bella, I don't care about that. I mean, you're Edward's ex-girlfriend. I could never..."

I waited, arms folded across my chest, fingers digging painfully into my upper arms.

"Fuck, I'm not explaining this right. You and I..." he trailed off again, avoiding my eyes. He _never_ avoided my eyes.

"You and I?"

He ran a hand through his hair and then hung his head. He took a couple of deep breaths and when he looked back up at me, some of the sadness in his eyes had been replaced by something harder. He looked determined. "I don't know how you see me."

My face must have reflected the confusion I felt. He put his coffee cup on my desk and then reached out to grasp the top of my arms lightly. He didn't touch me often and the warmth of his hands on my skin startled me.

"Do you see me as Edward's friend or Alice's ex-boyfriend or Rose's twin?" he asked quietly.

I flashed back to the first night Jasper had shown up at my house. My first reaction had been just that – to define him by my relationships with Edward and Alice. But all of our time together recently had displaced those thoughts, and now I rarely thought about those familial connections when I was with him.

I shook my head. "I don't see you as any of those. You're just you. That shit doesn't matter."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." My words were sure but there was a tight ache in my chest that he still only saw me as Edward's ex-girlfriend, even though I was able to look beyond our respective pasts to see him for who he really was. Just Jasper.

Before I could think more about that ache, before I could ask him why he thought of me that way, his arms were around me and his lips were on mine.

I pushed against his chest and looked up at him when he pulled back. He brought a hand to the side of my face and gently ran his fingers down my jaw, as he had last night. I saw something on his face that I had never seen there before. Not for me.

"Bella," he whispered, his hand cradling my neck. When he bent down to me again, I didn't push him away.

His lips and kisses were soft. His breath tasted like coffee and toothpaste. He smelled like my soap. His arms were long and his hands were big. He tightened his hold and enveloped my body with his.

He was sudden and startling, but unexpectedly welcome, as he had been on my rainy porch, three months ago.

Yet, as my body responded to his, as our tongues found one another, a voice in my mind was reminding me of the things he'd told me. How he'd turned to sex when he'd first been depressed. How being with Maria and then Alice had made him feel better, more alive, more worthwhile. How the endorphins from the sex made him feel good and in control of something, during a time when he'd felt nothing but powerless.

As I wrapped my fingers in his hair, I wondered if I could do this, knowing it might be nothing but an instinctual reaction on his part. Was this only because I was here, now? Was I the handy temporary solution to his chemical imbalance? Did he just need to feel good?

Could it be more?

I slid my fingers up the smooth skin of his back as his hands found my breasts.

He was muscles and heat and safety.

And... he was Jasper. Who ate my ridiculous meals and loved every bite. Who arranged for me to see Phil for nothing in return. Who shared with me his scarred and emotional past, and risked the wrath of his family to spend time with me.

I knew we would talk it out.

Later.

I broke the kiss and pushed against the restraint of his arms. He released me, but before I could allow confusion or disappointment to cross his face, I raked the sweatshirt up and he pulled it over his head.

I lifted the hem of his t-shirt and it followed the sweatshirt to the ground.

I pushed at the waistband of his sweatpants and he eased them down his hips.

I tried not to think about the people represented by the piles of fabric on my floor. Scattered bits of my scattered life. All people from whom I had eventually run.

Jasper pulled at my tank top and I shoved away thoughts of the last hands that had undressed me.

This would be different. If I got involved with him, I wouldn't be able to just leave if the going got tough. The going would always be tough.

I filled my head and hands with Jasper. Just Jasper, who was here with me, right now. _Safe_.

I thought about his strong thighs that gripped his bike and were now nudging me onto my bed.

My back hit the quilt and he hovered over me, running a finger along my collarbone. He stepped back to pull off my shorts and panties and then he was back over me, his knees outside my thighs.

His blue eyes, which flashed when he laughed, were now burning into mine.

I traced the black letters on the tight muscles of his chest with my fingertips and thought that maybe this was okay because you never knew when tomorrow wouldn't come.

His long fingers that deftly strummed his guitar were now traveling down my hips.

The dark lines on his taut arm reminded me that there was no such thing as "no strings attached." Was I prepared to deal with the strings? Had I been dealing with the strings for three months and was only just now aware?

I drew his mouth to me and then his weight was pushing me into the bed.

I thought about his easy smile that I never saw enough for my liking and that I couldn't see now because his lips were on mine and I couldn't let them go.

We were a tangle of naked everything. My breath was coming faster and warm puffs of air against my lips, my neck, my breasts told me his was, too.

I lifted my leg over his hip and we were right there, so close.

"Bella." His voice in my ear was rough and deep. "Do you..." He trailed off in a question left for me to interpret.

I knew what he was doing.

It was in my hands now. One word from me would stop it or push it irrevocably further.

We had to talk about last night. It was unavoidable. Doing this now didn't change that, it only delayed it.

Jasper's lips traveled from my ear to my neck, and he was waiting for me to choose.

The voice in my mind was no more than a whisper. The tiniest suggestion of resistance and self-preservation echoed once, twice and then was gone.

I sent up a silent hope that at least one of us knew what we were doing.

I reached to my right and Jasper pushed himself up on his hands. Keeping my eyes on his, I fumbled in my bedside table drawer. I handed a condom to him and gave my silent affirmative as our fingers brushed together.

He knelt back for a moment and then he was over me again, resting on one arm, his lips on mine, the wrapper fluttering slowly to the ground.

I brought both legs around his waist and we were still, our eyes locked in silent understanding that everyone here was okay with this.

He slid into me fast and smooth and our backs arched. The blood running through my body erupted into fire.

His hips pushed against mine, gently at first, and then more insistently. He locked an arm behind my neck and pressed his forehead to mine. I struggled for breath because this feeling of him filling me extended past our bodies and into the place where I kept my insecurities and fears and doubts locked up tight. With forceful strokes, he was unraveling parts of me I hadn't known were bound and I wondered if the same thing was happening to him.

I released my death grip on the quilt and reached up to hold his face. My palms rasped against the rough stubble on his cheeks. He opened his eyes and I could see it. That this was _more._

More than avoiding, more than convenience, more than fucking.

"How long?" I gasped, his eyes and body constricting my lungs.

He ran a thumb along my breast and down my side. He dug his fingers into my hip before his lips parted. "Forever?"

His answer was a question and it wasn't the truth in any sort of literal sense – but this went beyond literal, past actual. This was that truth that you never believe, that makes you roll your eyes. That you doubt and taunt. But it was real. And we both knew it.

I forced myself onto him harder and faster and he indulged me. I felt him wrap a hand in my hair as his other hand gripped my thigh and pulled me tighter to him. The tingling in my legs started to burn through the rest of my body. He covered my cries with his mouth and returned them in small moans that ran up my spine and lodged in my chest.

He breathed my name into my skin. I felt his body tense and listened with closed eyes to his soft groans as he let go. As he slowed his hips, he moved his hand between our bodies and it only took two caresses of his fingers before I tightened around him. It had been more than a year since a hand other than my own had done this to me and it was intense and powerful and I arched my chest against his as something deep in me was set free.

When we had recovered enough to move, Jasper disposed of the condom and pulled down the quilt. We lifted our hips and slid between the cool sheets, which were welcome against my damp skin. He lay on his back and I didn't hesitate to wrap an arm around his chest and press myself into his side. As we caught our breath, he stroked my hair.

"How long?" I asked again, quietly.

His fingers tugged at a tangle.

"A couple of months, maybe?"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

He gave a rough half-laugh. "What was I supposed to say?"

I reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes.

"'Hey, Bella. Look, I know I just dumped all of this info about my shit life and screwed up head on you, but I was kinda thinking that maybe you're cute and maybe you're easy to talk to and that I'd like to take you out for a nice dinner one of these nights and then throw you on your couch. Wanna share a needle so we can forget that you dated my best friend?'" He paused and rubbed his face with his free hand. "Doesn't seem quite fair to you. All of the issues with my family... Alice... And, like I said, I didn't know how you saw me." He turned his head slightly to look down at me. "I still don't."

"This doesn't give you any indication?" I waved my hand over our bodies.

"Well, I know how _I_ feel, but you've never shown any sign that you feel the same way... believe me," he said with a rare edge to his voice, "I've been looking. Maybe you were just caught up in the moment... Or maybe..." he closed his eyes, "you just feel sorry for me."

"Jesus, Jasper." I sat up quickly, taking the quilt with me. "This wasn't a pity fuck."

He turned surprised eyes to me.

"Do I feel badly that you're... sad? Incredibly. Do I feel terrible that I didn't know? You have no _idea_. But did I just have sex with you because I _'feel sorry' _for you?" I didn't bother to answer my own question. I took a deep breath and clenched my teeth. My nerves were humming.

He sat up and slowly put his hands on my shoulders. He pulled me toward him when I didn't move away.

"Sorry," he murmured, his lips brushing my hair.

"It's fine," I mumbled into his chest. His bare chest. I was suddenly very aware that I was hugging Jasper in the middle of my bed. Naked.

He must have felt me stiffen because he pulled back.

"Jasper." My voice was much calmer now. "I really want to have this conversation with you. I _need_ to have this conversation with you. But I think we should have clothes on for it."

He nodded and leaned forward to press his lips softly to the top of my head. He held me, for just a moment, his hands on either side of my face, before turning to get off the bed. I lay back and stared at the ceiling while he gathered his borrowed clothes from the floor.

"Meet you downstairs?"

"Yeah, two minutes."

I closed my eyes and listened to him walk slowly down the hall.

I blew out a long, slow breath.

_What the fuck just happened?_

* * *

**I'm trying for Chapter 9 on Tuesday with a little surprise on Thursday or Friday...**

**I'll admit I am dying to hear what everyone thinks about this one. And if you want to chat, I know the ladies in the thread would love to see you.**

**The summer round of the Indie TwiFic Awards, a brand new award, has begun. These awards are designed to recognize up-and-coming fics and authors. Links to this and the FitV thread are in my profile.**

**Thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews for chapter 7. Have a fantastic weekend. See you in a few days.**


	9. There Are No Secrets

**Legna's a rock star. wtvoc did Jasper's and Bella's astronumerology stuff for me.**

**All of your amazing words about chapter 8... thank you _so_ much. Some may have even made me a little teary.**

**I pulled my first 12-hour day in Panera, my writing haven, during this one.**

**I own a book of Twilight sheet music, but that's about it. **

* * *

**_In Which There Are No Secrets_**

I lay in bed for a minute after Jasper went downstairs.

I wasn't upset about what had just happened, just confused. How had we gone from casual dinners to my bed? Except... maybe that was how it was supposed to go. Just because my last two relationships had gone from "Hello" to breathy pants before I could finish saying "Swan" didn't mean they all had to be like that.

Right?

I hastily tugged my clothes back on and tried to pull my hair into a somewhat controlled mess. Our activities hadn't helped it at all. I grabbed our coffee mugs and went downstairs.

Jasper was sitting on the couch. He looked up when my foot hit the floor in the hall. He was tugging at one of the legs of his sweatpants. I had forgotten how short they were on him.

"Why do I keep ending up in your clothes?"

"Wait until those are dirty the next time you need something to wear," I called as I walked into the kitchen. "I have some really lovely things I've lifted from Renée that I'm sure you will enjoy," I said a minute later. I handed him a refilled-coffee mug and sat down on my end of the couch.

"Doin' okay?" he asked. He looked like he wanted to reach out to me, but he kept both hands around his coffee cup.

I nodded. "You?"

"I'm fine. Look, what I said up there..."

"Don't worry about it, seriously. But you _know_ that wasn't what it was about, right?"

"I... yeah," he finally said. I could tell he still doubted it, but it didn't make me as angry now. I'd get it across to him.

We sat for a moment, and then Jasper patted the couch next to him. I hesitated only a second before scooting toward him. I was tempted to keep going and climb into his lap, but I stopped just close enough that my knee was brushing his thigh.

"So-"

"So-"

We chuckled and Jasper waved his hand for me to go first.

"Jasper, last night on the phone, what did Rose mean when she said that E-"

Jasper had been putting his coffee on the table and his head whipped up so quickly I was surprised he didn't hurt himself. "You spoke to Rose?"

Things had been such a mess during the last twelve hours that I had completely forgotten that I hadn't told him what had happened.

"I called the house looking for you. Emmett answered, but Rose wanted to, uh... talk to me." I'd thought about it a bit during the night, while I was busy tossing and turning, and I was convinced that Rose knew I was the one on the phone. Probably as soon as Emmett had said, "she."

"What did she say?"

"Um." No way was I going into all of it now. We had enough other things to talk about without throwing in all of Rose's bitchfest comments. But... "One or two interesting things. First, she seemed to know that we've been spending time together. How long has she known?"

A flash of guilt crossed Jasper's face. "Beginning of June or so."

"Six weeks? Why didn't you tell me?" I frowned.

"I..." He was starting to look worried. What the hell sort of lovely things had Rose been spewing? "I just couldn't hurt you. I didn't see any good reason to tell you she knew. You would have asked what she said..."

"Hey," I squeezed his arm. "I don't care what she says about me. And I probably got a pretty good idea on the phone."

"And you're not going to be more specific than that?"

"Well... can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

I could feel my neck start to flush. How embarrassing was this? "You... you know I'm not friends with you because of your money, right?"

His expression was suddenly unreadable but his shoulders stiffened and I wasn't sure he was even still breathing. When he spoke, it was clear he was trying very hard to keep his voice level. "Did my sister say that?"

I nodded slowly.

He muttered something I didn't make out, even this close to him, but I thought I heard something that sounded like "Alice."

"Bella. I can honestly say that has never once crossed my mind. Not. Ever. I know you'd sooner starve to death than ask anyone for anything. Just like I never thought that you were using me to get to Edward."

"Did Rose say that to you, too?"

"Me, _too_?" Jasper pressed his lips together and the look in his eyes scared me a little bit. I hoped that Emmett would be at the Hale house the next time Jasper and Rose crossed paths. I considered sending him an advanced warning text.

"Jasper, I don't want to create any more of a rift between you and your sister."

"And _that_ is part of the reason why I didn't tell you when she figured us out. I was afraid you would be reluctant to see me. You're too nice for your own good, sometimes. And I didn't want to risk it."

"Risk what?"

He nudged me with his elbow. "This. You. Us." He gave me a half-smile.

"Well, I can handle Rose. So, don't worry about that."

"You can?" His tone was both teasing and dubious.

"Yeah... I'm sure you'll hear all about it when you get home. I kind of yelled at her on the phone."

"You did?" He was obviously impressed at the very idea of me standing up to Rose. "What did you say?"

"I believe I told her," and I had to admit that I was taking pleasure in the retelling, "to 'shut the fuck up.'" I closed my eyes and sighed contently at the memory. While that conversation had been tense and nasty, having Jasper here now made the recollection less painful. When I opened my eyes, Jasper was looking at me proudly.

"No shit?"

"No shit. Ask Emmett." He put up his hand and I high-fived him, giggling.

"Okay, so you can handle my bitch of a sister. That's good – you're going to need it." Then he sighed again. "Fuck. I'm sorry you had to talk to Rose."

"I didn't really have a choice, did I?" I said pointedly. "I was totally freaking out. You were over two hours late. You... you got yourself here. You couldn't send me a text message? You had to know I'd be worried. Regardless of what you, uh, were," I stumbled, trying to get my words out, "you were... doing."

Jasper's forehead was creased in concentration. "Hang on a sec." He hopped up from the couch and went upstairs. Thirty seconds later, he came back down holding the clothes he'd been wearing last night. He shook them all out over my armchair, even his boxers, shaking his head. "No phone."

He sat down next to me, running his hand through his hair absently. "Maybe it's in the bike."

"I called and texted half a dozen times. I was scared." I didn't know if he could hear the hint of desperation in my voice, but I could.

He turned to me. "I'm so sorry." Regret was clear on his face; I could tell he felt bad about it. He put a hand on my leg, rubbing it lightly.

"Don't be sorry. Just don't fucking do it again, okay?"

"I won't, I promise. Come here." He reached forward to grip my upper arms, and then hauled me forward into his lap. He held my chin as he looked into my eyes. "I keep my promises."

I nodded and pressed my cheek into his chest. He rubbed my back and didn't say anything. I was thankful for the moment to collect myself. We had so much else to talk about. I wanted to get out one of my school planners out and make a list so we could step through it, item by item. I cursed my Virgo nature and Renée for making me think about that crap. What was Jasper, a Pisces? I'd have to have her do his chart so I could attempt to fucking figure him out.

I took a deep breath. I straightened up and swung around to face Jasper, straddling his thighs. He settled his hands on my hips.

"I don't know where to start."

"We can skip around."

"Okay. Back to Rose... on the phone she said that Edward didn't care that we were friends."

Jasper groaned and dropped his head onto the back of the couch. "God, I hate my sister."

"Don't say that. Does _everyone_ know? Not just Rose and Emmett?"

He looked at me and nodded.

"Since when?"

I felt him tense under me. Had this happened last week, after Tex-Mex Tuesday?

"It sort of came up at the birthday party."

"The birthday party..." I thought for a moment. "A _month_ ago?" I was shocked and disappointed that he hadn't shared this. "Why didn't you tell me about it earlier? What the hell have we been _talking_ about for a month?" I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I felt like all of a sudden I knew nothing about what was going on with Jasper. I moved to climb off his lap but he held onto my hips.

"No, stay," he said quietly. He moved his hands to my lower back and started rubbing softly, and I started to relax a little bit. "Okay. I honestly didn't tell you because they were all a bunch of assholes and I couldn't bring myself to ruin one of our evenings together by bringing it up."

"I feel like I keep saying this, but you could have told me."

"I know, I know. And I swear, the next time I'm ambushed at sea, I will fill you in on all of the details, okay?" He smiled and pressed his fingers more firmly into my back.

"Okay." I tried to smile but it felt like I was scowling.

"Hey." He reached up with both hands and held my face. "No secrets. Okay? If this is going to work, we have to be open."

"No secrets," I repeated.

We were quiet for a minute, just watching each other.

"Even Emmett?" I asked.

"What?"

"You said they were all assholes. Even Emmett?"

"Oh, no." Jasper chuckled. "Not Emmett. He probably could have kept himself out of it but he admitted to the leftovers." Jasper put up his hands and deepened his voice. "_She sends home leftovers for me!_"

His impression of Emmett was spot-on and I had to laugh. I missed Emmett. Maybe this meant he would take me up on my offer to have him join us for dinner.

As my laughter faded, I braced myself for the next question I wanted to ask.

"What about... Edward and Alice? Was it bad?" I thought about the apocalypse that had been my breakup with Edward. I had seen firsthand how nasty Alice could get. I couldn't imagine she would be like that to Jasper, but I was sure she'd had some choice words for me.

Jasper sighed and returned his hands to my back. He moved his hands up a little bit and started kneading the muscles more deeply.

"Well, Alice... I won't get into any details, but let's just say that I felt a little bit like I was back in that hallway, last year."

"Shit, was she really terrible to you?" I could feel my anger growing. I had forgiven Alice for the things she'd said to me... but I didn't like the idea of her abusing Jasper like that.

"She questioned my judgment a bit."

"Heh, I bet she did."

"And she wondered if I had always been interested in you."

I held my breath. Could that be true?

"I told her," he continued, "that it had only started since I've been getting to know you better."

I was instantly relieved. I didn't want to think that I had anything to do with Jasper and Alice breaking up, even if things hadn't been great with them for awhile.

"And about that," he smiled apologetically, "I might have left out some of the finer details. Like, how many times we've seen each other. And how we ran into each other in the first place."

"No need to fan the flames higher than necessary."

"Exactly." He looked relieved.

"And... Edward?" His name came out as little more than a whisper and I cursed myself. Jasper didn't say anything about it.

"He wasn't thrilled. But he didn't come right out and say he didn't want us to hang out."

"Well, it's not like he has any say in that. Does he?" I was suddenly uncertain. Everything Jasper was saying – all of the looks he was giving me – they all suggested that whatever he felt for me was strong and deep. I couldn't forget the look in his eyes when we'd been in bed. It had seared into my mind. But if Edward had told him to stay away, would he have? Apparently, Alice's words hadn't been enough to sway him... although I wondered how much earlier he would have made a move, if those two weren't obstacles in front of us.

"No, he doesn't. No one has anything to say about us but us. But it took me awhile to realize that."

"Well, I'm glad you did."

"Yeah?" he asked, the corner of his mouth turning up.

I nodded. "Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable doing this..." I pushed some of his hair behind one of his ears. "And I've been dying to do that for awhile."

"Oh?" Jasper's grin was wider now.

"Yup."

"Well, me, too." A handful of strands had escaped my attempt to tidy them, and he copied my action, his finger brushing slowly down my ear.

We both chuckled.

"Hey, I have something else to ask," I said after a minute.

"Shoot."

I realized my hands were shaking and stuffed them under my butt so that Jasper wouldn't see.

"If you didn't come over last Tuesday, um, assuming you were _busy_..." I could tell that he already knew what I was thinking. "And you didn't want to go out last Friday... why did you come over last night? Why didn't you just cancel?"

He tilted his head, maybe contemplating how much to tell me.

"No secrets," I whispered, moving one of my hands from under me. I slipped my fingers under the edge of the sweatshirt cuff and wrapped my fingers around his wrist.

He nodded and thought for another minute. "I hadn't planned on... meeting up with Jim, my... friend." I bristled. I knew what he meant by "friend." "And then, honestly, I almost didn't come over. I wasn't going to. But... I was getting really fucking sick of feeling bad about how I felt – _feel_ – about you. I knew I was taking a huge chance coming here messed up. And was putting you in a terrible position..." He reached up and put his free hand on the side of my neck, the tips of his fingers weaving into my hair. "But I couldn't get you out of my head. And I couldn't not see you. So... I just hoped you wouldn't toss me out on my ass."

"I couldn't do that," I said quietly.

"I'm sorry you were scared when I didn't call."

"And I'm sorry..."

"For what? What on earth do _you_ have to be sorry for?" He flipped over the arm I was holding and grasped my wrist like I was holding his. We were locked together like a Chinese finger trap.

"I... I am sorry that you felt..." Fuck, how did I say this without sounding judgmental or making him feel like an ass? "That you felt like doing that," I ended lamely.

I wasn't sure what he'd say and it looked for a moment like he wasn't either. Then he nodded. "Me, too," he said quietly.

Suddenly, a sharp pain in my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten for almost twenty-four hours. I grimaced.

Jasper looked immediately concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Just hungry," I said, rubbing my stomach.

"Can't have that. Want to go out and grab something?"

I had to work later today from 3:00 to 11:00 and I really had no desire to go out now. I shook my head. Jasper looked disappointed.

"But what if I make you something? I was thinking..." I tapped my chin, "huevos rancheros?"

Jasper grinned. "I must say, woman, that you have always known the way to my heart." He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to mine.

It was the first time we'd kissed since we'd been upstairs, and it was the first time Jasper had said something... _romantic_ to me, if you could call it that. A swarm of nervous butterflies swallowed the hunger ache in my stomach.

I leaned into him and the kiss, my chest coming to rest against his. He reached behind me and ran his palms over my ass before pulling me closer to him. I slid up his thighs until I was flush against his hips.

Our kissing became more insistent. I fit my arms between his back and the couch and gripped his shoulders.

"Bella," he said groaned, "I thought we were going to make breakfast."

"We are," I whispered. I tangled one hand in the hair at the nape of his neck. "In a minute."

Several minutes later, I was flat on my back on the couch, and Jasper had just discovered that I was ticklish.

I struggled against the arm that was holding me to the couch while the other one drew circles on my sides. Evil circles that had me convulsing.

"Oh god, Jasper, please stop." I was giggling out of control and gasping for breath. He ran his fingers across my stomach, below the hem of my pushed up tank top.

"I'm not sure see I see the cost benefit of stopping."

"Oh my god, are you trying to seduce me with sexy accountantspeak?" I pushed at the arm across my chest and got nowhere.

"Is it working?" He abruptly released me and removed his hand from my stomach.

I sat up quickly before he could sweep in for Round Two. I grabbed his hands and knelt over him, holding his hands against his thighs. I kissed him lightly and couldn't keep myself from running my tongue gently along his bottom lip. I pulled back slightly so I could look him straight in his blue eyes, which were a little unfocused.

"No."

I snickered and scrambled backward off the couch. I had reached the hallway in a dead sprint when my bare foot caught on the edge of the rug. I stumbled and was inches from smacking my head on the banister at the foot of the stairs when Jasper grabbed me around the waist.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you not to run in the house?" He laughed as he made sure I was steady on my feet and straightened my top.

"I've never followed instructions well," I huffed as I made my way to the kitchen. "Hey, what's this about 'we' making breakfast?"

"I thought I'd help. You're usually done before I get here on Tuesdays. But today I can give you a hand."

"Hmm." I opened the fridge door and started to pull out the things we'd need. "I'm not sure how I feel about someone messing around in my kitchen."

"Even me?" Jasper took the eggs I handed him and set them on the counter.

"Especially you. If you see how little work it really takes to make a meal, it would probably be like when you discovered Santa wasn't real." I squatted down and handed him a pepper from a bottom drawer. "You'd probably bolt so fast I wouldn't even see the door open."

He crouched down next to me, face serious.

"That," he said, reaching out to touch my jaw, "would never happened."

The butterflies took flight again the moment his lips touched mine.

I wove my fingers into the hand that was cupping my chin and squeezed gently. He broke the kiss and pushed some of my messy hair off my forehead.

"Got it?"

"Got it," I said, a little breathlessly. He straightened up and pulled me with him. "You know..." I said hesitantly. I pushed the fridge door closed.

"Hmm?" He was concentrating on working out a knot that had formed in my hair.

"We should probably talk about that."

"About what?"

"About us."

That got his attention. "Probably," he said. The seriousness was still there and he was frowning.

"Hey, nothing bad." I pushed the corner of his mouth up and he grabbed my finger. "We just kind of went about this backward and we should probably get it straightened out so we don't stay backward."

"All right. But tell me first what to do with this." He was waving the bunch of cilantro I'd retrieved from the fridge.

Jasper and I spent twice as long making the meal as I would have if I'd done it myself. But we also had twice as much fun, so I wasn't about to complain. He was surprisingly deft with a chef's knife, and when I showed him the three thin, white scars on my left hand from various knife accidents, he insisted on doing all of the chopping. I put on another pot of coffee even though I suspected some of the anxiety I had been feeling all morning had to do with loading up on caffeine on an empty stomach. I found some strawberries and melon in the fridge, and prepped small fruit salads, too.

It was 1:00 before we sat at the kitchen table with our plates. Jasper waited until I took a bite of my very late breakfast and looked very pleased with himself when I gave him a thumbs up.

"It's all of those perfectly chopped bits of pepper isn't it?"

"And I think you bruised the cilantro perfectly, too."

I watched Jasper while we ate. This was a different Jasper from last night. This was closer to the calm, relaxed Jasper I was accustomed to seeing across my table. I couldn't even quite quantify for myself the relief I felt that he seemed okay today.

"So," I started casually. "This 'us' thing."

He nodded, mid-tortilla.

I pushed my eggs around on my plate. This was by far the most awkward thing we'd talked about today. Maybe we should have done this on the couch. There was nowhere for me to hide my face over here. I should have left my hair down.

"What, uh, are you thinking?"

His eyebrows went up. "What am I thinking?"

I stuffed a forkful of food in my mouth before I could say anything else, and nodded.

"I'm thinking..."

"No secrets," I mumbled around a mouthful of eggs and tortilla.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Whose idea was that?"

I snickered.

He stabbed a strawberry. "I would like to... date you."

I almost choked on my orange juice. Jasper scowled.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" I said between giggles. "It's just..." I felt like an ass but the giggles kept coming. Still trying to catch my breath, I got up from my chair and took the couple of steps to the other side of the table. He was glaring at his plate. I put my foot on the bottom of his chair and shoved it around, and then dropped myself into his lap. I put my arms around his shoulders and kissed his cheek.

"I'm sorry. It was just the way you said it. I would like to date you, too."

He looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Are you sure? You want to date me and my dumb words?"

"Oh, Jasper," I whispered, tucking my head into the Bella's-head-shaped space between his shoulder and neck. "It wasn't dumb. I'm sorry."

I smiled when I felt his lips against my hair.

"But," I said, straightening up to look at him. "I think we should take it slow."

"How slow?"

"Not sloth-like, but maybe no trips to Vegas quite yet?"

"I think I can handle that. But..." He wrapped his hands under and around my tank top straps and drew me forward. His lips brushed mine. "This is okay?"

"Yes." I returned the kiss. "That is definitely okay. I'm not suggesting we don't, uh, _get to know each other_ _better_." I closed my eyes and pretended he couldn't see me. "Just that we don't combine our silverware yet."

When I opened my eyes, he was grinning at me but didn't ask me to elaborate on what I'd said. Thank god.

I kissed him again and returned to my side of the table.

"Since this going to come up sooner rather than later... what about my family? Are you going to be okay seeing them?"

"Are _you?_"

He shrugged. "You know we'll have to see them. I'm going to want to bring you to... whatever. Family crap. Christmas or whatever."

"You want to bring me to Christmas?" I imagined I looked like a Troll doll with my crazy hair and huge eyes.

"Well, that's a long way off... but David and Helen usually have an end-of-summer Labor Day party, and I'd like to bring you to that, if you're interested in going. And whatever other holidays you don't go home to see Charlie or Renée or have other plans... I don't like the idea of you lonely on a holiday." He fell silent, watching me.

Holidays? With his family? Emmett and Rose... that would be okay. Being around Rose would undoubtedly be uncomfortable at first, but tolerable. But when he said "family," I knew he was including _all_ of the Cullens, not just the one dating his sister. Edward and Alice had always said the Cullens and Hales had been practically one unit since the Cullens had moved to Seattle, and I had spent a couple of the smaller holidays with the lot of them when I'd been dating Edward.

"Well," I said, spearing a piece of egg, "I'll just have to be okay with it, won't I? I don't want us to have to hide forever."

He put down his fork and exhaled. "Yeah?"

I reached over and he met my hand halfway. "Yeah."

. . . . . . . .

After we finished eating, Jasper changed back into his street clothes.

"Your stuff is sexy and all, but I'm not sure if the sweatpants go very well with my boots."

"Well, I'll wash them up for next time you need them."

"Maybe," he said tentatively, as we stood in the hall, "I could bring some of my own? Just in case." He looked like a little kid asking for permission to ride his bike out of his own neighborhood for the first time.

"Sure," I agreed. The butterfly launch didn't surprise me this time.

"Speaking of, when will I see you again?" Jasper asked. When I bit my lip and didn't answer right away, he sighed. "You want to wait until Tuesday, don't you?"

If I was being honest with anyone in the room, I wanted him to be here when I got home tonight. But I needed time to process and I couldn't do that objectively with him here.

"Fine, Tuesday." He stepped back. The disappointment on his face was clear. The voice in my head, which I was quickly coming to detest, suddenly spoke up with an unwelcome thought. I wondered if I was about to regret having eaten.

"You know what?" I said quickly. "You should come back tonight."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I should be home by 11:30."

He must have detected the shift in my mood because he was watching me intently. "Why the change of heart?"

"No change." I turned toward the kitchen to blink back tears I hadn't felt forming.

"Bella?" Jasper turned me around, holding my shoulders. "What...? What did I say?"

I just shook my head and brushed at the tears, which I couldn't seem to control.

Understanding dawned. "You are," he cleared his throat, "afraid to leave me alone, aren't you?"

"Are you going to be okay if I don't see you for a few days?" I was suddenly aware of all of the weight of the past day pressing in on me. I took a deep breath, trying to keep the tears from turning into sobs.

"Come here." He took my hand and pulled me a few feet to the front door. He leaned against it, sliding down a bit. He pulled me between his legs, hands on my waist. Standing this way, we were almost the same height.

"I know what you're asking." His eyes were locked on mine. "And I'll be fine. I'm good. I promise." He squeezed my hips. "Like I said, I always keep my promises. Okay?"

I nodded because I had no choice but to trust him. This relationship would be short and painful if I didn't trust him on the first day of it.

"Now, knock it off. If I'm not going to see you for three days, I don't want a sad little face to be the last thing I see." He rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks, catching stray tears, and then pulled me into his body and held me while I got the crying under control.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Shit, we're saying that a lot too, aren't we?"

I nodded against his chest. We stayed like that until Jasper pushed me gently forward so he could see my face. He slid a hand behind my neck, which seemed to be one of his favorite things to do, and pulled me back to him.

"Thank you," he whispered against my lips.

"For what?"

"For accepting me just as I am."

I shrugged. "That's the only way I'd want you."

He pushed off from the door and opened it. I followed him onto the front porch. It hadn't rained in a couple of days and the concrete was dry beneath my bare feet.

Jasper wrapped his arms around me. "Seriously, don't worry about me, okay?" He bent to kiss me after I nodded. His nose brushed mine gently and I leaned my forehead against his cheek for a moment. "Besides," he said, "I have something to look forward to now." He smiled down at me and gave me a last kiss before stepping off the porch.

"Let me know when you find your phone," I called.

I stood on the porch for a few minutes after he left, enjoying the fresh air.

"_I have something to look forward to now."_

His words warmed me. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't stop a cold prickle of uncertainty from washing across me.

I cared for Jasper, more than I had been aware, that much I knew. This day had been... strange... but wonderful.

But I had been Renee's everything, and Charlie's to an extent. I didn't want to think about the other guys I had been with... all unmitigated disasters in the end. What would it be like to be with someone who needed me more than I had ever been needed before?

. . . . . . . .

I made it exactly seventeen minutes before calling Angela.

"Ange, I have to work today, but are you busy tomorrow? Can we get together for lunch?" I knew I sounded a little amped up and Angela noticed immediately.

"_What's going on?"_

I still hadn't decided exactly what I was going to tell her and I didn't want to get into it on the phone. "Nothing. Well... it's better saved for a good sit-down with Reubens or something." I leaned my forehead against my cool front door. "Or maybe margaritas," I muttered.

"_Bella, you can't do that to me. Now I'll spend the next twenty-four hours wondering about it!"_

"Please, Ange? I promise I'll spill as soon as we get there."

"_Just tell me one thing."_

"All right," I answered, regretting it immediately.

"_Does this have anything to do with a certain hot guitar player?"_

I had known exactly what she was going to ask, but I stumbled over my answer anyway. "Uh, well, maybe..."

"_Maybe?"_

"Yes, fine! Okay? Noon, can you meet at noon? Eleven, maybe? Fuck, can I just come over and wake you up with coffee or something? What kind of pastry does Ben want?" All of the day's coffee was definitely getting to me and I had to sit on the stairs and take a deep breath.

Angela was laughing at me. _"Wow, this should be good. Noon is fine. At the diner. If you really think you can't make it until then, call me."_

"No, no, I'm good. See you tomorrow, Ange. Thanks."

I got to the bookstore three minutes late and spent my entire shift in a weird fog.

Everything had just happened so _fast_. Twenty-four hours ago, Jasper was just a friend who was coming over for dinner. To hang out and maybe watch a movie. And now... not only had we slept together, but he was planning to bring clothes to my house and take me home with him for Christmas.

What the hell?

I shelved books under the wrong letters and pointed patrons to the Literature section when they were really looking for Fantasy. I cleared out a whole section of magazines that were for September and didn't realize they were the current ones until I went to the back room to find the new ones to stock. In my head, I must have subconsciously skipped over what was sure to be a Labor Day party of epic horrendousness.

I wasn't sure I was prepared to face Edward with another boyfriend – let alone if that boyfriend was Jasper – and I couldn't imagine that Jasper was any more excited about it. The thought of seeing Alice, with her ex-boyfriend on my arm, filled me with tiny icicles of dread. Luckily, Labor Day was almost two months off. We would both be able to adjust by then, I was sure. Well, pretty sure.

I think I was largely freaking out because things had happened so suddenly. At least with the previous guys I had ended up in bed with, I had known it was going to happen the minute I saw them. It hadn't been that way with Jasper. I'd known him for over two years. Granted, we'd both been preoccupied during most of that time. And while maybe thoughts of him as more than just a casual dinner buddy had crossed my mind once or twice in the past couple of months – I wasn't immune to pretty boys any more than the next girl – I had never contemplated it more than fleetingly.

I had to admit that the depression and drug issues were playing no small part in the litany of concerns that were running steadily through my head. We had somehow not even really talked about it today. It had first occurred to me on the way to work that if Jasper had really been thinking about me _that way_ for two months, I had probably played a significant part in his relapse. The idea made me feel guilty and nauseated. If he had just _talked_ to me when he'd started feeling something more for me, maybe we could have avoided the whole drug relapse issue. Or maybe it would have completely destroyed our friendship and he would have ended up in even worse shape. Was I really vain enough to think that I had that much of an effect on him?

What would happen to him if it didn't work out with us? I still had yet to tell him about my less than stellar dating history. It wasn't that I had gotten around a lot – I had only been with three guys before today – but I definitely wasn't one to stick around once things started to get rocky. I had realized this in the month I'd spent brooding after my breakup with Edward. It was part of the reason I hadn't been involved with anyone since then.

I had pretty much been in steady relationships since the time I was sixteen. Every time I moved – first back to Forks, then back to Phoenix, then to Seattle – I found a new boyfriend. Then I would run away from both him and whatever situation we'd created, without a look back. After Edward, I needed a break. To get myself together. To figure out what the hell I was doing, to myself and the mostly innocent guys I'd dated.

But I didn't feel any more put together now than I did a year ago. What would happen with Jasper? If I followed my pattern, I'd date him until I finished graduate school, and then bail. I absolutely could not do that with him. I knew that. Unless it just didn't work out with us – and I had a feeling that _wouldn't_ be the case – there was no way I could up and leave him and assume he'd just move on in the wake of whatever mess I left. I had gotten to know him well enough over the past few months to know this.

By the time 11:00 arrived and the store closed, my boss had inquired three times if I was feeling okay, and one of my less tactful co-workers had asked me if I was pregnant. When I heated to what felt like the same shade of red as my truck, and asked her what the hell made her ask that, she said her sister had had the same glazed look on her face when she'd found out she was unexpectedly pregnant with her fifth kid. I assured her I was completely without child and scurried to the safety of my truck before I could embarrass myself further.

Journey's tale about a small town girl and city boy had me singing on the way home, but by the time I walked in my front door, I was utterly exhausted. Six minutes later, I was in my bed with the lights out. I hadn't heard from Jasper since he'd left, so I assumed he hadn't found his phone yet. I decided to send him a quick text anyway, telling him I was home and wishing him good night, just in case. I hoped he hadn't spent the whole day drowning in rampant uncertainty. It wouldn't do if we were both complete basket cases. I left my phone next to me on the bed in case it beeped during the night.

The last thing I remembered before I fell into largely dreamless sleep was curling up with the pillow on which Jasper had slept last night. I buried my face in it when I realized it still smelled like him. Maybe I was further gone than I realized.

* * *

******Sometime in the next few days, I will be posting a new fic that will contain extra stuff for FitV. I'll start with the Bella/Edward breakup. You will NOT NEED to read it if you're not interested, but it will be there if you're curious about the specifics, which I know some folks are :)**

**I should be back on a regular posting schedule on Sunday, with Chapter 10, assuming Vermont has internet that day.**

**Thank you for reading :) And Tropic, Utah says hi!**


	10. Bella Could Use a Valium

**Legna's words are scattered so deeply throughout this story that I could never recognize them all. She was integral to this chapter - in particular to Bella's talk with Angela.**

**I own Al the Kickboxer and a Twilight calendar that has been opened to September since I bought it. That's all.**

* * *

**_In Which Bella Could Use a Valium_**

I woke up much calmer than I had been the night before. By the gray haze of a Seattle day, things seemed much more reasonable, much less calamitous. What a difference eight hours could make.

My gym had a Sunday morning kickboxing class, so I jogged in the drizzle to the gym. I spent an hour sparring with Al, a 6'2 family law attorney, who kept me on my toes and let me work out my residual anxiety.

I was just getting out of the shower back at home when my phone beeped. I was surprised to see the little screen lit with "Emmett Cullen."

_**haven't found phone. getting a new one. big plans today? – jwh**_

The newly tranquil me grinned in my steamy bathroom.

**Hi :) Going to meet Angela for lunch now.**

_**girl talk?**_

I chuckled at the implied and inferred discomfort.

**I am sure it's on the agenda. Don't worry, she likes you**_**.**_

_**i hope so. have fun.**_

**You, too. Later, gator.**

Angela was waiting when I got to the diner.

"Well, you look better than you sounded yesterday," she laughed as I slid into the booth. "I kept scanning the news last night, positive we were going to hear some story about the small town Police Chief's daughter who tried cliff diving off the Space Needle without a parachute."

"I'm good, today. Got a lot of sleep and I've got a clear head."

When the waitress came, I ordered decaf.

"No high-test?" Angela was looking at me suspiciously.

"Ugh, I had enough caffeine yesterday to last me the week."

"So, spill already! I won't forget you left me hanging like that." Angela leaned forward.

I wasn't sure how much to tell her. The little, sticky white paper that had been wrapped around my silverware occupied my fingers. We'd start small.

"I slept with Jasper." Saying the words out loud for the first time made it seem suddenly more real and my stomach lurched. Whether from remembering the thrill of his touch or from the anxiety I couldn't quite shake, I wasn't sure.

Angela sat back, looking... triumphant? "I knew it."

I blinked at her a couple of times, temporarily mute. "You knew it? What do you... You're not surprised?"

"Hell, no, I'm not surprised," she scoffed. She pulled out her cell phone and started typing.

"Ange, what are you doing?"

"Ben and I had a little bet. I'm just letting him know he's cooking me dinner tonight."

"What did you bet on?" This couldn't be good.

"I was convinced you were going to tell me you finally hooked up with Jasper, but Ben thought that maybe Jasper had just asked you on a date."

"Uh, yeah, we got a little ahead of ourselves on that one."

"That's one way of putting it." She closed her phone. "And, I think Ben was just being optimistic about your virtue."

"Well, he's about six years too late for that," I muttered.

"That's what I told him."

"Angela!" I gasped. She winked at me and we both burst into laughter.

"Tell me why you weren't surprised," I demanded once we'd calmed down.

"Bella, please. The only thing that surprises me is that it took you..." she made a show of counting on her fingers, "three months to get around to it."

"Huh?"

"I take it you hadn't been catching the looks he gives you?"

"What looks?"

Angela sighed dramatically. "Come _on_, Bella. They were so blatant that even _Ben_ noticed, and he's about as observant as a dehydrated starfish. He even asked me what was going on with you when we left your place, last month. After the little concert."

I was gaping at her.

"And don't even get me started on the way you were looking at him! I was positive you were going to call me the next day to have this lunch. In fact," she mused, "I wasn't even sure we would get out of there before the clothes started flying."

I was speechless again. And kind of tingly.

I had always considered myself to be fairly perceptive about people. Edward had always said that I was much more observant than he gave me credit for. But Jasper was turning out to be an unexpected enigma. Or maybe he was just better at hiding himself from me.

"I really had no idea."

Angela waved her hand. "Well, no matter now, huh? I need a couple of things, here. Details about what happened. And why were you so wound up when you called?"

Before I could start, our lunch arrived and I was momentarily spared dishing the nitty-gritties. But I couldn't put it off forever. I picked some dangling sauerkraut off my sandwich and decided to go with a ten-cent, mostly true version.

I told her that he had come over later than usual and I had been worried about him driving home so late, so I had demanded he stay over. In the morning, I'd brought him coffee, and one thing had led to another, and...

"Damn, that must have been good coffee," she giggled.

"It was pretty good..." I trailed off, remembering the first taste of Jasper's mouth against mine.

"I don't want to gruesome details, because I'm not a boy, but it was, uh, okay?"

I nodded. I couldn't spill anything embarrassing if I kept my mouth shut.

"And it will be happening again?" She was looking a little uncomfortable.

"I think so."

"So, we're talking like a boyfriend-girlfriend thing here?"

"Yeah... we didn't use those words, but we talked about it and agreed we wanted to explore it further."

Angela nodded and took a bite of her sandwich. Was that it? I was relieved but needed to check. "I didn't know how you'd feel about us getting together."

"Bella, I think it's great – you haven't dated anyone for awhile, and he seems like a really good guy. He obviously cares about you, which is what _I_ care about."

I smiled at Angela's words, but the little voice in my head, which had been quiet since yesterday at work, suddenly spoke up. It reminded me that Angela didn't have all of the information... would she still think he was a really good guy if she knew what had happened on Friday? What had been happening for two weeks? Or would she step into the role that I knew Charlie would be playing if he knew I was involved with a guy with a drug habit?

Angela had been wonderful when I had talked to her about Jasper a couple of months ago. She had warned me to be "cautious," but that was it. Would this change her mind?

I looked up at her from the napkin I was shredding and she was watching me, her expression questioning. I knew I had been quiet for too long.

"Ange-" I stopped. Jasper said he trusted anyone I trusted. Angela loved me and would only want what was best, and she was fair and would be open-minded. Conversations with Angela, if anything ever went wrong with Jasper, would be severely hampered if I didn't feel I could talk to her about this part of who he was.

"Angela. When Jasper came over Friday night..." Fuck. I could feel the tears forming again. All of the crying was irritating. I closed my eyes and took a couple of centering breaths, liked I had learned to do in a yoga class I took with Renée a few years ago.

"Bella?"

I opened my eyes and Angela looked as worried as she sounded.

"He was high," I finished.

"What?" Her eyes were already widening.

"When Jasper came over on Friday, he was high. Heroin. He..." I spilled it all. The panic and pacing, the phone call to Jasper's house and the conversations with Emmett and Rose. The relief, the fear and sadness, the long night. I even went into more detail about Saturday morning since she would be able to understand better now. I told her what we had talked about before and during breakfast.

Just like before, she listened to the whole thing without interrupting. But when I was done, the look on her face was much more serious than it had been two months ago, when we sat at this same table and I talked about the boy who was just becoming my friend, not the boy who had just become my lover.

I put down the fork I'd been spinning and focused on Angela.

"Bella. I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked you last time, but I want you to really consider your response this time."

"Yes, Counselor Weber." Angela had really missed her calling when she decided to be a teacher.

"What do you want?"

I stopped to think. Really think. My answer was at least partially the same as before. I wanted – _needed_ – to know Jasper was okay. I wanted to be his friend. But I wanted to be more than that, now.

"I want to spend more time with him. I want to get to know him better. I want to be there for him when he needs me. I want to make sure he's okay."

"Do you think _he_ can be there for _you_?"

"Yes," I didn't hesitate. He had listened to me talk for hours, over the past three months, and he always seemed interested in what I said. Without a word to me, he had setup my visit with Phil. At the time, it had seemed like an unbelievably thoughtful gift from a friend. Now, I thought it had probably been a romantic gesture, too.

He'd already shown that he didn't like to see me cry, which was one of my big, if not strange, criteria in men. I should have known it would never work with Mike when he had failed to comfort me one night after I had gotten into a rare and distressing shouting match with Renée. In front of Mike and Phil, no less. Mike had let me cry all the way back to the dorms, dropped me off with a kiss to the cheek, and gone back to his room. I couldn't see Jasper ever letting me just cry unless it was what I wanted.

I had no doubt that, regardless of his own issues, he would care about me unconditionally. I was startled how effortlessly the thought came to me; I didn't even question it.

"You know that he needs a therapist, right? A real one? You aren't equipped to give him that sort of help. Just because you're his girlfriend doesn't mean that you're responsible for his mental health."

"I know, Angela."

"And you know the relationship might be tough, right? Do you have an answer now, about what you would do if he started using again?"

She had me pinned in the witness box, but it was a fair question. "I would call Emmett or Dr. Cullen."

"Are you going to do that now?"

"No. I have to trust him now or I'll never know if I can trust him later – and he won't know if he can trust me."

She nodded and twisted her straw through the ice cubes in her drink.

"Bella..."

I waited.

"I wish I knew it would be okay."

I knew what she meant. At best, it was a crapshoot. At worst, a freight train, destined to derail and end in fiery wreckage. "Me, too."

"And you know you can always talk to me, right? Even if things aren't okay?"

"That's why I'm here, Ange."

"You'll keep coming back?"

"Yes, I promise."

She sighed and gave me a small smile.

We made small talk as we finished our lunches, talking about Ben and what classes we were thinking about taking in the fall. Conversation came back to Jasper as we were about to leave.

"When are you seeing him next?"

"I told him I wanted to wait until Tuesday."

"Liar," she smirked.

"Totally."

We walked to our cars and made plans for a double date on Friday. Angela brought it up casually as we were paying for our meal, but I could read the motives on her face as if they'd been painted there in henna. I remembered my promise three months ago to never again forsake her for a boy. I planned to keep it.

. . . . . . . .

I talked with Jasper for a few minutes that night. He had gone out with Emmett and picked up a new phone. We talked about dinner on Tuesday. I was slowly reaching the end of the Tex-Mex spectrum and was going to have to get creative if I didn't want to start repeating meals. We agreed on chimichangas, which I had somehow missed, and he said he'd text me tomorrow after I got out of work.

My performance at work on Monday was much improved. I was a little anxious the whole time, although I couldn't pinpoint why. This time, it only served to make me more alert. There were no misguided customer interactions, no knocking over of entire displays, and definitely no need for inquiries about the status of my uterus from fellow employees.

By the time 6:00 rolled around, I had made a decision.

I fumbled my phone out of my tote on my way to my truck, nearly dropping it in a puddle when it caught on the strap of my bag. I quickly scrolled through my contacts and held my breath through two long rings. I couldn't stop myself from smiling when he answered.

"Jasper."

"_Bella?"_

"It's Tuesday in Sweden."

. . . . . . . .

Jasper was on my doorstep ninety minutes later, Thai takeout in hand. He was freshly showered from the gym and, for the first time, I was aware that I always associated a fresh, clean scent with Jasper. I was definitely much further gone than I'd realized.

He dropped a small duffel bag in the hall and answered my raised eyebrow with a markedly casual shrug. "Just in case."

I directed him to the living room where I'd already set out plates and silverware. After grabbing drinks from the fridge, I joined him on the couch. I figured there was no point in being coy, and sat myself in the middle instead of on my normal end.

He grinned at me, his Khao Pad already open in his hands. "Hey," he said, holding his food to the side.

"Hey," I whispered. I ran my hand along his forearm as he touched his lips to mine.

"Sweden, huh?" I felt his mouth twist up in a smirk and I poked him in the leg.

We ignored the silverware and plates and stabbed at each other's plastic containers with cheap chopsticks. After we ate, we snuggled into the couch, me under Jasper's arm. The physical contact felt natural, even though it was still so new.

A couple of times I thought about talking to him about going back to his therapist, but the atmosphere was so peaceful – a big change from Friday and Saturday – that I couldn't do it. I promised myself I would bring up sooner rather than later. I didn't want to start our relationship with festering issues.

We spent the rest of the evening laughing at bad summer television and looking for Phil's name in ESPN box scores. At one point, Jasper asked for the name of my gym because he wasn't happy with his and wanted something different. I told him I'd bring him with me later in the week to get him signed up.

"You can come to kickboxing and I'll kick your ass," I only half joked.

Just before 11:00, Jasper detangled our arms and stood.

"Are you going?" I stood up quickly next to him. Why had he brought his bag in?

"I wasn't sure what you wanted?" He sounded atypically hesitant.

"Since you're here..." I shrugged, trying to make it nonchalant, and – I was positive – failing miserably.

"Well, all right," he said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling my back against his chest. "If you insist." I tipped my head to the side when he ran his fingers over my neck, moving my hair out of the way. His lips were cool against my skin and I felt goose bumps rise across my whole body.

"Cold?"

"No." I shivered before I could control it. He chuckled into my shoulder.

He gently pushed me toward the hall. "Shall we?"

I secured the floor and picked up his bag, tugging him up the stairs after me.

We entered my room and I put his bag on the bed. As I went to my dresser to pull out pajamas, I was unsure what to wear. Shorts and a t-shirt? Should I try to find something remotely sexy? I hesitated, staring into the open drawer before me, trapped between boring cotton and itchy lace. The pesky butterflies were back and were fucking with my decision-making.

A large hand suddenly reached into the drawer and tugged out an old black Pearl Jam t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants. I turned and Jasper pushed them into my chest.

"If you're debating whether or not to put on something frilly, don't. Just... be you."

I took the clothes and changed in the bathroom after brushing my teeth.

I walked back to my room slowly, nervous. Emotions and need had governed Saturday morning's hookup. It had been fast and impulsive. It had been wonderful, but it hadn't been deliberate. I was already aching for it, for Jasper – his simple touches on the couch had stirred up feelings I hadn't experienced in a long time – but would it be awkward now that were both fully cognizant?

I poked my head into my bedroom and he was sitting on the edge of the bed with clothes in his hand. He stood and kissed the top of my head. "Be right back."

I left the light next to his side of the bed on and slipped under the covers on mine. I was always particular about on which side of the bed I slept, and the "his" and "mine" were coming easily to me.

Clad in sweatpants and a t-shirt, Jasper was back in the room a few minutes later. We looked like we were dressed for summer camp, not our first real night sharing a bed. I was lying on my back with my shaking hands behind my head. The photo on my mirror had caught my attention and I was thinking that maybe I should get another copy printed and put it in a frame. Jasper joined me in the bed and snapped off the light.

He slipped his arm under my back and pulled me into his side. I curled into him willingly and fit my head into the crook of his shoulder.

"Why are you twitchy?" Jasper asked after a minute.

"Too much soda?"

"You drank water all night, babe."

"Um." I couldn't even think of anything lame to say.

"Hey." He rolled onto his side, displacing me, and looked into my eyes in the very dim light. "No need for nerves here, okay? We'll just sleep. We'll have plenty of time to 'get to know each other better' later. When you're not freaked out."

"I'm not freaked out!"

"Okay, okay." He smiled, rubbing my shoulder, and kissed my forehead. I scooched closer to him. Our chests were touching and with a small tilt of my head, I was resting my forehead against his neck.

Jasper was running his hand along my back, soothing me. In my semi-sleep haze, I tipped my face to him for a good night kiss.

"Good night, Bella," he whispered, kissing me softly.

"Night, Jasper." Instead of leaning back into the pillow, I ran my hand up his chest, tugging at his t-shirt as our kiss became less gentle. I pressed myself against him as he slid a hand into my hair, keeping my head angled back.

"What happened to 'good night'?" he murmured.

"I thought of a way to calm my nerves."

He slipped a hand under the bottom of my t-shirt and ran it along my stomach. I arched into his hand and wrapped my leg around his to pull him closer. I lifted up slightly and we worked together to untangle my shirt from my arms.

Jasper's hands skimmed my skin and I reveled in the feel of his muscles flexing under my palms.

He pulled me on top of him and slowly explored my mouth, my body, with his tongue and hands. I took my time enjoying the taste and feel of him. He was made of hard angles and soft skin and I fit against him like a Lego snapping into place.

Jasper reached for the condom this time and tomorrow I'd talk with him about whether or not we could eliminate the need for them.

He sat up and leaned back on his hands while I gripped his shoulders to keep myself steady. Easing myself down and onto him, I leaned against his chest, enjoying the heat of his skin, the feel of his deep breaths against me. I moved my hands to his neck, thumbs on his jaw, and braced the top of my feet against the sheets.

The second time was more powerful than the first.

Given the opportunity to think about it, to really comprehend what we were doing, while our feelings were much clearer than before, it only heightened the intensity rather than diminished it.

As I moved on top of him, and he raised his hips to meet me, I felt like I was burning, turning inside out. If it were like this every time, I'd be nothing but embers by the end of the first month.

We didn't break eye contact until both of us were so hopelessly lost we could barely breathe, let alone focus on something, anything.

He drew me tightly to his chest as I cried his name, my eyes damp with the strength of it. In a long sigh, his lungs released "Bella" as his body shared my pleasure. We held each other while our breathing evened out.

"Nerves better?"

I hummed affirmation and snuggled my back against his chest as we lay back down.

"Thank you," he said.

"For what?" I turned my head but couldn't see his face.

"For letting me into your life like this. I know that you might still not be sure, that this might be too much..."

I reached back and ran my hand up his neck, slipping my fingers into his hair. "I'm sure," I murmured.

"Me, too," he whispered.

His lips against my neck were the last thing I registered as I drifted off, his "thank you" reverberating in my mind, my heart. Cowboys strummed "Misty" in my sleep.

* * *

**Erroll Garner wrote "Misty."**

**I posted a new fic a few days ago, "Embers: Spicy Sides from Fire in the Vein," which contains the E/B breakup outtake. Up next for Embers: Jasper's thoughts, post-birthday party, possibly later this week.**

**I finally head home tomorrow/Monday, and then I can start catching up. Chapter 11 will be up on Wednesday.**


	11. Emmett Comes Out to Play

**Legna keeps me sane. She deserves an award for it, too. New Bellie category, maybe? Best Beta? Beta Who Puts Up With the Most Ridiculousness?**

**hmonster4 will love this one. If I owned any of them, which I do not, I would give her Emmett.**

* * *

**_In Which Emmett Comes Out to Play_**

I was standing over a wok filled with sautéing peppers and onions. It was way more food than two people could hope to finish, but I didn't think it would be a problem because tonight we had a third.

Emmett was coming over for dinner.

Fajitas were on the menu for the evening; it was the first time we'd repeated any of our Tex-Mex Tuesday meals. Jasper said it was his favorite of all the dishes I had made, and we figured Emmett would appreciate it.

I was excited to see Emmett. He and I had never been particularly close, but I had known him better than I had known Jasper. Emmett had always been the more willing to just chill and watch TV with me or play video games if I was killing time waiting for Edward.

Emmett wasn't a bullshitter. If he had something to say, he'd tell you. And he might be crude as hell and fucking scary looking, but he was a genuinely nice guy with wicked wit. He was deceptively smart, something people often didn't know because they were so focused on his outward appearance. Of all of the Hales and Cullens, I thought I might identify best with Emmett. Our senses of humor were similar and he laughed at my bad jokes as quickly as I laughed at his.

Rose had been included in the dinner invitation, but Emmett had said she was getting drinks with the guys from her "office." After majoring in Physics in college, Rose declared she didn't want to go into research or teaching, and decided to follow her true passion. Two weeks after commencement, she had enrolled in auto mechanic school. She had graduated at the top of the program a year later, and had been working at a local auto body shop since then. She was now one of her shop's senior technicians, even though she'd only been there for a bit more than a year.

I envied Rose's ability to put herself out there like that, in what was almost an exclusively male industry, and kick ass. If I had been Emmett, there was no way I would have been comfortable letting her hang out with the other mechanics on her own, but if any chick could protect herself – and probably drink all of them under the table – it was Rose.

While I was sure that Rose had turned down the invitation less than politely, I was choosing not to take it personally.

It had been a calm two weeks on the J. Hale-B. Swan front since Jasper and I had officially gotten together. We were seeing each other more frequently than twice a week, now. Jasper was staying over most nights that he visited, but we still had our share of alone nights, too. We had gone out with Angela and Ben a couple of weekends ago, and were planning to see them this coming weekend, as well.

I had been on a constant watch for any signs that Jasper was depressed or worse, but everything about him seemed copacetic to me. The sometimes-reasonable voice in my head kept reminding me that maybe I just didn't know what to look for, since I had very obviously missed it last month. I hoped to remedy that tonight.

Now that Jasper had joined my gym, I was going more regularly and would join him on the nights that I didn't work. He had started coming to Sunday morning kickboxing with me and I wasn't surprised that he was picking it up quickly.

The sound of the doorbell, followed by a succession of loud raps, startled me out of my cooking trance. I gave the veggies another stir and made sure not to drop the spoon this time as I set it on the counter.

Frick and Frack were standing on my front porch, arguing about something. I swung the storm door open and tried to get out of their way before they could crush me in a stampede of twenty-something hotness.

"Babe." Jasper leaned down to kiss me as he walked past. "That way, fucker." He pushed Emmett toward the kitchen.

I followed them in just as Emmett deposited a case of Tecate on the counter.

"Bella, I swear to shit I was going to bring _good _beer, but this ass insisted on this canned crap." He jerked his thumb at Jasper.

I gasped, only semi-theatrically, and Jasper and I shared a look.

"Emmett, Tecate helps weave Tex-Mex magic. You'll see. There's nothing quite like it." I pushed past him to get back to the stove. "Now, both of you sit the hell down. This kitchen is not big enough for me and you two oafs."

Jasper and Emmett shoved each other trying to get to the table and narrowly missed knocking the platter of steak to the ground. I sighed and started handing things to Jasper for him to arrange on the table.

I pulled a few cans of Tecate out of the fridge - I had a steady supply of it these days - and put some of Emmett's contribution in to chill.

I took my seat between them and handed Emmett the tortillas so he could start.

"B," Emmett said through a mouthful of meat and veggies, "the leftovers have never been anything but amazing, but I gotta say there's something to be said for getting it fresh."

Jasper squeezed my knee under the table and I grinned at Emmett. "Well, you'll have to keep coming back, then. Maybe Rose can come with you next time."

Emmett froze mid-nod and looked at me over his raised beer can. "Seriously?"

"Of course. It would be nice to see her." I tried to keep my tone light and thought I did a passable job. Jasper apparently disagreed. He made a noise that sounded like a half snort, half cough. When I narrowed my eyes at him, he just blinked innocently.

"Uh, I'll ask her," Emmett said. "But, you're not going to be upset if she's 'busy,' are you?"

I shrugged. "No. It's a standing invite. If she ever wants to join you, bring her." I was optimistic that with the Jasper-Emmett buffer, Rose and I could get along for a couple of hours. We were going to have to do it eventually.

The boys did most of the talking through dinner. It was fun seeing Jasper screw around with Emmett. It was clear that their bond was deeper than just friendship; Rose and Emmett's inevitable marriage would only be a legal technical stamp on their brotherhood.

Emmett was currently interning at an architecture firm downtown and cheerfully shared a couple of raunchy stories about his coworkers. He had finished his Masters a couple of months ago and had surprised everyone when he decided to go for his Doctorate. He joked that Rose was going to be his grease-monkey sugar-mama. He was entering into UW's Urban Design and Planning PhD program next month.

It didn't take long for Emmett and Jasper to decimate the food. I stood and started clearing the table but Jasper wrapped his arms around me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides.

"You guys go sit and chill, I'll clean up this..." he nodded at the table. "You never get to see each other."

I raised an eyebrow but Jasper kissed my neck and pushed me away. He swatted at me with a dishtowel when I attempted again to help.

It had been raining, of course, so my front porch was damp. I unlocked the door to my postage stamp-sized backyard and led Emmett outside. I had a small stack of plastic lawn chairs that I kept covered and Emmett helped uncover and arrange them. We situated them facing the thin copse of trees that ran behind my house and the ones next to mine.

The air was surprisingly dry and we sat for a few minutes, enjoying the silence.

"Emmett, can I ask you something?" I looked behind us to make sure the kitchen window was closed.

"Of course, B."

"When Jasper is depressed, what's it like?"

"Why, do you think he is now?" Emmett instantly turned alert eyes to me.

"No! No. I just... want to know what to look for," I shrugged. "For all I know, this could be the way he is when he's depressed and I just don't have any way to know."

"I would say," Emmett said, relaxing slightly, "that he is fine right now. It's been awhile since I've seen him this... happy or loose, I guess. And that's saying something for Mr. Laidback." He lowered his voice a little bit. "They never talked about it much, but we could all tell that things with Alice and him weren't good, for a long time. It was painful to watch. I was actually glad when they ended it, even if it's been fucking weird for everyone."

I ached a little bit at what Jasper must have gone through with her while apparently not speaking to anyone about it. "So, what do I look for?"

Emmett thought while he crushed his empty beer can. "The times it's really gotten to him before... he's just not wanted to do a fucking thing. He'd lock himself up in his room and not come out, or he'd just stare at the television. For hours. He would sleep a lot. I think those are the things it would be easy to see." He turned in his chair to face me. "You sure you don't have a reason for asking this, Bella?"

"Positive. I just... want to be able to help him if he needs it. Or know when to get him the help he needs."

"He's, well... he's Jasper. He might as well be blood. It's good to see him like this." Emmett waved his hand around vaguely. "But, B," he said, his face still serious. "You have to promise me something."

"Sure, Em."

"If you think Jasper's not okay, if you even _suspect_ he's depressed or using, and he won't call Carlisle... promise me that you'll call me."

"Okay, no problem." That backed up the plan I already had.

"Promise it, Bella."

"I promise." I had never seen Emmett this intense about anything. It felt good to know for sure that Jasper had someone on his side other than just me.

"I don't care if it's three in the fucking morning, you call me."

"I will."

"And since you started this, and pretty boy seems to be taking his sweet fucking time playing Donna Reed, if he's using, particularly H, he'll be hyper and erratic, probably. Forgetful. Sex will be... a challenge." He held up his hands before I could say anything. "This is the kind of shit of dinnertime conversations when your dad's a doctor. And some of it I've seen before with him." He frowned.

I nodded, extremely grateful for the information. "Em..."

"Something else?"

"When he was using..." I hated to ask this question, but the cop's daughter in me knew it was the responsible thing to do. I took a deep breath and studied my short fingernails. "Was he ever violent?" He certainly hadn't been two weeks ago... but he was so much bigger than I was. If he ever got aggressive, I'd be in big fucking trouble, kickboxing or not.

"Hey." Emmett bumped my knee with his. I looked up and he was very solemn. "What happened?"

Looking into his green eyes, I almost told him the whole story about the night Jasper had been late. But Jasper really did seem okay, so I didn't feel it was my information to share. I hadn't seen any of the behavior that Emmett had mentioned.

"Nothing. I just..."

"Want to know what you're getting into?" Emmett finished.

"Yeah, I guess." I blew out a long breath.

"I don't know if I can really help. He and Alice got together in high school, right after Jasper got out of rehab. When you're that young, things are a lot different, and your relationship doesn't grow the same way as it would if you were older. What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?"

I realized I'd been grinning at Emmett's philosophical rhetoric. Who knew? "Sorry, just never saw you as Dr. Phil."

He rolled his eyes but continued. "I know I'd take a bullet for the guy and that he'll treat you right. Aside from general stupid guy shit, I've never seen him be violent, ever. I'd like to think the medication he's on eliminates the need to worry about the other shit, but I guess there's no way to fucking know for sure." He paused and watched me, maybe waiting for another question. When I didn't continue, he did. "If you ever need to talk, B, about anything..." He held up his cell phone.

"Thanks, Emmett." I smiled at him and he ruffled my hair. "I-" I didn't get a chance to finish. I jumped slightly and we both turned around at the sound of the door behind us closing. Jasper walked out, beer in hand, and sat in the empty seat we'd put on my other side.

"What're you two talking about? Looked pretty serious." He said it lightly but his eyes didn't leave mine as he sipped his beer. I was learning that he was intuitive as hell, particularly when it came to me. I was giving him a pass on missing the signs Angela said I had been throwing well before two weeks ago; maybe he hadn't known I was interested in him because I hadn't known it myself.

"B was just talking about school and what she wants to be when she grows up," Emmett said smoothly. "Tiny tykes are serious business."

I was a little surprised, but went with it. I averted my eyes to Emmett, hoping Jasper would choose this moment to be less attentive than usual; guilt poked at me that I was talking about him behind his back, even if I thought it was important to have the information from Emmett.

If he thought our behavior was strange, he didn't call us on it.

Jasper called us assholes when Emmett and I complained that we only had five weeks until our summers were over. The bookstore had scheduled me through the end of the month, and they had said I could come back during any of my breaks, or work just weeknights during the school year, if I wanted.

The conversation turned back to Rose and I decided to take a leap, hoping that I wasn't about to ruin our pleasant evening. I wondered if Emmett would be more forthcoming than Jasper had been.

"So... how's everyone else been... since the party?" It had been over six weeks since the birthday party, even though I had only found out about it recently. I hadn't asked Jasper for any more details since we had initially talked about it. If he was getting heat at home, he wasn't telling me.

"You mean my brother and sister?" Emmett asked, getting right to the point.

I nodded.

"Alice hasn't brought it up in awhile and it's not something I try talking to her about."

"Was she really pissed?" I looked between the boys as they shared a glance I couldn't read.

"She didn't really say anything surprising – she was just Alice," Emmett said. "And little bro... I think he's just been trying to figure shit out. Figure out if there was something he should have seen or could have done last year. "

"Wait, does he think- I mean, you told him there was nothing, right?" I looked at Jasper in alarm. He had mentioned Alice had asked him about his own feelings, but I hadn't thought about it going the other way.

Jasper shrugged. "I haven't really talked to him about it."

"Hey," Emmett said, "I only have so much information to go on but I told him I was pretty sure you two weren't fucking behind everyone's backs."

"Emmett!" I half-shrieked. Jasper started rubbing my leg while I turned what I imagined was an extremely attractive shade of hothouse tomato.

"Sorry, B. You know how he is when he gets something in his head. I had to stop that I'm-so-tortured shit immediately or he would have gone crazy. I didn't want to have to try to stop him ag-"

"What?" I whipped my head up to look at Emmett. Jasper groaned. "Stop him from what, Emmett?"

Emmett looked guilty for a fraction of a second before resuming a matter-of-fact expression. "Last year, he took the whole thing with you pretty hard. A couple of times he had one foot in the Volvo, determined to come over here and talk to you about it. I didn't think that was a good idea. Fuck, where the hell's the beer?" He got up and disappeared into the house.

I looked at Jasper. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You never seemed to really want to talk about it. And I wasn't going to bring it up and risk upsetting you for no reason." He wrapped an arm around my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. I gripped the front of his long-sleeved t-shirt tightly. We broke off when we heard Emmett open the door.

Emmett handed us each a beer as he sat down and then held up his can. "To fucked up families and fucking amazing fajitas."

We clinked cans. Fireflies flew dizzy patterns along the grass as we drank in silence.

"Sorry you've gotten caught up in this, Emmett." I sighed and leaned forward, chin in hand.

"Hey, knock it off." Jasper slipped his hand under my hair and started massaging my neck. Over the past couple of weeks, I had gotten more used to his near-constant touches, but I couldn't stop myself from shivering as his fingers ran along my skin.

I tilted my head up to look at Emmett. "I can't imagine that they'd like it if they knew you were here."

"Oh, they know." He tipped back in his chair and bounced a crushed can in one hand.

"Really?"

"What the fuck does it matter? I'm not leaving my boy in the lurch just because he didn't follow 'the rules' or whatever the fuck. Shit's not always perfect. I'm more worried about what Rosie's going to do to me than what the Wonder Twins might plot. I figured if Rosie knew, it was only a matter of time before she told Alice anyway, so I told them." He looked at Jasper. "Sorry, J."

"Nah, it's better like that," Jasper said.

"And not to drag this shit out, but I think Edward might be okay with this." He pointed two fingers at Jasper and me.

"Really?" I looked at Emmett hopefully.

"Yeah," he shrugged, "he told me to have a nice time tonight."

I smiled at Jasper. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad with his family.

"As much as I want to keep talking about this," Jasper said, looking at Emmett, "Helen said you guys are out of town next weekend, when she wants to do that brunch?"

Jasper's tone sounded... wrong... like he was trying to be casual but was failing miserably. I was immediately suspicious.

"Yeah, Rosie's garage is hosting a booth at a convention in Portland and they want her on-site. We'll be out of town all weekend. You guys going?" He looked at me and then back to Jasper.

Jasper turned to me. "If Bella agrees."

"Brunch?" I was picturing Helen Hale and twenty Garden Club ladies with their well-dressed but downtrodden husbands. I wasn't sure if I was terrified or okay with the idea since I would likely just be able to blend into the background. I would probably have to wear a skirt.

"Yeah, Mom is always complaining that we're never at the house enough. She wanted to do brunch with Rose and Em, me and... you."

I wasn't sure what to be horrified about first. That we'd be alone with his parents or... "Me? She knows about me?" It came out shriller than I had intended and I wondered if I'd woken the neighbor's dog.

Emmett snickered and batted away the empty can Jasper chucked at him.

"She called me yesterday to tell me that our aunt and uncle are going to be in town for the Labor Day party, and I told her I would be bringing someone with me," Jasper said. "I hope."

I nodded. We had already sort of talked about it and I'd implicitly agreed.

"She mentioned she'd already had the idea about brunch and wants to do it next Sunday morning. And since Em and Rose are busy, it would be just the four of us."

"Um." I'd met Mom and Dad Hale before. When I'd been dating Edward. I looked at Jasper, panicked. "Does she remember me? She's going to think I'm the slutty bitch who stomped on Edward and is just jumping from one Cullen/Hale bed to another. Particularly if Rose has ever said anything about me!"

I covered my eyes with my hands. I could see it now. Disapproving glares. Awkward silences. Forks I couldn't identify. What a fucking nightmare.

"Bella." Jasper pried my fingers gently from my face. He was crouched in front of me and wove his fingers through mine. "Babe, she doesn't think that."

I laughed and could tell I sounded a little hysterical. What the fuck was wrong with me? I'd known this had to happen eventually.

"I can picture it now. 'Hey, Helen. Yes, I did date Edward and apparently broke his heart. Yes, I'm fucking your only son now, and yes, your daughter hates me, as does her best friend. Alice. You remember her? Want to hear how I broke my wrist? You have a very lovely home. Is that damask or brocade?' Oh god." I closed my eyes and tried to remember where I'd put my passport. I realized too late I might have gone too far mentioning Alice and squeezed my eyes more tightly shut.

I heard coughing and opened my eyes to see Emmett red and apparently trying not to swallow his tongue.

"B, I'm so sorry, I'm not laughing _at_ you," he choked out. "But, seriously, you have nothing to worry about. Helen's even nicer than Esme. And I think she secretly knows what a bitch Rose is and takes what she says with a grain of salt. Helen's chill." He took a deep breath and grinned at me.

I looked down at Jasper and was surprised to see he was trying not to laugh, too. I dropped his hands. Leaning back in my chair, I slipped off a flip-flop, put my foot in the middle of his chest, and shoved hard. He dropped onto his ass, surprise lighting his face.

I then made the strategic mistake of looking over at Emmett, who had turned a brilliant shade of magenta. He caught my eye and totally lost it, his roaring laugh shaking loose birds from the trees in the yard.

I giggled at Emmett and then couldn't catch my breath because I was laughing as hard he was. I was suddenly on my back on the damp ground, Jasper hovering over me, a wicked smirk on his face.

"Something funny, babe?"

I clapped my hands over my mouth in an attempt to quiet my cackles.

I thought I caught "damask" amid Emmett's howls.

Jasper bent his head and pressed his lips to my neck. I started to calm down. He kissed his way up my neck to my ear. "Better now?" he asked. I nodded as I sucked in another huge breath of air and enjoyed the feel of his lips on me, even if I was lying in the middle of my backyard.

"If you leave out the bit about fucking me, I think you're good to go. Helen's going to love you," he snickered in my ear. He got to his feet and pulled me up with him.

Emmett was wiping tears from his eyes but was otherwise looking much calmer. "Fuck, I'm so sorry we're going out of town. Maybe Rosie can get out of it."

We sat for a bit longer before Emmett stood and said he had to get going. I packaged up the small bit of remaining food for him and walked with both of them out to the Jeep. They had arrived at the same time but driven separately so that Jasper could stay.

When we got to the Jeep, he pulled me into a hug. "Thanks for having me over, little sis."

He was turning to get in the Jeep when I remembered something. "Hey, Em?" I waited until he was looking at me and then said softly, "Jasper told me that last year you followed me to the hospital. Thanks for that." I smiled up at him.

He shrugged and ruffled my hair again. "That's what family's for. Catch you two kids later."

Jasper and I walked back to the front door slowly, hands joined. He stopped to lean against the porch railing and I nestled against his chest, head tipped back to look up at him.

"Well," he said after a long moment, "that was interesting."

I giggled, a little giddy knowing that not only did Emmett have Jasper's back, but he had _ours, _too. Our first champion in what would likely be a tough battle.

I stood up on my toes and Jasper dipped his head to meet me halfway.

He pulled back abruptly, a serious look on his face. "What the fuck is 'damask'?"

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**Oh, Emmett. You make me want to write an entire story about you.**

**Indie and Bellie nominations are due today. Links to both sites are in my profile.**

**See you Sunday! (Or maybe beforehand, for an Embers update.)**


	12. The Damask Is Lovely

**Legna wears a brightly colored "S" under her lawyerly garb.**

**David and Helen Hale are mine. Everything else? SM's.**

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**_In Which the Damask Is Lovely_**

"Jasper, please?"

"We don't have time."

"Sure we do. There's plenty of time before we have to go."

"Bella..."

"Jasper, you know it relaxes me. I need it today. Please?" I slipped my hands under the hem of his untucked blue button-down and lightly rubbed his chest. I would like to say I was above using my limited feminine wiles against him, but when I really wanted something, that just wasn't the case. Plus, he was being a stubborn ass.

"It might relax _you_, but do you remember the last time? You seem to be forgetting that it took me all afternoon to recover."

"Well, this will give you practice being more patient." I slipped my hands around to his back, rubbing his warm skin as I went. It amazed me that although we had only been together a month, I already felt this comfortable with him. There was a lot to be said for being friends first.

He sighed and brushed back his still-drying hair with both hands. "You know I like to be able to take my time so you can get as much out of it as possible."

"We'll do something simple, it'll be great. You always do a fantastic job. Please, babe?" My strategy was now three-fold. In addition to the light physical assault, it didn't hurt to stroke his ego a bit. Bringing out his nickname for me was a little low... I knew he loved when I called him that. But it was effective.

"Fine. I'll be right there." He glared down at me. "But you're only getting thirty minutes."

I slipped off my low kitten-heel sandals and jogged down the stairs to the living room. I pushed the coffee table a little bit out of the way and sat on the floor in front of the couch. We had tried it on the couch, the first time, but Jasper was just too big and it had been awkward and uncomfortable.

I smoothed my skirt over my lap; I didn't want to look a wrinkled mess after I'd put in the effort to look nice. After a moment of thought, I raised the ruffled edge of the skirt just a bit above my knee. Jasper said he loved my legs, and it was a shameless ploy to stay on his good side, but all's fair in love and war.

I took a couple of deep breaths. He was taking forever and I was getting more and more anxious about today. This wasn't helping.

When he finally walked into the room, he was scowling slightly and it took considerable effort not to giggle; giggling now would only piss him off and this would end up short and not sweet.

"Scoot." He tapped my shoulder and I leaned forward while he lowered himself to the ground behind me. Once he was situated, he wrapped his arm around my waist and drew me back to his chest so I was nestled firmly in the V made by his legs.

"Babe, are you sure you want to do this now?" He pressed his lips to my neck and I shivered. "You know it's going to hurt your fingers." He started rubbing my thigh, just below the slightly raised skirt hem. _Gotcha._

A second kiss, closer to my shoulder, and I almost changed my mind. Bastard wasn't playing fair. "They'll be fine. Let's just get started already."

He groaned and muttered "fine." He squeezed my thigh once more before bringing both arms around me and placing his guitar in my lap. "Do you remember the chords from last time?"

I braced Sally against my thigh. We had done this a couple of times before and I was getting comfortable with holding her properly. Jasper was really an excellent instructor, even though my lack of significant musical talent made me a challenging pupil.

I wrapped my hand around the neck and stretched my fingers to fit the chords. Sally was admittedly a bit too big for my hands, but we were making it work the best we could. Jasper had started by teaching me the basics of chords and frets, and we were currently working on the Stones' simple tune "Play With Fire." I only had to deal with four chords, which was about three more than I could handle, but I was getting there.

I loved the feel of Jasper curled around me as he guided my hands over the strings. He moved our fingers from Eminor to G.

"It's like Twister for your fingers!" I complained as my pinky refused to cooperate.

"Well, you can play finger Twister with me any time." He left my fingers to fend for themselves and teased the ticklish area behind my knee.

"Get it all out of your system now, Jasper Whitlock Hale, because if you so much as _think_ about me inappropriately while we're with your parents, you can return to whatever excuse you had for dinner on Tuesdays before I came along." I glared at him over my shoulder.

"Okay," he chuckled. "You have that D, yet?"

I found D and then managed C all on my own. Jasper gave me a kiss when I beamed at him in triumph.

By the time we had to leave for the Hales', I was able to get through the first verse of the song. I was stumbling all the way, and Jasper said I wasn't quite ready for him to sing along with me, but I was proud of myself.

"See, don't you feel better, too?" I linked my arm with his as we walked to my truck. The velociraptors that had booted the butterflies from my stomach were resting; I expected them to wake at any moment but was enjoying the temporary reprieve.

I eased the truck out of the driveway as Jasper gave directions to his parents' home. He had brought his bike but I had made it very clear that I was not showing up at his parents' home on the back of a motorcycle, with my skirt hiked up around my waist and my hair irreparable. He had offered to drive my truck, but I needed the distraction of concentrating on the road, not our destination.

"You need a new stereo," he grumbled. "I can't believe Edward never replaced this old thing." He poked at the factory-installed receiver that served my basic music needs.

"We were always in the Volvo – he couldn't handle the truck's awesomeness. And it's not old, it's classic."

"Classic is shiny chrome and hard lines. Old is twirling a dial to find a station that may or may not come in clearly. I could have Rose try to find something that will fit in here without defacing the dash."

"Yeah, I'm sure she'd really have a great time doing that. For me." It would be nice to have a stereo that allowed me to play my iPod but asking Rose for a favor was not on my "Things To Do in 2009" list.

He shrugged and didn't say anything else as he twisted the tuning knob, searching for KZOK.

I wasn't wrong about the raptors; the closer we drew to the Hales', the more active they became. By the time we'd pulled into the small parking lot they labeled "driveway," I could feel their talons scratching along my insides, threatening pre-brunch evisceration. I shut off the truck and peered up at the looming house. It wasn't as large as the Cullens', which was one neighborhood over, but it was close.

"You are the most nervous person I've ever met," Jasper said. He slid across the bench seat to me and gently pried my fingers from where they were locked around the steering wheel. He rubbed my hands and I could feel them shaking slightly in his grip.

"I am not!" Usually I was quite calm. Aside from... well, any time I was around him.

"You're right, you're not. But you deserve an Oscar for _acting_ like the most nervous person I've ever met."

I smacked his shoulder and slid out of the truck. I tried to keep my skirt from riding up and exposing my ass, but a slight breeze against the back of my legs suggested I had failed. I hoped that David and Helen were not watching from one of the half-dozen windows overlooking the driveway. Jasper surprised me by sliding out behind me instead of using his door. He just shrugged and took my hand, fitting all of it in his.

"Hey," he looked down at me, "they are going to love you, I promise. Forget about everything that came before four months ago – we're starting fresh. Okay?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice to stay steady. I refused to prove how anxious I was.

He squeezed my hand. "Are you going to freak if I kiss you here? I'll make it quick. A power kiss."

I responded by tugging on his collar with my free hand.

He wrapped one hand around the side of my neck and cupped my chin with the other. His lips were swiftly against mine, warm and comforting. As I started to run my fingers along his neck, he pulled away.

"Unless you want more than a power kiss, we should go inside now," he smirked before kissing the top of my head. He turned toward the house, pulling gently on my hand.

The foyer was impressive. A winding staircase, like the one in Hitchcock's _Notorious_, ran to the second floor and I wondered if there was also a wine cellar. Tall, lush bouquets of flowers I couldn't identify rested on tables that lined both sides of the hall. I was pretty sure that the rug at my feet had cost more than my two years of undergraduate tuition at the University of Washington.

"Mom?" Jasper called as we walked through the foyer. I heard the clack of heels on hardwood and Helen Hale appeared from a hallway, smiling broadly at Jasper.

"Honey!"

I quickly dropped his hand as she pulled him into a hug. She was wearing jeans with a light blue blouse that was almost the same shade as Jasper's shirt. I breathed a sigh of relief; my skirt wasn't very fancy and I'd been worried I would be underdressed.

"Mom, you remember Bella Swan?" Jasper's hand was on my shoulder as soon as soon as his mother released him.

"Yes, of course. Bella, it is nice to see you again." I noticed that her smile was not as bright as it had been for her son, but at least she wasn't grimacing... yet.

"You, too, Helen. You have a very lovely home." As I shook her hand, I caught the edge of Jasper's mouth twitch. An echo from our backyard conversation with Emmett flitted through my mind... _Hey, Helen... I'm fucking your only son... You have a very lovely home..._ and I almost groaned.

"We'll eat first, and then you can show Bella around, dear."

We followed Helen to the breakfast nook, which was just a nook in the same sense that their driveway was just a driveway. A table, spread before floor-to-ceiling windows and overlooking the gardens in the backyard, was already covered with food. The table had been decorated in dark reds, bright pinks, and blues the shade of the Hales' signature eye color. Tiny roses floated in a bowl of water in the center.

I stepped closer to the table and noted the anticipated mystery silverware; I hoped I wouldn't need the fork with two tines. What was that about? As I looked around, my brain suddenly registered the red napkin under the forks. _No fucking way._ I reached out and rubbed the woven pattern of the napkin's material with my fingertip.

"What is it?" Jasper asked, hulking over my shoulder.

"This, babe, is damask." I smirked up at him and then had to turn away before the look on his face sent me into convulsions.

Jasper's father appeared while we were helping Helen move the last few things to the table. He shook my hand and handed me a cup of coffee, which I gratefully accepted. I noted with amusement the cowboy boots poking out from beneath his faded jeans. Like father, like son.

Helen directed me to the seat facing the gardens and the Hales fell in around me. The table was big – Rose and Emmett could have comfortably joined us – but not so big that Jasper couldn't reach out and rub my arm. He did just that before he passed me a bowl of fresh-cut fruit. Helen sat directly across from me and I was only slightly self-conscious that she'd be watching me eat for the whole meal.

After we had passed around the various platters and bowls, Jasper spent a few minutes filling his parents in on what he'd been up to lately, which was mostly spending time with me.

"So, Bella," David turned to me, "how did you meet Jasper?"

I shot Jasper a quick glance. Helen remembered me from before – didn't David?

"We met at school a few years ago, after I transferred here from Arizona State." I left out the interesting information that the first time I'd officially met Jasper, he was half-naked on the sofa in the living room of the house Edward shared with his siblings, tangled up with Alice. They had been rather preoccupied and hadn't heard Edward and I walk in early from classes.

I frowned as I recalled that afternoon – I hadn't thought about it since it had happened. I was definitely seeing it from a different angle, now, and it was a little less funny.

David spent the next twenty minutes peppering me with questions as I made my way through a Belgian waffle, fruit salad, and three cups of coffee. There was a tense current running between Jasper and me and it surged every time David spoke. We waited for a question I couldn't side step or truthfully answer without bringing up the topics we wished to avoid. We had talked about it yesterday and decided that we wouldn't lie about anything from the past – but we wouldn't rush to discuss it over muffins, either.

I answered questions about my job, school, my plans for the future, my parents. It was difficult to picture Helen and Renée having a conversation. Renée had gone through a gardening phase at one point; maybe they would be able to talk about that.

Eventually the conversation moved on from Bella Interrogation, Counselor Weber-style, to such innocuous topics as the Mariners chances at a pennant. I might not have liked baseball, but that didn't stop Charlie from talking about it during our rare phone calls. Jasper's dad – apparently as argumentative as his daughter – was convinced the 55 - 54 Mariners stood a chance against the Red Sox for the league title.

"There's no fucking way!" I laughed. "Even if Haren were healthy, the rest of the division would have to take up knitting fulltime before that happened."

It took a couple of seconds for my eardrums to register what I'd said. My face instantly felt as red as the napkin in my lap. _Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, pass directly to Fatally Mortified._

There was complete silence. I refused to look at Jasper for fear he would either be disapproving, or – much more likely and definitely worse – trying not to laugh. Thank god fucking Emmett wasn't here.

Clearing my throat to distribute the little saliva that remained, I looked up at the understated chandelier hanging above the table. "Let's just say that spending my formative quasi-rebellious teenage years with a cop prepared me better for an interrogation room than a cotillion."

No one spoke but somewhere to my left there was a small whimper. I resisted the urge to test the serrated end of my grapefruit spoon. I finally lowered my eyes to Helen, my mouth open and ready to continue with the apology. She was smiling. At me.

"Bella, you seem to forget that my daughter spends her days wearing coveralls with her name embroidered on them, and my future son-in-law is, for lack of a better word, colorful. Like a Harley Davidson circus clown. Conversations around here are usually," she paused to sip coffee from a delicate china mug, "not well suited for a less mature audience. Jasper certainly isn't any better."

"Hey!" the whimperer protested, apparently now in control of himself. I ignored him. The Mariners might not get their miracle this year, but it seemed I had just received mine.

"I'm really sorry, Helen."

She waved her hand. "Croissant?" She handed me a woven basket.

. . . . . . . .

We finished brunch leisurely, the atmosphere much more comfortable after my major etiquette SNAFU. Helen shooed us out of the kitchen when we offered to help with the clean-up. David whispered to me to escape before she could change her mind.

"Take a look around?" Jasper extended a hand and guided me around the first floor. He pulled back the edge of a rug to show where Emmett had had an unfortunate incident with pruning shears, and pointed out the loveseat on which Rose had decked a guy who had tried to kiss her without her permission in ninth grade.

David called Jasper into the kitchen to ask him a question and I wandered the front hall while I waited. I paused at the bottom of the staircase when I noticed a collection of photographs. Holding tightly to the railing because I didn't feel comfortable taking off my shoes – and brunch had gone too well for the day to end with a trip to the ER – I started slowly up the stairs.

Hanging on the wall above the railing was the standard progression of school portraits. The first ones were of tiny Jaspers and Rosalies. I was amazed at how much they had looked alike when they were just little people. Rose's brassy blonde hair was much shorter then – almost the same length as his had been – and on both, their hair fell in perfect curls. Clear blue eyes gleamed in every photo.

I followed their growth and smiled when I saw Jasper's face thin out, his chin become stronger and more familiar, his hair go from bleach blond to sandy. Rose grew into her own angles, her stunning femininity manifested in perfect cheekbones and a shapely mouth.

I looked ahead as I walked up the stairs and saw the series of frames coming to an end. I stopped at the last three.

There were two photos of Jasper bookending a single one of Rose. The twins were more dressed up than they had been in the others; Jasper was wearing a jacket and tie, Rose a dress with a neckline deeper than I had ever felt comfortable wearing. I assumed these were their senior shots, which would explain why there were two of Jasper.

My breath caught in my throat as I looked at the first of his two photos. I stepped to move closer, to get a better look. I had one foot planted firmly beneath me, but the other caught against the riser of the stair above, and I lost my balance. I threw out my arm to catch the banister, but, as I did, strong hands were at my waist and had righted me before my pulse could trip with the near miss. I hadn't even heard him walk up behind me.

Jasper's chuckles cut off when he saw my face.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

I looked back at the photo. It was all wrong. His eyes were sunken and empty, his face too thin, his skin ashen, his hair limp and dull. Fatigue and desolation seeped out of every pixel of the print. No teenager should ever look like that. It was such a contrast to the photo on the left of Rose's – the one from his second senior year. In that one, he looked just like a younger version of the man standing beside me.

"How did they not know?" I reached out to touch the glass protecting the terrible image. I wanted to take it down and throw it over the banister. I ran my thumb along photograph-Jasper's jaw. "It's so obvious."

"I don't know."

I wrapped my arms around his waist to help keep us both steady on the narrow step. He rubbed my back gently before tightening his arms around me and resting his chin atop my head. Oh, to have grown up in Seattle and known a bitch named Maria.

Jasper loosened his arms when I twisted to stare at the offensive photograph. With a swift movement not ruined by the tremor in my hand, I ran my nails along the wall and slipped my fingertips under the edge of the frame. I looked up at Jasper and he was just watching me, expressionless. I grabbed the thick wooden edge and lifted it, slipping it off the small gold nail the frame's sudden absence revealed.

Holding the frame in one hand and taking Jasper's hand in the other, I walked up the remaining stairs to the second floor. I scanned both ends of the hall before turning right.

I walked into the small bathroom, Jasper trailing behind me. At the end of the counter, I stopped and turned to face him. The frame dangled from my outstretched fingers for just a moment. I kept my eyes on Jasper's as it fell and clanged loudly in the metal trashcan below. I was disappointed there was no sound of breaking glass.

"Your arm is enough."

. . . . . . . .

We meandered through the rest of the house in relative silence. Jasper showed me his old bedroom and I only teased him a little bit about the Christina Aguilera poster that was still on the wall. I poked my head into Rose's bedroom and wasn't surprised to see all flat surfaces covered with small diecast models, car manuals, and random car parts.

As we were getting ready to leave, David asked Jasper for some help in the garage. This time, Helen stayed with me.

"I hope you enjoyed your time here, Bella."

"It was great. Thanks again for inviting me."

"You are very welcome. Jasper said you will be at the Labor Day party in a few weeks?"

I nodded and forced a smile. The thought of the party still riled the raptors like the scent of fresh blood. There would be too many people to face, too many opportunities for disaster.

"Good, I'm glad." She paused for a moment. "Bella, if I may be candid?"

"Yes, of course." My stomach plummeted. Helen's expression was unreadable but I was sure this was where she told me that I was ruining her son's life and that I should kindly take my $15 sandals and make like the wind before I singlehandedly destroyed all of his friendships.

I was surprised when she smiled at me reassuringly instead. "I know you were very nervous when you got here today." She put a hand on my arm as she spoke. "And I'm glad to see that you've relaxed somewhat. I am sure you were afraid we were going to be difficult about your previous relationship with Edward Cullen, and Jasper's relationship with Alice."

I nodded; I couldn't have spoken if I'd tried.

"My son is a smart young man. The situation must be difficult enough for you two without us adding any unnecessary stress, so you won't encounter any problems from us. I wish I could say as much for Rosalie, but I know she'll come around in time. I think she feels more protective of her brother than she cares to admit."

She pulled me into a gentle hug that I returned as best I could.

"Our home is your home. We don't get to see Jasper nearly enough, so please don't be a stranger."

"Thank you, Helen." I hoped she could sense my appreciation as she had my discomfort.

I wasn't quite sure how today had worked out – how I had somehow been granted not one, but two miracles – but I wasn't about to look a gift Helen in the mouth. The raptors relaxed.

. . . . . . . .

I let Jasper drive home. I curled into his side in the middle of the bench seat, my seatbelt awkward around my hips. It definitely wasn't a Charlie-approved riding position.

"You want another go with Sally when we get home?"

"Yeah?"

Jasper grinned down at me. "Today went so well, I think I can suffer another hour or two of steel string abuse."

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the rest of the ride: the rumble of the truck, the rise and fall of Jasper's chest under my cheek, his warm hand on my arm. It was peaceful and calm. Like this, it was easy to forget the storms still on the horizon.

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**Thanks huge millions to everyone who's read, reviewed, and publicized. I continue to be overwhelmed by it all.**

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**See you Wednesday for some more fun :)**


	13. Bella Goes Ten Rounds

**Legna helps make Emmett and me funny.**

**Everything belongs to SM except for the Hales you don't recognize.**

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**_In Which Bella Goes Ten Rounds_**

"Babe, you don't look so good."

My stomach had been in knots since I awoke and it had nothing to do with classes starting the next day. Today was the party. _The Party._ We were due at the Hales' at 2:00 p.m. I had been right on the edge of throwing up since I rolled out of bed, but had been keeping that to myself.

I scowled at Jasper in the mirror as I attempted to do something with my hair. I wasn't sure why I was bothering – the ride over was just going to mess it up anyway. "Thanks, _babe_."

He wrapped his arm around me, pulling my back to his chest. "Hey, you're as gorgeous as always, but you're also about three times as pale."

I yanked at my hair some more. "Just nervous." Yet again.

"We don't have to go, you know."

I looked at his reflection. He looked serious. "We certainly do have to go, Jasper."

"Nope, I'll just call Helen, tell her I'm not feeling well, and we'll hang here today. We could go down to the beach. Whatever you'd like."

The idea was tempting. "We'd just be putting off the inevitable."

He shrugged. "We'll try again next time. Thanksgiving... 2011."

I snorted. "Ugh, let's just get it over with." I gave up on my hair and dropped my brush next to the sink. I turned to face him and leaned back against the counter.

"Seriously, you going to be okay?" He put his hands on my shoulders and started kneading away the tension that had gathered there.

"Yeah, how bad can it be, right?"

"Famous last words. Let's go." He pulled me into a quick hug and then shoved me gently out of the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, he handed me the helmet, jacket, and gloves he'd bought me for an early birthday present. The helmet was red with white flowers stenciled around the edges. The jacket – black – had armor plates down the back and was constructed with at least three abrasion-resistant materials. I was going to take Jasper's word for that and hope we didn't have to test it. Jasper said when I wore the jacket and helmet I looked like a sexy Yakuza _onee-san_. I was pretty sure I just looked like a stick with a big red head.

I tucked my hair under my collar while he got himself situated on the bike. Once he was on, I swung myself behind him. I immediately slid my arms around his waist and pressed myself as close to him as I could manage. He squeezed my thighs before pulling out of my driveway.

I clung tightly to Jasper the whole ride over. I was more comfortable on the bike now and sometimes rode just holding lightly to his waist. But today, I just wanted to crawl inside his jacket and stay there. Aside from two dinners with Emmett and the brunch with his parents, we had yet to spend time with any of his family. I had been vacillating about today for weeks. Sometimes I thought it would be fine, maybe even nice to see everyone. Other days, like today, I just wanted to take Jasper and move to Canada.

Before I was mentally prepared, he was pulling into his parents' driveway. I quickly scanned the cars that were already gathered and was relieved to see Emmett's Jeep. I had spoken with Emmett on the phone last week and he had promised that Rose was going to be on her best behavior. I wanted to tell him that wasn't saying much, when it came to Rose, but I needed him on our side today. If Rose could stay quiet, maybe we'd have a chance of getting out of here without any lasting scars.

My anxiety-induced raptors had a picnic as I tried to ignore the silver Volvo next to the Jeep.

Helen must have done something to put herself forever in debt to the Seattle weather gods, because it was a perfect late summer day. There was a light breeze blowing and only a handful of clouds scattered across the blue sky. I pulled off my helmet and closed my eyes to enjoy the fresh air while Jasper dismounted.

"It really will be okay," Jasper said, pulling me into his side. "I promise."

I nodded stiffly and hoped like hell he that was right.

"We'll say 'hey,' assess the situation, scope the perimeter, plan an exit strategy, and then just bail if it's bad."

"Yes, sir!" I said and saluted. Jasper's pseudo-militaryspeak was funnier than his sexy-accountantspeak, although I loved both.

"Better yet, we'll have a safe word. If it becomes too much, just say 'Mexico' and we're out."

"Mexico?"

He shrugged. "Reminds me of your cooking."

He picked up my free hand and we were starting up the flower-lined walkway to the front door when there was a loud voice behind us.

Loud wasn't right. "Booming" was more appropriate. As was "Emmett's thunderous voice after a couple of beers."

We turned around and Emmett was walking up to us, grinning hugely.

"Little sis! J! I thought I heard the bike." Emmett reached us in three more steps. He shook Jasper's hand and then bent down to pick me up in a hug. It annoyed and amused me that Emmett continued to call me "little sis," his nickname for me when I'd been dating Edward. I guess he didn't see a difference.

"Hey, Emmett," I managed to choke out, my feet swinging a foot above the ground.

After setting me down, he offered us each one of the three beers he was holding in one huge hand. I took it and drained half of it immediately.

Emmett chuckled. "Thirsty?"

"Try nervous as fuck." I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and took a deep breath.

"Yeah, you actually don't look so good."

Jasper groaned and I hit Emmett's leg with my helmet. "What is it with you guys telling me that today? It does nothing for a girl's self-esteem!"

That's all I needed – to be the ugly duckling walking into a hell filled with beautiful people.

I couldn't juggle the helmet, beer, and still hold Jasper's hand, so I evaluated my priorities and handed my helmet to Emmett. "Hold this. And no more comments from the peanut gallery."

He turned the helmet over in his hands. "I don't know if it's my color."

"Ready?" Jasper rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand.

"Yeah."

Emmett led us around the side of the house. A gate surrounded the backyard and Emmett held a wooden door open for us. I balked and Jasper ran into the back of me, practically knocking me over.

"Jesus, this is going to be a fun afternoon," Emmett snickered.

"Shut up, Emmett," I snapped. I twisted my neck and looked up at Jasper who was watching me with mild concern.

He bent and brushed his lips against my ear. "I'm here, Bella."

"I know," I murmured.

I could hear voices floating to us from the backyard although I couldn't distinguish any of them. I took another look at Emmett who was smirking at us. I tipped back my beer and finished it off. "Fuck it, let's go."

"That's my girl." Emmett patted my shoulder as I passed him.

I walked through the gate and pretended that all eyes weren't immediately on us. I was grateful when I saw Helen walking toward us because I could focus on her. Jasper squeezed my hand and we walked slowly across the lawn.

"Another, B?" Emmett held out his hand for my empty bottle.

I traded him the bottle for my helmet. "Please."

He nodded at Jasper and then took off toward the rest of the group.

"Jasper, Bella!" Helen hugged me, which was a little awkward because I refused to let go of Jasper's hand. She gave me a huge smile before turning to her son. She straightened the front of his jacket and brushed some hair off his forehead. I giggled when he rolled his eyes. "I'm so glad you're here. Jasper, why don't you put your helmets in the mudroom? Bella, I'll introduce you to Jasper's aunt and uncle. They're here for the week from Texas."

I threw Jasper a panicked look. I hadn't expected we would be separated so soon.

He squeezed my fingers. "I will be right back. Okay? Want me to take your jacket?" I slipped it off quickly, and he bent to kiss me before taking it. "Don't overwhelm her, Mom." He kissed her cheek and strode off toward the patio with our helmets. I tried to smooth the wrinkles out of my hooded sweater.

"Let's go, dear." Helen put an arm around my shoulders as we made our way casually toward the patio. She pointed out some of her favorite flowers as we walked. "And Jasper helped me with this one, years ago. I can't believe it's still alive." She sounded very relaxed for someone throwing a good-sized shindig. I tried to ignore the feeling in my gut that we might ruin her party.

As we approached David, who was speaking with a couple I didn't recognize, I caught a glimpse of Rose's blonde hair. She and Emmett were standing by what looked like a temporary bar. I didn't see Edward or Alice anywhere, and was starting to breathe a little more easily. Edward's car in the driveway suggested he was here somewhere, but maybe Alice was busy and wasn't going to be able to make it.

Helen introduced me to Uncle Will and Aunt Mary as "Jasper's girlfriend," and I almost lost it in a fit of nervous giggles. Emmett came over and handed me a fresh beer. Aunt Mary was just telling me that they were excited to see the aquarium tomorrow when I heard Jasper's voice coming from inside the house.

I leaned back to look around Helen to see if I could see where he was when I heard an unmistakable laugh mixing with his.

Edward.

I looked up at Emmett, who was still standing next to me. He patted me supportively on the back. Behind him, I could see Rose making her way over. Regardless of what Emmett had said about Edward being okay with Jasper and me, there was no way to make this situation comfortable.

I was trying to focus on what Uncle Will was saying when an arm slid around my waist.

"You okay?" Jasper asked in my ear.

I nodded.

"Hey, Bella."

Edward stepped from behind Jasper and I faced him for the first time in fifteen months.

"Hey, Edward."

He looked... the same. His hair was a little bit longer than it had been, and he was maybe a little more tan. There were several seconds of awkward silence and then we tentatively moved toward each other.

"Good to see you," he said, as we embraced loosely.

"You, too."

We released each other and stepped back, like boxers returning to our corners. I felt Jasper's hand on my back immediately and wondered if he was going to make sure my gloves were laced properly.

"How's med school?" I asked.

"Challenging. Grad school?"

"Good. I'm really enjoying it."

We fell silent again. Jasper was lightly running his fingers along the skin underneath the waistband of my jeans. I shivered and he chuckled quietly. I slapped at his hand behind me and he grabbed mine, tangling our fingers. I steeled myself against the uncomfortable chill that ran through me at our small display of affection in front of Edward.

Emmett swooped in and broke the quiet. "Time to grill?"

"I thought we would wait for your parents and sister, dear," Helen said. "Esme just called to say they are on their way."

So much for Alice not showing up.

"Rosalie," Helen continued, "can you start to take everyone's order so we know what to prepare?"

"Yes, Mother," Rose said. She sounded snarky, probably pissed about Helen asking her to perform a menial waitressing task. "Bella..." She stepped in front of me. "What would you like?"

Her voice was sweeter now, but I knew better. Just below the surface of the saccharine, I could hear the sour, ready to leak out like stomach acid and dissolve everything in its path. My fingers tightened around Jasper's.

"What are my options, Rose?" I returned just as sweetly.

Her nostrils flared and I heard Emmett mutter, "I love the smell of napalm on Labor Day."

"I think we have chicken, shrimp, salmon, and burgers. If none of those are appealing, maybe I can check the kitchen to see if we have any chicken fingers and tater tots."

"No, that's fine. I wouldn't want to eat them all before you have a chance to have some. I'll take the salmon." I hated to feel such animosity for someone who had the same gorgeous blue eyes as Jasper, but it couldn't be helped.

She opened her mouth but snapped it closed after shooting a poisonous glare at Emmett. She turned on her heel without taking anyone else's order, and stalked off to another small group of guests.

"The judges say Round One goes to Swan," Jasper whispered in my ear. Apparently, he was thinking in boxing metaphors, too.

We excused ourselves from Uncle Will and Aunt Mary and Jasper introduced me to some of the other guests. We spent a couple of minutes chatting with their next-door neighbor Mr. Varner, who was a Math teacher in the public school system. Just as Mr. Varner and Jasper were starting to get into a discussion about financial ratios, I heard more familiar voices behind us.

I turned to see Esme and Carlisle walking onto the patio. I wanted to go up and hug both of them, but I hung back with Jasper and Mr. Varner. The way I was standing, I was partially obscured from their view. I had no idea how they would react to seeing me.

I looked around but didn't see Alice anywhere. Rose was also missing; maybe they were inside together. As I was casting another nervous glance around the garden – what was I expecting? Alice to jump out of a hydrangea? – Emmett called that the first round of grilling was done. He caught my eye and waved us over. "Salmon, B! And tater tots!"

"Goofy fuck probably did find tater tots somewhere. Mom used to keep them around for him," Jasper said.

I giggled and followed his lead across the yard.

I was holding a plate while Emmett attempted some fancy spatula work when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I glanced back to find Esme, a small smile on her face.

"Hello, Bella."

"Hi, Esme."

I handed my plate to Jasper and let Esme pull me into a hug. We chatted for a moment about her charity work before she turned her attention to Jasper.

I was reaching out to take my plate from Jasper when something toward the house caught my eye. Goose bumps broke out along my skin. A head of spiky black hair had stopped near Edward. I stared, wondering when the head would turn around and see me. I was tempted to step back behind Jasper. Or maybe do a duck and roll and head for the perimeter. I wondered what sort of exit strategy my pseudo-military man had devised. I considered shrieking "Mexico" to see what would happen.

Just as I laid my hand on Jasper's arm to get his attention, the black spikes bobbed away from Edward and turned. As if in slow motion, I watched as gray eyes swept the yard and met mine.

Alice halted, unblinking. I saw her eyes flick to my right, toward Jasper. Everything returned to normal speed as she turned her head and leaned into Edward. He bent to put his ear near her mouth and I could only imagine what she was saying.

Esme's voice drew brought me out of it.

"Pardon me, Esme?"

"I was just asking if we would see you again soon?"

"I hope so."

"That would be wonderful." She took the plate of shrimp Emmett was offering her and turned back toward the house.

As Esme walked away from us, Alice spun around and started in our direction. Pretending that nothing was happening, Jasper held my plate out to me. "Picnic table?" He pointed to a group of pretty, wrought iron tables that could hardly be classified as "picnic" tables. I took my plate from him but stared at it, suddenly sure the smell of the fish was going to make me lose the breakfast I had eaten six hours ago.

Jasper must have seen my uneasiness, or maybe felt it rolling off me in waves, because he quickly took my plate from me before I dropped it.

"Babe?"

Had he really not seen her?

I looked up at him, pleading with my eyes, and ever so slightly tilted my head toward Alice's approaching figure. His eyes widened when he looked in her direction.

"Oh."

"_Oh?"_ I mocked. His forehead creased and I was immediately sorry. He had done absolutely nothing to deserve being the focus of my irritation. "Sorry," I muttered. I wiped my suddenly sweaty hands on my jeans.

Before I could move or ask him what the hell he was doing, Jasper bent and pressed his lips to mine. I felt him shuffle our plates, and then his free hand was on the back of my head, holding me to him. He broke the kiss but only pulled back enough so that he could look at me.

"They're going to have to get used to it." His eyes were steady on mine.

I smiled up at him and ignored my shaking hands. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Alice had stopped to talk to Esme in the middle of the yard.

Jasper nudged me in the direction of the tables. We had just taken a seat with some of the neighbors when Helen called to Jasper.

"Honey, can you come help Emmett get the extra chairs from the attic?"

He leaned over and kissed me. "A good son's job is never done."

I was making my way through the salmon when there was a sudden, delicate voice in my ear.

"Can I talk to you?"

I tensed and immediately scanned the area for Jasper. He still hadn't returned. I didn't see Edward, Emmett, or Rose either. I turned to Alice. "Waiting to get me alone?"

She shrugged and then started walking away, beckoning me to accompany her. I excused myself and followed her across the yard. We rounded the far side of the house, and I was surprised to see there were beautiful, extensive gardens hidden there, out of sight of the backyard.

Alice led me to a little alcove that was formed by the juncture of what I thought were the living and dining rooms. We were completely out of view of the other guests and we would remain hidden unless someone went wandering.

She walked into the alcove and wheeled around to face me. We were just a few feet apart and I could hear that she was breathing as heavily as I was.

I took a deep breath and started it. "If you have something new to say, say it. Otherwise, I'll rely on my memory to remind me what you think of me."

"I don't want to make a scene."

"Good, neither do I."

"But I'm not Emmett and I hope you don't expect me to condone this."

I gaped at her. Suddenly, all apprehension I had been feeling was dwarfed by anger at her presumptuousness.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I needed your permission for anything."

"I'm just looking out for Jasper's well-being."

"How much can you possibly care about him if you let him go?" My voice was rising and I fought to get myself under control. We didn't need another incident like we'd had last year. Particularly with no referee.

She narrowed her eyes and I could tell she was struggling just as hard as I was to maintain some semblance of calm. "Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean I don't care about him."

"Well, that's fucking rich." It was all I could do not to laugh.

"What is?"

"You gave me shit for breaking up with Edward because 'it didn't work out,' but it's okay for you?"

"That's a different fucking situation, and you know it."

"Bullshit it is, Alice! You weren't working out, we weren't working out. The circumstances of the relationships may have been different, but the result was the same. You didn't 'condone' that either, so I don't know why I should be surprised about this."

I could feel my phone vibrating in the pocket of my hoodie but I ignored it.

I continued. "I indulged your opinions about your brother because he's just that – your brother – and that relationship was already over before you interfered. But you no longer have any official claim on Jasper. If it bothers you so much to have me around, I will gladly keep my distance."

Alice's phone must have gone off, too, because she pulled it out and glanced at the display. She scowled but didn't answer.

She took a step closer and her voice held a vaguely threatening edge. I refused to budge. "And what, make Jasper choose between you and his family? Emmett, too? You seem to have sucked him in to your little web. Is that what you're trying to do? Break up the family?"

"Regardless of what twisted ideas you have in your head, I have never, ever wanted to break up your family. I know how important all of you are to each other and I would never want to get in the way of that."

"Tell me exactly why you're dating Jasper, then. What are your ulterior motives this time?"

"Alice, I never had ulterior motives with Edward! I don't know what I did to make you think that. And this isn't even remotely your business. It's between Jasper and me and no one else." I wasn't about to defend my feelings to her, even if I had nothing to hide.

She inched closer. "So what happens, Bella, when he starts using again? What are you going to do then?"

The hairs on my arms stood up. For a fraction of a second, I wished Alice and I were still friends so I could talk to her about how much that idea scared me. "Well, I wouldn't try to turn him into someone he's not."

She looked surprised. "Is that what he said?"

I nodded tightly.

My phone buzzed again... and kept buzzing. I dug it out of my pocket and saw that it was vibrating with a phone call, not a text message. "Call from... JWH" was flashing on the display. I hit "ignore" and shoved it in my pocket. I knew he was probably worried that I'd vanished. Hopefully he wouldn't be too pissed at me later.

Alice's next words were subdued. "I didn't want to change him, I just wanted him to be better and I didn't know how to do that."

I was surprised at how genuine she sounded and my anger dissipated slightly.

I remembered what Angela had told me. "I don't think it was your job to do, Alice. It wouldn't be mine either. We're not equipped to deal with that. He needs counseling."

"Good fucking luck with that one," she said, laughing, bitterness filling her voice again. "I _tried_ to get him to go back to his therapist, over and over, but he refused. He said he was completely fine. He promised it wouldn't happen again. And I believed him." I felt chills run through me at the familiarity of the words. "But addicts can be notoriously stubborn and manipulative, Bella, and just because he says something does not make it so."

She stopped and studied me for a moment. I knew my emotions were playing all over my terrible poker face.

"And that's what he's told you, too, isn't it?"

I opened my mouth to answer but shut it quickly.

The silence was punctuated by indistinct voices from the direction of the backyard. We both instinctively stepped further into the alcove.

Alice continued, her voice a heated whisper.

"I still love him as a friend, I do. We went through too much together. So I have to ask, why do you think you're any better equipped to deal with him than I was?"

I whispered back angrily. "For one thing, I actually _want_ to 'deal with him'!" I stabbed out furious air quotes. "How concerned can you possibly be if you didn't even know he was using again?"

Alice's eyebrows shot up.

"Fuck," I breathed out and stepped back in dismay. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ I had not meant to say that.

"He's using again? Since when?"

I was fucked and I knew it, and I didn't know how much to say. I knew immediately this would come back to bite me in the ass.

"Not for a couple of months. July. He started again after the fucking _birthday_ _party._"

Alice paled and I felt my own guilt when I realized I was happy about hers.

"He's stopped?" she asked quietly.

"Yes." I was positive and didn't qualify my answer.

"What did you do?"

Anger and guilt fed each other and throbbed through me. "What did I do? Nothing. We weren't even dating then..." I closed my eyes as I felt the blood drain from my face. "And he promised he was fine, that it wasn't going to happen again." My eyes were starting to burn behind my eyelids. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Alice.

I opened my eyes and rapidly blinked back the tears before they could fall.

Alice's face was blank and her arms were crossed tightly across her chest.

"Alice, you can't say anything."

"Did he ask you not to tell anyone?"

"No, but I can't imagine he would want it broadcast!"

"He should really talk to Carlisle. Maybe his medication needs to be adjusted again."

I nodded. "I'll suggest it."

"Bella, you have to do more than 'suggest,' otherwise he won't listen! Didn't you hear a fucking thing I said?"

"I refuse to turn into you, Alice! I'm not going to push him away because I can't stop being a meddlesome bitch!"

I felt the sting along my jaw before I even saw Alice move. I froze in astonishment. She took a step back, eyes wide, hand still raised.

"What the _fuck_, ladies?"

We jumped at the pissed version of the usually jovial voice. Alice's eyes shifted and focused on something over my shoulder. I turned slowly in dread.

Emmett – mouth still open – Jasper and Edward were standing about ten feet away, their expressions registering varying degrees of surprise and disappointment. I wondered how much they had heard and my eyes immediately filled with tears again. I shook my head slightly, trying to clear it.

But fuck that if they thought I was going to walk out of there looking as defeated as I felt. I straightened up and twisted to look at Alice over my shoulder. "Are we done here, Alice?" I asked it as calmly as possible even though everything inside me wanted to respond to her as she had responded to me.

She cast her eyes back to me and nodded once.

I looked at Jasper and his whole posture was tense with anger and concern.

"Mexico, babe?" he asked quietly.

"Mexico, Jasper. Fucking _Mexico_."

* * *

**Mexi****co with Jasper, anyone?**

**I know WriteOnTime doesn't own Labor Day parties, but thanks to her anyway. If you need some laughs after this, go read her story, _The Port Angeles Players._**

**I think I have thrown in the towel on my attempt to respond to all of the reviews I received while I was out of town. But I loved every single one. If I missed a question you asked, please let me know.**

**Thank you for reading! Chapter 14 on Sunday... (and an Embers update on Friday, I'm thinking).**


	14. There Is a Failure to Communicate

**Legna talked me off yet another ledge.**

**Paul Newman owns part of my soul. The rest is split between Legna and Jasper.**

**Al the Kickboxer is still mine :)**

* * *

_**In Which What We've Got Here is a Failure to Communicate**_

We didn't hang around after that. Leaving the other three standing in silence, we went straight to David and Helen. Before Jasper could throw himself under the bus, I told Helen I wasn't feeling well and apologized profusely. Carlisle came over to check on me and cleared me for the bike ride home when I blamed my nausea on jitters over the impending first day of classes.

I saw him frown at what was probably a bright red handprint against my pale face, but aside from a glance at Jasper, he didn't react. I wondered if he would ask Emmett or the others about it after we left. I didn't turn to see if they'd followed us.

Emmett appeared with our helmets and jackets while we were talking to Carlisle. After Jasper assured Carlisle and his parents he was okay to drive, Emmett walked us back out the way we'd come in. He was uncharacteristically quiet and Jasper was gripping my hand so tightly I was losing feeling in my fingertips.

"Well," Emmett said, clearing his throat as we arrived at the bike. "I don't suppose you want to talk about it before you go, B?"

I shook my head as I shrugged on my jacket. I couldn't get my zipper to catch and was seconds from screaming in frustration when Jasper pushed my hands away and zipped it up himself. Before he pulled on his helmet, he lightly traced my jaw where Alice's palm had made contact. His eyes were hard and unreadable.

Jasper and I mounted the bike and waved at Emmett as we pulled away.

The ride home was tense. I could feel the strain in Jasper's posture as he hunched over. I tried to sit up as straight as was safe, my hands gripping his hips. It was hard to resist curling myself around him, pressing my chest to his back so I could feel his heart beat, but I couldn't tell if he wanted that.

Jasper parked the bike behind my truck and we walked to the house in silence. Neither of us spoke until we'd shed jackets and helmets, un-tucked shirts, and kicked off uncomfortable shoes.

Jasper collapsed on the couch and looked up at me. "Tell me what happened. Please."

I wanted to yell at him that he shouldn't have left me alone in the shark tank, but I couldn't blame him for that. I was usually capable of handing myself like an adult. Except, it appeared, when it came to Alice.

I sat in the armchair, unsure whether he'd want me to sit next to him and unwilling to chance the rejection right now. My chest was aching over what was likely to be our first real fight. I supposed we were lucky that it had taken us seven weeks to get here.

"Tell me first what you heard."

"I heard the word 'bitch' before Alice slapped you."

"That's all?"

He nodded.

I wasn't sure if I was relieved or upset that he hadn't overheard more. Without context, it must have looked as if I was the aggressor. But did I want him – as well as Emmett and Edward – to have heard what came before?

I looked at his stoic façade and wondered if he was angry I'd insulted his ex-girlfriend to the point that she'd resorted to physical violence. I slumped in the chair, drained and desperately in need of a good cry and nap.

"What were you arguing about?" Jasper pressed, when I took too long to respond.

I sighed. "You," I said, "of course."

He got up from the couch and started pacing. I watched him as the tension in the room became more palpable with every heavy step he took. He finally stopped in front of the armchair and stared down at me.

"I can't even tell you what I thought when I couldn't find you and then Edward pointed out that Alice wasn't around either. You couldn't answer your fucking phone?"

"I'm sorry." My vision started to go watery and tears threatened for the third time today.

"Don't be sorry. Just don't fucking do it again." The words I said to him two months ago vibrated against the walls and raised the hair on my arms. The situation wasn't the same, but I ached as I remembered how upset I had been when I couldn't get ahold of Jasper that night. If I had thought of that an hour ago, I would have answered my phone.

He hovered over me, hands jammed into his pockets, jaw tight.

"Jesus, Bella, would you fucking _say_ something? I have no idea what to think, at whom to be fucking mad!"

I flinched back at the harsh words; they were deafening in the quiet room.

"Be mad at me, Jasper," I whispered.

"Why? Did you start it?" He crouched in front of me.

"She asked to talk to me, and it was okay at first..." I said, even though there had been no hope it would be okay, not from the moment Alice whispered in my ear and cornered me. "And then she just got... we just got out of hand. She questioned why I thought I was good enough for you and if I was trying to take you away from everyone. She said I was trying to turn Emmett, too."

I watched his face with trepidation as I spoke. Would this test his loyalties? If it came down to his family or me... the answer was obvious. My heart burned as it constricted. It hadn't even really been two months, but the thought of a Jasper-free existence scared me.

"What else? There has to be more."

Here's where it got sticky. Here's where the lines blurred between being honest with my boyfriend and sharing things that would only serve to upset and anger. Out of all of the things Alice and I had said, there was one that I _had_ to tell him. If it came back to him and he hadn't heard it from me first... I feared that would be an unforgivable offense. As it was, the mere fact that I had slipped might be inexcusable.

I nodded, thoughts of him storming out of here playing in my head. The tears that had been threatening spilled over. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop them. When my shoulders started to shake unbidden and I knew I wouldn't be able to control the tidal surge, I curled in on myself, embarrassed to be falling apart.

"Hey..." Jasper's voice was close to my ear and before I could react, he lifted me up. He held me against him as he settled into the armchair, his arms circling my back and my knees, which were still pulled to my chest. I turned my face into his shirt, trying to calm myself. He rubbed my back softly.

"I fucked up," I said thickly when my throat loosened, my tears already soaking his shirt. I had to tell him. No secrets. He grew still around me.

"What did you do?" he asked quietly, his lips against my ear.

I pulled away from his body so I could face him when I confessed. I could accept being a crybaby, but there was no honor in being a coward. Charlie had taught me that. I sucked in a ragged breath. "I told Alice that you'd been using in July." I kept my eyes on his, wanting to see the anger take over. I deserved it.

But there was no anger, just something akin to resignation. "Fuck," he muttered, looking away. "Do I even want to know what led to that?"

"Probably not."

"What did she say?"

"She wanted to know if you'd stopped, if you were okay now."

"What did you tell her?"

"That you were fine." I hesitated. We hadn't talked about this, not at all, since that day in July. We'd somehow managed to avoid the issue almost entirely. "You are, right?"

He looked back at me; less than twelve inches separated us. I wanted to just kiss him and take back the past three hours. "Yes, I've been fine." His tone was tight. "Have I given you any reason to believe otherwise?"

I shook my head... but at the same time, I searched his face for any indication that Alice was right, that he might be lying. I didn't see anything. I was relieved... and worried that – despite what Emmett had told me – I might still be missing something.

I laid my head back on his chest, letting him unknowingly comfort me with his warmth and latent strength. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. Jasper was silent but didn't loosen his grip on me.

"Are you pissed at me?" I asked after a minute.

He hugged me tighter to his chest. "Yes."

I reveled in the unexpected contradiction, inappropriately happy that he could be mad and still want to be near me. "I'm so sorry. It just came out. I was careless." I burrowed into him and felt him press his lips into the top of my head.

"I am also really fucking mad at Alice," he said, his voice muffled by my hair.

"It's not all her fault, Jasper. It was a two-way conversation. Obviously I had some input."

"Conversation? Do all of your conversations end in slapping? I hate to think what would have happened if we hadn't shown up."

"Yeah, me, too." I had a vision of rolling around in the grass with Alice, pulling hair, scratching skin.

"Whatever you said to her, I am sure she provoked you."

I refrained from responding, wanting to avoid any more specifics about the "conversation" if I could.

"I think I'll have to talk with Carlisle," Jasper said.

"Do you think she's going to tell him?" My stomach twisted that I may have unintentionally gotten Jasper in trouble. I wasn't sure how it worked with Carlisle. Did he respect doctor-patient confidentiality when one of the kids was the patient? Would he go to David and Helen? Jasper had been using before we started dating, but it was undeniable in my mind that his uncertainty about our "relationship" and his feelings about me had contributed to the relapse.

"I don't know, she might. Or she could just go to her brothers."

Guilt washed through me and piled on top of the shame and disappointment I was already feeling. More tears leaked out. I bent my head before Jasper could see. I was royally fucking everything up. It was only a matter of time before Jasper came to that conclusion on his own and decided that our relationship wasn't worth the trouble it was causing. That would certainly be different from my last few relationships; it would serve me right to be on the receiving end of the cut and run.

"I think that's a good idea," I whispered into his chest.

"What is?"

"If you see Carlisle." I bit my lip, awaiting his response.

"I thought you said that you believed I was okay?" His hand stilled on my back.

"I do! I just... ugh, I don't know. I'm sorry." I slid my fingers between two of the buttons on his shirt and wished he didn't have a t-shirt on underneath. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. Hopefully he would want to take a nap with me after we finished talking.

Jasper shifted his arms around me and then stood. After walking to the couch and setting me down gently, he perched on the edge of the seat facing me.

"I'm going to head out. Are you going to be okay?"

"You're not staying?" It was all I could do not to reach out and grab his arm to hold him down.

"I should probably stop by my folks' house and make sure the rest of the party went okay."

"Oh, absolutely." I tried to keep my disappointment off my face. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll probably just take a nap and get ready for classes." Tomorrow was Tuesday; he would be back here for dinner.

"I was thinking..." Jasper said as he stood and moved toward the hall. I was instantly on red alert because I could hear in his voice that something wasn't right. I stood up and leaned slightly against the couch, waiting. He turned to face me. "Maybe I'll spend this week at my house, to smooth things over with everyone."

I crossed my arms to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest. I counted to three in my head to make sure I was under control. "That's fine. That's a good idea." My words came out more curtly than I'd intended. Something flickered across Jasper's face but was gone so quickly that I didn't have a chance to identify it. I picked up Jasper's jacket from the chair in the hall and handed it to him in silence.

"I'll see you soon." He ran a thumb down my jaw and bent to kiss me gently.

"I hope everything's okay at home."

He nodded and picked up his helmet. He paused after opening the door and turned back. "Bye, babe."

"Bye, Jasper," I whispered. The storm door slowly swung closed in his wake.

. . . . . . . .

I spent the rest of the week trying to recover from Monday's disaster. I was glad that classes started on Tuesday; the return to campus helped me ignore the gaping hole at my dinner table Tuesday night. In the past five months, I had eaten Tuesday dinner alone only a handful of times. I didn't like it.

Classes started without incident. Angela and I had two of our four together and were assigned to the same elementary school for our student teaching. Over coffee at the diner on Wednesday, in our standard booth, I shared what had happened at the party and afterwards. I told her I was worried he was reconsidering our relationship and was using this time to think about it. She looked sad but was encouraging and told me she was sure it would only take a few days for him to come around.

Emmett called on Thursday to check on me. I was more anxious to hear how Jasper was doing, if he was talking to anyone. Emmett said they had stayed up late the night before playing video games. I breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't drawing into himself.

Jasper and I texted through the week, simple inquiries about work and classes, but didn't make any plans to see one another. The charged anxiety that had been eating at me during the early part of the week faded into dull, achy worry as the weekend came and I faced spending it alone.

"What do you have planned for Sunday?" Angela asked as we walked through the teachers' parking lot, Friday after school. She threw it out there casually, but I knew her better than that.

"No plans," I shrugged. I wasn't going to make a big deal of my birthday; I never did. It was true that I was hoping Jasper would mention it. He knew when it was – he'd already given me the motorcycle gear under the guise of early gifts. I assumed his silence on the topic was an indication he was still thinking things over.

"Well, there are still a couple of days. You never know." She smiled reassuringly and I tried not to think about what it would mean if Sunday came and went and I didn't hear from him.

Friday and Saturday, Jasper and I exchanged more texts. I followed his lead and kept them to nothing more than hellos and how-are-yous, and didn't call him, even though I really wanted to.

Sunday dawned quietly, just as I usually liked my birthdays, but disappointment and sorrow gnawed at my gut.

Before kickboxing, I opened a package from Renée that had arrived a few days earlier. Her gifts tended to be eclectic messes, like her, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. I unwrapped a peasant skirt, woven of bright reds and oranges, and a matching tank and lightweight hoodie, which were thankfully solid. It was a cute outfit and better than a lot of other things she'd sent me. She had also included two homemade candles, and a nice, if not slightly lopsided, set of hand-thrown mugs – all of it the same shade of red.

I was suddenly glad I had never gotten around to telling her about Jasper. It had been eating at me, but I'd never had the easiest time talking with Renée about boys, even though she was usually my greatest confidante. And now, if our relationship was just going to fade out after two months, it was good I had spared her the disappointment.

I finally realized how distracted I was when I lost my focus in kickboxing and took two unexpectedly hard hits while we were sparring. Al, my partner in Jasper's absence, apologized profusely for landing a kick to my ribs that began to bruise almost immediately.

Interested in nothing but a hot shower and an ice pack, I arrived home to find Angela on my front porch, enormous coffees and pastries in hand.

"I thought the birthday girl could use a morning treat." She pulled me into a hug but backed off when I winced. "Oh, Bella! You go shower and I'll have the ice ready when you get out." She frowned when I showed her the bruise on my left side.

The shower was soothing. On a whim, I put on my new outfit and flip-flops before I went downstairs. In the kitchen, Angela took a picture of me for Renée. I fought back a grimace as I posed; ignoring the dull pain in both my ribs and heart was starting to prove difficult.

"All right, birthday girl. Relax." Angela handed me ice she'd wrapped in a dishtowel.

I settled into the couch and situated the ice pack. Angela brought out the coffees and pastries and sat next to me.

An hour later, it hurt to breathe and I couldn't get comfortable no matter how I sat or lay down. I tried to ignore both my modesty and ticklishness as Angela ran her fingers carefully over the bruised skin.

"It was a big guy who hit you?"

"Yeah. Think Emmett – you remember Emmett? But not quite as bulky."

"Ouch. Um, Bella?"

I didn't like the tone of her voice at all and groaned out my response. "ER?"

"Yeah, I think so." She smiled apologetically. "Happy birthday, huh?"

I dragged myself off the couch. "What the hell else is new?"

Angela drove and called Ben on the way to explain what was going on. "He's at his mom's, but he's going to stop by afterwards if we're not done yet," she said when she hung up. She looked at me for a long moment as we sat at a stoplight.

"Spit it out, Ange."

"Do you want to call Jasper?"

I did want to call him, but if we weren't doing the birthday thing, I didn't want to interrupt his Sunday. He had probably already made plans. "No."

"You don't think he'd want to be with you?"

I had no real answer for that so I shrugged in response.

Angela dropped me off at the ER entrance so I wouldn't have to walk very far. I went in to get the paperwork started while she parked. I was surprised to see the waiting room was fairly empty. From my experience, Sunday afternoons tended to be busy ER days. Maybe it was all of the leisure activities people participated in – like kickboxing – that got them into trouble. If this was a quiet Sunday, hopefully this would be quick; I hated to waste half of Angela's weekend.

Angela and I were waiting in the hard plastic chairs when a familiar voice called my name. _Of fucking course._

Carlisle was approaching us with a concerned look on his face. He had a chart in his hand – mine, if I had to guess.

"Carlisle," I said as Angela helped me to my feet, "I thought you were at Northwest?"

"I come over here to lend a hand sometimes, when they're short-staffed. I just saw your chart."

As he led us back to one of the exam rooms, I introduced him to Angela and explained what had happened during class.

He performed a preliminary exam and then sent me to radiology for cautionary x-rays. Angela and I were waiting for them to come back when Ben called and she scurried out of the room to answer her cell. Thirty seconds after Angela walked out, the exam room door opened and Carlisle walked in. He pushed my x-rays against the illuminator and smiled at me after examining them for a moment.

"Looks like they're just bruised, Bella. That's good news. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do for you other than tell you to keep icing them, limit your movement, and take whichever over-the-counter painkiller you prefer. I could prescribe something stronger, but I don't expect that you'll need it."

"Thanks, Carlisle. Sorry to trouble you." I felt silly for worrying about just a bruise.

"In this situation, it is much better to be safe than sorry. A fracture, even a slight one, could have been dangerous if you hadn't been aware of it. It was smart to come in." He paused, writing something in my chart, and then flipped it shut.

"Probably not how you wanted to spend your birthday," Carlisle said as we exited the exam room. I glanced at him in surprise and he tapped the chart under his arm.

"No, not really," I snorted. "But it's not all that shocking, given my history. And I didn't have anything else planned, so it's not a big deal."

Carlisle looked bemused. Was my visit wholly covered under patient-doctor privilege or would his kids find out I'd been here today? I was sure that would entertain the Cullen household to no end. Emmett's teasing would be relentless.

As we arrived at the desk, Carlisle cleared his throat. "I know this isn't really my business, Bella. After you left the party, we heard a little bit about why you really left. I hope that nothing that my daughter said has caused any problems in your relationship with Jasper. Helen said you've been together for a couple of months?"

"Um, yes, since July." At least this wasn't awkward.

"I thought Alice might call you to apologize, but Emmett suggested that wasn't the best idea."

"Emmett was probably right."

"Yes, I find he usually is about these things. He probably would have made a good psychiatrist. Here comes Angela."

I turned to see her walking toward us.

"It was nice to see you, Bella, although, of course, I wish it were under different circumstances."

"My father used to joke that the only way he ever got to see me is if he had to stop by the hospital during one of his shifts. But it's gotten better," I said as Angela arrived at my elbow. "Hopefully I won't have to see the inside of this place for another year."

He smiled at me and wished us both a pleasant day.

I explained to Angela what Carlisle had said about my ribs as we walked to the car, and then filled her in on what he'd said right before she walked up.

"So it sounds like Alice didn't tell him about Jasper?"

"Yeah, I guess not. I think he would have said _something_. But Emmett didn't mention anything about it on the phone on Thursday... maybe she kept it to herself." That wasn't very Alice-like, but I was hopeful. "How's Ben?"

"Oh, he's fine. He wanted to make sure you were okay. Did you get any phone calls while we were in there?"

I frowned when she gave me a shifty look and pulled my phone out of my bag. I had one missed call, but it was from Renée. Her Mother-sense must have been tingling. I had a feeling Angela wasn't talking about Renée, though.

"No, Ange, Jasper didn't call."

"That sucks, sweetie. No matter how much you say it doesn't."

I nodded and stared out the window. We stopped at the drugstore on our way back to my place so I could get some real ice packs and restock my supply of painkillers.

The familiar car behind my truck was the first thing I saw when we rounded the corner into my neighborhood.

"Fuck," I muttered, instantly angry and resentful.

"What?" Angela asked, surprised.

I nodded ahead at Jasper's car.

"But that's good, right?" She gave me a huge smile.

"No, it's not good, Ange. That means that Carlisle turned around and fucking called someone in his family, probably while I was still at the hospital. What the fuck happened to confidentiality? Jasper wouldn't have come over on his own without letting me know first." As we pulled up to the curb, I could see Jasper sitting on my front porch. He stood when he saw us.

Angela turned off the car and faced me, her smile gone. "Bella, Carlisle didn't get Jasper here. Ben did."

"What?" I frowned at her.

"I just felt so bad that it was your birthday and you had to spend half of it at the hospital. And I know how much you wanted him here, even though you wouldn't say it. I had Ben call him. I'm sorry, I thought you would be happy to see him." She looked upset and I was sorry I'd snapped.

I peeked out the window. Jasper was still standing on the porch, waiting for us to get out of the car.

"I want him to be here because he _wants_ to be here, not because he feels bad for me." I sighed. Angela was still watching me uncertainly. I mustered a smile for her. "It's fine, Ange, really. Thank you. That was sweet."

"Okay. You have a visitor." She pointed to my window. Jasper was standing just outside the door with his hand on the door handle. I unlocked the door and he pulled it open. His hands were immediately on me, helping me out of the car.

"Babe, I can't leave you alone, can I?" Jasper asked, his voice soft.

"No, you can't." My response was stiff and I pulled away from him slightly before I could stop myself. He dropped his hands with a frown. I really wanted his assurance that he was here out of more than misplaced obligation.

I started up the walkway with Jasper next to me. Angela grabbed the shopping bag and followed us. I unlocked the door while she told Jasper what Carlisle had said about icing and limiting my movement.

"Wait, you saw Carlisle?" Jasper cut in.

"Amusing, no?" I tried to take the bag from Angela but she pushed me to the couch. She rummaged through it and pulled out an ice pack. I shuffled the pillows around and reclined on my right side. The ice pack was cold and soothing against my skin.

"You need anything before I go, birthday girl?" Angela asked softly.

"No, I'm good. You've more than fulfilled your BFF duties quota for the day," I smiled at her. "See you tomorrow?"

She nodded and gave me half of a hug. "Have a very _happy_ birthday, okay?" She winked and scurried out of the room before I could react.

I closed my eyes and listened as she spoke quietly with Jasper for a moment, too low for me to hear. After the front door closed, I heard Jasper walk back into the room and sit on the coffee table in front of me.

"Babe? Please look at me?"

I slowly opened my eyes to regard him.

"You're upset," he said.

"I don't know what I am."

"Angela said you've been sad all week. Why didn't you say anything?"

"When was I supposed to do that? Between LOLs and KTHXBAIs? It was clear you needed some time to think. I wasn't going to bother you before you came to a decision."

Jasper blinked at me. "Bella, I wanted _you _to have time to think and make a decision."

I struggled to sit up and pushed away Jasper's hands when he tried to stop me. "What do I need time for?" I winced against the pain and dug through the shopping bag for the painkillers. Jasper got up from the coffee table while I was opening the bottle and returned with water.

"Thanks." I quickly swallowed two pills and leaned back against the cushions, readjusting the ice pack. "You were saying...?" I looked at him expectantly. He was giving _me_ time?

"I thought you might be reconsidering this... us."

"Why would I do that?"

He reached forward and pressed the back of his hand to my forehead. "I thought it was only your ribs. Did you bump your head, too? Have some sort of brain-addling disease I don't know about?" His words were teasing but his tone was serious. "Do you not remember what happened on Monday?"

I slapped at his hand in irritation. "So what?"

"So, my ex-girlfriend slapped you after yet again insulting you. My sister's a bitch. And... my family, my problems... just. Really, Bella, do we need to go over this? I can think of a million reasons why you would want to get the fuck out of this before it becomes any more serious."

I stared at him. I was dangerously close to losing it and I didn't know if that would come in the form of laughter or tears. "You're telling me that we've basically been thinking the same thing all week, giving the other person time... when neither of us really needed or wanted it?" I could hear hope creeping into my voice as I spoke.

"If you're saying that you are... happy... with me, with our fucked up situation, then yes. That's what I'm telling you."

"Well, I don't know that I'm happy with everything about our situation, but I'm happy with _you_." I pulled his hand into my lap and wrapped my fingers around his.

"Yeah?"

I nodded. But... "Why are you here, though?"

"Well, I heard that my girlfriend got hurt taking on someone twice her size and I wanted to make sure she was okay. Isn't that what good boyfriends do? And what the hell happened, anyway? You never have problems sparring."

"My regular partner wasn't there and I was distracted. Al felt awful."

Jasper looked almost as guilty as Al had. "Sorry," he murmured, rubbing his thumb along mine.

I hated to stir the pot after we'd just cleared the air somewhat but I needed him to disavow my previous thought. "Is that the only reason you're here? Because Ben called?"

He gave me a half-smile. "Would you believe me if I said I was planning to call this afternoon and beg to come over?"

"I would if you said it was true."

Jasper's smile was genuine then. "Well, it is. It was killing me we weren't together on your birthday. But you didn't mention it all week..."

"Jasper, do you not know me well enough by now to know that I'm never going to make a big deal out of my birthday?"

"Yeah, I know." He shifted from the coffee table onto the couch beside me and wrapped his arms around me. "Can I do this now without you pulling away?"

"I guess." I tried to sound nonchalant but I knew my poorly concealed grin gave me away.

He cupped my face. "Happy birthday, babe." He bent forward and pressed his lips to mine. I ignored my throbbing side and leaned into him. Gripping the front of his shirt, I drew him closer. This was good... we were good... My whole body relaxed as relief flooded through me and washed away the anxiety.

He had one arm around my shoulders, holding me very carefully. His lips brushed my ear and then my neck. "This misunderstanding thing we did here?" He pushed the material of my tank top and hoodie to the side and kissed my collarbone. "Can we not do that again?"

"Yes, please. Not again," I whispered against his hair.

"You have to be open and tell me what you're thinking, even if you think I'm upset. No secrets, remember?"

"I remember. But that goes for you too, okay?" I waited until he looked at me and nodded before I snuck both arms around him and squeezed as tightly as I could without shrieking in pain. One last thing was still bothering me and I braced myself as I pulled away from him, gently pressing both hands on his chest. "I have to ask this, although I was really enjoying that."

He smirked and tugged on my hair.

"You haven't spoken with Carlisle." I realized it was more of a statement than a question.

"No. I talked to Alice. She said she wasn't going to say anything although she thinks I should talk to him anyway. At least you two agree on something."

"You talked to Alice?"

"We had a couple of things to clear up," he said offhandedly. "I think I can almost 75% guarantee your physical safety the next time you see her. Now, let's limit your movement." He stretched out on the couch and pulled me so I was lying on top of him. He picked up the forgotten ice pack and slipped it under the side of my tank top.

"Hey, what happened to this," I tapped his lips, "and that," I pointed to my neck.

"You know exactly where _that_ will lead and we're not going there until you're healed, Rocky. And, sorry, but I'm not sacrificing quality for quantity. Just lie here and be good. I'm having a difficult enough time ignoring that skirt as it is. New?"

"Birthday present from Renée." I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

"I'll have to thank her. Speaking of birthday presents..."

I raised my head so fast I almost had to add a broken neck to the day's grievances. "Please say you didn't do anything silly. You already gave me the stuff for the bike-"

"Don't worry, it's right up your alley, I promise. It's just not ready yet."

"Jasper-"

"Can it," he cut me off, "you'll love it. Now, put your head back down and rest."

I tucked my head into his neck and relaxed my body against his. Jasper gently ran a hand up and down my back. He turned on the TV and lowered the volume so that the on-screen voices were only murmurs in the quiet room. As I drifted into comfortable sleep, I felt his lips move against my forehead and his chest hum with words, but what he said was lost as sleep pulled me under.

* * *

**Go watch **_**Cool Hand Luke**_**. **

**So. 1,000 reviews. I really want to take all of you out for a few rounds of drinks or cheesecake or whatever you prefer. It's a good thing this was already written, because I've been short on words for the past three days.**

**For anyone who pays attention to the chapter titles: I had to mod the one I used as the official FFn title because of length restrictions, but I wanted it to still make sense in an "In Which" context, so it's a little different from the one on this page.**

**Chapter 15 on Wednesday. And next week... next week is going to be _fun_.**


	15. We’re Leavin’ on a Jet Plane

******My beta (Legna989) is better than your beta. Well, except for yours, LaViePastiche. ;)**

**I own nothing but a sorority sister or two.**

* * *

**_In Which We're Leavin' on a Jet Plane_**

"Babe, are you trying to crack the Continental Divide?"

"Huh?" I asked distractedly.

When Jasper placed a hand on my knee, I realized I'd been bouncing my leg up and down manically. That's what four cups of coffee and a healthy helping of anxiety did to you.

"Just not a fan of flying," I muttered.

"Oh, I thought it was because you were worried about me meeting your mother."

I glared at his smug face and resumed my assault on the tile beneath my foot. "Zip it, Hale."

I exhaled and looked at the Arrivals / Departures board for the fifteenth time since we'd arrived at Sea-Tac. We were set to board a direct flight to Phoenix in ten minutes to visit Renée and Phil for Columbus Day weekend. The plans had been made last minute when the Diamondbacks hadn't made the playoffs. Jasper had suggested it three nights ago and we'd been lucky to find a last-minute, cheap flight. There wasn't a word in the English language to adequately describe Renée's excitement.

Two weeks ago, I had finally broken down and told her about Jasper. It had actually been an accident, and my own fault, really – while she was telling me about a new class she was taking, I was trying to finish homework I had due the next day. When she asked what my plans were for the weekend, I had answered without thinking and told her the truth – that I had plans with Jasper. She whined, I capitulated, and we ended the conversation after she had a bare-bones idea about the guy I'd been dating for two and a half months.

Since then, she had been calling almost daily, trying to get the nitty-gritties out of me. When she emailed demanding I send pictures, I sent her the one Annie had taken at the baseball game in June. I was glad Jasper wasn't around when she responded saying she had "melted onto her keyboard," because I was sure my skin flamed Tabasco red at the thought of my mother ogling my boyfriend.

It was going to be a very long four days.

When our flight number was finally called, we streamed onto the plane with the other passengers. Jasper stored our carry-ons while I wedged myself into my window seat. I immediately dug my iPod out of my tote. I hadn't been joking about my dislike of flying. I would need both a little Steven Tyler and Jasper Hale to get through the 163-minute flight. Jasper took his seat next to me. Watching him trying to find room for his ungodly long legs, I felt bad that I had asked for the window. He would have been so much more comfortable sitting along the aisle and not in a center seat.

"Smile, we're almost there," he grinned. "iPod." He held out his hand and I handed it over. He poked around in his backpack and came out with his headphones and a headphone splitter. He plugged both sets of headphones into it and attached it to my iPod. "You're in charge," he said, handing back the player. I smiled and kissed him before pulling up the "Keeping Sane" playlist I'd put together last night.

Three hours and two and a half spins through the playlist later, we were touching down in Arizona. Jasper had held my hand or rubbed my back throughout the flight. Luckily, we'd only had one particularly nasty bout of turbulence. I was surprised to find that I hadn't been miserable the whole time.

We had fit all of our clothing into carry-ons so we were able to pass right by baggage claim and start looking for Renée. We heard her before we saw her as my name carried over the general airport din. I looked around and spotted Renée walking quickly toward us, her smile impossibly big.

"I guess I know where you got your looks," Jasper said as we approached my mother. I was just elbowing him in the ribs when Renée reached us and threw her arms around me. We bounced up and down a little bit, laughing. Ten months was much too long to go without seeing her. Regardless of how eccentric and scattered she might be, she really was my best friend. I held her tightly until she pulled gently away, looking over my shoulder.

"Oh, Bella! He's so _handsome_!" she squealed. "His picture didn't nearly do him justice!"

She squealed. Fucking _squealed_ about my boyfriend like he wasn't even there.

She stepped around me and, in two steps and two seconds, had gathered Jasper into a surprisingly mom-like hug. How my 5'3 mom was able to hug my 6'3 boyfriend and make it look like she was embracing a toddler, I'll never know. But she did it. Must be one of those mother superpowers handed out in back alleys behind birthing centers. Jasper's eyes widened over her head as he tentatively patted her back. I just shrugged. Welcome to Renée.

She linked her arm with his and I could hear her chattering at him as we made our way to the car. This weekend would be a true test of what Jasper would be willing to withstand for me. A very long four days, indeed.

. . . . . . . .

"You two want to go upstairs and settle in? I know I'm always tired after I travel," Renée asked as we walked into the house through the garage.

"Sure, that sounds good. Which guest room is Jasper in?" I asked as we headed toward the stairs.

"Oh, I assumed Jasper would stay in your room with you, baby."

I stopped mid-stride and stared at Renée. She blinked and looked up at Jasper. "Bella, you're twenty-three. You're not my little girl anymore."

"But-"

"I don't care what Charlie would say, I trust you to make smart decisions." She smiled at me. I waited for an earthquake to split the ground and swallow me whole. "You _are _making smart decisions, aren't you?" she continued, looking back and forth between us, expectantly.

"Um, we'll be heading upstairs now," I muttered, finally resuming movement.

"Remember," she called after us, "smart decisions!"

I scrambled up the stairs as quickly as I could and shouldered open the door to my old bedroom.

"Now I understand why you waited to tell her about me," Jasper said as he entered the room behind me.

"You think?" I tossed my bag on the bed.

Well, this would be pretty fucking weird. Mike had stayed here with me a number of times during college – weekends when Renée and Phil were traveling, mostly. He was the only boy I'd ever had here, and I'd certainly never had one here with Renée and Phil fully aware. Heavy make out sessions with them downstairs? There had maybe been a few. But... sleeping? Or _other_ activities? Anything requiring a "smart decision" be made? No way in _hell._

I watched while Jasper took in my room. He poked at the textbooks in my bookcase before sitting next to me on the bed and bumping my shoulder with his.

"You going to be okay with me staying in here? I'm happy to sneak into the guest room in the middle of the night if you want me to."

"Isn't that kind of backward?" I chuckled.

"Yeah," he said, dragging me back to recline on the bed with him, "but I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"Nah, it's fine." I snuggled into his side and closed my eyes. "Just don't expect to get any while we're here."

Jasper groaned and then was silent for a couple of minutes. "What are you thinking?"

I looked up to see him watching me.

"Just that it isn't as strange to have you here as I thought it would be."

"Strange?"

How could I explain it? "For the most part, my Arizona and Washington worlds have been two separate parts of my life. I wasn't sure what would happen when they intersected."

"What's the verdict?"

"Well, nothing's exploded, yet, so that's good. And I would say that Renée's taken rather a liking to you."

"Of course," he said haughtily. He stretched, self-satisfied grin huge, before winking at me.

"Like mother, like daughter, I guess." I stretched up to kiss his jaw but he turned his head to meet my lips with his. We kissed slowly for a few minutes, our hands staying mostly kissing-with-the-parents-downstairs appropriate. I broke it off and then kissed his jaw as I'd intended, before sliding off the bed. "Before she comes up here and talks more about 'smart decisions,' we'd better cut that out." I dug around in my bag for flip-flops.

"Hey," Jasper caught me around the waist before we walked into the hall. "Thanks for bringing me here. It means a lot to me that you'd let me come home to meet Mom. I've never really had to meet a mom like this. Hopefully I won't disappoint you."

"Disappoint me?" I was surprised to see that Jasper looked uneasy. Of course, he had only ever had to deal with Esme, and she was the perfect mom-of-significant-other. "Well, I've never really brought anyone home to meet Mom, either, so it's a first for both of us," I reassured him. I decided that Mike didn't count because Renée had met him my first day at ASU. During the time I had dated Edward, we'd just never been able to get schedules around school breaks and holidays right for him to come down here. He'd only met Renée once, at graduation.

Jasper nodded and pushed his hair back with one hand while he watched me.

"I'm just glad you wanted to be here. And hopefully she won't scare you off," I smiled at him. I knew there was potential for Renée to say disastrous things. What we'd already seen was just the tip of the iceberg.

"Nothing could scare me off," he said softly as he bent to kiss me again.

"Careful what you say, Renée has bat-like hearing and might take that as a challenge," I said, laughing and dragging him down the hall.

. . . . . . . .

Saturday, I stole Jasper from Renée's cheerful clutches and gave him The Tour. We drove by my high school and favorite freshman and sophomore year hangouts. If not for the blue minivan in the driveway of the house where Renée and I had lived, pre-Phil, I might have snuck into the backyard and shown Jasper where I'd had my first kiss, when I was fourteen.

It was a gorgeous Saturday – the weather was perfect even by Arizona standards – and Tempe was all abustle with tourists and locals. I took Jasper to my favorite taquería for lunch and we sat outside, watching people and enjoying ridiculously strong margaritas.

Sunday afternoon, Renée and Phil hosted an end-of-the-season BBQ for the Diamondbacks. Jasper spent the first thirty minutes pressed to the side of the house, whispering stats in my ear as he watched the players milling around. When Brandon Webb arrived with his wife, I thought Jasper was going to lose it. In addition to stats, he started spouting information about Webb's best games and college career. Jasper was like a machine of useless baseball knowledge and, even though I didn't care about baseball, it was hard not to get a bit caught up in his excitement. On top of that, I couldn't have stopped him even if I'd taken off my clothes and paraded around.

"Hey, Jasper! Bella!"

I turned my attention from Jasper's baseball babble to see Phil approaching us.

"Are you going to stand here all day? Come meet some of the guys."

"I think Jasper's in some sort of stupor. He's been fangirling Brandon Webb for ten minutes." I pointed to where Webb was saying hello to Renée.

"That so? Here." Phil grinned and handed Jasper a Sharpie he'd been using earlier to write on the coolers. "You can ask him to sign your chest."

Jasper snapped out of it and glared at my snickering. "Very funny. We both know what would happen if you ran into Tom Brady in a dark alley. _'Oh, Tom_,'" he mocked.

"Shut it!" I shoved Jasper toward Phil and gave him a little finger-wave when he turned to see if I was following. He'd be fine on his own. I'd wander around and check to see if Renée needed any help.

I stopped on the way to get another beer from the coolers near the grills. As I was looking for a bottle opener, some of the wives nearby caught my attention.

"Who is _that?_"

"I haven't seen him before."

"When did they sign him?"

"Don't tell Mike, but we're in need of some new eye candy."

I followed their stares and snorted when I saw whom they were watching. Jasper. Of course.

He was standing with a few of the players, including Webb. Laughing and talking – he had clearly relocated his confidence – he truly looked like he fit with them. I wasn't surprised to feel the now-standard warmth that flooded me when I saw him.

Watching them, I had a terrible idea.

I popped the lid off my beer and strolled up to the group of women. I already knew some of them from previous years and I introduced myself to the rest as Phil's step-daughter.

"That's Jasper Hale," I tipped my bottle toward the object of their interest. "They just picked him up last week." I rambled off numbers and team names that may have made sense.

They were all eyeing him very appreciatively and I opted to be amused rather than jealous. I knew whose bed he was sleeping in tonight. Well... hopefully that wouldn't change after what I was about to do. I looked around the group of women and noticed that one was much younger than the rest. She had Greek letters on her tank top and looked like she was in her late teens – maybe someone's daughter or younger sister.

I leaned toward her. "You should go ask for his autograph. He's so new, he still gets really excited about meeting fans."

"Really?"

I nodded. He was abso-fucking-lutely going to kill me. I loved it.

I watched as she adjusted the straps on her tank top. "Is he married?"

Her question caught me off-guard but I recovered quickly. _Don't laugh, don't laugh._ "No, he's not married. And I heard his nickname is 'Cowboy.'" Oh, I was going straight to hell for this.

The group of us watched as she sauntered over to the small group of players, muttering Jasper's name under her breath. I could barely contain myself as his face went through confusion, comprehension, and then... uh oh.

He nodded and smiled at her while slowly pulling from his pocket the Sharpie Phil had given him. As he uncapped it, he looked straight into my eyes.

And smirked.

Double uh oh.

He said something to the girl, whose name I hadn't caught, and her ponytail bounced up and down as she nodded. There was no way... Pen in his right hand, he casually pulled aside her thin tank straps and bent to write on her shoulder, like he'd been doing it his whole life. _No. Fucking. Way._

A collective sigh went up around me. I almost dropped my beer.

Jasper let the straps slide back into place and recapped the pen. As the girl turned back to us, her face a veritable sun of glowing excitement, a sweeping black "J" distinct on her tan skin, Jasper met my eyes and held up two fingers. _Two can play at that game_. Of fucking course. I raised my hands in silent surrender.

Thirty minutes later, I was talking with one of the wives when there was suddenly a deep voice in my ear.

"You thought that was funny, _cowgirl?_" I chuckled as the voice grew an arm and slipped it around my waist. "Well, we'll have to think of a suitable punishment, won't we?"

A hand slipped into my pocket and snagged my cell phone. Then arms were around me and I was flying before I could so much as yell "ride 'em," as Jasper picked me up and tossed me into the pool. I broke the surface of the water in time to see him dive into the water with me, also fully dressed.

Within seconds, he had me pressed up against the side of the pool.

"Is this my punishment?" I gasped for breath. I ran my hands over the defined muscles of his stomach, obvious now under his wet shirts. "Because, I've gotta say I'm feeling kind of rewarded."

"Oh, this is like the punishment appetizer," he smirked before leaning into my body and biting my bottom lip.

It turned out that the main course of "suitable punishment" involved hiking up Camelback Mountain the following morning, for which Jasper woke me at 6:30 a.m. "Before it gets too hot and crowded," he said. It was too warm for him to wear a long-sleeved t-shirt so he put on a lightweight jacket before we left the house. He stuffed it into his backpack when we got to the trail. We'd have to make sure he put it back on before we got home.

At some point, I'd tell Renée more about Jasper's past – when he was ready for her to know – but not on this trip.

Despite forgetting sunscreen and burning like nachos under a broiler, we survived the hike. We managed to have time for showers and a nap before Renée and Phil took us out for dinner at a steakhouse not too far from their neighborhood.

In the cool, dark restaurant, we slid into a booth, Renée across from Jasper. We'd spent a lot of time chatting since we'd arrived on Friday, but it didn't seem that Renée would ever tire of asking Jasper questions. I think she was probably trying to milk him for all he was worth before I stole him away again. I was surprised she even had anything left to talk to him about, but halfway through the meal she came up with a new question.

"Jasper, Bella says you work with your dad?"

"Yeah, I work as a CPA at his investment firm in Seattle, The Hale Group."

"Oh, that sounds so _stable_," Renée said, giving me a significant look. Not good – Renée's significant looks always promised impending Bella embarrassment.

"It is. But it's really been my intent to only stay there until I find something I can really sink my teeth into."

"What do you have in mind?" Phil asked.

I knew from conversations with Jasper that he had only gone with accounting because he hadn't had any better ideas and David had promised him a job after college. Although they had never spoken about it, Jasper was sure his dad was expecting him to assume his role as head of the company, someday – something in which Jasper was very much _not_ interested.

"I'm not really sure. I was thinking about maybe something in the arts. I envy Bella being able to share her love for writing with kids. Maybe I could do something with music." He gave me a grin and squeezed my knee.

"Oh, Bella said you play guitar! I have one at the house somewhere – maybe you can play for us later?" Renée looked hopeful.

"Sure, I'd love to," Jasper smiled at her.

"My Bella has lots of experience looking after someone who's trying to figure herself out, don't you, baby?"

"Um, yeah, Mom." I narrowed my eyes at her but she didn't take the hint.

"She's so good at taking care of people, even Charlie. And you already have your house, baby, so at least you wouldn't have to worry about where to Iive, like you and your old mom sometimes did." Shock overrode all of my other feelings when I realized she sounded wistful. Maybe her memories of the weeks we stayed at a cheap motel when I was ten, barely getting by on Charlie's child support checks, were more romantic than mine were.

"And then I got lucky with Phil, who puts up with all of my whims." She smiled brightly at Phil before stabbing at her salad. "It doesn't matter to him that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up."

I could feel Jasper tensing next to me and he removed his hand from where it had been resting on my leg. I glanced at him but he was staring straight ahead at Renée.

"So you take your time and get it right, Jasper. My baby won't mind."

"Renée!" I glared at her openly when she looked at me.

Phil must have noticed my displeasure at the conversation because he stepped in quickly. "What time do you have to leave the house tomorrow to make your flight?"

Jasper relaxed as we finished our meal. He and Renée chatted about what songs she wanted him to play while Phil paid the bill.

Phil managed to locate Renée's guitar when we got home and Jasper entertained her for over an hour, playing almost everything she threw at him. He seemed to be enjoying himself, but I could tell something wasn't quite right. His glances toward me were infrequent and his singing didn't sound as heartfelt as usual. Since Renée had never heard him before, she couldn't hear the difference. But it became more and more clear to me that something was wrong.

Our flight was scheduled for early Tuesday, so we excused ourselves around 10:00. As I was leaving the living room, Renée pulled me aside. She waved Jasper on ahead without me.

She looked at me fondly for a moment before speaking. "Baby, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you." She pulled me into a tight hug.

When she finally released me, I stepped back to take in her face. "Why?"

"You're on your way to a wonderful career that you'll love – I would never have the dedication you have. You're so independent, I know I never have to worry about you. You are certainly Charlie's daughter." She pushed back some hair that was brushing my cheek. "And you've found a wonderful man. Bella, he's really perfect for you. And he loves you a great deal. I'm so excited for you."

I started at the "L" word. That hadn't yet come up between Jasper and me. I'd been thinking it for the past few weeks, but I hadn't said anything. Part of me was embarrassed to be the one to say it first. A larger part of me was worried that it would take Jasper longer than seven months to be able to love someone other than Alice. I was happy to wait for him, but I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of humiliating myself.

"Why do you say that, Mom?"

"Oh, the way he watches you when he thinks no one is looking. The way he talks about you when you're not listening." She was smiling at me tenderly. "He's lucky to have you and he obviously knows it."

She pulled me into another long hug before wishing me good night.

"What did your mom want?" Jasper asked, as we got ready for bed.

"To wish us well on the trip and say some embarrassing Renée sorts of things."

He nodded and I was surprised when he didn't push the matter. I assumed he'd tease me until I caved about what she'd said. I was thankful he didn't, but I knew it was an indication that something was still bothering him.

I hoped he would talk to me about it before we went to sleep. Our communication, which was alternately intensely open and ridiculously timid, had been better since my birthday. We had definitely learned from that debacle. I was disappointed when he still hadn't said anything about whatever it was by the time we turned off the lights.

Jasper pulled my back to his chest in our standard sleeping position but I could feel that he wasn't at all relaxed. His arm around my waist was stiff and when I ran my hand down his arm, his hand was nearly in a fist. The scent of the aloe we had slathered on each other's sunburns swirled around us and I took a few deep breaths while waiting for him to calm down. After a few minutes, it was evident that wasn't going to happen.

I spoke into the dark. "Jasper, what's wrong?"

I felt him shrug against me. I freed myself from his arms and rolled to face him.

"Jasper..." Luckily, it didn't take much prodding.

"I was just thinking about what Renée said."

"Well, don't be ridiculous. I love my mother, but you can't take what she says seriously." I thought back to the brief conversation ten minutes ago and more than half-hoped I was wrong. I rubbed the top of his hand, which lay between us on the sheets.

"She's right, though, Bella. I know she didn't mean it like she said it, but it's true. I don't want to be stuck running numbers my whole life. And while I'm in the house with Rose, I have some freedom. But if you and I were to..."

"Were to what?" My stomach was tightening nervously. We hadn't talked about _anything_ like this.

"If we got more... serious... I couldn't expect you to support me while I wandered aimlessly. And I'm sure as fuck not going to rely on my parents, before you suggest that."

"I wasn't going to suggest that," I said softly. "And you wouldn't have to."

He either ignored or didn't hear me – I'd bet on the former – and rolled onto his back. "Maybe I should stick with my dad's company, like Renée said. It's stable even with the shit economy, the money is fine, the hours are predictable."

"But you don't love it." I picked up his hand and threaded my fingers through his.

"Who says you always have to love what you do?"

"Hey, you're too young to say crap like that."

"Is this just you trying to take care of someone again?"

"That's not fair." I pulled my hand away. "It wouldn't just be 'taking care of you.' I lo-" A steely shiver ran through me as I caught myself just in time. Renée's words were running around my head and my mouth had obviously gotten ahead of my brain.

Jasper turned his head slowly on his pillow. A slow smirk spread across his lips. "What was that?" he asked, his voice low.

"Uh." Dammit, Renée.

He shifted himself so he was closer, practically on top of me, and pushed my shoulder until my back was on the bed. "Babe... what were you going to say?" He hovered over me, eyebrows raised.

"Um, nothing?" I stared at him, willing the past forty-five seconds to go away before I melted into the bed in mortification.

"Are you sure?" He leaned on one elbow and slid the other hand under the bottom of my shirt. His fingers lightly grazed my side.

I yanked at his arm, trying to stop the tickling assault before it started. I couldn't budge him, of course, but he held his fingertips just above my skin, not quite touching me.

"No tickling if you just 'fess up."

I grabbed the pillow beneath my head and covered my face. Maybe if I held out long enough, Jasper would forget or fall asleep.

The pillow was suddenly gone and I heard a quiet _thwump_ as it hit the wall.

"Isabella," he said softly, "why are you embarrassed?" His tone was no longer teasing, just gentle and sweet.

"I don't know." And I didn't, really. Even if he wasn't ready to say it back, he wouldn't do anything to make me regret how I felt. I was filling my lungs, readying to exhale the depths of my devotion, when he spoke again.

"Would it help if I say it first?" He kissed me softly, lingering for a moment, and then pulled back.

"Say what?" I whispered. My heart was confused, alternately racing and stuttering; I hoped it would decide how it felt before it exploded in my chest.

"That I love you, Bella."

My heart finally gave up and just stopped, the silence in the room italicized by the sudden absence of its loud beating in my ears.

I pressed my hand to my chest. "Yeah?" I breathed, when I was confident I could speak.

"Yes." He traced my lips with a fingertip and then pushed my hand out of the way so that he could cover my body with his. "Very much."

"Me, too. I love you, Jasper."

"Yeah?" he responded, his eyes shining in a ray of pale light from the window.

"Yeah." I laughed, relieved and happy. I tugged on his t-shirt. "Come here."

He relaxed over me, his earlier tension gone and forgotten.

I stuck to my guns about no extracurricular activities under Renée's roof, but we intertwined our bodies as tightly as we could. I slept deeply in a cocoon of warmth that had nothing to do with Phoenix's dry heat and everything to do with the man wrapped around my body and heart.

* * *

**Remember, smart decisions!**

**If you're looking for something to read and haven't already found it, LaViePastiche's _Son of a Preacher Man_ is more than worth your time.**

**The first round of voting for the Indie Twific awards opens Thursday, July 9 at noon. Many, many incredible fics were nominated. Go vote for your favorites!**

**See you Sunday for 16 :) **


	16. A Cowgirl Is Nervous

**Legna makes everything better. Particularly me.**

**I don't own a cowgirl or cowboy. They own each other.**

* * *

_**In Which a Cowgirl Is Nervous but Saddles Up Anyway**_

I stood next to my bed, watching my boyfriend sleep soundly. I looked at the clock. 12:15. In the afternoon. He had gotten up with me at 8:00 but then begged off going to kickboxing; he said he just wasn't feeling it. When I got home at 10:30, I had found him upstairs, asleep. Given the lack of fresh coffee in the kitchen, I guessed he had come up shortly after I left, if not the minute I locked the door behind me. In the almost two hours I had been home, there had been no sign he had so much as moved a finger. At one point, I had even put my hand on his back, just so I could feel him breathing.

I didn't care and it wouldn't ordinarily matter – everyone was entitled to some good catch-up sleep now and again. But three things were bothering me.

First, despite the fact that yesterday was Halloween, we'd done nothing but pass out candy to kids. We'd gone to bed at 11:00 and hadn't even engaged in any extracurricular activities before falling asleep.

Second, Jasper was one of the rare guys I'd met who hated to sleep in on the weekends. He felt he was wasting precious free time. He was often the one to drag me out of bed early on a Saturday to go for a ride and get coffee at a café an hour away. The ridiculous hour of our hike in Arizona came to mind.

And third, this was the second weekend in a row he had done this.

The things that Emmett had told me back in August were reverberating around my head so fast I was dizzy.

Ever since we'd returned from Phoenix three weeks ago, Jasper had been a little off. I had brought it up once, but he'd blamed it on a particularly irritating day at the office. Before I could call bullshit, he'd changed the subject.

Then there had been the disturbing incident a couple of Fridays ago. We had gone out to dinner, which we rarely did, at a restaurant near Jasper's house. It was a place he'd been wanting to take me for some time. We were walking back to the car after eating when someone yelled across the parking lot.

Jasper stiffened after looking around, but kept walking. He tightened his hold on my hand.

The guy called again. It sounded like he was saying "wit."

"Shit," Jasper muttered before throwing me an expression I couldn't quite read. Apologetic? Pissed?

"Is he calling you?" When I looked up at Jasper, we slowed enough that the guy was able to catch up to us.

"Whit, long time, no see, man." The guy held out his hand to Jasper and Jasper shook it. "Where you been? Haven't seen you at the gym lately."

"Yeah, I changed gyms actually."

Wit... Whit? From Jasper's middle name, Whitlock? I didn't remember ever hearing anyone call him that.

"This your girl?" the guy asked.

"Yeah. We were just headed home."

"Jim," the guy introduced himself, when it became obvious Jasper wasn't going to. He put out his hand.

I took it tentatively. "Bella."

"Bella. Indeed," Jim said. He then looked me over in a way that would have turned me scarlet if I hadn't been so confused. I inched closer to Jasper just as he put his arm around me. I wasn't much for guys being overprotective jackasses, but Jasper could play knight-in-shining armor all he wanted; the look Jim gave me was creepy.

"Hey, I have something of yours. My car's right here." He jogged away from us and pulled open the passenger door of a very nice Mercedes. He dug around in the glove box and then turned back to us with something in his hand. He handed it to Jasper.

I leaned in to look at the object in Jasper's hand. I was shocked to see it was his old cell phone, the one he'd lost back in July.

The night had shown up at my house high.

I shivered in the dark and pulled my jacket around me more tightly. Jasper squeezed my arm.

"Thanks, man," Jasper said as he pocketed the phone.

"I would have given it to you earlier, but I didn't see you again after that night. Look, you still have my number, if you want to hang out sometime?" Jim gave me a strange look. "Bring your girl."

"Yeah, sure. See you around." Jasper took my hand again and all but dragged me to his car. He didn't waste any time getting us out of the parking lot.

I watched Jasper as he drove. His jaw was tight and he was tapping his thigh with the hand not gripping the steering wheel.

"Whit?" I said the name cautiously, afraid of whatever answer Jasper would give to the questions I hadn't asked.

He gave me a long look. "Really, Bella?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head and turned my attention to the road. That was the end of the conversation.

Neither of us had mentioned it since it had happened, but I wondered if that was part of whatever was clearly eating at him.

I placed a cup of coffee on the bedside table for him and walked around to my side of the bed. From this side, I could see his face. He looked so relaxed, I hesitated, one knee on the mattress. But if I didn't do this now, I knew I'd spend another week trying to get up the nerve.

I lay down next to him.

"Babe?" No response. I waited a few seconds before trying again. "Jasper?"

This time he stirred a little and slowly started to open his eyes. I rubbed his back while he blinked a few times.

"Hi," I said when his eyes focused on me.

"Hey. What's up?" He gave me a small smile.

"Nothing. Just thought I'd come check on you. See if maybe you'd want some company."

He nodded against the pillow but closed his eyes again.

I held the back of my hand to his forehead and then his neck as Renée had always done when I was little.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking to see if you're warm. I thought you might be coming down with something."

"What makes you think that? I feel fine." He rolled onto his back, away from my hand, but kept looking at me.

"You've been asleep for awhile."

"It's the weekend."

"Yeah..." He was already getting touchy. I took a deep breath. "But you've been sleeping a lot lately. In general."

"Work's been a bitch. End of fiscal year shit still rolling in."

"Yeah, that's what you said."

"You don't believe me?"

"Jasper... Of course I believe you."

"Then what's the problem?" His voice was low and I could hear an edge of irritation creeping in. I didn't have much time before this went to hell.

I sat up and angled myself so I was facing him. "I know something's been bothering you lately. I thought you might want to talk about it."

"Nothing's been bothering me."

"Jasper, please give me some credit for knowing you better than that. You've been sleeping a lot, you haven't been going to the gym, you haven't been..." I bit my lip.

"Haven't been what?" Jasper finally sat up next to me and tugged on his t-shirt to straighten it.

"You haven't been interested in sex very much." I grimaced. I didn't expect him to be a hormonal teenager, but I was used to us being physical more than once a week. It had now been six days. Not that I was counting.

"A guy's not allowed to just want some down time? I'm not upset about anything, Bella. There's nothing wrong."

He turned and got off the bed, picking up the coffee I'd left for him before leaning against my dresser to watch me.

"Please ta-"

"Should I thank Emmett for this?" he cut me off.

"What?"

"Is Emmett the one who put these ideas in your head? The sleeping, the sex... did he tell you what to 'look for'?" he asked snidely.

"I-"

"When you two were huddled together in the backyard like a couple of old women, a couple of months ago, is this what you were talking about?"

I couldn't believe he remembered that, but I wasn't surprised he had known what we were discussing. I remembered his too casual, "What're you two talking about?" when he'd joined us.

"I was just worried that if you were ever... upset about anything, I wouldn't know what to look for." I still had a hard time using the word "depressed" with him. Right now, I wasn't sure if it might make the situation worse.

"What did Emmett tell you?"

I shrugged. "Not much else... he said you'd sleep a lot, keep to yourself, not really want to do anything..." I decided not to share Emmett's information about what he'd be like if he was involved with drugs again. I could tell by Jasper's posture that he was getting angry, although he didn't say anything.

"If you won't talk to me," I started, "maybe you could talk to him?"

"What, so he can turn around and tell you everything I say?"

"Christ, Jasper, give us a break. Emmett and I both love you and just want to make sure you're okay."

We were quiet as Jasper drank his coffee and I watched him. I pulled my knees to my chest. The whole scene was so eerily similar to what had gone on here back in July before we'd slept together for the first time that I shivered with the déjà vu. Instinct told me this wouldn't end quite the same way.

"Maybe..." I hesitated, knowing my next suggestion wasn't going to go over well, but crossing my fingers anyway. "You could talk to Carlisle? See about getting your medication adjusted?" We were in new territory here. I had seen Jasper take whatever he was taking more than once, usually in the morning, as he was getting ready. But we'd never talked about it. I remembered what Alice had said to me at the party, and what Jasper had told me himself, about his medication levels sometimes needing to be adjusted, or the drug changed entirely.

"Fucking Emmett," Jasper muttered.

"Don't blame Emmett for this. He and I haven't talked about anything like this since that night. You never did see Carlisle back in September. Maybe it would be a good idea." I hoped I didn't sound as patronizing as I felt... but I was already in it and figured I might as well go on. "Or if you don't want to talk to Carlisle, maybe you could go back to that therapist you really liked, the one you used to see?"

I didn't move from my spot on the bed although I really wanted to go up and touch him, hug him. Remind him that I loved him.

"Babe, please," I said.

Jasper turned to look out the window and I followed his gaze. It was difficult to watch him when he was clearly upset with me.

"Hey."

I looked back to him quickly. "Yeah?"

"Do you remember what you said to Alice right before she slapped you?"

Tiny cold goose bumps broke out along my skin. I nodded.

He raised an eyebrow, staring at me pointedly.

When I realized what he was implying, I felt as if he'd been the one to slap me. That was what I had been trying to avoid – sounding like Alice. That was why I hadn't said anything until now. I took a deep breath as I felt my eyes start to burn. "I... I thought you didn't hear anything we said?"

He shrugged and took another sip of coffee. "I thought you wouldn't be a meddlesome bitch."

I stared at him, speechless for several moments. Sadness tinged with anger surged in my chest. I wiped at my face with the back of my hand to clear the tears that were falling steadily. "That's not fair."

"None of this is fair, Bella." He put down his mug and picked up his jeans from my desk chair. He pulled them on over his boxers and then gathered his wallet and phone and shoved them in his backpack. "I'm heading home. I could use some alone time."

"But-"

"Alone, as in just me." He looked at me once more before slinging his backpack over his shoulder and turning to leave. Before I could move, he was through the door and pulling it closed behind him. I listened, waiting for the front door to slam, but didn't hear it. Maybe he was downstairs just cooling off. I'd give him a few minutes before I followed.

A moment later, the quiet rumble of the Audi's engine broke the silence.

I hastily stumbled off the bed and got to the window just in time to see him turn the corner at the end of my street.

I pressed my forehead to the glass and let the tears come in quiet sobs.

_Fuck_.

. . . . . . . .

I stood at the window for fifteen minutes, debating what to do. I could let him go home, lock himself in his room, have his alone time. When he was feeling better, he'd be calmer and hopefully we could talk about this more reasonably. But what if he didn't feel better? I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors if I ignored this and it only got worse.

I eyed my cell on my bedside table. I could call Emmett. Emmett would _want_ me to call him. Maybe Jasper would talk to him, despite what he'd said. It would be so easy to let Emmett take care of it.

The glass was cool against my skin as I stared outside at the falling sleet. It was still fall, but as soon as you hit November in Seattle, all bets were off with the weather. We'd be lucky to see the sun again before Christmas. I would need to get the tires on my truck checked before the winter settled in.

I wouldn't call Emmett. Or Carlisle. Jasper and I had to work this out together, just us. If this was ever going to go anywhere, we would have to learn how to deal with each other.

Fuck it, if he got madder at me, so be it.

I grabbed my jacket and headed for my truck.

I wasn't a fan of driving in inclement weather any more than I was of driving in rain at night, so my trip to Jasper's was slow going.

I had been to Jasper and Rose's house a few times when I had been dating Edward, primarily with Alice. I hadn't been there at all since he and I started dating. The inevitable confrontation with Rose was a strong deterrent, although I would have to get used to facing her, eventually.

Eventually. Assuming the next hour went okay.

I pulled into their driveway next to the Audi. It had crossed my mind that maybe he wouldn't really come here, so I was relieved to see the car. I hesitated. Maybe this was a lousy idea. He was only going to be more upset at me for following him. I could just turn around and head back home. Who knew if he'd even let me in?

I made my way carefully up their walkway and pressed the doorbell before I could chicken out. I was still contemplating leaving when the front door swung open. Rose stood there, glaring at me.

"What did you do now?" she sneered. I instinctively stepped back and almost lost my footing on the slick concrete.

"I, uh, I didn't do anything. I just want to see Jasper."

"Well, I'm pretty sure, given the way he tore in here, that he doesn't want to see you."

She moved to close the front door but I stepped forward and put my hand on it. "Please, Rose." I wasn't going to fucking beg her, but I sure as hell wasn't going to leave without seeing him or hearing from _him_ that he didn't want to talk to me.

"Rosalie, let her in."

I looked from Rose's angry face to see Emmett standing behind her. My stomach tightened when I saw how upset he looked. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him so distressed before. He was bouncing his cell phone in his hand. He stepped behind Rose and pulled the front door all of the way open. "Come in, Bella, before you fucking freeze."

I slipped in past Rose, murmuring my thanks. I slipped off my boots before looking at Emmett expectantly. He nodded toward the stairs leading to the second floor.

I was on the second step when I felt Emmett's hand on my shoulder. When I turned to look at him, we were almost eye level.

"What happened?" Emmett asked in a voice that matched his expression.

"What happened _here_?" I glanced around the hall but Rose had vanished.

"He came in, told me to mind my own fucking business, and went upstairs."

I sighed. "I'm sorry, Emmett. It came up, what you and I talked about at my house a few months ago."

"Is that all?"

I shook my head slowly.

Emmett exhaled forcefully and looked away for a minute.

"How bad? Scale of one to ten," he asked when he looked back at me. "Six?"

I didn't have any basis for judgment, but that seemed reasonable. "Yeah... six, I guess. So, you've noticed, too?" I felt an immense sense of relief to hear my fears confirmed – Jasper's behavior wasn't in my head – but the relief was quickly dampened by the reality of the situation.

"Yeah, I thought things were maybe okay when I didn't hear from you." He tossed his phone in the air again. "I was about to call you when you showed up, since it seems things are obviously _not _fucking okay."

"If he won't talk to me, will you try talking to him, please?"

"Any idea what's wrong?"

"Possibly something my mom said when we were in Arizona last month, but I don't know." I thought back to our last night in Phoenix. Jasper had never told me what was bothering him. I left out entirely running into Jim. If Jasper wouldn't talk to me now, I'd tell Emmett so he could mention it.

"Of course I'll talk to him. I think he'll let you in, though. And I'm going to stay right here for a little while," he pointed to the stairs below my feet, "just in case, okay?"

"Thanks, Em." I climbed the stairs and turned to give Emmett a half-hearted smile before I walked down the hall. He nodded before turning to sit down. I could hear Rose's noisy heels as she walked toward the front hall. I hoped she wasn't going to give Emmett a hard time. Of course, she would think this was all my fault and blame him for consorting with the enemy.

I stopped in front of Jasper's door and took a deep breath. I knocked slowly. "Jasper?" I couldn't hear any sounds coming from the room, not even him moving around. "Please let me in?"

Still nothing.

"Babe, I'm not leaving until I talk to you."

I wrapped my fingers around the cool doorknob.

"Jasper?" Panic was rising in me at the absolute silence from the other side of the door. I tried the doorknob and was surprised when it turned easily. I pushed the door open. All of the lights were off. Because it was so gloomy out, very little light was coming in around the edges of the shades drawn over the two windows in the room. I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

Jasper was sitting on the floor, his back against the side of his bed. His legs were pulled up, feet spread and flat on the ground, his arms draped across his knees. His head was bent down, and his forehead rested on his hands, which were clasped in the space between his knees.

The sheer desolation of the position tore through me, leaving pain and misery in the rent. I set my bag and jacket on the floor at my feet and crossed the room to him immediately. I didn't care if he was angry with me. I wasn't going to stand here and let him sit there alone, going through whatever he was going through. I dropped to my knees in front of him.

"Jasper," I whispered. He didn't move.

I gripped his hands and gently pulled them apart. I crawled forward until I was in the area between his thighs. My total invasion of his space forced him finally to look up at me. His irises looked bluer than usual – even in the low light, I could see that his eyes were red-rimmed, as mine likely were. Another scoot forward and I was about as close as I could get without his cooperation. I wrapped my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder.

Only our breathing disrupted the stillness of the room. I didn't know if it was helping him at all, but having him so close – even if he wasn't saying anything or even touching me voluntarily – eased some of the ache in my chest.

I turned my head so my lips were against his ear. "I love you," I whispered, "no matter what." It was then that he finally moved, putting his arms around me and pulling me forcefully into his body. He buried his face in my hair and didn't slacken his hold.

"Bella, I am so sorry about what I said."

"It's okay."

He turned his head slightly and pressed a kiss to my neck. "It's not okay. I was a dick."

"You were a dick, but I was a meddlesome bitch." My voice cracked on the last syllable, belying the calm I was trying to project.

"You weren't," he said. He put his hands on either side of my face and moved me until we were looking into each other's eyes. "I was so far out of line, you were only trying to help... I can't even believe you're here. Alice would have kicked my ass and not talked to me for three weeks."

"I'm not Alice," I said softly.

"I know you're not. What I said... it was such an asshole thing to say."

"Forget it." He opened his mouth to speak but I covered his lips with my fingers. "Seriously. But..." I pulled back and put some space between us. "Will you please..." I wasn't honestly sure what I wanted him to do. Talk to me? Emmett? A professional? I wasn't sure how much I could ask for before he blew up again.

"I'll talk to Carlisle," he said before I could continue.

I beamed at him.

"If that's all I need to say to get you to smile like that, I'll say it every day." He brushed my lips with his fingertips. "I feel kind of like I did a few years ago. I switched medications after that, so maybe that's what I need to do now."

"Thank you."

"You shouldn't have to thank me for that." He frowned as he ran his fingers long my jaw. "When I feel like this... it's hard to control how I react to things. Simple things turn into disasters; big things won't even be a blip on the radar. I wish you hadn't seen that."

"Hey," I tried to move closer to him, "I'm really glad I did. I need to be involved in this part of your life. I have to be able to deal with it, right?"

"Are you sure that's what you want, now that you've seen what kind of volatile asshole I can be?"

"I am absolutely sure." I leaned into him and rested my head under his chin. "No question."

"I may say other dickhead things." He slipped his hand under my hair and massaged my neck gently.

"I may be a meddlesome bitch."

"That's fair."

I shifted in his arms to get more comfortable – I was a fan of hardwood, but the thin rug he had next to the bed provided little cushion for my bony knees – and caught sight of something lying on the floor next to him. I reached forward to pick it up and almost dropped it when I realized what it was: his old cell phone – the one Jim had returned to "Whit" at the restaurant. Even if it didn't work, I imagined what it represented to him.

"What are you doing with this?" I held the phone up between us.

"Oh, nothing. It was just there."

"Jasper..." He must have heard the fear in my voice because he looked startled. "You weren't planning to call your _friend_, were you?"

"Whoa, no, I promise. Bella, seriously. I just... I don't even know." He picked up the useless phone and chucked it toward his trashcan, which was unfortunately on the other side of the room, metal, and empty. It clanged loudly in the quiet room as it hit the bottom, the hardwood floors amplifying the sound. Two seconds later, there was a voice through the door.

"Bella?"

"We're fine, Emmett," I called.

"You sure?" He sounded guarded. I hopped up and went to the door.

"Hey," I smiled up at him after pulling it open. "We're good."

He looked past me into the room and then back down at me. "Okay. Got things worked out?"

"We're working on it."

"Sorry about earlier, Em," Jasper said from behind me.

Emmett shrugged noncommittally.

"You don't have to hang out down there anymore. Go find Rose and do whatever ass-kissing you need to do," I said.

Emmett chuckled. "No shit. I'll be downstairs if you need anything, little sis."

"Thanks, Emmett."

Jasper was standing when I turned around. He held out his hand and pulled me onto the bed with him. "You didn't have anything planned for this afternoon, did you?" he asked as we settled into spoons on top of the covers.

"Just hanging out with my boyfriend," I said as I wiggled my way back into his chest.

"Good." He paused, his arm tightening around my waist. "I'm sorry that I shut you out."

"Don't be sorry, just-"

"Don't fucking do it again," we finished together, laughing quietly.

Now that I was feeling some relief that Jasper was going to talk to Carlisle, I realized how much tension I had been carrying during the last week or so. I hoped that whatever Carlisle diagnosed or prescribed would do the trick. But if it didn't, I thought we'd be able to talk about it more openly the next time.

I didn't regret the missteps we'd made in the past couple of months. Our relationship was still in the "new" phase and I knew that each one of those little issues was a learning experience that would only make us stronger in the end. I just hoped the next issue wasn't so big that we couldn't overcome it.

* * *

**For the fun I promised, chapter 17 will be up on Tuesday and 18 on Thursday. And, yeah, 19 on Sunday, as usual. You guys are going to be sick of me :)**


	17. All Is Fun in Love and Football

**Legna fixes my words and story. I wonder if she'll come beta my life?**

**I have some Twilight stickers (which are sadly lacking a "Team Jasper") somewhere but I don't own any of the stuff in this chapter.**

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**_In Which All Is Fun in Love and Football_**

"Bella, you know that if we'd gone to see the Sonics, we'd be warm right now, right?"

I looked at Angela. She had her furry hood pulled up and was shivering visibly. It was a little bit colder than usual for November – temperatures had been below average all month – but it wasn't _that_ cold. I chuckled and started to stand. "We could just go, Ange."

She threw up her hands. "No! You know Ben would be devastated! I think he wanted to buy Jasper flowers when he called about the tickets."

I settled back and put my feet up on the empty seat in front of me as I surveyed the stadium. We were just behind the 40-yard line at Quest Field, two rows from the turf. The players would be so close we'd almost be able to smell them, which didn't really seem that appealing, when I thought about it. When we'd arrived forty minutes ago and Ben had seen the seats, I think he nearly followed up the almost-flowers with an almost-marriage proposal to Jasper. The Seahawks were playing the Vikings, which made Ben particularly happy because his sister went to the University of Minnesota and he wanted to be able to give her a hard time when they lost.

"They've been gone awhile. They better hurry up or they're going to miss kick-off," Angela said, looking around. "Oh, speak of the devils."

"You rang?" Jasper pushed a paper cup and a tray of nachos into my hands as he sat down. "Cocoa, as requested. And breakfast."

I sipped at the cocoa while skeptically examining the yellow corn chips covered with cheese that was even yellower. "Who the hell eats nachos at 10 in the morning?"

Jasper waved his hand and I looked around. Almost all of the people I could see had some form of food or drink. Beers, sodas, candy, popcorn. There was one guy in the row behind us who had a hot dog in one hand and a hamburger in the other.

"Seriously?"

"It's football, babe. Gotta eat."

"I thought we were past bad nachos." I poked at the cheese with one of the chips.

"Hey, if it weren't for bad nachos..." He trailed off as he leaned into me, breathing warmth onto my freezing ear.

"Eh, it would have happened some other way." I shrugged.

He kissed me before sitting back. "You really think so?"

"Yeah. Fate and all of that bullshit, right?" I grinned at him.

"Ye-"

"This is not the time to be talking about fate, folks, let's get serious here." Ben was looking at us sternly. He pointed to the field. "Football now. Fate later. Unless you're talking about the fate of the Seahawks in the NFC this season."

"Hey, what's that?" I asked Angela. She had pushed her hood back and was now wearing a pink knit cap with the Seahawks logo on the front.

She giggled and tugged at it a bit. "Ben got it for me."

I started to turn around to lodge a formal complaint with the Department of Bad Boyfriends when everything went dark. I pushed at the cloth covering my eyes but someone moved my hands away.

"Stop twitching."

My vision was restored a moment later as Jasper adjusted what I assumed was a cap identical to Angela's over my head. I felt it and pushed my hair up under the edges.

"Thanks, babe!" It was my turn to lean across the armrest for a kiss. I took my time with this one, moving my lips slowly against Jasper's as he put one hand on my knee and slid the other one around my waist.

"Hey, none of that, either. Football, people!"

Angela snickered when I flipped Ben off over my shoulder.

I slipped my hands inside Jasper's unzipped jacket, running them down his chest until I reached the bottom of his shirt.

"Don't even think about it," Jasper mumbled against my lips.

"Mmm?" I drew the shirt away from his body.

He pulled away from me slightly and gripped both of my wrists with one hand. "Keep your cold little hands off me, Swan."

"But you're so _warm_." I tugged him closer and was throwing a little extra oomph into the kiss when a very familiar laugh sounded above us.

I broke away from Jasper and looked up to see Emmett and Rose standing at the end of our aisle.

Emmett was shaking his head. "Can't take you two anywhere."

"Thank you!" Ben said behind me.

Emmett was smiling; Rose was all but grimacing. Awesome.

"I didn't know you were going to be here, Jasper," she said.

"Yeah, Dad gave me the tickets two weeks ago."

"He didn't tell me." She frowned down at the tickets in her hand and looked up at Emmett.

"Play nice." He bumped her shoulder. "Where are we?"

She pointed to the other side of Ben. I stood up before they started to move. "You guys sit on the end, we'll shift down." I cocked an eyebrow at Angela and mouthed, "Help!" as I gathered my things. She laughed quietly as she pushed Ben down two seats.

Once we were all settled – Emmett next to Jasper and Rose on the aisle – I leaned forward. "Em, I don't know if you remember my friend Angela?" He stood up to shake hands with her and got into a discussion about today's game with Ben.

"Maybe I should switch seats with Ben so the boys are together," I said as Emmett and Ben loomed over us. Jasper's hand was immediately on my knee. He shook his head at me as he joined in the conversation.

I looked over at Rose, planning to say hi, but she was staring at the field, teeth visibly clenched. I decided to leave her alone.

The PA announcer interrupted the guys' in-depth conversation about the Vikings' possible offensive strategies when he started announcing the teams.

I leaned into Jasper. "Well, this should be fun," I said in a low voice.

He looked at me apologetically. "I had no idea. When Dad said he only had four tickets, I assumed he'd given the others to clients." He brushed my ear with his lips. "It'll be good, though, right? You've wanted to spend some time with Rose."

"Yeah, and it would be hard for her to bump me off in front of 60,000 people, I guess."

"There you go. Stay optimistic." He grinned before taking my hand and turning to ask Emmett something.

The first half of the game passed quickly, even though the Seahawks were struggling. I think Rose said five words, all to Emmett, and I felt bad that she wasn't having a good time. I knew that Rose loved football almost as much as she loved cars; it was probably killing her to sit there quietly.

"She seems really nice," Angela said in my ear.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, you're not trying any harder than she is." Angela had me there. I hadn't so much as attempted to say hi again. "How do you know she isn't waiting for you to make a move?"

"The last time Rosalie Hale waited for someone to make a move, FDR was in office," I muttered.

"What if she's just expecting you to be a doormat? Surprise her."

"What are you two whispering about?" Ben asked, leaning around Angela to look at our faces suspiciously. "I hate to mention it, but you _do_ know there's a game going on, right?"

Angela and I groaned. Ben was nothing if not very focused.

"Promise me you'll try. You can't hide from her forever," Angela whispered after elbowing Ben back into his seat.

"Yes, Ange, okay."

Just before halftime, I offered to make a beer and cocoa run.

Emmett stood up. "I'll go with you, B. I don't want you getting stepped on."

I smiled at Rose as I squeezed past her and was gifted a glare.

Extra awesome.

We got in line at one of the concession stands on the main concourse. Apparently, everyone else had the idea get a head start on halftime; the line was already long.

"Our boy seems good, huh?" Emmett asked. Even in the middle of a crowd, Emmett's size ensured a good-sized bubble of personal space around us.

"Yeah," I smiled up at him. "Really good."

After the mini-meltdown three weeks ago, Jasper had finally gone to see Carlisle. Carlisle had prescribed a new antidepressant that Jasper had luckily been able to start taking right away. Jasper had been worried about side effects – apparently he'd had problems with one of the medications he had tried in college – but so far he'd only had a little bit of nausea and no other issues. Everything was back to normal. Jasper's sleep schedule, his appetite – which I hadn't even noticed had waned – our sex life. During the past week, he'd gone to the gym four times, and we had gone to kickboxing together yesterday morning since we would miss today's class because of the game.

"Good. I've been keeping an eye out at home. I'm still sorry I didn't call you or talk to him myself." Emmett shook his head. "I know better than that."

"It's okay, Em." I squeezed his arm. "At least now I know what to look for and have a better idea how to deal with it."

"I guess. It's just been awhile since he's really been depressed. That I've seen, at least. Even after the breakup, he seemed okay. It's one of those things we never really talk about, which probably doesn't help him at all."

I nodded. I had wondered about that, about how comfortable Jasper felt talking to the others.

"You guys okay and everything? I know Alice really struggled with how to deal with him when he was like that."

We moved forward a few more feet in line. We'd be lucky to be back to our seats by the start of the fourth quarter.

"We're good. I was just surprised he was so..." I tried to think of the best word to use and then remembered who was on the other end of the conversation. "He was just such a dick."

"He's usually such a nice guy. That must have been unexpected."

I looked up at Emmett to see if he was being sarcastic and was surprised that he looked serious.

I shrugged. "He apologized."

"He better have. Nobody fucks with little sis." I think he would have ruffled my hair but my new cap was in the way so he settled for patting my back.

Our conversation ended there as we reached the front of the line and placed our orders.

The Seahawks mounted a comeback in the third quarter and we spent most of it on our feet, shouting with the rest of the crowd. I kept looking for ways to exercise Angela's advice with Rose, but couldn't seem to find an opening. Angela probably would have said I still wasn't trying hard enough. With ten minutes left in the fourth, the Seahawks were up 28-17 and all of our attention spans were starting to wane.

"You're sure about Thanksgiving, huh?"

"Yeah, I promised Charlie weeks ago that I would come home. Plus, I haven't seen him since the summer." I snuggled my head against Jasper's shoulder. "Someone's kept me occupied."

"No pressure or anything, but Helen's a little disappointed."

I groaned. Nothing like disappointing the boyfriend's mother.

"Just giving you a hard time, babe. She understands. But she hopes that maybe you'll consider Christmas."

I couldn't believe it was almost Christmas. When Jasper had mentioned, months ago, that he might want to bring me home for Christmas, it had seemed so far away – a distant day in a distant land. Now we were only weeks away from the start of a new decade. We'd already been together over four months, and it had been more than half a year since that rainy night Jasper had first shown up.

"I'll think about it," I teased. I knew there was a very strong likelihood I'd end up with him and his family. Renée and Phil had plans to travel, and Charlie and I would probably get our semi-annual bonding out of the way during the coming week.

A loud boo went up from the crowd and the scoreboard showed we had missed the Vikings scoring a field goal.

Jasper scowled at the field before turning back to me. "So... how long am I going to have to survive without you?"

"I'm leaving Wednesday morning, will be back Saturday afternoon, I think. So..." I held up my fingers to tick off the days. "We'll have Tex-Mex Tuesday – I think we're back to quesadillas – and then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday... So, four."

"Five, unfortunately. Grandparents Hale are coming in tomorrow and not leaving until Sunday. I think we're tied up with them Saturday night. I could try to sneak away."

"Like hell, Jasper." Rose was leaning over Emmett. "If I'm stuck there with Nana and her gardening tips and Papa and his war stories, so are you. I hate that I _still _can't bring Em," she grumbled. "I'm almost twenty-fucking-five!"

"Why can't you bring Emmett?" I looked at Jasper and was startled when Rose answered.

"Nana has this _thing_." Rose sighed. "She thinks we're still twelve years old and that it is 'wholly inappropriate,'" she affected a reasonable Texan twang, "'for young men and women to be so consumed with matters of the flesh.'"

"She did not say that," I said, laughing.

"She sure as fuck did," Emmett said. "I was there. We were..."

"Nineteen or twenty," Jasper added. "Emmett and Alice were both over during..."

"Something random..." Rose's eyebrows were drawn together. They were all quiet for a moment.

"Valentine's Day!" Emmett and Rose said together.

By this time, Angela was leaning forward to listen, too.

"Shit, that's right! Do you remember those roses that Dad bought that year?" Jasper asked.

"Oh god! I swore he bought them from one of those guys that hangs out at intersections," Rose groaned. "They were _awful_ and he bought five or six bouquets! Mom secretly thought they were hilarious. We laughed about them for ten minutes after Dad left the room."

I watched, fascinated. The three of them hadn't been like this around me since Jasper and I had gotten together, and I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Rose with her defenses down like this.

"Anyway, Helen had this _party_ for Valentine's Day. I didn't even understand it. But there was red crap everywhere, and smelly flowers and shit. So, Alice and I head over there for the festivities. We'd met the grandparents before, but Alice wanted to make a good impression, so she dressed us both up all nice and pretty, which was really fucking awesome, let me tell you." Emmett rolled his eyes.

"She did good, baby. You looked hot," Rose winked at him.

"Which is exactly what got you two in trouble, if I remember correctly," Jasper said.

Emmett groaned. "It would have been fine if the fucking lock on the door hadn't been broken!"

"Yeah, and maybe it would have been fine if you could have kept your pants on in the laundry room, of all places, jackass." Jasper punched Emmett's arm.

"She didn't _catch_ you, did she?" I gasped.

"Fuck yeah, she did," Emmett said, smirking. He reached over our heads to high-five Ben, who was snickering madly.

"Walked right in during the spin cycle." Rose's laughter was infectious and I heard Angela giggling behind me.

"I thought she was going to have a heart attack." Jasper was shaking his head. "And after that, no boyfriends or girlfriends allowed when Nana Lillian is around. Otherwise," he tapped my knee, "I would have asked you to join us this coming weekend. With crowds, like on Thanksgiving, it's no big deal. But when she has 'her twins' to herself, forget it."

"Be glad, Bella. The woman is a nightmare. Lovely, but a nightmare."

I was surprised that Rose had addressed me directly and I gave her a tentative smile, which – to my shock – she returned.

"So," she said, returning her attention to Jasper, "you are not getting out of dinner on Saturday, or brunch on Sunday. I'm not dealing with them alone."

"Fine, Rose. I won't be able to see you until Sunday night, then," he said to me.

I frowned.

"But," he continued, "I might have a surprise. So, stay tuned. And," he held up a hand to cut me off, "don't ask because I'm not telling. Stop pouting."

I giggled and turned my cheek to him for a kiss. I had learned that Jasper's variety of surprise was usually very fun. I was looking forward to Sunday already.

After the Seahawks sealed the win, the six of us hung out in our seats for a bit, waiting for some of the crowd to empty from the stadium and parking lot. We didn't talk about anything in particular, just made idle chit-chat and I was thrilled that it was so comfortable. After the breakthrough of the Valentine's Day story, Rose had left her fortress walls down. I didn't think she was ready for a Girls' Night with Angela and me, but at least she wasn't throwing socket wrenches at my head.

When we got to the parking lot, Ben thanked Jasper profusely for the tickets and invite. I hugged Angela and told her I would talk to her later in the week. They headed toward their car, waving as they walked away.

Emmett pulled me into a hug. "Travel safely, B. You had your truck winterized yet?"

"Charlie and I are going to have it done while I'm home."

"We'll miss you on Thursday," he said.

"Thanks, Em." I stepped away from him and turned to Rose. "Have a nice Thanksgiving, Rose. It was nice to see you." My mouth tacked the last bit on the end without consulting my brain; I waited for the rejection that was sure to ensue now that it was just the four of us.

"Yeah, maybe we'll see you guys here again. Bye, Bella." She hugged Jasper, and then they were off.

I blinked a couple of times. That was it? I quickly checked myself – I wasn't going to question it.

Jasper noticed my grin as we walked back to his car. "Feel better, babe?"

I nodded. I really did. What could have turned into a ruined afternoon for all of us had worked out nicely. I had even seen a glimmer of the Rose I had known two years ago - the one who hadn't hated me. We had never been best buddies, but until my breakup with Edward, we'd gotten along well enough more often than not. Maybe there was hope for a relationship with her after all. It would make getting her a Christmas gift less daunting if I thought she wouldn't throw it away as soon as she saw the tag.

"Good. I hate to see you unhappy. Traffic looks better; let's get out of here."

I thought about the irony of Jasper's words as I clicked my seatbelt closed. He was worried about _me_ being unhappy? He had no idea how his smile warmed me like the Audi's heated seats. I wanted to send Carlisle a fancy thank you note or maybe bake him a pumpkin pie. I knew I had at least one thing to be thankful for this year, and it had nothing to do with the Seahawks' victory.

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**Aww, Rose. Maybe she's finally warming up.**

**I had to take some liberties with the Seahawks' schedule.**

**Chapter 18 will be up on Thursday. See you then :)**


	18. There Is No One Home

**Legna owns me, including some of my words.**

**SM owns everything else, including some of my words.**

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**_In Which There Is No One Home_**

The week of Thanksgiving passed quietly. After a particularly enthusiastic good-bye to Jasper Wednesday morning, I made the trek to Forks. Charlie and I spent a leisurely few days catching up. Over Thanksgiving dinner, when I figured he'd be at his most receptive, I told him about Jasper. He didn't ask many questions, but got that Chief-of-Police look in his eyes and suggested I bring Jasper home to meet him as soon as possible.

During our conversation on Thanksgiving Day, Jasper told me that for Sunday's surprise, he was going to make me dinner at his place. Emmett and Rose were going out with some of her coworkers from the shop, and we would have the house to ourselves for most of the evening. I was looking forward to spending some time in his space. Even though the football game gave me some hope on the Rose front, I was going to hold off on making friendship bracelets for the time being. Maybe the next time I went over, it would be while she was there.

Jasper refused to tell me what he was preparing for dinner. He only said that it would be memorable, which he swore wasn't secret code for, "I'm going to have this catered when you're not looking."

Back at my house in Seattle on Sunday, I spent the first part of the day doing homework. I finished around 1:00 and toyed with the idea of heading over to Jasper's early to surprise him; the holiday-enforced separation wasn't sitting well with me, and the idea of spending Christmas with him was becoming more and more appealing, even if it meant dealing with Alice and Rose. But Jasper had said that he wasn't sure how long brunch with his grandparents would last. Apparently, Nana Lillian was a bit of a chatterbox, so it was impossible to guess when they'd be home. I did laundry instead, but was antsy all afternoon.

As I was getting ready to head to Jasper's, I texted him to ask if there was anything I could bring. When I didn't hear back before I left, I called on my way over, but still couldn't reach him. I considered trying the house phone but figured we could go back out together if he needed anything.

The garage door was open when I arrived around 7:00. Rose's car and the Audi were inside. I pulled up behind the Audi and hopped out. I rang the doorbell, humming "Wonderful Christmastime," which had been on the radio on the way over.

I rang the bell again when there was no answer after a minute. It wasn't snowing or sleeting, but that didn't mean I wanted to stand out here in the frigid weather any longer than I had to. Annoyed, I pulled my phone out and called Jasper again. No answer. I tried the house number and could hear it ringing through the front door. It stopped when the voicemail recording picked up in my ear.

When I stepped off the porch and turned to look at the house, I noticed that there were almost no lights on, even though the sun had set well over two hours ago. The security lights on the garage had come on when I pulled in, but the front porch lights and all but one of the lights on the first floor were dark. I thought I could see a little bit of light coming from Jasper's room on the second floor, but the streetlight behind me made it difficult to tell.

I opened my phone and made another call. Emmett's voicemail picked up and I left a short message asking him to call me if he knew where Jasper was.

I almost got in my truck and left then, figuring he had forgotten about our plans.

But... Jasper forget about plans? Not likely. Particularly not when this would be our first time alone at his house since we had started dating. I hadn't been able to wheedle out of him what he was planning for dinner, so I knew he was excited about it.

I walked into the garage to make sure the bike was there, just in case he'd had some crazy desire to freeze off his ass. It was parked right in front of the Audi, already covered for the winter.

There was no way Jasper would have walked to a store in the cold with three perfectly good vehicles at his disposal. And, regardless of the fact that he usually ran in the morning – and assuming he _hadn't_ forgotten about our plans – he knew what time I was coming over and wasn't likely to have gone for a jog in the dark. I stopped short when I remembered that he'd been running at night that first time he'd shown up at my house.

A cold feeling was starting to tighten my stomach and numb my fingers.

The door between the garage and house was locked when I tried it and I realized I had never tried the front door. I jogged back and, as I had expected, it didn't budge. I looked around the small front porch, searching anywhere they might have hidden an emergency key, but I didn't find one.

I walked around the side of the house toward the back. Thankfully, it had been somewhat dry the past couple of days and my feet weren't sinking into the cold ground. When I stepped onto the deck behind the house, automatic security lights came on and lit up the whole backyard. The blinds on the sliding glass doors on the deck hadn't been drawn and I could finally see into the house. The doors led to the living room, and I peered through the glass, trying to see any signs of movement.

I suddenly had an image in my head of Jasper lying, bleeding, on the kitchen floor. What if he'd hurt himself when he was making dinner and couldn't reach the phone? I pictured him in a pool of blood and my desire to get into the house grew twenty-fold. I unsuccessfully jiggled the handle of the sliding door. Charlie had warned me about poorly manufactured locks; it would only take a patient burglar to break in. However, it didn't work with this one. When I looked at the right half of the door, I saw there was a security bar in place. Even if I had slipped the lock, the door wouldn't have opened.

I ground my teeth in frustration. I started trying all of the windows, my panic level rising as the minutes ticked by. I got to the kitchen window but it was one of those half-windows above the sink, and I couldn't see in. I circled the house and found that all of the windows within my reach were locked. I was well aware that I would attract the attention of anyone who might drive by, but the whole street was eerily quiet.

I tried both Jasper and Emmett again, but didn't leave messages, and was frustrated when I realized I didn't have Rose's number.

After a complete assessment of the situation, I formed a couple of options. I could call 911 and let them work their secret door-breaking magic. But without knowing for sure that Jasper was actually in trouble and not just out with his sister, I couldn't justify doing that. I could only imagine the talk I'd get from Charlie if I called 911 unnecessarily. At the same time, he would want me to be proactive if I thought someone were in trouble. The alternative was to break into the house. Not a Charlie-approved method, either, but....

Jasper could be hurt_._ Or potentially worse. What if he'd had a delayed reaction to his new antidepressant? Scary scenarios ran through my head, accompanied by tiny warning alarms that made me shiver.

My best bet was going to be the sliding glass door. If I broke the glass in a window, I'd still have to crawl through it or get it open without cutting myself. With the door, it would be easier to do that without risking myself. I couldn't help Jasper if I sliced my femoral trying to be a hero. Also, it helped that the doors were at the back of the house. It would be much less likely that someone would see me and call the cops. Ah, the irony.

I looked around the deck, searching for an appropriate tool with which to break the glass. God, Rose was going to fucking _kill_ me for this. She would never talk to me again. She'd probably press criminal charges, as well. I wondered if Charlie would have to drive from Forks to bail me out.

I went to the garage to find something and tried Emmett again on the way. I almost threw my phone at the wall when he didn't answer. What the fuck was with people not answering their phones? I tried to rein in my anger but realized it was better than fear, so I let it flow. There was a big, red tool chest at the back of the garage – it was Rose's, given the rose decals along the sides – and I ripped open drawers looking for something suitable.

A huge, heavy wrench that was longer than my forearm caught my attention. If that didn't do the trick, I'd try to find a tire iron.

I went back to the backyard and stood in front of the door. The glass was double-layered. I was under no impression that this would be easy.

My hands were shaking badly by this point. All I wanted was for Jasper to show up on the other side of the door, hair rumpled, t-shirt wrinkly, apologetic for falling asleep and letting his phone battery die. I tapped the wrench against the glass a couple of times to try to understand what I was dealing with. I had never done anything like this and I wondered how badly it was going to hurt my hands. Hopefully my winter gloves would absorb some of the impact. The wrench pinged loudly against the glass with the gentle taps and I snuck another quick look around for neighbors; I didn't see any.

As I stepped back, I asked myself if I really wanted to do this. I quickly calculated what I had in my savings account for the school year and knew I'd be able to cover the cost of the door and its replacement. But... was it too crazy? When I didn't even _know_ if anything was wrong?

I took one last glance at the back of the house to see if any additional lights had come on while I'd been out here. Hefting the wrench like a baseball bat, I decided that nothing was too crazy if Jasper might be in trouble. It was just a door. I turned as if I was waiting for a pitch, took a deep breath, and swung.

Figuring it was the shortest distance to what I needed – the lock on the inside of the door – I aimed for the glass just to the right of the latch. I felt a surge of adrenaline as I brought the wrench forward.

The wrench hit the glass with an ear-ringing clang. I felt the contact vibrations run right up my arms to my back. I shrieked, not expecting the pulsing pain, and dropped the wrench to the deck, narrowly missing my feet. I stumbled back and ran into the railing. I took a second to collect myself and then went to inspect the damage. There was none. I screamed into the night in frustration but picked up the wrench again. I'd go for the center and swing harder.

This time I was expecting the vibrations that traveled through me and was able to keep my grip on the wrench. The center turned out to be more vulnerable than the edges and a small webbing of cracks appeared. I stepped back and prepared to swing again.

I swung five times, thankful for my kickboxing and running regiments. If I hadn't had strength and stamina from those, I was sure I'd have been on the ground after the first two hits. As it was, I was breathing heavily and sweating by the time the door was cracked enough that I thought I was getting somewhere. I threw my jacket onto a deck chair when I started to feel like I might overheat.

Tiny bits of glass fell around my feet as I used the wrench to clear out the shattered safety glass from the first pane of the door. I kicked them aside so I wouldn't slip. When I had the first pane of glass mostly clear, I stepped back to lather-rinse-repeat with the second layer. I cursed the Hales for not having a cheap door.

The second pane took five hits as well. Even though I knew what I was doing, my body complained at the exerted effort. I was going to be in a lot of fucking pain tomorrow. I briefly thought that Jasper had better _not_ just be out with Emmett, but took it back right away. If he was in there, the noise I was making would have woken him up. I shook my head to clear it and worked at knocking out the second pane.

I slipped my hand through the jagged glass near the handle and was able to slide open the now very-damaged screen door that lay beyond the second layer of glass. I kicked in the remaining shards until I had made a hole big enough to accommodate my body. Slipping through, and being careful of the sharp edges, I was thankful for once that I was small. Panting and finally standing in the living room, I stopped for a moment to catch my breath. Jasper and I would have to talk about investing in a duplicate key or two from Home Depot.

"Jasper?" I called. Utter stillness was my repayment for breaking and entering.

The wrench made a dull _thud_ when I dropped it and my gloves before I went to the kitchen, the scene of most of the grisly images that had been whirling through my head. The lights were off and I searched the wall for a switch. When I finally found and flipped it, I was surprised to see that it looked like no one had been in the kitchen in days. Aside from a cereal box on the counter, there wasn't a single sign of recent use. No half-prepared dinner, no smells of cooking, no boyfriend lying on the floor bleeding. Nothing. What the fuck?

I walked to the front hall. Dim light from a room ahead and kitchen behind lit the way. Dread filled me as a whole host of new fears painted my imagination. _Please let him be with Emmett_. I hoped like hell I had just slipped his mind. I could be mad about it later.

On a table at the foot of the stairs, I saw why Emmett hadn't answered any of my calls. A cell phone that I recognized as his sat next to a wallet, apparently forgotten. One mystery down.

I jogged up the stairs, calling Jasper's name. Silence taunted me.

His bedroom door was open. A tiny light on his desk accounted for the light I thought I could see from the outside. I flipped the light switch by the door and entered the room.

Jasper wasn't there, but my eyes were drawn to a mess of things on the floor. I stepped toward the bed and my pulse thundered in my ears I realized what I was seeing.

Pictures from Charlie, research on the internet.... I had no firsthand knowledge, but I recognized the paraphernalia associated with drug use immediately. I focused on the lighter, syringe, and spoon, and knew we weren't talking cocaine.

If he wasn't in here, and he left this on the floor where anyone could find it....

In what felt like slow motion, I gathered what energy I had and sprinted out of the room. Rose's bedroom had its own bathroom, but Jasper used the guest bathroom on this floor. I stumbled as I reached it, but managed to pull myself up short before I crashed into the wall.

The bathroom was L-shaped. Standing in the hall, looking in, the sink was straight ahead. If you walked in and turned left, the toilet was on the right, the shower against the far wall.

I froze outside the bathroom door, eyes glued to the floor in front of the sink. Glued to the still, bare foot and calf of my boyfriend. I'd solved the mystery of his location but felt no satisfaction as the delusion of him drinking with Emmett crashed down around me. I walked into the bathroom, his name on my lips. As I moved closer, my eyes moved across him. His other leg came into view. His hips, his arms. I stopped, looking down at what lay before me.

Then my traitorous body, just when I needed it most, gave up on me. All the way from my brain, which stopped processing as soon as I rounded the corner, to my heart and lungs – which must have decided they weren't needed if my brain wasn't – to my legs, which wobbled once and then collapsed beneath me. The thud of my knees hitting the tiled floor jarred me alert. I was able to consciously turn my head away from Jasper and myself so that when I heaved up my lunch a second later, it mostly hit the tiled floor instead of us.

I closed my eyes while my body retched. I pretended I was in Phoenix, young and feverish, Renée wiping my forehead and telling me everything would be okay.

After the spasms in my stomach and throat stopped, I remained on my hands and knees for another moment. I knew that once I opened my eyes, any wish that this was a daydream or nightmare or horrific fantasy would be shattered like the glass door.

I slowly sat back on my knees and opened my eyes.

The overwhelming stench of vomit and blood hit me hard as all of my senses suddenly awoke.

Jasper was lying partially on his back, partially on his side. It was obvious that he had attempted to throw up in the toilet – the lid was up – but vomit, which was splattered across the toilet and floor, indicated he hadn't quite made it. That was the first thing I focused on.

The second thing was the blood. If I hadn't known who I was looking at – if I had come across this scene in a random house – I never would have recognized him. The left side of his face was pressed to the tile next to the bathtub, and the right side – the only part of his face that I could see – was covered in blood. From where I was, I couldn't tell where it was coming from. It ran down his forehead toward the ground, across his cheek, back into his hair.

Biting my lip hard to fight off the bile rising in my throat, I finally started to move.

I crawled forward so I was by Jasper's chest. The bathroom wasn't big and I was wedged pretty well in between his body and the toilet. I ignored the vomit I was kneeling in and tried to ignore the smell, which would overwhelm me if I let it. Tears threatened my vision, but I fought them back. I didn't need anything else working against me right now.

I picked up Jasper's arm at the same time that I bent my ear to his lips. My fingers fumbled over his cold skin, searching for a pulse while I listened for any sounds of breath. I was rewarded almost instantly with both, although his breathing sounded labored and weak. The relief I felt was so overwhelming that the tears I'd been holding back since I had broken the door poured forth in body-wracking sobs. It was all I could do not to collapse next to Jasper, but that wasn't an option.

Knowing that he was at least alive, I began searching for the source of the blood. I quickly discovered a gash on his forehead above his right eyebrow. My brain was in no place to play CSI so I couldn't begin to understand what had happened. I reached up and grabbed a small towel from the rack by the shower. After wiping some of the blood from his face, I pressed it gently to his head.

"Jasper? Can you hear me?" I shook his shoulder very gently as I held the cloth to his face. Maybe he was right on the edge of consciousness and he'd wake easily. I said his name a couple more times, being careful not to jar his head too much in case his neck was injured, but he didn't so much as twitch.

I estimated two minutes had passed since I walked into the bathroom. With Jasper unresponsive, I had a decision to make and I had to make it fast. In any other situation in which I walked into a bathroom and found my boyfriend lying on the floor covered in blood and vomit, I would have called 911 immediately. But I was clearheaded enough to realize that there could be ramifications of the drug use. I vaguely remembered Charlie talking about overdose cases, so I knew there had to be police involvement at some point. I wished I'd paid more attention to the few stories he had shared over the years. I thought of calling him but there was no way I could play this off as a hypothetical situation. He would hear the truth in my voice.

There was really only one thing I could do. I backed away from Jasper, and got to my feet. I jogged down the hall and descended the stairs. As soon as I touched Emmett's cell phone, I had it open.

I scrolled quickly through his contacts, hoping the names were straightforward.

Right there, under "D," was the number I needed. I pressed "send" and hurried back to the bathroom.

Carlisle answered after two rings.

"_Hey, son."_

"Carlisle, it's Bella," I choked out, my throat tightening around the words, making it almost impossible for me to continue speaking.

"_Bella? What's wrong?"_

"Jasper." I dropped to the ground beside him, my fingers frantically searching for the pulse in his neck, making sure I hadn't missed anything in the seconds I had been gone.

"_Bella, I need you to calm down and tell me what's going on. Can you take a deep breath? Is Emmett with you?"_ Carlisle's voice had taken on a firm, controlled tone that I welcomed. Finally, someone to take charge of the situation. I wasn't good at running a room – that was Jasper's specialty; he would have known exactly what to do without having to call for help. I sat back for a moment and closed my eyes. I couldn't help Jasper if I couldn't even communicate. I took a deep breath through my mouth and tried to center myself.

I could hear Carlisle calling my name through the phone.

"Okay, I'm okay. Emmett and Rose aren't home," I said, when I was almost positive I had my shit together.

"_Bella, tell me what's happening with Jasper."_

I opened my mouth and let the words that had been whispering through my brain since I had seen what was in his bedroom spill out.

"I think... I think he might have overdosed." I took a deep breath and continued. "And it looks like he hit his head. I really don't know what happened."

I told Carlisle what I saw. I explained the blood and the cut and the vomit. I told him I'd checked both his pulse and his breathing and that both were present although weak. I described his clammy, cold skin and included every other detail I thought was important.

"_Bella, did you call 911?"_

"No. I... wasn't sure what to do."

"_You are going to need to call them very soon but I need you to do two things for me first. Okay?"_

"Yes, okay."

"_First, I need you to check his pupils and tell me what they look like. Both eyes. Can you put me on speaker so that you can use both of your hands?"_

I located the tiny speaker button and pressed it. The ground was so covered with gore there wasn't a place for me to put Emmett's phone, so I pulled down another towel and set it on that.

I carefully wiped blood from Jasper's eyelids with the first towel. Using the pad of my thumb, I gently pulled up his left eyelid. His pupil looked as I'd expected but I was not prepared for the grief that seized me at the sight of his vacant blue eye staring at nothing. It was too much, way too much....

"_Bella?" _Carlisle's voice snapped me out of it.

I quickly checked his right eye. "His pupils are pinpoints, Carlisle."

"_Thank you. Now, I need you to make sure his airway is clear. Do you think you can do that?"_

"Yes, just tell me what to do."

Carlisle described how to sweep out Jasper's throat the best I could to make sure he didn't aspirate vomit while he was unconscious or when he came to.

"Okay, I'm doing it now."

I tried to keep my mind unfocused as I followed Carlisle's instructions. I thought to myself that Jasper was going to owe me a year of backrubs for this, as I stuck my fingers down his throat and hoped I didn't gag him. I wasn't sure how well I would handle him actively throwing up in my lap. Although, if that meant he was awake, I would deal with it.

When I thought he should be able to breathe freely, I let Carlisle know.

"_I need you to hang up and call 911, or you can stay on the line with me if there is another phone you can use. I am going to meet you at the hospital. I will probably arrive there before you."_

"I can call them; I think I'm okay now." I was still shaky, but knowing that Carlisle would be there when we arrived, and that an ambulance would be here minutes after I called was helping to steady me.

"_Bella...."_ I was surprised to hear hesitation in the tinny voice from the phone's speaker. _"You said 'overdose' and I am inclined to agree. I assume you had a reason to say that."_

I was suddenly more alert than I had been since I'd broken into the house. I could hear the unsaid words in Carlisle's statement.

"Yes."

"_Do you know which drug?"_

"Yes."

"_You will need to tell the paramedics exactly what you suspect so that they can treat Jasper properly."_

"Okay."

"_Your word should be enough for them to go on."_

"Okay." I knew Carlisle was toeing a thin and dangerous line between being a physician, bound by the Hippocratic Oath, and being a friend. I knew he considered Jasper part of his family, but I also knew he would never compromise his ethics. I wouldn't ask him to. "I understand."

Translation: Hide the drugs.

"_Call 911 now, Bella. I will meet the ambulance. Are you okay for me to hang up?"_

"I'm good. Thank you, Carlisle."

"_You're doing fantastic, Bella. I'll see you soon."_

I hit "end" and pressed the four keys I needed. The response on the line was immediate.

"_9-1-1, what is your emergency?"_

"My name is Bella Swan and I think my boyfriend overdosed."

I gave the operator the information I had given Carlisle about what I had observed. I told her I had cleared his airway and tried to stop the bleeding on his forehead.

"_I am dispatching an ambulance as we speak, Bella. They should be there in three minutes. Do you want to remain on the line until they arrive?"_

I declined, saying I had to go downstairs to let them in. She didn't ask if I was on a cordless phone.

As soon as she hung up, I got up from the bathroom floor and walked back to the bedroom, hating with every step that I was leaving him alone. Three minutes wasn't very much time.

I stared at the collection of things on the floor in Jasper's room. I felt myself kick into detached problem-solving mode as I thought about what to do. Leaving it here in his room seemed like a bad idea – what if the police came in and searched? I didn't know how it worked with OD cases. Could Jasper be arrested at the hospital for possession? That could be the reason for Carlisle's warning. I didn't want to leave the drugs anywhere else in the house and risk getting Rose in trouble.

I went back to my bag in the hall and sifted through it. I pulled out a pencil pouch that I had with me for school. It was filled with pens, pencils, markers... a student's tools. I knelt on Jasper's floor and emptied the pouch onto the ground. I carefully picked up everything incriminating. Q-tips and lighter, the tiny balloons, the used syringe. I wiped off the spoon with a Kleenex. I slipped it all – a druggie's tools – carefully into the pouch, including the Kleenex. I wound up Jasper's belt and put it in his dresser with his socks. I threw the empty Dixie cup into the trash.

As I swept the area to make sure I had everything, I spotted Jasper's backpack. I dug through the bag and found three more syringes – one of which looked used. I added them to the pouch. A quick skim through his bedside table, desk, and bureau revealed nothing else. My tears were falling steadily again and soaking the top of my shirt and sleeve as I tried to wipe them away. As I stuffed pencils and markers back into the pouch, covering Jasper's things, my military mindset slipped and my body started to shake. I wondered if I would be able to make it downstairs to let the paramedics in before I passed out.

I stuffed the pouch into my tote, shoving it down to the bottom, and went downstairs. I could hear the sirens now. I pulled open the front door and hesitated. My own personal injuries rarely involved ambulances and I wasn't familiar with the protocol. Did I wait for them to get here and then lead them upstairs, or did I go back and wait with Jasper?

The decision was made for me as the pulse of the ambulance's lights started to wash the street in a red glow before I even saw the vehicle. I stepped onto the porch as they rolled to a stop in front of the house.

It all happened very quickly then.

There were two EMTs – a man and woman not much older than I – and a driver who hung back at the ambulance. I pointed upstairs when they arrived at the porch and the male EMT went ahead without a word. The female EMT, who introduced herself as Carla, stayed and walked with me back upstairs, taking in the details I provided as rapidly as I could. I shared everything I had told Carlisle, but this time included, "Heroin, I think." She asked questions about his past drug use that I answered as best I could, and told her I didn't know when he'd started using again. I wanted to say today, but there was no way for me to know. I nearly bit off my tongue trying to keep my focus on her words and not the emotions that were clawing at me as her questions picked at raw places inside me. I told her I hadn't seen any drugs, that maybe someone had been with him and left before whatever happened in the bathroom. Carla nodded, her face neutral. She radioed something back to the ambulance, but my concentration was slipping further and further; I saw her lips move but I failed to hear what she said.

When we got to the bathroom, Carla asked me to stay in the hall because the bathroom was so small. A few seconds later, the third EMT – the driver – appeared carrying a gray backboard. At that point, I collapsed against the wall outside the bathroom door, staring blankly at the entrance to Rose's bedroom.

I had no idea how they were going to strap Jasper to the board and get it out of the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them maneuver him so that he was lying half in the bathroom and half in the hall before they strapped him down.

"Bella? We're ready to go." Carla helped me to my feet as the two male EMTs carried Jasper carefully down the hall. I registered that under the oxygen mask, Jasper's face was less gruesome now; someone must have cleaned it for him.

I grabbed my bag as we walked by Jasper's room and held it tightly to me.

"Do you have anyone you need to call to meet you there?" Carla asked as they were loading Jasper into the back of the ambulance.

"I already called. They're on their way."

She nodded and indicated that it was okay for me to climb in the back with him now.

Just as I was about to step up, a car approaching the house diverted my attention. I recognized the outline of the vehicle immediately.

Emmett.

I stepped back from the ambulance as Emmett pulled into the driveway.

"Bella? We really need to go."

"Wait, this is his sister," I said over my shoulder as I moved toward the Jeep, where Rose was already halfway out of the passenger door.

"Bella?" Emmett was at my side but I focused on Rose's face. I had never seen her perfect features so twisted with emotion.

"What? What happened?" she asked.

I opened my mouth to speak and my words failed. How did I tell her that her brother, her twin, had overdosed while she'd been at dinner with her boyfriend? That the three people who should have seen this coming, who should have _fucking_ _seen it_, were now standing in the middle of the street while he was in the back of an ambulance?

"He ODed, I think," I managed. No matter how many times I'd had to say it in the last twenty minutes, it wasn't getting any easier.

Rose's eyes were wide and frightened.

Carla walked up to us. "We really need to go. If you are coming with us, it has to be now."

"I'm going," Rose said immediately, stepping toward the ambulance.

"No, Rose, I am." I reached out and grabbed her arm. No fucking way was I _not_ going.

"Fuck that!" she exploded at me. "I'm his sister!"

The ambulance's sirens blared to life as Carla stepped quickly forward. "You're family?" She looked at Rose. Rose nodded. "Then you come. Sorry, Bella, family has priority." Carla gave me a sympathetic look and then led Rose to the ambulance where she gracefully hopped up with a last look back at us.

"Emmett," I breathed out, wanting him to stop them, to not let them take Jasper away without me. I turned away because I couldn't watch Jasper leave. What if...? I felt Emmett's arms wrap around me as I started to crumble.

"Let's go, Bella. We'll be right behind them."

He half carried me to the Jeep and strapped me into the passenger seat. The ambulance made a U-turn and tore down the street; Emmett followed. I gripped my seatbelt, willing us to be there already. Just outside of their neighborhood, a red light that the ambulance blew through caught Emmett. I watched him war with running the light but he slammed on the brakes at the last second. My overused arm and back muscles protested as the seatbelt locked against my chest.

Emmett yelled indistinguishable words at the retreating ambulance.

My burst of anger at Rose's intrusion receded with the flashing lights; she was the closest family he had, she should be with him. Now that I had no decisions to make, now that I was only a passenger, I finally let my brain turn over the "what ifs" that had been collecting.

What if my fingers down his throat was the last time I ever touched him?

What if I had surprised him by going over early, as I had wanted?

What if my phone call to Carlisle had cost us valuable time?

What if I had been a better girlfriend?

What if....

As the ambulance lights disappeared around a corner ahead, and Emmett growled next to me, I closed my eyes. I ignored the cold air in the Jeep, made worse by the stickiness of my sweaty clothes. I wiped out all images from the evening and replaced them with the happiest ones I had. Jasper at my door in his ridiculously sexy cowboy outfit. Jasper at my dinner table, wide grin on his face. Jasper in my bed, blue eyes afire, his arms holding me tightly.

I focused on his face, the memory of his touch. It was what I needed to get through the next few minutes. I let the heavy pressure around my heart pull me under.

I sank into my seat, uncomfortably numb.

* * *

**Many of you suspected something like this was coming. I know that doesn't make it any easier. :(**

**Thanks to Roger Waters for all of the "Comfortably Numb" (Pink Floyd) references I included in the chapter.**

**Legna spent significant time with me getting this right. I can't thank her enough for the 6,943 emails we exchanged about these 6,943 words.**

**Some of my writing group peeps - Jess, Kip, and Vickie - gave me a hand with early feedback and physics lessons.**

**19 will be up Sunday morning. Hang on. And come on over to the Twilighted thread in the meantime - link in profile.**


	19. Love Is a Battlefield

**Throughout the story, Legna has been responsible for my legal research. I recommend that everyone secure an attorney as a beta and ficwife. She went above and beyond for this one. If anything legal is wrong, anywhere in the story, it's because I took her perfectly good information and tinkered with it.**

**I know 18 was rough. Thanks for sticking with me through it.**

**I don't own anything you recognize.**

* * *

**_In Which Love Is a Battlefield_**

Emmett's voice broke my reverie. "Whatever's going on in your head over there, cut that shit out. He's going to be fine." I looked at Emmett as we pulled away from the green light. His words were strong but I could see uncertainty in the set of his mouth. "And this isn't your fault." He turned his eyes from the road to look at me. "Got that?"

I nodded to appease him. We slowed for another red light and I heard Emmett take a deep breath.

"What was it, B?"

"Heroin." I wiped my eyes on the neck of my shirt and wrapped my arms around myself. The cold was starting to get to me and I regretted leaving my jacket behind the house.

I saw Emmett's hands tighten on the steering wheel and I wondered how much more it could take before it cracked.

"Did you find them? The drugs?"

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"His room."

"What did you do with them?"

I cast him a sideways glance and didn't answer.

"Fuck, do you have them on you?"

"Yeah..."

"Give them to me."

"What?"

"You heard me. You're not fucking walking into the hospital with heroin on you, Bella."

I reached into my tote and pulled out the pencil pouch. I pushed it into Emmett's outstretched hand. He turned the pouch over once in his hand, studying it in the dim light from the dashboard.

"Damn, that's fucked up," he chuckled quietly. I looked over and saw the outlines of lambs and calves; I hadn't even noticed the cute farm animals motif.

"What are you going to do?"

He dropped the pouch in his lap and gripped the steering wheel tightly again as the light changed.

"Don't worry about it. If anyone asks you, it's better if you don't know anything."

I nodded, wondering if this was another one of those dinner table conversations the Cullens had had when the kids were growing up. Aiding and Abetting 101. Today's lesson: How to hide your best friend's stash after he ODs and how to protect the girlfriend who found him. I knew if Charlie were here, he'd have me in the back of the cruiser and on the way home to Forks in a heartbeat; I'd never step foot in Seattle again.

Emmett didn't hit any more red lights and it didn't take long for him to get to the Medical Center, even without following the ambulance.

He pulled haphazardly in front of the ER and I was out of the Jeep before he'd put it in park. As I ran to the ER, I could hear him behind me. The front desk nurse looked up with something akin to alarm as we passed her although she had to be used to this kind of thing by now. I stopped as I entered the waiting room and I heard Emmett's footfalls slow.

"Where is he?" My voice rang against the cold walls and all eyes were on me. I heard someone gasp and I turned to see Alice's pained, pale face.

"Jesus, Bella." Edward stepped forward and scanned me with scared eyes. "Are you hurt?" I frowned. What the...

Emmett came into my peripheral vision as I looked slowly down at myself and saw what had captured Edward's attention.

I was a fucking _mess_. There were blood smears on my shirt and my thighs – thin streaks of dark brown, like I had wiped my hands. Vomit, Jasper's and my own, crusted my jeans, shirt, and shoes. I raised my fingers slowly to one of the spots on my shirt and it was still wet. My eyes were burning and I knew that my face must be as much of a mess as my clothing. I looked back up at the people watching me and all of a sudden, I was cold. Really fucking cold.

I took a step toward the chairs because I needed to sit down. The room was getting too bright and swirly and it was hard to breathe with my icy lungs. I blinked to clear my eyes of the weird spots that were dancing in my vision. I took another step and heard someone say Emmett's name. My third step found me half on the ground, looking up into Emmett's face.

"I've got you, B."

I closed my eyes and waited for the ringing in my ears to stop. Emmett stood and brought me up with him. I opened my eyes and looked around.

"Put me down, Emmett, I'm fine."

"Bella, you just passed out."

"I didn't pass out. I tripped. Put me down, Emmett." I twisted in his arms and he reluctantly set me down. I swayed once but he clamped a hand on my shoulder and I steadied. I scanned the room, this time paying attention to who was here. The first person I noticed was Esme, walking toward me. Alice and Edward were standing together behind her. I noticed Alice had her hand wrapped around Edward's wrist. I wasn't really surprised to see the entire Cullen crew here. There were a few other people in the room; aside from a woman about Renée's age, who was looking at me with sympathy, everyone else was at least pretending to pay attention to something else.

"Did someone call David and Helen?" I asked the room at large. They had left for Texas with Jasper's grandparents earlier in the day. I didn't know how long it would take them to get back.

"Yes, dear, I believe Rosalie was going to. Here you go." Esme pressed fresh blue scrubs and a bottle of water into my hands. "While you're changing, I'll see if I can find Carlisle. Okay?"

Nodding, I turned toward a small hallway to go to the restroom.

My body almost revolted again when I got a look at myself in the mirror. In addition to the blood on my clothing, there were also two streaks across one of my cheeks, like war paint. The top of my shirt was soaked with tears, snot, and vomit. My eyes were bloodshot; my hair was wild. I looked like I had just had tea with Lizzy Borden and she hadn't been pleased with my scones.

Ruined clothes landed on the tiled floor as I quickly stripped in the middle of the bathroom, not even bothering with one of the stalls. I washed my face with my shirt once I pulled on the scrubs. My hair protested as I twisted it up with an elastic from my bag. The evening was on permanent replay in my head while I cleaned up and one point caught my attention. What had Emmett done with the drugs? He had followed me into the hospital immediately. There hadn't been time for him to do much.

I coaxed hot water out of the tap and stood for a moment, bracing myself on the sink, letting the steam swirl around my hanging head. My brain was still stuck somewhere between "this is real" and "you're going to wake up any second now." If that was the case, I was going to have to closely reexamine whatever I had eaten yesterday, because I sure as hell didn't want to have another dream like this. I wanted it to go away... but I knew it wouldn't.

Hot water continued to pour from the tap as I drank half of the bottle of water Esme had handed to me.

When I decided I was feeling closer to being human again, I shut off the water. I wiped down the sink to make sure I didn't leave behind anything gross. Once I cleared the pockets of my jeans, they followed my shirt right into the garbage. I studied my Chucks. They were my favorites. I'd had them for years. They were perfectly worn and molded to my feet. They matched 90% of my wardrobe. They were predictable. They kept me safe. And they were ruined. The stains might come out, but they would always be "my favorite shoes that used to be covered in vomit." I threw them into the trash with my socks.

Emmett was leaning against the opposite wall when I opened the bathroom door.

"I was going to come in... you took a long time." He was rubbing the back of his neck, his expression far from the normal, confident one of the Emmett I knew. "You look better."

"I don't feel it." There was no reason to bullshit Emmett.

He gave me a sad smile, also incredibly unnatural for him. "Yeah... before we go back..." he tilted his head toward the waiting room, "the twins don't know everything. Dad didn't tell them about the drugs, only that Jasper fell in the bathroom. He told Mom, though. So, you don't have to say anything you don't want to, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks, Emmett."

We walked slowly. The floor was dirty and cold beneath my bare feet but it fit my mood. My trip here on my birthday was supposed to be my only one of the year. This was all just so wrong.

I inhaled deeply as we reached the others. Emmett rubbed my shoulder and guided me to an empty seat next to Esme. Edward stood as I sat down, and looked me over again. He looked much less panicked this time.

"Bella, why are your feet bare?"

"I didn't think Chuck Taylor would appreciate the puke-inspired modifications I had made to my shoes, so I threw them out."

He frowned but didn't say anything else.

"Thank you for the scrubs," I said to Esme.

"You're welcome, dear. I'm glad you see you're looking better."

I managed to keep my voice calm, which was quite the feat, given how I was feeling. If anyone had been privy to the screaming in my head, they would have had me in a hospital bed next to Jasper faster than I could say, "Commit me." On second thought...

I tried to listen to what Esme was telling me.

"He is still with Jasper. I spoke with Rosalie. She just left voicemail for Helen. They are about to take Jasper for a CT scan."

"For his head?"

Esme nodded.

"Thanks." I leaned back in the seat. Either Carlisle wasn't panicking, which meant I could relax a bit, or Esme was hiding it well. For my sanity, I chose to believe the former.

The tension in the room was heavy. Everyone clearly wanted to ask me what happened, but I closed my eyes and hoped they would all leave me alone for a few minutes while I pulled myself together.

As the evening's events continued to spin through my mind, I jerked up in my seat, remembering what I had neglected to tell Emmett. He looked at me, startled, as I pulled out from under the hand that had been on my shoulder.

"Oh, Emmett! I broke the door on the deck. I forgot! It's wide open in the back."

"You broke the door? You mean the lock?"

I shook my head. "No, the whole left door. The glass. Rose is going to be pissed."

Emmett gaped at me. "You did what?"

"I couldn't find a way to get in and I knew something was wrong. I didn't know what else to do." Memory-induced emotions surged through me as adrenaline had when I'd swung the wrench.

"Hey, hey, it's fine, B." He rubbed my shoulder again. "Christ, we'll get you a key, okay? Did you hurt yourself?"

I held up my hands to flex them. I was surprised to find they were really sore – I hadn't noticed before – maybe I had bruised the bones. My arms and back weren't feeling much better.

He must have caught my wince. "We'll get you something for it."

"Oh, here, I have this, too." I pulled his phone from my bag. "I used it to call Carlisle."

Emmett flipped open his phone and his face tightened as he looked at it. His eyes flickered up to mine briefly. "Sorry I missed all of these calls. Left the fucking thing sitting at home with my wallet. That's why we were back at the house." Guilt washed his face.

Movement in my periphery caught my eye and I looked up to see Edward standing next to me with another bottle of water and a small packet.

"Here," he said, holding out the bottle. He dropped two pills into my hand. "Just a painkiller. You only feel sore, nothing feels broken?"

"Yeah, it's like I had a hard day at the gym."

"If it gets worse, say something, okay?"

"Sure, Edward, thanks."

"Hey." Emmett tipped his head toward the door behind me.

I turned to see Carlisle walking through the double doors leading from the exam rooms. I was immediately out of my seat, striding toward him. "How is he? Can I see him?"

Carlisle put a hand on my elbow and led me to the closest chair.

"Sit down, Bella."

A layer of my anxiety fell away. "Sit down" was not a phrase you wanted to hear in the emergency room, but Carlisle's tone of voice – more fatherly than clinical – told me it was going to be okay. _Thank fucking god._ He took the seat next to me.

"How are you?"

I brushed off his question with a quick, "I'm fine." I didn't want to be rude, but it didn't matter how I was. "How's Jasper?"

"Jasper is going to be fine, too." He smiled briefly as he patted my knee. "I checked with him to ensure it was okay for me to share this information with you. He was... surprised that you are here."

"He's awake?" I almost cartwheeled out of my seat. That had to be good, that he was awake already.

"Yes, I believe he came around in the ambulance."

I ached that I hadn't been in the ambulance with him. Rose was family, but she wasn't exactly known for her compassion. He must have been so disoriented when he came to... if he had even realized what was going on. I would have held his hand and told him it would be okay...

"We're waiting on his CT scan right now," Carlisle continued. "He has a minor concussion and we want to make sure there is no fracture or swelling. They've already stitched the wound."

"A concussion? I don't even understand what happened..." The whole thing confused me; he must have slipped but I couldn't picture it.

"The EMTs said they think he hit his head on the edge of the counter by the sink? That's what the injury suggests, too. If he went down cold, from his full height, it would explain the concussion."

I nodded. That I could imagine. The sharp edge of the counter would cut deeply enough to account for all of the blood.

"What about... everything else?" I knew without looking that everyone was listening to us. Carlisle's voice was pitched low, but the rest of the family was close enough that they would still be able to hear him. They would all find out eventually, the minute that Rose saw Alice. If she could stop screaming at me long enough to talk to anyone else.

He hesitated, his eyes narrowing in thought. Then he continued. "We've determined that he didn't have either a heart attack or stroke. Since he's awake, there's no worry of coma."

I had forgotten those things were possibilities, but just knowing they were off the table buoyed my spirits.

"But," he continued, "we're going to keep him tonight and possibly tomorrow to run tests. We need to make sure the combination of drugs in his system hasn't caused any liver damage."

The happiness abated a bit. "Wait, combination? I thought there was just the... what combination? With his antidepressant?"

"That's part of it. In addition to his antidepressant and the heroin, the blood tests also found cocaine and Adderall, a stimulant."

_What... the fuck? _

My face must have registered my shock. "You didn't know about those?" Carlisle asked quietly.

I shook my head, my power of speech gone with all of the blood that had been in my head. A wave of nausea washed through me and I clutched my chair tightly.

"The trace amounts of cocaine suggest it has been a few days since he had taken any of that. The Adderall concentrations were higher. He has probably been self-medicating with that on top of the antidepressant, to keep himself level. I haven't talked with him in depth about it yet."

"But... why?" I looked up at Emmett, who was still sitting next to Esme, and his stricken expression echoed how I felt. How were we were so blind?

"Have you seen signs of his depression lately, Bella?"

"Yes, of course, but they stopped after he saw you and you switched his medication. He's been fine since then. Right, Emmett?" I wondered if Emmett had seen things I had missed.

But Emmett nodded without hesitation, his eyes moving from me to Carlisle.

Carlisle's eyes widened, whether at Emmett's agreement or something else, I wasn't sure until he spoke. "Switched his medication? I haven't switched his medication in a few years. I adjusted the dosage last year, but he's been taking the same medication since college. Can you explain what you mean?"

Now things were just getting more confusing. Maybe I had misspoken. A gaping feeling of fear opened in my chest, but I tried to be clearer. "He saw you three weeks ago because he'd been... depressed... for a few weeks. You gave him a new prescription, a new drug. He was better almost as soon as he started taking it. He's been great for a couple of weeks."

"Bella, when I saw Jasper earlier this month, I refilled his current prescription and we spent fifteen minutes talking about football. He didn't say anything about not feeling well. How long has that been going on?"

I reeled as realization struck me. He lied to me.

_He lied to me_.

Everything he had said about talking to Carlisle about how he'd been feeling. Lies. A new medication – the nausea, his concern about other side effects... More lies. If he hadn't started a new medication, then how had he shown such noticeable improvement? Emmett had even commented on it, so it wasn't in my head. That must be where the coke and Adderall came in... but I didn't understand it. Why wouldn't he just talk to me?

Did he feel alone, even when I was wrapped around him?

I felt something pressing against my hand and opened my eyes to see Esme pushing a handful of Kleenex at me. I hadn't even realized I was crying.

"Thanks," I murmured. As I wiped my nose, Emmett came to crouch next to us.

"It's been about six weeks since I started to notice it. That sound right, B?"

"Yeah, since a little bit after Columbus Day weekend."

_He lied to me. Why?_

I was startled when Emmett answered. "He probably just didn't want you to worry," Emmett said. I hadn't realized I'd spoken aloud.

"That's bullshit, Emmett, and you and I know it."

"Yeah," he said quietly. "It is."

Carlisle stood, pulling a pager from his waistband. "I have to go, but I will be back when we have the CT results."

"Am I going to be able to see him? Please?"

"Yes, of course. I will come get you as soon as I can. And we'll find you some shoes somewhere." He nodded at Esme before he turned and she stood to accompany him.

_He lied to me._ He had waved a bottle of his "new" pills at me and assumed I wouldn't figure it out. He thought I was too stupid to know the difference. And he was right. A rivulet of anger joined the river of emotions swelling through me, although I didn't know with whom I was angrier: myself or Jasper.

My eyes watched as Carlisle and Esme retreated through the double doors but my mind didn't register anything until Emmett squeezed my knee.

"He was kind of antsy this week, during Thanksgiving, but I thought it was because he missed you. After what happened earlier this month, I would have said something if I thought he wasn't okay. I'm so sorry, B."

"This isn't your fault, Emmett. I'm the one who's been sleeping in the same bed with him and didn't even know."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to think of anything in the past three weeks that would have indicated he was using again. I could hear Edward and Alice speaking in low voices. I was surprised that Alice had gone this long without saying anything. I figured she would have been the first one in line, asking questions, trying to find out what was going on. It wasn't in her nature to leave anything alone, particularly when it came to giving me a hard time.

I heard footsteps approaching and opened my eyes to see Alice's feet in front of me. Apparently her silence was about to be broken. As I looked up, she opened her mouth to speak.

But whatever she was going to say was lost when one of the doors to the exam rooms flew open and slammed against the wall behind it.

Rose.

She stalked toward us, and Emmett and I immediately stood.

"Rosalie..." he said in a warning tone.

"Stay out of this, Emmett Cullen." She stopped right in front of me. "You." She poked me in the shoulder. I batted at her hand. I wasn't going to be a victim in this shoving match, if that's what it came to; I'd already let Alice push me around enough. "Everything was fine until you came along. He hasn't had a problem in years and then you show up and... He was getting high in July and I didn't know about it? And he's been depressed for weeks? I thought he's been better since he saw Carlisle? What the fuck have you been doing to him?" She shoved my shoulder.

"Stop it, Rose." I pushed at her hand again and stepped back.

"Rose." Emmett stepped between us, a hand on each of us. "What do you mean he was getting high in July?" He looked from Rose to me.

My stomach fell when I remembered that Emmett didn't know that. Only Alice did, and it looked like she really hadn't said anything to anyone, not even Rose. I looked at Alice and she was still standing where she had been a minute ago. Her face was blank as she watched us.

"I'm so sorry, Em. It was before you and I were talking. By the time I saw you, things had changed... I'm sorry didn't tell you." I needed Emmett to be okay with this. I was used to having him on my side. It couldn't last forever and I knew where his true loyalties lay, but I had to try.

Emmett nodded although I could see in his eyes that he wasn't thrilled. "It's okay, B."

"It's not okay, Emmett!" Rose stormed. "These two," she pointed to Alice and then me, "knew and did nothing!"

"Alice knew?" Now Emmett looked hurt and confused.

What a massive jumblefuck this was. I wanted to crawl under the seats and go to sleep. Maybe when I woke up I'd be at home in bed. With Jasper. And this would all be a terrible dream that we could laugh about.

"Okay, everyone needs to take a deep breath and a step back." Edward was standing behind Rose with his hands up. "Seriously. Back down. This isn't accomplishing anything."

I resumed my seat and Emmett sat two over and pulled Rose into his lap. Alice and Edward remained standing.

I rubbed my face, wiping away my drying tears. I could barely think straight. I tried to focus on one thing at a time. "What else did he say?" I looked at Rose.

"I didn't hear much more," she snapped. "He was talking to Carlisle when they basically kicked me out."

"You know, you're the only one of us who officially lives with him, Rose," I said. "Don't you think that if anyone should have seen this, it's you?" I said it as calmly and quietly as possible. I was just transferring blame, and I knew it. Of all of us, I was the closest to him, the one who spent the most amount of time with him. He barely saw Rose. There was really no one to blame but myself, but I couldn't help but throw some of that back to Rose. If she was going to attack me...

"And he hasn't been 'fine' in a long time, Rosalie." Alice's voice broke my question's wake of silence.

All eyes turned to Alice.

"What do you mean?" Rose asked uncertainly. She might not believe me, but she would have no reason to question anything from Alice.

"He relapsed last summer. And he's been struggling off and on since then."

Rose looked stunned. As did Emmett and Edward. Apparently, Alice and Jasper had kept some things to themselves.

I knew about last year's relapse, he had mentioned that to me months ago. But struggling since then? How long had this been going on before I was in the picture? How much worse had I made it?

"Is that why you broke up?" Rose asked.

Alice shook her head. "No, not really. It didn't help, but it wasn't the reason." She turned her attention to me. "Bella, you can't feel too badly about this. Jasper has had a long time to learn how to deal with his problems and cover them up when he wants to. That's how he was with me, too. He wasn't always like that... but near the end, he was barely talking to me at all."

"But why would he do that? He knows he can talk to me." I had never judged him, yet he was treating me like his overbearing ex-girlfriend. Was he hiding this because he didn't want to bother me or because he thought I wouldn't want to bother with him?

"It's really not his favorite topic of conversation."

"You don't say," I snorted. I caught myself almost grinning at Alice before I realized it and blinked when she shrugged with a small smile. Something inside me loosened. This was what I had wished for months ago, to be able to talk to Alice about this. These were not the circumstances I desired, but it was better than us tearing each other apart.

Rose was subdued. "Now what?"

"I would say that if he's been having problems for such a long time, that rehab is his best option. I'm sure that's what Dad is going to recommend," Edward said. "He's not seeing a therapist?" he directed at me.

I shook my head.

"Good luck," Alice muttered.

"You don't think he'll go?" I looked at her.

"Every time I've ever mentioned it since high school, he's pushed it off. He clearly needs it, needs something, but... if he's back on coke, heroin, _and_ uppers..." She shook her head. "It sucks, but maybe this scare will be what it takes." She paused. "What are you going to do?" she asked me.

"About what?"

"Him. Jasper." She raised an eyebrow. _Duh_, it said.

"Do? Well, as soon as I can get in there, I'm going to make sure he's okay. And then," I shrugged, "we'll go from there." I would deal with the sudden uncertainties I had about our relationship. I knew he loved me, but he clearly didn't trust me completely.

"You're going to..." She had a strange look on her face.

"Going to what, Alice?"

"Stay with him?"

I stared at her. Did she really think I was going to leave him now? Or... ever?

She spoke again before I could. "You've seen now what it can be like. It's not all going to be fun. Baseball games and kickboxing and whatever else you do. It can be scary, and..." She closed her eyes and sighed. I wondered how much she had gone through with him on her own, without talking to anyone. We had been close friends for over a year and she had never once mentioned it to me. "He has an addiction and those don't just go away." She opened her eyes and looked at me.

I got up and walked to her. Emmett lifted Rose off his lap and stood up. Edward took a step closer to us. I almost laughed; they clearly didn't trust us together, even though Alice and I added together weren't as big as Emmett, but I couldn't blame them.

I let my hands hang loosely at my sides so Alice wouldn't feel threatened. "I knew going in that he had a problem, just like you knew. I'm not going anywhere." Thinking back to our first morning together, when he'd barely been sober, I wondered if I had been _too_ accepting.

"But did you really understand it? What the depression and drug use meant? It's one thing to hear someone tell a story, it's another thing to see it in action."

"No. I really had no idea," I admitted. "But it doesn't change anything."

"You know, if he goes to rehab, they'll tell him not to be in a relationship for at least a year after he gets out." Alice said it casually, but I could see something flicker in her eyes. Something that made me wonder how long this truce would last.

That was news to me. I had started to think about rehab as a cure-all. But what if part of that cure was that he had to be alone while he got better? Could I let him go like that? If I waited for him, would he even want me in a year? What if when he got clean, he realized I wasn't the right girl for him? I took a deep breath and fought back more tears. Alice knew all of the right buttons to press and, for a moment, I hated both her and myself for it.

"But you guys dated after he got out last time, right?"

"Maybe that's why it didn't stick."

If that was what it took. If I had to wait for him, I would. I could finish school, find a job, get settled into a new routine. When Jasper was ready, I'd be waiting. And if he didn't want me in the end... I had to concentrate on what was best for Jasper.

"If that's the way it has to be, then that's how it has to be."

"So that's it? You'll just-"

"Wait," I interjected before she could finish her thought. "I'll just wait."

"Oh." She looked surprised.

We locked gazes.

"You're awfully young to put your life on hold like that."

"You're awfully young to be so cynical."

"Bella..."

"Alice."

She sighed and held up her hands – _I warned you_ – before turning abruptly to Edward.

I went back to my seat. I cast a glance at Rose and Emmett just as Rose looked at me. Her glare was less vicious now.

Carlisle returned a little while later to give us the results of Jasper's CT scan and I rose to meet him. Esme was behind him, her phone to her ear.

"No swelling, no fracture – all excellent news. They're transferring him to a bed upstairs for the night. It's still going to be a little while until you can see him, though," he said to me. "But I'd like to talk to you about something, first."

I leaned against the wall, tired of sitting.

"Because of the circumstances, I don't expect there will be any sort of police involvement. Jasper is a single user with no intent to sell or manufacture. Seattle has larger issues for the police to deal with. But Bella, I've recommended to Jasper that he check into an inpatient rehab facility. I offered to call the one he went to last time. He said he would think about it. It would probably be a much less threatening prospect for him if he knew he had support."

"He does." Regardless of what a counselor would tell Jasper about dating, I knew that rehab was his best option. He couldn't get it under control by himself, he wouldn't talk to a therapist or Carlisle... if he didn't want something worse than tonight to happen next time...

"I also told Jasper what I discussed with you, including what you told me."

"Okay." I wanted to ask how Jasper had reacted to finding out that I knew he had been untruthful with me, but I didn't want to drag Carlisle into the middle of our personal drama.

"I'll come back as soon as I can. Now that I'm here, they are taking advantage of the situation. It's busy for a Sunday night." I was surprised at his words; I hadn't noticed a lot of traffic through the waiting room.

Esme closed her phone. "That was Helen. They just made reservations on a 7:10 flight. It was the earliest they could get. I found you these." She set a pair of Crocs on the floor in front of me. "Some of the nurses keep extra pairs in their lockers."

"Thanks," I said, gratefully sliding my feet into them.

"Unless you think you need something, I'm going to head home. I assume everyone else is going to stay."

"Oh, no one has to do that," I looked around the room; Emmett was watching us. He just rolled his eyes.

Esme hugged us all before she left.

Everyone sat quietly, apparently lost in his or her own thoughts. I stayed where I was, against the wall. Edward was at one of the windows, watching rain fall in the parking lot. Alice sat alone. Rose was in Emmett's lap with her eyes closed.

Now that I knew Jasper was going to be okay – the liver tests were still pending, but I hadn't detected any extra concern in Carlisle's voice – my mind started to wander past his health to the other things I had to deal with.

Like the fact that I didn't know how much of the last three weeks I could believe. Not only had he been blatantly dishonest about his medication, but he had gone out of his way to try to seem as if he were feeling normal.

He had taken advantage of my naïveté about his illness. Alice probably would have noticed something was amiss right away, regardless of how well he tried to mask it.

What Alice had said about Jasper's behavior before they broke up was bothering me. I thought we had cleared the air three weeks ago after the meltdown, after Jasper called me a meddlesome bitch, but maybe I'd damaged his trust without realizing it. And if that's all it took... Feelings of isolation were a symptom of depression. Maybe by the time I got up the nerve to speak to him, it had already been too late to help.

Sadness filled me again that I somehow could have prevented this and didn't. I tried to push it back by telling myself that Jasper was an adult who could make his own choices and decisions, but that didn't make me feel better. I knew his decision-making was compromised because of the depression, which led him to the drugs, which resulted in worse decisions. It was a vicious cycle that made my head spin and my stomach churn.

Angela would give me good advice... I contemplated calling her to hear a friendly voice. She would probably come to the hospital if I asked her to, but it was already late on a Sunday night; she would be asleep. Thinking about her reminded me that I would likely miss classes tomorrow. I made a mental note to call her in the morning.

I looked around the room as I tried to shake myself out of my thoughts. No one had really moved. I took several steps and dropped myself into a chair that had an easy view of the door through which Carlisle would walk when I could finally see Jasper.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and then the door. Hopefully it wouldn't be much longer. I wasn't sure how much more of my internal battle I could take.

. . . . . . . .

It was 2:00 a.m. and I wanted to be doing anything other than what I was doing – sitting on a hard plastic chair in an ER waiting room, still waiting to see my boyfriend.

I rocked forward in my chair and put my elbows on my knees, my chin in my hands. Cramps wracked my back from slouching for so long; the evening's exertions on the deck contributed significantly to the stiffness. I arched my back to stretch my spine a bit.

I looked to my left at the pile of bodies a couple of chairs down. Emmett was sprawled out with Rose curled against his chest. His right arm was holding Alice to his side. It didn't look remotely comfortable, but that didn't seem to bother them – they were all out cold.

Edward was sitting across from them, playing with his phone.

"You don't have to stay, you know. I'm sure everyone would be more comfortable in their beds." I kept my voice low to avoid waking the sleeping trio but my words echoed loudly against the walls.

Edward looked up, startled. He shook his head with a glance at Emmett and the girls before coming to sit on my other side. I tilted my head in my hands so I could see him.

"You need more of these?" He handed me another of the small packets he'd had earlier. I tore it open and downed the pills with the rest of my water. During my last trip to the bathroom, I had discovered a bruise on my back – from the railing on the deck – and a matched set on my knees from when I fell in the bathroom. I was stiff and achy and wanted a hot bath second only to seeing Jasper.

"Thanks."

"Sure." He paused. "So, you were serious, what you said to Alice about all of this?" He twirled his finger in a circle and I knew he meant Jasper.

"Yup."

He nodded, staring at the wall. "You know, if you-" He broke off, shaking his head and chuckling humorlessly under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Come on."

"It would sound... cruel."

He definitely had my attention now. Cocky, yes; condescending, on occasion; but I'd never heard him be cruel.

"Say it, Edward."

"Fine. I was just going to say that if you were with me, you'd never end up here." He looked at his hands while he spoke.

It wasn't the kindest observation, given the circumstances, but it had merit.

Edward was easy. He knew what he wanted and he had the focus and drive to get it. He would never lose control and jeopardize his plans. He had more brains, looks, and talent than a herd of Abercrombie & Fitch models at a Mensa meeting. Someday, he would provide some woman with everything she could ever want or need.

But how did I explain that there was more to it?

How did I explain what I saw in Jasper's searching hand when I got out of bed? What I felt in the rumble in my chest when we were on the bike? What I heard in the word "babe"?

How could I describe love to another person when I couldn't even define it for myself?

For all of my education and the words I found so easy to pour onto a page, I couldn't identify what made love _right_. It just _was_. And it just was with Jasper. Tonight's events and revelations didn't change that.

I watched Edward's hands as he turned over his phone. "I think there's more to it than that..." I paused, searching for words that weren't going to show themselves. "It's just... I think you know it when you feel it. And I feel it." That was the best I could do.

I sat back in my chair, my shoulder brushing Edward's.

"He'll always struggle." There was no jealousy or contempt in the way Edward said it; it was just matter-of-fact.

"I hope not. But I'll help him, if he does."

"Bella?" Carlisle was walking toward us although I hadn't even heard the door open. "If you're up for it, you can see Jasper now."

"Of course." I unfolded myself from my chair.

"Bella." I turned to Edward. He was looking at me with an expression that was too confusing for me to read. "Good luck."

I knew he was talking about more than the next thirty minutes.

"Thank you, Edward." Impulsively, I bent and hugged him. His fingers briefly tightened on my back. I smiled at him as I straightened, and then walked away without looking back.

. . . . . . . .

"Sorry about the late hour," Carlisle said as we walked down the hall toward the elevators.

"How is he? I mean... can I talk to him? Have a conversation?" The "up" arrow dinged and we stepped onto the elevator

"You should be able to. It's been several hours since he came in. The EMTs gave him something to combat the effects of the heroin, and we've administered a couple of other things that are keeping him awake for now. He may be a bit groggy, but for the most part, he should be himself."

I stepped out of the elevator before Carlisle and then followed him down the hall.

"I'm afraid you only have fifteen minutes," he said. "I used a rather loose definition of 'family' with Nurse Nina, and I think she was on to me."

"Okay."

"Bella, would you like me to stay?" he asked.

"No, it's fine. We'll be fine."

We stopped before a closed door. "This is it. Nurse Nina or I will come get you when your time is up. I'll try to hold her off as long as I can."

I nodded. I extended my hand to the door handle and brushed my fingers over the silver metal. All of the excitement I had been feeling about seeing him was rapidly receding as I drew closer to coming face to face with what had happened.

_He lied to me_.

What did I do? Did I comfort or confront? Did I say "I love you" and pretend nothing happened? I didn't think I could do that. But was now the appropriate time to say anything other than, "I'm happy to see you"?

"Bella?" I jerked my hand back at Carlisle's voice. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I just need a minute."

"If it's any help," he started quietly, "I've known Jasper for a long time and I've seen him go through a lot. I don't believe I've ever seen him so upset." I wanted to tell Carlisle that really _wasn't_ helping, but he continued. "I think he's worried about how angry and disappointed you're going to be."

"I'm not disappointed." I looked up into Carlisle's kind face. I wasn't, not in the way he meant it. I _was_ angry, and I was sad. Worry for what would happen with Jasper from here was a steady undercurrent to all of my other emotions. But the only disappointment I felt was in myself for not being able to help him when he needed it.

"I know you're not. Jasper has always been more emotionally charged than most kids. I'm sure he's more concerned about how this is affecting you than how it will affect him."

"That's silly."

"It might be... but between Jasper's nature and his depression and addiction, he's probably feeling a lot of guilt. I am not going to tell you how to handle your relationship and I don't want to make light of this situation, because it's very serious, but... he's a good man, even if he's a little lost right now."

I cleared my throat to dislodge the lump that was stuck there.

"You've certainly proven what a capable young woman you are tonight, but if you need anything, you know that Esme and I are here for you."

"Thank you... for everything." I stepped to Carlisle and gave him a hug. With Charlie and Renée so far away, it was nice to know I could turn to the Cullens.

"You're welcome, Bella. The nurses' station is right there if you need anything." He pointed to a night nurse seated behind a desk before he turned to walk down the hall.

I watched his retreating figure for a moment before I put my hand back on the door. I inhaled slowly and pushed down on the handle.

_Here goes everything._

* * *

**Exhale...**

**You guys are all fantastic. Your words about 18... just amazing. Thank you.**

**Chapter 20 on Wednesday.**


	20. Everybody Needs Somebody

**Legna continues to be a driving force behind this story.**

**Some of SM's words are mixed in with mine, so she **_**really**_** owns this one.**

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_**In Which Everybody Needs Somebody**_

The door resisted and I had to push harder than I expected to open it. Once it was open, I slipped in and eased it closed. Even with my efforts to be quiet, the sound of the door latching echoed through the room between electronic beeps from a heart monitor. I leaned against the door for a moment while I took in the room.

The lighting in the room was low. There were two lights on above the bed, but the overhead fluorescents were off. It was a private room; the hospital bed and a couch-bench combo dominated the space.

The head of the hospital bed was tilted up so that Jasper was only slightly reclined. He didn't open his eyes when the door closed; maybe he was asleep.

On any other day, the sight of him propped up in a hospital bed – an IV feeding into his arm, a bandage covering most of his forehead – would have broken my heart. But the truth of it was that right now he looked so much better than he had the last time I saw him that I wanted to waltz around the room.

Jasper was paler than usual and there were deep purple circles under his eyes. His hair was a mess; I wasn't aware of any hair-care regimen that included blood and sweat. He probably wasn't very comfortable and I wondered when he would be able to shower.

When I noticed that he was wearing a faded hospital gown, I realized I hadn't even registered what he'd been wearing when I found him.

"Hey," I said softly.

His eyes opened immediately and focused on me. The corner of his mouth twisted but I didn't think it was in pleasure.

"I thought I heard Carlisle talking to someone – I figured you were the nurse." His voice was quiet and I had to strain to hear him.

"Nope, I'm just me." I stood awkwardly, my left hand still resting on the door handle behind me. "How do you feel?" I asked. I was trying to play it cool. Now that I was here, it was all I could do not to launch myself at him.

"Tired," he said tersely.

I finally moved away from the door but didn't get too close to the bed. The moment I touched him, it would be over. I would embarrass myself in an extravagant display of sobbing and pet names. And it was clear that right now he wasn't interested in that. I wanted to understand what was irritating him, but he was looking down at the bed and I couldn't see much of his face.

"I'm glad you're okay."

"Yeah," he said, grimacing. "Whatever."

"Hey, what does _that_ mean?"

"You must hate me now." Jasper spit out the words and I started to understand that his irritation was with himself, not me. Carlisle's assessment of his emotions was spot-on.

"I could never hate you, Jasper." I walked to the foot of the bed, but he still wasn't looking at me.

"But I lied to you..." He finally turned his eyes up to me and his anguish was evident.

"You did, and you'll never know how it makes me feel that you don't trust me. But I don't hate you for it. I just want to understand."

"Wh- I don't trust you?" He closed his eyes briefly and when he reopened them, the red edging his lashes was more intense. "Bella, how will you ever trust me again?" His voice was thick with disgust.

"I will." My residual anger had evaporated. What I was feeling didn't compare to the loathing he was directing inward.

"You don't know that. How can you trust someone who breaks his promises?"

"We're going to figure it all out." I shuffled a step closer. It was becoming more difficult to stay still now that I could see what he was doing to himself.

"We?"

I nodded. "We. Together."

"I don't deserve that," he said.

"Jas-"

"I don't. You're better off with someone like Edward." He turned his head to stare at the wall. That was it. My bag and new shoes fell to the floor as I knelt on the bed. I crawled up Jasper's legs until l was straddling his thighs. All thoughts of confronting were gone; only the desire to comfort remained.

"Hey." I pushed a few stray strands of hair from his forehead, careful to avoid the bandage. "Look at me."

His eyes came back to me, and all of the hurt and sadness that I saw there, I wanted to take away forever.

"I will never be better than I am when I'm with you," I said slowly, making sure he understood I meant each word.

Emotion deeply lined his strong features and his feelings were clear. _You could do better._

"You're wrong, you know," I said. I ran my thumbs along his skin, tracing his cheekbones, his jaw.

"What?" He sighed it out, as if it took all of his effort to form that one syllable. I scooted forward on his thighs until there were just a few inches separating our chests.

"I can tell what you're thinking – and you _are_ worth it." I ran my hands down his arms and picked up his hands from the sheets.

"Bella, I just... I fuck up everything. I don't know how you-"

"Shut up, you're wrong." I leaned forward and very gently pressed my lips to his. I thought for a moment he wasn't going to respond, and I didn't know if my heart could handle it if he didn't. But then he did, pushing back against me, just as softly. His lips were chapped and rough, and I could tell his mouth was dry. There was no tongue or fiery passion. It was just us, in a hospital room, bruised and bleeding, gripping each other's hands as if our lives depended on it. It was filled with love and truth, and it was the best kiss I'd ever had.

I pulled away from him and tucked my head under his chin, wanting to feel his heart beating against me for just a moment. I dropped his hands and put my palms flat on his chest. When one of his hands came up to caress my hip, I relaxed into him further.

I wanted to stay like that forever, but I knew there wasn't much time before the nurse or Carlisle came in to tell me I had to leave. There was still one more thing I had to do.

I sat back so that we could look at each other. His eyes already looked better, less pained.

"Babe..." I rubbed his chest gently, "when you get out of here..."

"Carlisle thinks I should go back to rehab," Jasper finished quietly.

"Yeah... What do _you_ think?" It was pointless if he didn't want to go, if he didn't feel he needed it.

"I think that..." He looked at me. He was still rubbing my hip through the thin scrubs. "I think that I have to go." He paused and took a deep breath. "I need to get past this shit for good."

_Thank you._

I hesitated. I would be able to see him again later today, but what if we didn't get another chance to talk alone before he left? "Alice said that in rehab, they say you're not supposed to be in a relationship for a year after you get out," I said.

He studied me for a few seconds and then nodded.

"And what if that's why it didn't 'stick' last time, because you started dating Alice right away?"

"Bella, I don't think-"

"I'll wait, Jasper," I rushed out. "I'll wait until you're ready."

He paused again before speaking. "There isn't going to be anything to wait for, babe."

My whole body went cold as I digested what he said. I stared at him as I twisted my fingers into the sheets. Was he already so sure that it wouldn't work, that I couldn't be who he wanted?

"Hey," he said, sitting up straighter. "What...?" He brushed my cheek. His fingers were wet when he pulled his hand back. "Shit, maybe I didn't say that right. My head is all screwed up."

He held my face with both hands. "What I meant was that I'm not letting you go anywhere. I don't care what they say. I know that I need you, all the time. I know that I'm a real fucking mess and I'm confused about a lot of stupid shit, but I have never, not once, been confused about how I feel about you. If you're willing to stick with me and let me prove that I can be the man you deserve, that you _can_ trust me, then I'm not letting you leave my side. Not for a year or a month or even a day. I love you and I would never make you wait." His thumbs brushed my cheeks again. "Please don't cry."

I leaned forward to carefully slide my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder. "I love you," I whispered into his ear. "I'm not going anywhere." I held onto him tightly as he rocked us. How could he not think he was worth it?

In his warm hold, sleep tugged at me and I made no move to leave. Nurse Nina found us like that a few minutes later.

"Ms. Swan? I'm sorry, but that's as much time as I can give you for now."

Jasper tightened his hold. "You can't stay?"

"Sorry, babe, I'm not even supposed to be here because I'm not family. Rose is going to stay with you. I'll be back as soon as visiting hours start." I leaned back and his arms dropped slowly to the bed.

I started to climb off his lap but he gripped my hips with surprising strength. "Wait, I want to make one promise before you go, even though my promises are worth fuck all to you right now. But I'm positive I can keep this one."

I nodded. I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn't. Truthfully, it would take some work for me to trust him fully again. Maybe if he started small it would be easy to swallow.

"I promise that no matter what, as long as I am able, I will love you." He ran his hands down my thighs and back up to my hips. His expression was serious but no longer held the anger from before. "Whether or not you'll let me."

Well, that wasn't small, but I'd take it.

"I'll let you," I whispered. This time I was cognizant of my falling tears, but I ignored them. Eventually they had to run dry, although it didn't seem like that would happen today. I hugged him forcefully and made up my mind to hang on until someone pried me away.

Which Nurse Nina effectively did fifteen seconds later by coughing politely.

I felt my reluctance reflected in Jasper's movements as he gently pushed me back. "Go get some sleep and get back here as soon as you can."

"Okay. I'll bring you some clothes and then I can tell you what I did to the house trying to save your ass." I rolled my eyes before kissing him softly. I wasn't sure I was really ready to start joking about that quite yet.

"Babe." His voice halted me before I was out of the room. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you, Jasper," I said quietly before slipping through the door.

. . . . . . . .

I navigated the halls quickly, certain of what I was about to do. The door to the waiting room swung open easily; I could see how Rose had slammed it against the wall in her earlier fury. She and the Cullens were standing in a loose circle; they turned to look at me as I approached them. Alice was sleepily rubbing her eyes. I stopped next to Carlisle.

"Can you get him into that place in California? He'll go."

"Yes, I will call them as soon as they open in the morning. If they don't have any availability, we'll find a similar facility. Thank you, Bella."

I pulled my emergency credit card out of my wallet and held it out to Carlisle. "Please get me a plane ticket as well. I'm going with him to get him checked in." Carlisle took one look at the card and shook his head. I didn't try to force it. I turned to Emmett and handed it to him instead. He accepted it without complaint. I would check my statement to make sure they actually used it. In addition to being able to pay for the door, I should be able to cover the plane ticket, and hopefully a decent motel for a few days.

"Do you need a ride, Bella?" Edward stepped forward. "I can drive you home."

"No, I'm fine. I just need some time alone." I didn't want to be with anyone else right now. I couldn't take one more heart-to-heart conversation; I would walk if I had to. Someone nudged my arm. When I turned, Emmett dropped his car keys into my hand.

I smiled at him. "See you soon."

"Okay, B."

Before I stepped away from the group, I looked at Rose. "I told him you would stay with him tonight so he wouldn't be alone. Can you please do that?"

"Yes, of course," she replied quickly.

I nodded my thanks and started walking, done with this place, ready to be home. A hand caught my wrist. Rose's red nails stood out against my pale skin. She quickly released my arm as I faced her.

"I..." She trailed off, eyes as blue and bloodshot as Jasper's blinking rapidly. "Thanks. For finding him. For... being here."

Her gratitude was unexpected and surprise cut through my quickly growing lethargy. Rose's face fell as she watched me.

"Oh, I... you don't have to thank me for that, Rose." I nearly reached out and hugged her but thought that might be pushing my luck.

I turned and walked slowly but purposefully toward the door. I wanted to get out of here, away from the cold confines of the white and green walls. The revolving door turned smoothly under my hands. I stepped outside, and, tilting my face to the sky, let my tears mix with the cold Seattle rain.

* * *

**Thanks to Axl Rose for the "November Rain" references.**

**You all are wonderful. Thanks for _everything_ you've said about 18 and 19.**

**21 up on Sunday.**


	21. A Lot Happens in Sixty Seven Days

**Legna is endlessly patient with my stories and me. We're pretty sure we don't deserve her.**

**I still don't own anything you recognize.**

_

* * *

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**_In Which a Lot Happens in Sixty-Seven Days_**

Helen and I flew to California with Jasper on Wednesday. David had an end-of-year board meeting for the Hale Group and Jasper insisted he stay and not worry about rescheduling. Carlisle pulled some strings and was able to get Jasper a spot in La Mer, the La Jolla rehab center he'd been to in high school, starting Thursday morning. Jasper was enrolling in a sixty-day program. Although there would be an evaluation at the end of the first thirty, I knew he'd stay the whole time, regardless of whether or not they felt he was ready to leave. He was taking this very seriously.

Early Monday morning, after seeing Jasper and accepting Emmett's keys, I had managed to make it home from the hospital and through a ridiculously hot shower before passing out in the living room. I slept on the couch so that I'd be close to the door in case Emmett stopped by for the Jeep without calling; it had nothing to do with how empty my bed was. When I woke up just before 9:30, I was thoroughly achy and stiff.

Three painkillers and twenty-four ounces of coffee later, I called Angela on my way to Jasper's. I left her a brief message about what had happened and told her I wouldn't be in class all week.

At Jasper's, Emmett greeted me with a hug. He told me Rose was still at the hospital as he walked me back to the living room before I went to gather some of Jasper's clothes. A plastic tarp had been secured over the broken was door and was doing an admirable job of keeping out the steadily falling rain. He joked that the next time he needed to lift a car off someone, he'd give me a call.

I was back at the hospital in time for visiting hours to start. Helen's and David's voices were low murmurs through Jasper's slightly open door and I decided to wait in a chair down the hall to give them some privacy. My back felt better if I stretched it, so I was curled over my knees, half-asleep, when Helen found me fifteen minutes later.

"Bella?"

I quickly got to my feet, ignoring the dull ache in my body, and hugged her. She clung to me a few seconds more than I expected and I realized how difficult this must be for her and David. As we walked slowly back to Jasper's room, Helen confirmed they had arrived thirty minutes earlier.

"How was your flight?"

"Long," she said. The type of worry I imagined to be unique to mothers defined the emotions on her face.

I nodded, not sure whether she wanted comfort, commiseration, or something I couldn't provide.

She pushed Jasper's door open so that we could step in. This time, I didn't force myself to pause; what had seemed a chasm when I entered the room much earlier this morning, I crossed in a few quick steps.

"Babe," I breathed, leaning into Jasper.

He met me halfway, his lips soft on mine, and I wasn't even embarrassed that we were kissing in front of his parents. I pulled away, licking my lips. He tasted... different. Fruity.

"Rose." He held up a tube of Chapstick. I giggled, relieved that, aside from the mechanical bed and his sexy hospital gown, it felt normal to be with him. All the way over from his house, I had been worried we would feel awkward. Or that maybe some of the anger I had been feeling last night would resurface now that I wasn't so tired. But it didn't.

Jasper looked much better now than he had when I'd left him. The dark circles under his eyes had faded significantly. I could smell soap although he hadn't shaved or washed his hair – because of the bandage, I guessed. His skin was much less sallow, his blue eyes clear. My heart did a happy dance.

"I stopped by the house and grabbed a few things. Your favorite t-shirts. Track pants." I heaved the duffel onto the bed and winced at the painful twinges that ran up my spine.

"You okay?" Jasper frowned.

"Just a little sore." My words hung in the room as Jasper's face flashed understanding. How much did he know?

David coughed quietly and then spoke up. "We heard what you did, Bella."

I glanced away from Jasper and was alarmed to see that both David and Helen looked emotional. I would have a hard time holding myself together if everyone around me fell apart.

"We spoke to Carlisle," David continued after clearing his throat. "He gave us the general idea."

"Oh, I..." Had Carlisle told them _everything_?

"Emmett and Carlisle think they put together a pretty good idea about what happened," Jasper said, watching me. "But do you want to fill in the missing pieces?" He squeezed my hand.

"I..." I looked at Jasper, trying to ask him silently how much I should tell. He shrugged. _All of it_.

I scooted my ass up onto the bed next to Jasper and he pulled me back against his legs.

I was about to start when the door swung open and Rose walked in balancing three coffees. She hesitated when she saw me but then moved to distribute the drinks to her parents.

"I would have gotten another, Bella, if I'd known you were here," she said apologetically. I blinked a little at her words. She had been gracious as I was leaving early this morning, but I honestly hadn't expected it to carry into our daytime interactions.

"Bella was just getting ready to tell us about last night," Helen said.

Rose took a seat on the couch and Helen joined her.

I tried to keep it as to the point and non-descriptive as I could, for the sake of the Hales and myself. No one wants to hear about his child being covered in his own vomit, regardless of what he says.

As I spoke, Jasper rubbed my back, kneading the muscles that were so tight. When I got to the particularly uncomfortable part about cleaning the drugs up from the room, Jasper asked what I knew he would.

"What did you do with them?"

The few hours of sleep I had managed on my couch had brought the entire night into crystal clarity; I knew a tattoo of the night's events would live in my memory forever, and I was able to quote to him exactly what Emmett had said to me: "Don't worry about it." I didn't mention Emmett's involvement. If Emmett wanted to share his part in it, that was his choice. I couldn't tell from Rose's reaction if he had told her what he had done. I had a feeling this might be something that would live and die between Emmett and me. Jasper opened his mouth to speak but I kept talking and didn't give him the chance.

The Hales were as affected as I had anticipated. Helen leaked silent tears through most of it. David held himself together better but kept clearing his throat quietly. Even Rose got a little watery. She didn't flinch when I talked about the door and I thought I heard her hum something about a spare key.

I ended the story with the ambulance's arrival. It was likely Rose and Emmett had covered it from there.

As soon as I held up my hands to signal the end of the account, Helen was pulling me into a hug.

"Who knows what would have happened without you, Bella," she murmured.

"Anyone else would have done the same thing."

"No, anyone else would have seen the dark house and gone home," she said, pulling back.

"I would have assumed Emmett just forgot, and stomped off," Rose added.

"I almost did that." The attention was making me uncomfortable. If anything, I had overreacted and just happened to be right.

Jasper had been silent since asking me about the drugs. When I turned to him, he was staring at the far wall, his face tight. Arms crossed over his chest, hands no longer on my back, his posture carried last night's anger.

"Jasper, what's-"

He raised his hand. "Now it's my turn."

He started talking. I watched, mouth open and heart aching, as he went over the past year and a half. I heard Helen gasp when Jasper mentioned getting high at work a couple of times the summer of last year. The decline in his relationship with Alice, his increased feelings of insignificance... I caught a look of guilt on David's face when Jasper mentioned that a lot of it had started around the time he had taken the CPA exam. Instead of being proud of the accomplishment, he had felt that he was just getting further away from his true passion, and he felt even worse because he had no idea what that was; he only knew that it wasn't accounting.

I was positive Jasper had never spoken about this with anyone. Not Alice, not Emmett, not Edward. Rose looked as surprised and heartsick as I felt. I couldn't help but feel that maybe Alice was right – maybe this scare would be what it took to change things, including his relationship with his sister.

Much as I had done, Jasper only gave us an overview, but it was enough for all of us to see that this hadn't just happened overnight or over the Thanksgiving holiday.

"We've all missed this for so long..." Helen said quietly. I understood the sadness in her voice because I felt it, too.

Jasper shook his head. "No, Mom. I'm just good at hiding it. It's time to change that." With that, he pulled me into his arms and buried his face in my hair.

There were more conversations to be had, but it was a start. I hoped that in rehab he'd be able to get the rest of it out so that he could finally move on and start healing.

. . . . . . . .

Thursday morning, Jasper checked into La Mer. The facility looked like a combination between a school and a Bed & Breakfast. The woman who met us at the front door of the main house, Lyla Benham, introduced herself as the Admissions Officer, and walked us around the "campus" so that Helen and I could see where Jasper would be spending his time for the next sixty days.

There was one other patient checking in at the same time, so we all sat together for a brief orientation. Lyla described the general theories behind their treatment programs. In addition to one-on-one counseling, Jasper would be spending at least ten hours a week in group therapy. They also had an MFA on staff who worked with the patients in alternative healing methods. I poked Jasper's leg and smiled at him when Lyla said the patients would be expected to be involved with various fine arts; painting, music, and writing were all options.

"Maybe I can sneak Sally in next time I'm here," I whispered.

There were also physical components to the treatment, including yoga and Tai Chi, because the strengthening of body was just as important as the strengthening of mind.

Lyla spoke specifically to Helen and me, as well as the parents of the other guy – Brady – when she started talking about their Family Program. Family sessions were conducted each Saturday. She encouraged us to visit as frequently as feasible – along with any other important family members – so that we could take part. She told us that the patients who had the best long-term success had the strongest familial support. I started making tentative plans in my head to talk to my advisor at school. I wasn't sure I would be able to balance visiting Jasper several times with my current class load.

Because we were with the other family, Lyla didn't get into specifics about Jasper's treatment, although she did mention that La Mer was one of the country's leading experts in co-occurring disorders treatment. She explained that a number of patients had more than one concurrent problem – an eating disorder plus mania, for example – and La Mer was equipped to treat these cases in a specialized manner. She didn't spell it out, but I knew this meant they would treat Jasper's depression and chemical dependencies simultaneously and in the context of one another.

Lyla gave Helen and me, and Brady's parents, copies of the visiting hours schedules. Jasper would be able to see visitors Fridays for a two-hour period during lunch, and Saturdays from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Family sessions usually ran Saturday afternoons from 2:00 to 5:00. Because Jasper and Brady were so new, they wouldn't have family sessions this coming weekend, but we were welcome to stay for tomorrow's visiting hours.

I knew Lyla was certainly a master of marketing, but she still did an excellent job convincing me that Jasper was in the right place. I wasn't sure how Jasper or Helen felt, but when we left Lyla's office, I was optimistic that in sixty days, Jasper and the rest of us would have the tools we would need to make sure that something like Sunday night never happened again.

. . . . . . . .

Helen and I stuck around for visiting hours on both Friday and Saturday before flying back to Seattle on Sunday. We took some time getting to know the surrounding area. I had found out from Lyla what sort of things Jasper would be allowed to have and started planning regular care packages. Helen had been here when Jasper was in rehab the first time, almost seven years ago, but she admitted to me, regret clear in her voice, that she and David hadn't put in nearly the effort they could have to make sure that Jasper was truly okay. They hadn't attended any family sessions and had only come down to check Jasper in and out. She said they'd never really had any idea how bad it had been, and when Jasper came back – all smiles and good humor – they had stuck their heads in the sand.

It made me sad to hear that, but there was no going back there now. Worrying about shoulda, woulda, couldas wouldn't get anyone anywhere – we would only get lost in our own regrets, myself included. I should have made him talk about the drugs. I would have been more insistent that he find a new therapist. I could have driven him to Carlisle, myself. In the end, it did us no good to look back. Jasper hadn't wanted our help then and he did now. We could only move forward and hope that this time around, we could all give Jasper the support he needed.

. . . . . . . .

The day after returning from California, I had coffee with Angela in the morning before classes. I had called her the previous week and told her everything that had happened Sunday and Monday, but I needed new advice now.

On the flight back from California, Helen and I had put together a tentative schedule for attending family sessions over the next two months. We still had to get Rose on board, but our idea was that I would attend the first one, the following weekend, with Rose. David and Helen would join me for one the day after Christmas. Lyla had told us that visiting hours would be extended on Christmas Day so that families could have dinner together at La Mer if they chose. We weren't going to go to California every weekend he was there, but we planned to go more weekends than not.

I knew that all of the traveling would negatively impact my studies and possibly my upcoming May graduation. I was hesitant to do anything that would risk my degree, but after talking it out with Angela and looking at it from all possible angles, I knew that my commitment to Jasper and his recovery were more immediate than my degree. I wasn't throwing my life away or even putting it on hold; I was only slowing it down a bit.

I spoke to my Masters advisor, Dr. Crampton, that afternoon. When I explained to her my circumstances and concerns about my workload for the next couple of months, she helped me draft the paperwork I would need to drop two of my classes, cut back on my student teaching hours, and lengthen my time in the program by six months to a year.

Before I left her office, Dr. Crampton gave me a card for a UW support group for friends and family members of addicts. She said it didn't operate by quite the same principles as Narcotics Anonymous – which Lyla had recommended – but it was similar. Dr. Crampton didn't offer information about why she had the card, but she was very kind and told me I could talk to her any time I wanted.

It took a few days, but the school approved my requests for modifications to my schedule and program. The ramifications would be widespread. I would likely need to put off getting a full-time job until a year later than I had planned, although I could substitute teach until I found something permanent. My immediate concern was my finances, but Angela had made a suggestion that made sense.

Aside from the help I had accepted from Charlie when I bought my house, I had been as independent as possible. The idea of turning to Renée and Phil for help was unappealing, regardless of Renée's regular reminders that it was available. Angela brought it up hesitantly, knowing I'd balk, and then pointed out the benefits.

But before I could, in good conscience, ask Renée for help, I would have to explain to her everything that was happening with Jasper. I was cautiously optimistic about her acceptance; she had grown to adore Jasper during the short amount of time she had spent with him. It wasn't a parent's dream to have her only child dating a drug addict, but Renée was forgiving by nature. I hoped she would be okay with it because not having her approval would be painful; she lived too far away for me to risk distancing her in any other way.

Unfortunately, I knew the delay in my graduation also meant that I would also have to tell Charlie, sooner rather than later. I could fudge about it, but frankly, I didn't want to propagate any more secrets or lies. I wanted to be open with everyone so that we could all move on. Images of Charlie and his shotgun swirled around my head whenever I thought of that conversation. I would have to skimp on the details when I spoke to him and hope he believed that Jasper had changed for the better.

. . . . . . . .

Emmett never told me what he did with the heroin and I never asked.

The closest we got to discussing it was when he showed up at my door on a random night a couple of weeks after Jasper left. It didn't escape my notice that it would have been Tex-Mex Tuesday and, when I opened the door to find Emmett, I wondered if he was coming over to cheer me up.

But the only thing he had in his hand was a newspaper that he handed to me as soon as I had shut the door behind him.

"What's this?"

"Just open it." His voice was tight and I opened the paper warily. He was fiddling with the end of his tie and clearly on edge.

Emmett had folded the paper to the appropriate page. I opened it to reveal, in medium-sized letters across the top of the Local page, a headline that read: _Local Drug Ring Infiltrated; Three Dealers Arrested_. There were three mug shots to accompany the article and I immediately recognized the middle of the three photos.

I had only met him once and the parking lot had been poorly lit, but the second photo was clearly of Jasper's "friend" Jim. The caption identified him as James Robison of Ravenna. I skimmed the article and saw why Emmett was freaking out.

"I recognize this guy, Bella," he tapped Jim's picture, "and I'm guessing that by the look on your face, you do, too."

"How-"

"I went to Jasper's gym with him a few times. This guy was there, talking to J. He never introduced me."

"We ran into him one night when we were out to dinner," I murmured as I finished the article. "But you don't have to worry, Emmett."

"Why not? It says they found this guy's client list and it won't take long to decrypt. You know Jasper's going to be on it. _Recently_."

"He didn't use his real name."

"What?"

"Jasper didn't give this guy his real name." I shook the paper. "When we saw him, he called Jasper 'Whit.'"

"From Whitlock," Emmett breathed.

I nodded.

"Oh, thank fucking god," Emmett said, grabbing me up in a suffocating hug. "Thank god he's a smart fucking son of a bitch."

I had to chuckle about the irony of that.

Emmett declined a beer and left a few minutes later, tie already loosened. We never spoke about it again.

. . . . . . . .

I spent the two weeks between leaving Jasper at La Mer and heading back for our first family session worrying about how the group therapy would go. Would it help Jasper for me to be there? If he was serious about continuing our relationship, and nothing made me think he wasn't, then hopefully my presence would be nothing but a benefit. But he'd been so closed with me before, all but refusing to talk about his problems even when it was really important... I wondered if he would be able to overcome that to speak in a group setting.

Rose and I were both tense and snappish during the flight to California and I quickly regretted succumbing to Helen's insistence that we share a hotel room. I knew that I was nervous about how the session would go – and was anxious about flying – but I had no idea what was up Rose's ass. The bitchier she got, the less I was inclined to ask her about it. The closer we drew to La Jolla, the more evident it was that any improvement to our relationship that had shown itself during those couple of days in the hospital was short-lived.

Our flight landed Thursday night and I busied myself Friday morning with gathering some small things that I knew Jasper would like: books, magazines, a North Shore Lifeguard t-shirt that I found in a hole-in-the-wall tourist shop. Friday's visiting hours went okay – Jasper introduced us to some of the friends he had made and they did most of the talking while Rose and I listened from opposite sides of Jasper.

Saturday's visiting hours were a little rockier. Rose grew visibly tense every time I spoke, and her voice was starting to grate on my nerves like none I had ever known. I finally stopped speaking in an attempt to keep Rose from exploding, but we were in rare form by the time we got to the family session at 2:00. Neither of us was doing a good job concealing our irritation. On top of my annoyance with Rose, I was frustrated with myself for making this harder on Jasper. He had been so hopeful, on the flight to California two weeks ago, that Rose and I would be able to get along now.

Dr. Waitt, one of La Mer's therapists, was in charge of the family sessions. He led the group to a patio behind one of the main houses on the campus. The patio edged the shore, so the crash of ocean waves created a very pleasant and calming background to the conversations. I could see why Dr. Waitt liked to hold the sessions out there.

The first session was a family/group session. Rose and I joined Jasper and two of his fellow patients: Brady, the twenty-year-old from San Diego who had checked in the same day as Jasper; and Sam, a thirty-year-old from Los Angeles. Brady's mom and dad were there for him, and Sam had his father and girlfriend. The ten of us made an interesting group.

It was quickly clear that Rose and I were going to have a problem. A big one.

After basic introductions, Brady's family went first. Brady's mom was talking about how she had been feeling about Brady's problems during the last year when I heard Rose snort under her breath. I turned incredulous eyes to her. She shrugged. _What?_

When she did it again a minute later, I couldn't help myself. I leaned in until my nose was pressed just above her ear. "Would you cut it the fuck out?" I couldn't believe she was being so rude in front of these complete strangers. And, while they were strangers, they were people with whom we shared something, even if indirectly. They deserved our respect.

She subtly flipped me off. I narrowed my eyes at her.

When it was time for Sam's girlfriend to speak and she broke into tears almost immediately, Rose laughed. Actually fucking laughed. It wasn't loud but even the sound of the surf couldn't cover it.

I didn't look at Jasper, knowing he'd be embarrassed, and grabbed her arm, intending to drag her back into the house if she couldn't fucking quiet down. Before I could say anything, Sam's father spoke up. "What the hell is your problem, blondie?" Rose and I halted, mouths frozen open, and turned to stare at him. I swore I could feel Rose's blood heating under my fingers. She shot out of her seat and started toward him. I threw my arms around her waist to hold her back. She immediately stopped moving and turned on me. I didn't loosen my hold and by the time she turned, I was basically hugging her. At that point, we were directly in the middle of the circle of chairs. I could see Dr. Waitt over Rose's shoulder and wasn't particularly shocked to see he was taking notes. I was sure we were providing a textbook example of classic girlfriend-sister rivalry but I couldn't believe we were doing it in public.

"Get your goddamn hands off me, Bella," Rose growled.

"Not until you settle your ass down or get the hell out of here. Think of someone other than yourself for once."

I heard a chair leg scrape behind us and caught Dr. Waitt holding up his hand.

"He was rude!" She tried to point to Sam's father but my arms were holding hers down.

"_He_ was rude? You fucking laughed!"

She struggled against me and I finally let her go before she scraped me with her talons.

"It seems that you two might have some unresolved issues," Dr. Waitt spoke up.

"No shit," we said simultaneously, glaring at each other.

"Would you like to try to work them out? Family discord has proven to be a significant source of anxiety for patients with all manners of challenges," he said, his pen poised over his notepad.

"Fuck no." Again, we chimed it together. I heard a snicker behind us and turned to see Brady give Jasper a look. What that was about? Dr. Waitt was energetically writing on his notepad.

"Do you think you could try to be polite for eighteen seconds?" I tried to keep my voice even, staring at Rose again.

"This whole thing is ridiculous."

"Jesus, Rosalie, then why the hell did you bother to come all the way down here?"

She shrugged and avoided looking behind me, where Jasper was sitting.

"Jasper, are they always like this?" Dr. Waitt asked.

"Actually, this is an improvement. Usually, Rose glares and Bella avoids. Yelling is a step up."

This time we focused our glowers on Jasper. He shrugged and leaned back in his chair. "What? It's true. You two are a fucking mess. It's a good thing we're missing Christmas."

I frowned about that. I was miserable that Jasper wouldn't be home for Christmas and, in turn, he was just happy that he wouldn't have to deal with Rose-Bella ugliness. My ire toward Rose morphed into irritation with myself.

"What would trying to work it out entail?" I asked Dr. Waitt.

"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me." Rose huffed, lips pressed together tightly.

"Give it a chance, _blondie._" I returned to my seat and tapped my foot until Rose came back to hers.

I wasn't any happier about it than Rose, but the last thing Jasper needed was the two of us going at each other like fucking cobras. If our truce would help him, then that was what I would do. Rosalie Hale and I would be BFFs by the time Jasper was out of there. I turned to her with a huge smile.

"You have such pretty hair. Can I braid it?"

. . . . . . . .

In addition to worrying about the group sessions, I had spent much time during the past couple of weeks wondering and worrying about Jasper. We were able to talk on the phone occasionally, but not long enough for me to get a good sense of how he was doing. How was he faring? Was he feeling all right? Was he purging all of the poison – literal and figurative – that had been eating away at him? Was he talking to his therapists? He had been so hesitant to speak to anyone for the past couple of years – was he able to open up? He had started to talk about things before he left – both in the hospital room with his parents, and a couple of other times over the following couple of days – but we still hadn't gotten into the really deep-seated issues that were at the root of everything.

After the embarrassing blow-up and subsequent focus on Rose and myself and similar family dynamics during the first family session, I wasn't sure if I would get to hear Jasper talk at all about his issues during the trip. But after the family session, Dr. Waitt pulled Jasper and me aside as we were walking back to one of the common areas.

Because I was coming from such a distance and Jasper was adamant from the beginning of his treatment that I would continue to be an integral part of his life, Dr. Waitt wanted to have a session with the two of us before Rose and I flew home. He wanted to involve me more deeply in the process to assure I would be a healthy part of Jasper's recovery, therapy, and support system, and not a distraction or unnecessary stress. It was then – the two of us in a room with a stranger – that we finally broke down some of the walls that I hadn't realized had been between us.

"Where would you like to start?" Dr. Waitt said, as we settled into matching chairs across from him, early Sunday morning. The three chairs were pulled together to form a small triangle; Dr. Waitt's desk was situated against one of the walls, out of the way.

Dr. Waitt and Jasper both looked at me expectantly.

"Honestly?" I asked, looking from one man to the other.

"Yes, Bella, this won't work if you're not honest," Dr. Waitt answered.

I blew out a breath and started speaking to Dr. Waitt. "I-"

"To Jasper," he gently redirected me.

Oh.

I turned a little bit in my seat so I was facing Jasper full-on. "I..." I wasn't sure how to phrase my words without sounding accusatory.

Jasper smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, babe. Just spit out. I'm not going to be mad."

"Okay." I tried again. "Why wouldn't you talk to me? When you were so unhappy?"

Jasper nodded immediately, apparently anticipating my question. Maybe this had already come up in one of his other meetings. "Honestly?"

I flicked his knee with my middle finger in response.

"I was afraid if you knew what I was really thinking, if I gave you a look into what was going on in my head, you'd decide that you couldn't – or _wouldn't_ – want to handle it." He sighed and cracked his knuckles. "I was afraid I'd lose you if you knew what I was really like."

"Oh, Jasper," I exhaled. "I _do_ know what you're really like. And I know that those thoughts you have, that you're not good enough, that you're alone, I know they're real, but..." I didn't know how to convince him that it didn't matter without invalidating what he felt. I looked at Dr. Waitt for help. Maybe it was good he was here for this.

Dr. Waitt nodded. "Those feelings Jasper has are intensified by the depression, which makes it harder for Jasper to just shake them off. He's more inclined to dwell on them until they've become so significant that they overwhelm him. Does that sound right, Jasper?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

I picked up Jasper's hand, hoping that it was okay to do that during the session, and wove my fingers through his. "You can always, _always_ talk to me about anything. I will never think it's stupid or insignificant and I will never judge you. I will just listen or try to help if you want me to."

Dr. Waitt proceeded from there to step in and talk to both of us about how we could communicate so that neither of us would feel threatened – so that Jasper could express himself without worrying unnecessarily about my reaction, and so that I could talk to Jasper without wondering if he might close in on himself or push me away.

At the end of the hour, we had only just touched on some of the issues before us, but it was a comforting and reassuring start. Even including the nightmare that was my relationship with Rose, I considered the weekend to be a step in the right direction.

. . . . . . . .

Helen, David, and I spent Christmas in California with Jasper. The week between Christmas and New Year's, I investigated the campus support group Dr. Crampton had recommended. The UW website I found for the group said they met on Monday nights, regardless of school holidays.

I felt uncomfortable walking into the first meeting. There were only seven people there, aside from me. I sat near the back of the small room, hoping to stay under the radar and just observe, but the leader asked me to come forward and sit with everyone else. He was so nice about it that I didn't feel I could refuse without coming across as a bitch. He introduced himself as Nick and explained that they asked any attendants to share at least his or her name and basic reasons for attending the meeting. He said I could share my full story when I felt ready.

I decided I could handle that much. I introduced myself and told them that my boyfriend was currently in rehab.

I was the only new member at the meeting so there were no new stories shared; the meeting was made up mostly of "this is how my girlfriend is doing this week" type conversations. Even though it was obvious they had all known each other for awhile and were obviously privy to details about one another's lives, everyone made me feel a part of the group immediately. A girl sitting next to me, who couldn't have been more than eighteen, whispered names to me as each person spoke.

The meeting only lasted an hour. Afterward, I stopped the girl to thank her for her friendliness.

"I remember what it was like my first week here," she said. "I was already a huge mess about my sister and then trying to talk to random people about everything on top of that? It sucked, big time. If not for Eli," she nodded to a tall guy who looked about my age, "I never would have come back." She stuck out her hand. "I'm Tab – Tabitha – by the way."

I shook Tab's hand and, taking a leap of faith I wasn't sure I had, asked her if she wanted to get coffee. When she gave me the brightest smile I'd ever seen, I knew I hadn't made a mistake.

I started attending the meetings weekly and by my third week with the group, I was talking freely about Jasper and our issues. I brought up some of the problems he had finally discussed with me over the past month, including his worry that his indecision about his future and long-term career plans made him seem weak and unworthy of being in a relationship with someone he considered to be strong and driven.

Another one of the girls, Beth, said that her boyfriend – who had changed majors four times in two and a half years – had similar problems. He was so worried about disappointing everyone around him that he tried to center his life around whatever he thought would please everyone else: his parents, Beth, his advisor. After a recent week-long coke binge had landed him in the hospital, he had started seeing a counselor; Beth said his self-confidence was returning. It gave me hope that if Jasper could just accept himself, he would realize that no one cared what he did as long as he was happy. I needed him to understand that I would never think any less of him for wanting to enjoy what he was doing.

I developed friendships with some of the folks in group, in addition to Tab; during a non-holiday week, there were usually fourteen people. I even brought Emmett with me a couple of times. Unsurprisingly, he fit in well with everyone. He made friends easily and alternately had people in tears of laughter or sadness with some of his stories about Jasper through the years.

We tried once or twice to get Rose to come with us but she was having none of it. She and I were getting along much better since our blowout at La Mer. She had finally admitted that most of her hostility toward Jasper's problems and me in general stemmed from two things. She was jealous of the ease with which I connected emotionally with Jasper in a way she never had, and she felt that if she had been a better sister, she would have been able to prevent some of what he had gone through.

The parallels in our feelings of fault were unquestionable. When I shared with her that I felt the same way, it went a long way to bridging the gap between us. But we still had a lot of work to do and Emmett and I didn't push her to join us.

Between the family and private sessions at La Mer and the group meetings on campus, I was starting to feel like I had a handle on Jasper's illnesses and coping with them. We had a long way to go in terms of rebuilding trust and doing what we could to alleviate the possibility of a future relapse, but I knew we could all handle it. Together.

* * *

**La Mer is based on existing facilities, although I took some liberties with specifics.**

**I love you all something hard. Thanks for loving this Jasper and Bella.**

**If you are über-bored, I have submitted an entry (Inksper, of course) for the Tattward & Inkella contest - "Love Letter."**

**Chapter 22 on Wednesday. See you then :)**


	22. The End Is the Beginning

**Legna has talked me down from so many ledges she should get a job as an FBI negotiator. She would be the best.**

**I debated long and hard about whether or not to tell you this and decided I should. Imagine you're reading a book (a what?) and you take a look at how many pages are left and there aren't very many at all – maybe just one chapter and an epilogue's worth... That's where you are right now.**

**SM owns **_**Twilight**_**.**

* * *

_**In Which the End Is the Beginning**_

I stood at the edge of baggage claim, trying to stay out of the way of the weary travelers making their ways through Sea-Tac. I alternated between watching the escalators and watching the clumps of people around the carousels, just in case I somehow missed him. One of the baggage claim boards displayed Jasper's flight number, so it was only a matter of time before he showed up.

Rose and I had partaken in a rather heated discussion about who would meet Jasper's plane. But, as Emmett our referee had pointed out, it _had_ been a discussion and not an argument, even if he had pronounced me the "winner" in the end. Rose's declaration of shenanigans hadn't stuck and I was impressed when Emmett stood his ground in the face of some creative threats that mostly revolved around his ability to procreate. I'd fled the house to avoid Rose ignoring Emmett's declaration, leaving _them_ arguing in my wake.

My original plan had been to go down to California and fly back with him, but Jasper had insisted that was ridiculous and unnecessary, and the best I could manage was meeting him at the airport. I resented the increased security measures that prevented me from having a postcard "welcome home" moment right as he deplaned. I would have to settle for some baggage claim action and hope it had the same magic.

People were just starting to gather around the baggage carousel labeled with Jasper's flight number when I finally saw the familiar blond head come into view at the top of the escalators. It was possible that I squealed, but with no one around to confirm, there was no way to know.

I picked my way hurriedly through the steady flow of foot-traffic, trying to make my way to him. Jasper was scanning the crowd and finally saw me just as we both reached the bottom of the escalators.

Without greeting or ceremony, Jasper bent and picked me up from the ground. I wrapped my legs around his waist and locked my ankles behind him. The way he immediately buried his face in my neck, I was positive he couldn't see where he was going, but he walked us off to the side so we'd be out of the way. We stood like that for a minute, just holding one another, before he pulled his head back to look at my face.

"Babe," he chuckled, his eyes intense on mine. It was disorienting being off the ground and the same height as he was, but it made kissing him very easy. Our mouths came together softly, and I smiled against his lips at the comfort such a simple gesture could provide. Our quickly deepened kiss was easier than I imagined it would be after nearly sixty days of no physical contact. Regardless of all of my travels to California in the past two months, we'd had no alone time, and there had been virtually no touching aside from hand-holding and quick "hi there" and "see ya" pecks. I was almost giddy with the feel of his arms enfolding me. We mutually broke away from one another before any large security personnel could politely ask us to leave.

He set me back on the ground before taking my hand.

"Flight okay?" I asked as we walked to the baggage carousel I'd been stalking.

"Longest three hours of my life." He pressed his lips to the top of my head before stepping forward to grab his huge duffel bag from the conveyer belt. "Ready?"

We rejoined hands as I led him toward the truck. I felt stupid doing it, but I kept stealing glances up at him. Thanks to the constantly gorgeous weather of La Jolla, Jasper was unusually tan for February, and his hair was closer than usual to the bleach blond I remembered from the family photos at his parents' house. The slanted scar on his forehead was only visible if he brushed his hair out of the way. The glow of his skin went a long way toward making him look as healthy as I knew he now felt.

All of our couple's and family sessions with Dr. Waitt, plus the dozens of hours a week Jasper had spent in other one-on-one and group therapy while he was there, had helped him achieve what he had hoped: a renewed sense of self-confidence to replace his feelings of self-loathing, a greater feeling of purpose, and a commitment to staying healthy.

Along with that came an understanding that uncertainty didn't have to be catastrophic. I'd learned that although Jasper was naturally laidback, he tended to worry – and internalize anxiety – when he was unsure about something. His future, me, his relationships with the Cullens... his worries about all of these things had built to such a crescendo over the nine months following his breakup with Alice that he had finally reached a breaking point the Sunday after Thanksgiving.

We, Jasper included, still weren't really sure why he had chosen to get high when he knew I was coming over. Many of that day's events were fuzzy for him – a result, Carlisle said, of the head trauma combined with the drugs. I speculated that maybe he knew I would do everything I could to help him. Maybe he had just given up... Regardless, he'd gotten the help he'd needed for so long and knew the hard work to come was up to him.

. . . . . . . .

After grabbing some lunch, we were in Jasper's room unpacking his bag. He was crouched down, shoving shoes under his bed, when something caught my eye.

"Hey, what's that?" I brushed aside the hair at the nape of his neck and drew down the collar of his t-shirt.

On the back of his neck was a new tattoo. It was black, beautiful... and I honestly had no idea what it was.

"When did you get it? I thought you were on 24-hour lockdown?"

"Since I was officially done four days ago, Ty drove me." Ty was one of the counselors with whom Jasper had formed a tight relationship. He was a few years older than we were and had gone through the co-occurring disorders program at La Mer when he was twenty-one. Jasper told me a few times he felt lucky to have met someone like Ty.

The tattoo was about three inches long and an inch and a half at its widest point. It looked a little like a weird combination of a scary knife, flames, and a yin-yang symbol... maybe a serpent. Whatever it was, it was abstract. It was also still healing – the edges were pink and raised and it was covered by a thin scab.

"Ignore the peeling. What do you think?"

"Um. It's lovely," I hedged, not wanting to admit I was clueless.

Jasper chuckled. "You have no idea what it is."

"Yeah, not so much."

He turned his head so he could see me and the top portion of the tattoo stretched with the movement.

"It's a swan."

"A swan?" I pushed his chin so he was looking forward again and took another look at it.

A swan... now I could see the long neck and head. The curve of the body still looked like flames, but I could see the wings now... it was very tribal and masculine.

I could hazard a guess, but I asked anyway. "Why a swan? You have a thing for Björk I didn't know about?"

"Can I turn around now?" Without waiting for my answer, he turned and sat, leaning against the bed. He pulled me down into his lap and I snuggled into his arms. I had seriously missed doing that. "Did you know," he said, running a finger down my nose, "that swans represent not only music and enduring love, but serenity and grace?"

"Grace?" I snorted.

"Grace." He kissed my jaw. "Compassion. Freedom." His lips brushed my ear. "Beauty." I shivered at the combination of his warm breath and sexy voice. "Swans also represent transformation. Which I figure I need."

"Don't change too much, I kinda like you how you are," I breathed against his mouth. "I can't believe you got a swan tattoo." Keeping my cheek pressed to his, I ran my fingers along the side of his neck, being careful to avoid the edge of the tattoo. "Did it hurt?"

"A little on the bone, but the ribs were worse."

"Maybe I should get one," I half-teased, knowing the needle-blood combination would be a challenge unless they knocked me out first.

"Oh yeah, what would you get?"

I pulled back and studied Jasper's face while I thought. He looked relaxed and happy, which warmed me almost as much as his embrace. "What about some sort of horse?"

"A horse?"

"Yeah, you know. First there's that whole cowboy thing..." Jasper exchanged a smirk for my wink. "And don't horses represent strength and health? You know... hale?"

"Cute, babe," he chuckled. "Strong and healthy, that's not exactly me."

"It is _now_. And it always has been. Sometimes it was just a little... buried."

Even in the couple of hours since I'd picked him up, I could already feel in his demeanor, see in the set of his shoulders, something I'd never seen before.

My worry that rehab would lead him to the decision that I wasn't the right girl now seemed needless. He'd gotten a swan tattoo on his neck, for Pete's sake. Any concerns that I wouldn't fit into his life anymore evaporated as I saw how this new attitude had loosened something in him that I hadn't even realized was tight. It was as if my Jasper had been freed from an invisible cage and was finally able to stretch his wings. And those stretched wings hadn't carried him away from me as I'd feared, but had brought him back. I nestled against his chest, the regular rise and fall of it soothing me, and vowed silently that he'd never see the inside of that cage again.

. . . . . . . .

During the month after Jasper finished rehab, his life started to return to normal. A week and a half after he came home, he went back to the Hale Group with a plan to be back full-time within six weeks. His father had been very supportive during Jasper's treatment, even when Jasper had brought up in one of the family sessions that he couldn't see himself sticking with accounting – or the Hale Group – long-term.

The doctors at La Mer had recommended some therapists in the Seattle area and Jasper started seeing one of them once a week. On top of that, Tab had given me the names of two groups – one that her sister attended, for recovering addicts; and one for addicts and their families together – and Jasper had quickly picked up both meetings.

Lightening my school load had turned out to be the right decision. I was able to focus on the two classes I had, as well as my streamlined student teaching schedule, and still spend a great deal of time with Jasper. Altogether, between Jasper and me, we were attending five meetings and sessions a week. I would often accompany him to his and wait outside with a book and coffee until he was done. It was unnecessary, but I liked knowing he was close.

I knew Helen was still harboring regrets that Jasper felt he was a disappointment to his family, and she had started attending meetings on her own, too. She and David had also talked about joining our family meeting on occasion. She was coming to realize, as we all were, that learning from past mistakes was more productive than regretting them.

Jasper had already started to make friends in his groups and I was planning a March Madness get-together with some of them, including Tab and Eli, as well as Angela, Ben, and Emmett.

Jasper was by no means "healed" completely but he had made a good start, and it showed in little things that he did, like leaving his medication out on the dresser and starting seriously to look into new career options.

Life was getting back to normal, but now normal was 100 times better than it had been.

. . . . . . . .

"I'm pretty sure that somewhere in _How to Be a Good Girlfriend for Dummies_ it says that I'm supposed to take you out for your birthday, not the other way around." I waited next to the car as Jasper got out and came around to my side.

"You made me dinner – that's all I wanted." Jasper pocketed the keys after locking the Audi.

"Again, I'm not sure fajitas and stuffed jalapeños qualify as good birthday material."

"They do to me." He bent to kiss the top of my head as we walked, his cowboy boots making more noise against the concrete than my new Chucks.

We had celebrated Jasper and Rose's birthday with dinner on the actual night, two days ago at the Hales'. Helen had made dinner for the twins, and Emmett and David had been there as well. Jasper and I decided we'd celebrate on our own, on Friday night.

I wasn't familiar with this part of Seattle. Little shops and restaurants lined both sides of the street. I could hear music coming from an open door ahead. When we neared the source of the music, which had just been replaced by applause, Jasper slowed. There was a chalkboard sign in front of a little bar that read, _~ Sebastian's ~ Tonight's Specials... _I was surprised when we walked in and the bartender immediately waved and addressed Jasper by name. Or almost by name. My stomach tightened reflexively at the covert reference, but my worries faded when Jasper immediately walked me to the bar.

"Jazz, good to see you, man."

Jasper shook hands with him and nodded to a second bartender before turning to me.

"Bella, this is Q. We met in a Music Appreciation class in college."

I shook Q's hand. I wondered what kind of music Jazz and Q had appreciated. Q had intricate and colorful tattoos running up both arms and around his thick neck. His shaved head reflected the dim lights above the bar. He looked like the sort of guy you'd find breaking up fights in a parking lot. Or maybe starting them.

I looked around the bar curiously. Jasper had quit drinking entirely as part of his therapy so I was pretty sure we weren't here for the beer. It was a standard-looking small bar except for the small stage at the far end of the room, on which a single chair sat, illuminated by a couple of stage lights. There was a large keyboard off to the side. The applause we heard must have been for the end of a performance.

"Drink, babe?"

I ordered a Diet Coke even though Jasper had said he didn't care at all if I drank around him. He might not care, but I wasn't ready to rub it in his face. Before we turned to the little tables scattered around the floor in front of the stage, Jasper tipped his head, Q raised an eyebrow, and Jasper nodded.

"Hey, Jean Grey, what did you say to Professor X back there?" I asked as we walked toward the stage.

"Huh?"

I glared at Jasper. That was the least innocent "huh?" of all time. He was up to something but I had no idea what. We sat at a round two-person table just right of center stage, which I thought was fortuitous since all of the other tables near the front were full. Before I could grill Jasper about what was going on, he stood.

"I'll be right back. Don't move your cute little ass an inch." He kissed me before disappearing through a small door to the left of the stage.

I looked around the bar in confusion. Q winked at me when I caught his eye.

I didn't have to wonder for long; two minutes later, the answer strolled onto the little stage, Sally slung across his chest. Q, freed from the bar and carrying a microphone, joined Jasper.

"Folks, we have a little treat for Open Mic Night. Aside from the lovely Mary Parsons, of course." Q tipped an imaginary hat to a pretty girl sitting a couple of tables over. A guitar resting on her table suggested she was the performer we had just missed. "One of my good buddies from school has something special planned for us. He'll be paying tribute to one of _Sebastian's_ all-time favorite bands. Ladies and gents, Jasper Hale."

My smile was so huge, I felt in danger of straining something in my face. I called a loud "woo" and Jasper grinned in response.

Q adjusted a short mic stand in front of Sally and I finally noticed that Jasper was wearing a wireless mic. Sneaky bastard. How long had he been planning this?

"I'll spare everyone a long speech, but I just want to dedicate this to my girl, Bella. I'm six months late, but happy birthday, babe."

I had to blink rapidly to stop the tears that collected instantly in the corners of my eyes. I wanted to run up on the stage and see if anyone would haul me off for my first assault and battery misdemeanor.

Over the course of the next hour, Jasper played every one of my favorite Aerosmith songs and then some; "Dream On," "Sweet Emotion," "Livin' on the Edge," and "The Other Side," were all included. Q accompanied him with keyboard and vocals a few times – including for a particularly rowdy version of "Love in an Elevator" that had the whole crowd singing along, and a hilarious Run-DMC-style cover of "Walk this Way" – but mostly he performed solo.

I nearly lost it when he deviated from Aerosmith and finished his set with Queen's upbeat, but admittedly sappy, "I Was Born to Love You."

What Edward had said at the hospital was true: Jasper would always struggle. Now I believed that I could help provide the support he needed to stay strong. He couldn't rely on me – as much as both of us would probably accept that – he had to be able to stand on his own. But where he stood, I would stand with him.

He smiled as the crowd applauded and called "encore," and I watched while he spoke with Q to decide on another song. When they were ready, he looked over at me and winked, and that part of me that he had reached and broken open months ago – where I stored my worries and doubts and questioned whether or not I could ever be enough for someone like Jasper – flooded with warmth and happiness, my fears flushed out and sent packing.

Because Jasper's problems and my insecurities didn't matter anymore.

It was about us loving one another unconditionally, which we did.

That was all we needed.

* * *

**The epilogue will be up Sunday morning, same bat-time, same bat-channel. **

**I'll hazard a guess that many of you will be surprised that I am choosing to end it here. The road ahead of Bella and Jasper is not perfectly smooth, but they're in a good place right now and I'm comfortable leaving them to each other.**

**I will post an image of Jasper's tattoo in my Twilighted thread, as well as a playlist of his set at Sebastian's.**

**What the hell am I going to do with my time now besides cry? Well, LaViePastiche and I are going to co-host a contest. We're calling it "For the Love of Jasper" and it will feature Jasper-centric one-shots. Jasper writers, charge your thinking caps! More details will be coming soon; we'll both post new stories containing rules, etc, when we have everything set up.**

**Thank you all for your endless support. It is overwhelming and makes me _really_ happy. I can't believe we're all but done.**

**Last thing - Indies voting ends tonight (Wednesday the 29th). There are some fantastic fics up. Go vote!**


	23. Epilogue: We've Come a Long Way

**None of this would have been possible without Legna.**

**_Insanely_ _long_ A/N at the end. **

**Happy birthday, Jaime!**

**Thanks to Stephenie Meyer for allowing all of us to play with her characters as we do.**

_**

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**_In Which We've Come a Long Way_**

_Christmas Day, 10 Years Later_

"Mommy! Uncle Emmett, stop it!"

I looked up just in time to see Katie barrel around the corner, her tangled bronze hair bouncing on her shoulders. Close on her heels was a grinning Emmett. He reached down to tug one of her curls and she shrieked again as she plowed past me, her little legs moving as fast as they could.

"Emmett! Knock it off!" Alice's voice rang from the dining room, where she was helping Esme set the table for our early dinner.

"Where's Lily?" Esme asked as she came into the kitchen for another armful of china.

"Napping. Finally. I put her in with Emma. And if Emmett wakes her..."

"What was that?" Emmett strolled back into the room, a tiny pair of legs kicking wildly on his shoulder. Katie was alternately giggling and shrieking as she tried to wriggle free from the fireman's carry in which he'd captured her.

"Put her down!" Alice was eyeing Emmett from the doorway to the dining room.

"Oh, Alice, she's fine."

"Emmett!"

He grumbled but swung the squirming Katie off his shoulder and to the ground. She hit the tile like a cat and hurtled immediately toward Alice, who scooped her up easily.

"Baby okay? Was Uncle Emmett a big meanie?" Alice asked with a kiss to Katie's forehead.

Katie nodded vigorously and she and Alice turned to give Emmett twin gray-eyed glares.

He held up his hands and started backing away. He caught my eye and winked. "Yours is next, little sis."

"Don't even think about it, Emmett Cullen!" I called after him.

"When's Charlie going to be here?" Alice asked.

I pulled out my cell phone to check the time and make sure Charlie hadn't called. "Another half-hour or so, I'd guess. He hasn't called to say there's been traffic."

"I don't know why he does this every year. He knows he's more than welcome to stay here with us instead of driving all of that way Christmas morning. We have all of these empty rooms now." Esme joined us in the kitchen. "I think I miscounted. I have two extra glasses."

I quickly counted everyone in my head. "Twelve adults, five kids, I think? Thirteen, if Emily can make it. And it all depends on how you count Emmett."

"I heard that!" he yelled from the family room.

There was a sudden commotion in the foyer as the front door banged open and I heard a dozen feet trample into the front hall. I groaned, knowing it was only a matter of time before Lily was awake. She was never going to get over her lingering cold if she didn't get any sleep, and her tendency to stay up all night wasn't helping anyone.

"Where's my dad?" Carter sauntered into the kitchen, a small Christmas tree over his shoulder.

"Football." I pointed to the family room with my brownie-batter covered spoon and he walked off, presumably to show off the small tree that I was sure one of his uncles had let him cut down himself.

"I'll never understand the Christmas tree thing," I said, shaking my head.

"Bella!" Alice said sharply. "You're as bad as Charlie. Tradition!"

"But you already have the tree in the family room..."

"Oh no, not the great Christmas Tree Argument again," Edward said, laughing, as he came into the kitchen and shook snow from his hair onto his sister and niece.

"Uncle Edward!" Katie wailed as she tried to brush off her hair.

The large kitchen was suddenly crowded and alive as the entire Christmas tree excursion party crowded in, damp and cold. Esme took stock of their appearances and immediately started making cocoa.

I felt small arms wrap around my legs and looked down to find a blonde head buried in my knees. I crouched down next to my red-bundled beauty and started to unwind her scarf from her neck.

"You have fun with Daddy and the boys?"

Chuck's wide brown eyes stared back at me. "It was cold, Mommy. And Aunt Rosie is not a boy."

"No, Aunt Rosie is not a boy," I laughed. I pulled off her mittens and jacket and felt her pants to make sure they were still dry. "You want some cocoa?"

She shook her head and scampered off in the direction of her sleeping sister. I straightened up and found myself eye to chest with another blond beauty, this one considerably taller and definitely a boy.

"Babe." Jasper smiled as he bent to kiss me. "You ready to go home yet?"

"There would be some sort of massive mutiny is we left here before Lily gets her sweet potatoes and you know that." I returned his kiss and picked up his freezing hands to rub them. "Not to mention that Nana Helen would pitch a fit if we dragged her darling granddaughters away before she arrives."

"Who said anything about taking the girls?" he murmured. "We'll go home, finish last night's fajitas." His lips brushed my ear and a familiar tingle ran through my body. "And then-"

"Oh for fu- bunny's sake, you two," Emmett said as he reentered the kitchen with Carter. "Can't take you anywhere."

"'Bunny's,' Em?" Edward asked, smirking.

Emmett cast a glance at Carter who was proudly showing Esme his tree. "Yeah, these little fu- _bunnies_ are like sponges, did you know that? I said f-u-c-k the other day and Rosie flipped her sh- bunnies! _Goddammit!_"

"I'm seven, Emmett," Carter said, breaking from Esme to look up at his dad. "I can spell."

"Carter Cullen, we talked about this. Please call your father 'Dad' or 'Daddy' or something other than his first name." I hadn't noticed Rose join the bustle in the kitchen. She was windswept and carrying Emma, which probably meant that Lily was awake, too.

"All right..." Carter drawled out, "Rosie." He flew from the room, the little tree banging against the doorway as he exited, Emmett's loud and encouraging laugh following in his wake.

"Thank god we had girls," Jasper muttered. "How's Lily feeling?"

The sudden slamming of the front door, followed by synchronized squealing, precluded my answer.

"Merry Christmas!"

A chorus of "Charlie!" sounded around the kitchen. I put down my spoon but before I could move toward the front hall, Charlie walked into the kitchen with a still-squealing Hale twin tucked under each arm and bags of presents in each hand. In his fifties, Charlie was still Chief of Police in Forks and had kept himself in shape. He loved to toss the twins around and they enjoyed every second of it.

"You guys missing anything? I found these two headed for Canada."

"Hey, Dad!" I quickly relieved him of the bags so he could appropriately torment the girls. He hoisted one onto each shoulder before awkwardly kissing my cheek and shaking Jasper's hand.

I could hear Esme directing Carlisle and Dan to start handing out the cocoa and grabbed onto Jasper's arm to keep myself from falling when someone bumped me from behind. I laughed as I snuggled into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. It wouldn't be Christmas with the Hales and Cullens if there weren't fifteen people crammed into a kitchen.

. . . . . . . .

Helen and David arrived shortly after Charlie and thirty minutes later, Esme had all seventeen of us seated in the dining room. As Carlisle was carving the turkey, Jasper nudged my elbow and pointed to the little table Esme had set up for the kids.

Carter had grumbled about having to sit with "the babies," but as we watched, he carefully put a napkin in Emma's lap, cut up Katie's turkey, and helped Chuck butter a roll. All four little girls were watching him raptly. I would even go so far as to describe the expression on Lily's face as worshipful. I had a feeling Carter was destined forever to be a big brother to all of those little girls, even though Emma was the only one who could officially claim him as such.

I was just passing the stuffing to my left when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Aside from Renée, who was in Japan with Phil for a baseball announcer gig, and Angela, with whom I had spoken this morning, all of the people who would normally call me on a holiday were in the room. I apprehensively pulled my phone from my pocket.

The display read "Madi."

I showed it to Jasper as I pushed back my chair. He frowned and pulled out his own phone, glancing at the display.

I hurried through the kitchen, answering when I reached the front hall.

"Madi?"

"_Hi, Bella."_

I was immediately on alert. Madi's voice sounded choked. I pulled the front door closed behind me as I stepped onto the porch.

"What's wrong?"

"_Sorry to bother you on Christmas."_

"No, it's no bother, you know that. What's going on?"

Her sobs were quiet but I could hear them clearly through the phone.

"Madi?"

"_I'm here. Ash locked himself in the bathroom and won't come out. And I can't get in. And I'm worried-"_ She broke off as her sobs made it difficult to speak.

I waited a minute for her to catch her breath. I knew from experience that she'd calm down if she just had a minute to get it out. When I could hear that she was trying to regulate her breathing, I continued.

"Madi, do you know if he has anything in there with him?"

"_I... I don't know. I didn't think so. But I don't know why he won't let me in."_

"Honey, do you want me to come over? Jasper and I will come over."

"_No, no, Bella. It's Christmas. I... it's okay. We'll be fine. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute."_

"That's what I'm here for. Do you know if Ash has his phone with him? Will he answer if Jasper calls him?"

"_I don't know. I think so. I don't see it around here anywhere."_

"Okay, can you hang on for a minute? Don't go anywhere, okay?"

"_Okay."_

I opened the front door and was on my way back to the dining room when Jasper walked into the hall from the kitchen. He was looking down at his cell phone.

"Hey, did Ash call you?"

Jasper looked up. "No. Is he going to?"

I led Jasper back out to the porch and filled him in on my conversation with Madi.

"Madi? You still there?"

"_I'm here."_ I was happy to note she sounded much less watery now.

"Jasper's calling Ash now. Can you hear his phone ringing?"

"_Yeah, I think so."_

Ash must have answered because Jasper turned from me and walked to the far end of the porch. I could hear his deep voice but couldn't understand what he was saying.

"_Oh, he answered, Bella. I can hear him talking."_ The relief in her voice was clear.

"Good, I'm glad. Hon, after Ash gets off the phone with Jasper, would you want to come over and join us for Christmas dinner? You and Ash?"

"_Oh, we couldn't do that. It's your family Christmas. We can't-"_

"Yes, you can. We would love to have you here."

"_Well, if you're sure..."_

"I am."

"_Okay,"_ she took a deep breath. _"I'll talk to Ash- Oh, he's coming out, Bella. Thank you!"_

Jasper walked back to me, his phone closed, while I was waiting for Madi to talk to Ash about joining us. When she came back on the line and hesitantly said they would come over if we were positive it would be okay, I gave her the address and told her we'd be waiting.

I stopped on the porch, torn between going back inside and staying outside. It was still snowing lightly but wasn't really that cold.

"Just a sec." Jasper disappeared inside the house and returned a moment later with a large blanket. "I told Esme what's going on. She lit up when I said there would be two more people to help eat all of that food. She's worried Emmett's going to make himself sick." He brushed off the porch swing and wrapped us in the blanket. I settled into his side to wait.

. . . . . . . .

Life hadn't always been easy over the past ten years, but it had been good to us, nonetheless.

Rose and Emmett had finally made the Hales and Cullens a single entity when they were married the summer Emmett was finishing his doctorate (making for the second of three Doctors Cullen in the family). It had been a huge affair with 350 guests and a six-course dinner. My relationship with Rose had slowly but steadily improved over the previous year and I willingly stood for measurements for a floor-length, red bridesmaid gown. Jasper and I hid on a balcony while the garter and bouquet tosses were happening, knowing we'd get shit for not being around for the sacred rituals that would undoubtedly only increase the ribbing we'd already started taking. Everyone was getting impatient but us. But I didn't hesitate for a second when Jasper rolled over in bed one Tuesday morning, a year and a half later, holding a simple diamond solitaire.

I was glad Rose had gone all out with their wedding because it meant that Jasper and I were able to keep our own shindig much more to our liking. We had an understated, friends-and-family affair with Angela as my only attendant and Emmett as Jasper's.

But before we did that, Alice surprised everyone at the annual Hale Labor Day party – the scene of much drama four years prior – by announcing that she and Dan, a guy she'd been dating for about a year, had eloped two days earlier in Vegas. Very matter-of-factly, she stated that when it's right, it's right, and she didn't need a lot of hoopla to prove it to the world. I was positive I heard Carlisle release what sounded suspiciously like a sigh of relief as the rest of us gaped in disbelief.

I hadn't had nearly the same luck growing closer to Alice as I had to Rose. Alice and I hadn't resorted to physical assault again – except for one rather entertaining incident at a Halloween party that we both swore, up and down, had been nothing but a misunderstanding over costumes – but we'd had more than our fair share of intense disagreements. We'd never returned to the innocent comfort or friendship we'd enjoyed during the time I had dated Edward; now, we were more like sisters – the kind of sisters who don't always get along but love one another anyway.

As for Jasper... his health hadn't been perfect since he'd completed rehab almost ten years ago, but we both knew were lucky that it had been relatively steady. He had changed medication or dosages a few times and we'd only had two near-misses of import.

The first – and worst – came after Helen was diagnosed with breast cancer. The disease had been fast and insidious and we had come very close to losing her. On the eve of her double mastectomy, I found Jasper huddled in a corner of our bedroom in my old house, the closest to relapse that I had ever seen firsthand. He practically threw his backpack at me when I entered the room. I disposed of the whole thing after going through it and sat next to him on the floor while he called his sponsor.

Later, he had laughed humorlessly and said that at least he'd had his head together enough to stay in the bedroom. He knew that all of those years later – and still to this day – I tensed any time I walked into a bathroom.

The second time had been when I was pregnant with the twins. My morning sickness had been bad and lasted well past my first trimester. I blamed my general selfishness and preoccupation with my own health for not seeing the warning signs. Emmett, ever our big brother, came over one Saturday morning after having met Jasper for lunch the previous day, sat us both down in the living room, and called Jasper out on it. I was upset – at myself for not having recognized Jasper's general listlessness and distance for what they were – and at Jasper for not having said something on his own. He told us he had been so worried about the babies and me and about how he would perform as a father, in addition to worrying about the twins' predisposition to depression, that he had been feeling overwhelmed. Emmett had stepped in early enough that a few weeks of Jasper doubling his sessions with this therapist and learning a new meditation technique did the trick.

Things had been good since then, although we were both on constant alert, watching like hawks for changes in his mood. With Charlotte and Lillian (quickly nicknamed Chuck and Lily by Uncle Emmett) in our lives and all three of us to care for, he refused to let himself falter and he was vigilant in seeing a therapist and attending meetings regularly.

I knew the work he was doing had a lot to do with keeping him level over the years. Not too long after getting out of rehab, Jasper decided to pursue a career in clinical social work. He entered a program at UW in the fall of that year and three years later, after attending mostly night courses, had his Master of Social Work.

For the past two years, he had been the director of a center in Seattle that dealt primarily with at-risk youths and young adults. He loved it, even the countless tough moments, and knew that he was finally doing something worthwhile.

Since the girls' birth, I had been teaching only mornings, bouncing around elementary schools in our district. In the afternoons, I spent time with Chuck and Lily. Sometimes, Rose, Alice, and I would get all of the girls together while Carter was in school so that two of us could have time for errands or other things. The girls loved their cousins and aunts and it was a real help to have so many built-in babysitters nearby. I swore that one of these days, Helen and Esme were going to throw down over who got to watch all of the grandkids.

Two nights a week and one weekend a month, at Jasper's center, I ran meetings for family members of addicts. That was where I had met Madi a year ago. They were very young – Madi 21, Ash 22 – and already married. Someone had recommended the center to Madi and she had reluctantly come to a meeting. She had cowered in the back, much as I had at the first UW support group meeting I had attended a decade ago, until I drew her forward with the rest of the group. She was finally able to convince her husband to attend one of Jasper's meetings, and we had been their sponsors since.

Jasper saw more than a little bit of himself in Ash and hoped that if Ash had someone in his life whom he could always trust and call, that he and Madi would be much less likely to go through something like Jasper and I had in 2009. I believed that my involvement with families – educating them on warning signs and urging them to communicate even when it would be painful – meant that at least one less family risked losing their child, brother, or husband, as we had almost lost Jasper.

. . . . . . . .

Ten minutes after sitting down on the porch, a little red sports car skidded into the driveway. Definitely not Madi and Ash. The driver tumbled out, arms laden with boxes and bags, and I rose with Jasper when he got up to help her.

"One of my surgeries was unexpectedly canceled and I have a few free hours," she said breathlessly as she jogged onto the porch. "Am I too late? Did I miss dinner?"

"No, we're just waiting for some friends." I gave her a hug as Jasper brought her things inside. "Everyone's still eating."

Emily was one of the leading cardiothoracic surgeons in the country, had a mass of red hair to complement a devious sense of humor, and kicked Edward's ass every time they played chess. That was why, eighteen months after they'd started dating, we were all starting to believe that Emily might be our fourth Doctor Cullen.

We didn't have time to resettle ourselves on the porch swing before Madi and Ash pulled up. We met them on the walkway and I pulled Madi into a tight hug while Jasper and Ash walked several yards away to speak privately.

"Some Christmas," Madi said, sighing as she watched the men speak.

"Yes, it is." Madi looked at me in surprise, maybe at my tone, and I continued. "Hey, you're both here, _safe_, with people who care about you." I squeezed her shoulders with the arm still around her. "That sounds like a pretty good Christmas to me."

Madi smiled at me and I could see her eyes getting a little wet again. We waited in comfortable silence, tiny snowflakes dusting our shoulders, until Jasper and Ash joined us a few minutes later and we all made our way inside.

Madi and Ash were obviously uncomfortable about intruding on our family dinner and I could see Madi start to get emotional again when we reached the table and two additional chairs had already been fit in between the others. When you threw in a chair for Emily, it was a tight squeeze, but nothing we wouldn't all happily manage.

"I guess I had those extra glasses out for a reason," Esme said as she handed a water pitcher to Ash, who earned a beautiful smile from Madi when he poured some for her before himself.

I squeezed Jasper's fingers when they settled on my knee a moment later.

It had taken us awhile to get here, to a place where we could all eat a holiday meal together, peacefully; Jasper's frightening OD and half of us going into therapy had set us on the right path. There was no doubt that it was a loud, nosy, difficult family, but it was also loving and accepting, and we knew we were lucky to have them all.

A startled cry caught my attention a few minutes later. I looked at the kids' table to see Lily's bottom lip pushed out in her signature pout and Chuck with a handful of sweet potatoes. Carter was bent over, shaking with what I assumed was laughter.

I started to rise but was stopped by a kiss on my temple and an amused, "I've got it."

Jasper picked potato out of Lily's hair and dried her tears before quietly speaking with Chuck. When we got home, we'd have to talk to the girls for a minute about when to listen to their cousin's suggestions. Then we could tuck them into bed, heat leftover fajitas, and celebrate another Christmas of being happy, healthy, and together.

I couldn't wait.

_**~ The End ~**_

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**_Update: 11/22/2009 - Additional FitV Universe things:_**

"Embers: Spicy Sides from Fire in the Vein" now contains Jasper's Tuesday-morning marriage proposal, which JAustenlover commissioned for September's Support Stacie Auction. It is chapter 4: In Which Jasper Seizes the Moment.

"An All-Consuming Fire" is a piece I wrote as an example entry for the For the Love of Jasper contest. It takes place the summer before Jasper's junior year in high school. It is from Maria's point of view and shows how they got together.

My "Twilight 25" entries contain a handful of FitV Universe pieces - Soft (chapter 4 - Bella POV), Platonic (chapter 11 - Alice POV), Raindrops (chapter 12 - Jasper POV), and Crusade (chapter 13 - Emmett POV). Also, Soft (chapter 2 - Maria POV) is FitV-AU (aka FitV-Nightmare).

**_

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**_Epic A/N or: In Which the Author Shows Her True Wicked Wordy Colors_**

Bear with me.

First, yeah, it's a lot of twins, but identicals are the luck of the draw and Bella and Jasper just got lucky… or unlucky. That Chuck is a handful. :)

Depression and addiction (whether to drugs, alcohol, or something else) are very real, very scary diseases. I don't pretend to be an expert about either, but I hope I was able to tell this story, about these difficult subjects, with the respect they deserve. Thank you to everyone who shared with me a personal story about how depression or addiction has touched your life. I'm honored that you would read this fic.

I didn't do this completely without help; I had a "technical expert" who verified along the way that I was realistically portraying Jasper's struggles. Thanks, bud.

I will not be writing a sequel to FitV, although I love everyone who has asked for one. However, there is the possibility that I might do one or two outtakes either as one-shots or additions to Embers.

There are a lot of people to thank (like all of the people who mentioned/rec'ed FitV on a podcast, blog, LJ, web site, chapter A/N, tweet, email, forum… there are so many of you, I'm overwhelmed by it) but for the sake of everyone's time, I'm only going to mention americnxidiot. She isn't the only one who's written a story about a serious topic, but _Cascade and Cyanide_ is the one with which I am most familiar. She showed me that a story could be serious _and_ well-received. I knew I was facing many hurdles with FitV (Jasper + Bella is bad enough, but Jasper as a depressed drug addict? And almost no sex?), but C&C gave me hope that Jasper and Bella's story, if told with the right approach, could do okay. americnxidiot has been a huge inspiration for me practically since I found twific. Thank you, Rachel, for everything.

Oh, okay, more thanks. Thanks to everyone who's read. I've loved hearing from all of you, whether you've left one review or twenty. For those folks who have reviewed every single chapter? My love knows no bounds. And you E/B gals? Congrats on making it to the end :)

If you still have a question about the story, please let me know via review, PM, or stop by my Twilighted thread (link in profile). The thread has been a lot of fun. I'll be posting a playlist for the whole story there (as well as in my profile).

And my very biggest thanks goes to Legna989 for dealing with me daily these past four months. I know I was a terror. She's done a fantastic job of keeping me level and her input into the story has been invaluable since before Day 1. You'd be reading some other story by some other author right now if it were not for her.

Need something new to read? AccioBourbon just started posting her new story, "Inconceivable." It's an AH Rosalie/Emmett that spins from canon Rosalie in a very smart way.

Lastly, LaViePastiche and I are working out the details about our Jasper one-shot contest. We'll post all of the information as soon as we have it. Subscribe to LVP, the "For the Love of Jasper" FFn profile (in my Favorites), or me, if you're interested.

Thanks, everyone. See you on the flip.


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